Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Crooks Ballers Trade Trainers for Tights

2008 was a roller coaster year in Crooks history. After claiming back-to-back Capital Hill championships, the K-Street Crooks missed the indoor tourney deadline and therefore will not qualify for FIFA World Cup 2010 in Johannesburg. The footballing community and Crooks fans were united in their disappointment. FIFA president Joseph S. Blatter released a statement Monday, “obviously K-Streets inability to make it out of the qualifying round in disheartening, the level of play will suffer and the integrity of the tournament is called into question – they owed their fans, as well and the football community in general, more than that. We can only hope for better in 2014.” Not realizing the microphones were still on Blatter went on to comment to is colleague, “what I am really going to miss is watching [defensive pair] Joanne Breznay and Amber Lovell prance around the field, they sure are something exciting to look at.” When asked to comment on Blatters remarks Breznay’s representative stated “my client is outraged by the sentiments expressed, what [Blatter] failed to understand is that while aesthetically pleasing, these young ladies carried the rest of the team on their backs – scoring all goals and blocking all shots.” Conformation of these statistics were unavailable at the time of publication.

Many Pinkos [legions of k Street fans, not communist sympathizers] began to pack away their watermelon scarves and pink body paint as they braced themselves for a long winter without their beloved team. But, fans rejoice, while soccer may be on hold, Crooks moves will be on display at the National Theatre thanks to the brilliant minds of Tim Snyder, Ben Hoefs and Tony Pappas. The creative trio have parlayed their love of soccer and ballet into the most talked about dance performance this season. Leaping and pirouette-ing about the stage, the K Street Crooks have brought millions of new fans to the art of dance. Dancer and choreographer Tim Snyder noted, “it has truly been the most fulfilling experience of my life to express myself through dance: the savagery of the game mimicked through the tension in our bodies, the exhilaration of play echoed as our bodies take flight on stage…it is truly magical.” Hoefs and Pappas took a less philosophical view of their work; Hoefs reported that “my ass looks great in these tights, Stefan would be proud,” Pappas went on to say “since all the girls now assume I am gay, they let me stay in the back room while they change, SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.” Regardless of their motives, one core truth remains, the Crooks have reinvigorated the art of dance as well as sport. Bravo!

Saturday, December 20, 2008


Friday Night Shin-dig Named "Top End of Season Party" in the Friday in December Division

The K Street Crooks, two-time Capitol Hill champions, held their final end of season party on Friday in an undisclosed location somewhere near the Arlington County Justice Center. It was a festive event with many Pink People enjoying cookies and beers. Things got out of hand when K Street forwards Ben Hoefs and Tony Pappas began smashing beers on the floor in a idiotic display of unbridled joy. "The tear we've been on for the past two seasons made it almost seem that the laws of physics no longer applied to us," said Hoefs in a post-party press conference. "I didn't think there would be any repercussion for taking a bottle of beer from the bottom of the stack." "I think it was because we weren't wearing our jerseys," hypothesized Pappas, who then played the SNL Digital Short about clothed desemination about fifty times in a row.

K Street released documentary evidence of the occasion on Facebook and Picasa for interested members of the press and at the request of law enforcement. The team will meet for an informal workout on Sunday at 2:00PM on the Courthouse Pitch at Rocky Run Park.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


The team announced this morning that the final end of season party will be a holiday extravaganza held this Friday night at 8:30. Rumors of an appearance by M. Ekrem Dimbiloglu, disgraced captain and America's sweetheart, have been confirmed.

Party organizers are warning participants to leave their green-frosted cupcakes at home as security will be tight. "Essentially, we have to avoid any and all potentially explosive situations and make sure this party goes off smoothly and funly." Security officials also told El Campo that other items including Bud Light (with Lime) and firecrackers will not be allowed inside. "Things got out of hand last time with [forward Logan] Kendall introducing a new way to shotgun beer using small explosives. We lost five good teeth that day, its still a tragedy for us here. We mish thosh teef efry daysh."

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Crooks to Sit Out 2008-9 Indoor Season

Altruistic Heroes to Give Others a Chance

WASHINGTON - The reigning District Sports Champions announced this week that they will not defend their two titles this season on the hardcourt of Cardozo High School. "We hope this doesn't disappoint our fans too severely," a team spokesman said, "but we believe that our absence from the league this season will help breed stronger competition for our return."

The team, who all but dominated the competition for the past two seasons on Capitol Hill, decided that their time could be better spent elsewhere from December to March. "We plan on recalling Stefan [Georg, on loan to New Zealand's Kiwi Killers] and instituting a new conditioning policy in the off season," said captain Ben Hoefs. "I have done some research and found that the 1970 East German Squash Team had the most complete program and I think that Stefan and I [shown left] can implement the same program on K Street with great results." Attempts by El Campo to contact former conditioning coordinator Mustafa Dimbiloglu, founder of the Cupcake to Champion program used by the team in its early years were unsuccessful.

Co-captain and head scout Joanne Breznay will spend the off-season in the Carribean and Mediterranean regions. "It's important that we take this time to upgrade our talent. These areas have a proven track record of producing great players." As a key defender, Breznay spends most of the game staring at the backsides of offensive and midfield players. "Once Stefan and Tim [Malacarne] left, Jo[anne] was searching, nay starving, for some new eye candy. She says these places have the best talent, but it's really for their phenomenal posteriors. Who can blame her? I need something to stare at back there too," said a source who lives inside Breznay's apartment.

Don't expect the Crooks to miss soccer too much this winter. -- Defenders and cohabitors Justin Sargent and Amy Aubin will fill the void in their lives with "cats and large televisions." -- Keeper Tim Snyder, who broke two fingers and lost many brain cells in an attempt to maintain his 43.22 first half goals against average last season, has cancelled his health insurance and will use the money for coffee. -- Forward Tony Pappas will attend Guitar Hero Rock Band Fantasy Camp in Oswego, NY in January and will attempt to be the first sober player in the history of the game to successfully set the guitar on fire after a particularly brilliant rendition of "Wayward Son." -- Forward Logan Kendall try to be the first runner to complete the NYC Marathon while baking bread... from scratch. "Getting wheels that are sturdy enough on the brick oven is the key challenge right now."

Monday, October 27, 2008

Crook Outruns 16,000… Or More?

Arlington, VA – This past Sunday marked the 33rd annual Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, DC. As an event centered on super-human feats of athleticism, heroic displays of determination, and ungodly early start times, our loyal readers may wonder why the official blog of the K Street Crooks would be interested in such an event. It turns out, dear readers, that one of our very own pink-clad strikers participated in said event: Logan “man, check out those calves” Kendall.

Kendall and his calves (sounds like a garage band, doesn’t it?) began the race promptly at 8am in Arlington, VA and sped through the aptly nicknamed “Marathon of the Monuments” – passing such prominent local landmarks as the Lincoln Memorial, the Korean War Memorial, and the corner on Route 29 where earlier this year a homeless woman was spotted wearing a vintage Crooks jersey. Kendall’s overall pace for the 26-mile sightseeing trek was an impressive 8:35/mile – a trip this reporter likens to the hypothetical combination of a DC double-decker bus tour and certain elements of that blockbuster movie Speed.

Kendall and his calves crossed the finish line 3 hours, 45 minutes and 10 seconds later, much to the chagrin of some 16,000 runners left in his wake. An alarming number of these slowpokes later reported seeing “a neon pink blur” at some point during the course.

As for the 2,158 who are currently listed with faster times than Kendall, El Campo has acquired insider knowledge of a massive cheating scandal brewing. It seems that the 2,158 in question in fact started the marathon at the scheduled time, but broke off from the main pack of runners soon after. They then hid behind bushes, trees and Rosslyn bums, whereupon after seeing the larger pack pass on by, they took advantage of the circuitous nature of the course and simply jogged over to the finish line, some few hundred meters beyond the starting line. An official investigation is currently underway, but a public announcement regarding the rogue 2,158’s disqualification is expected by the end of the week and the subsequent rewarding of Kendall as the real marathon winner will then take place immediately following this announcement.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Crooks Succeed, Fail, Drink

K Street Snubbed by Computers as Violet Revolution Ascends Rankings

WASHINGTON - The K Street Crooks fell victim to the system this morning as District Sports announced they failed to successfully defend their title this year. The team successfully defeated the Violet Revolution on Sunday 5-2, only to then be inexplicably leap-frogged by their victims in the end-of-season rankings.

"We weren't confident that we had the #1 spot locked up, " said a team spokesman in a teleconference Monday morning. The prior #1 team, the Wank(ers) fell to Adios Adu 1-0 in play earlier Sunday. This gave them an identical record to our heroes whom they defeated a week earlier. "The league is not clear with their tie-break scenario: we had the goal differential, but they beat us head to head." However, waking up this morning to find that the Violet Revolution had rocketed from worst to first in the rankings was, as one team source put it, "not unlike jumping into the Arctic Ocean in December with Icy Hot on your Netherlands."

District Sports introduced a new computer ranking system this season after spending close to $15 on studies determining the formula. "
The pamphlet they sent out had a lot of words and numbers on it," said Captain and Forward Ben Hoefs. When asked if he even bother reading it he replied "can you clarify what your definition of 'read' is?" After El Campo clarified that drawing doodles of Knight Rider and writing "Benjamin Hoefs-Hasselhoff" on something did indeed not constitute reading, Hoefs admitted he did not read the pamphlet and abruptly ended the interview saying that he had to "go reassess [his] life."

League sources told El Campo that the rankings are based off of a Coaches' Poll, a trigonometric equation with four independent variables (wins, losses, average weight, jersey color) and a sophisticated eenie-meenie-miney-mo selection process. "We think that the absence of one Coach's ballot probably screwed this all up. We've tested the eenie-meenie part and proofed the equation using both cosines, Pythagoras and, of course, FOIL." FOIL, a sophisticated method first developed by NASA astronauts for factoring binomials from Mars stands for first, inner, outer, last. "It's pretty close to the Hokey Pokey," as far as its instructions on where to put the operator's right foot, explained goalkeeper and resident math whiz Tim Snyder, "almost too close...."

An exclusive El Campo investigation revealed that the missing ballot belonged to the Crooks. The team still has Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu listed as their manager on official District Sports records. "It was a symbolic gesture mostly, we had no idea it had any impact," said the team spokesman. When reached for comment, Dimbiloglu said "Oh [expletive]! I completely forgot to mail that in. You know what the problem was, Wolf Blitzer didn't tell me to do it." When asked to clarify, Dimbiloglu stated "if it isn't important to the bearded Jesus of the 24-hour news cycle, it's not important to the Ataturk of East Lansing." Aspects of that statement were still being checked for factual accuracy as this article went to press.

The team was inconsolable Monday. "I'm devastated," said defender Amber Lovell, who stayed at a nearby bar overnight. When asked if she was looking forward to next season, Lovell looked confused. "It's going to take these idiots that long to get my veggie burger?!?"

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

K Street Seeks Redemption, Drinks

Crooks Fall to Wank(ers), Look to Lose Eye, Gain Horn/Wings, Eat Purple People

WASHINGTON - The K Street Crooks round out their season this week on what will hopefully be a high note. The team dropp
ed last Sunday's test in a valiant fashion to the eponymous Wanks, 1-0. Our Heroes of the Tenth Block worked hard right to the end, unleashing a flurry of offense that made Assistant Captain Bobby McNamara (shown right calling in a second-half set-piece) proud. "After that effort, it looks like I'm going to have to have the boys at OSD change the name of Agent Orange to Agent Pink!" Sadly, the Pink effort failed to put the snowball in the igloo before the whistle sounded thrice. The Crooks endured a tough fifty minutes punctuated by profanity, insanity and pig-piling calamities.

The team takes on hated rival Violet Revolution (#12, 0-5-2) this Sunday in a makeup match first cancelled by Hurricane Ekrem. The Revolution is comprised of the remnants of FC (add your own vowel) K Street, the violent separatist side formed earlier this year. "I think our offense will make them wish they were standing in 200 MPH winds and sideways rain," said meteorologist and part-time soccer game attendee Tony Pappas.

With one last game left in the season, the top of many statistical categories are still up for grabs. The most hotly contested is the Hungover Caps column, brought to you by Steel Reserve. Defender, captain and chief Caribbean scout Joanne Breznay currently holds the lead with three. The brothers Corcoran are in the hunt with two and many are tied with one. Defensive tandem Amy Aubin and Justin Sargent are looking to mix things up by throwing a seemingly innocent "End of Year Party" on Friday. "Frankly, our goal isn't team spirit," said Aubin. "Yeah," interrupted Sargent, "we're looking to get [hangover-prone] Amber [Lovell, defender] and Tim [Snyder, keeper] so drunk that they pull off a double-hangover for Sunday." "At the same time, and here is the key, " clarified Aubin, "we'll be feeding Joanne sparkling apple cider so she can't add to her tally." Goals, assists, and BONECRUSHERS are also hotly contested and could be decided by the last game. The only award locked up is the Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu Memorial Award of which Tony Pappas has been the only recipient. "Merhaba, Ekrem-bey," said Pappas with tear in his eye and the Platinum Cupcake trophy (left) held over his head, "this one's for you!"

The team received another accolade this Monday when TeamSnap, the club management software used by K Street, labeled the team one of it's "Most Active Users". "Well, I can't say we aren't proud," said a team spokesman, "but this would be one of those
Teen Jeopardy situations where you're both a winner and a loser." Reports from Michigan indicated that the team's mom is proud of them and, the spokesman finished, "that's all that matters."

Monday, September 29, 2008

Crooks fall to Meat Product

Washington DC - The first-place K Street Crooks fell to Pressed Ham United on Sunday, 2-1. The enemy tucked their first goal neatly over the head of keeper Tim Snyder. "It was at that moment that I remembered what Joanne or Amber [Breznay and Lovell respectively, both defenders] asked me at practice Saturday. 'Are these goals shorter than the ones we play on at Capitol Hill?' I can now confirm the answer to that question is the affirmative," Snyder told reporters in a post-game interview.

The Crooks tied it up with 7 minutes to go in the half as Ben Hoefs put one past the Meat Product goalie assisted by the elder Corcoran. Hoefs celebrated the goal by dropping his game trunks to reveal what appeared to be lederhosen. "Ich liebe Hasselhoff!" he exclaimed.

Pressed Ham ham-mered the game home beating Snyder five-hole on a rebound with ten minutes left in the match. "It was at that moment," Snyder explained, "that I thought to myself what those Catholic-school nuns taught us 'Close your legs!', but it was too late by then. Good thing Plan B is available over the counter!"

The team played well despite the defeat. Defenders Justin Sargent and Alexis Horn (in her first game back) earned the inaugural BONECRUSHER awards for superior and intimidating defensive play. The Moose Award went to Tony Pappas, the team leader in the category, for missing the game again this week. "We feel his commitment to paying the team fee but not playing is too analogous to the commitment of our captain emeritus to go unnoticed."

The Crooks will cede first place this week to The Wanks who defeated Swampoodle 6-2 in early action on Sunday. The team takes on Real Awesome next week and may do so without the services of three key players. Breznay (right upper leg strain), Snyder (dislocated right ring finger) and Pappas (Washington Bridal Expo) are all listed on the team's injury report as questionable.

"I want to make it clear," said the team spokesman at the conclusion of the weekly Crooks press conference, "This loss isn't the end of the world. It shouldn't be overlooked that we picked ourselves up from posting a painful zero at last week's 11:00 test to having three players hungover - and possibly one buzzed - this week. We may not have scored the most goals, but we continue to make improvements." Hope springs.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Crooks Striker Rises Above the Influence

Editors Note: The following post was taken from and email received by Joanne Breznay and Amber Lovell from their teammate Tony Pappas on Sunday night after an ill fated wine tasting event.

Fellow Souls,

Oh what a fool am I! I spent the afternoon in deep sorrow, I mistakenly believed that I could drown these feelings in the burgundy waters of Crystal City. When I awoke from my folly, face down in a gutter, spooning the very same pink-clad homeless lady we had belittled earlier in the season, I realized the depths into which I had fallen. In the haggard face of my sweet gutterflower I saw a grim shadow of things to come…a worthless existence brimming with aimless wanderlust and failed dreams. Like her I would soon loss my soccer talent to drink and spend the rest of my days ruing the day I choose booze over sport. Pinning over the games I had squandered in my youth that could never be reclaimed. In that blazing moment of epiphany I came to understand the course I must take…

The Crooks are my brotherhood, I know no other family. Soccer is my heart, I know no other lover. I vow to you I will train without fail, I shall score without reservation, and I will lead this team to unknown heights of greatness. To honor the redemption of my soul I have composed these poems to honor my sport and my team. I only wish I could give to you the tear stained originals.

Crooks: A Haiku

Pink blossoms dart by
Bodies take wing into green
Capital Hill Field

History of a Crook: A Diamente

Helpless, Horrible
Wearing, Stupefying, Souring,
Opponent, Goal, Crooks, Goal
Up-lifting, Heartening, Inspiring
Dazzling, Fearless

Your most humble servant and reformed Crook,
Tony Pappas

Editors Note: When asked about this email, Crooks defender Joanne Breznay would only comment “ I have no idea what is wrong with Tony but I am worried – I prefer him drunk.” Amber Lovell went on to add, “his problem with the sauce would explain his lack of commitment to the team this season, now that he is on the straight and narrow he may actually come to a game or two.”

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Crooks Introduce New Stat Categories

ARLINGTON, VA: The K Street Crooks held a press conference today from atop the Cap Hill Table to announce a new statistics incentive program for the team. "I noticed a lot of people were yawning during last week's test, despite the excitement of [defender Amber] Lovell's brain injury, so we decided to spice it up," said goalie Tim Snyder. The team will introduce two new statistics categories this week and then one more per week for the remainder of the season.

Retroactive to last week, the Crooks introduced the Moose Award, sponsored by Safeway Cupcake Cakes, given to the player who best personified the team's captain emeritus. Inaugural recipient, Tony Pappas, was recognized for missing the game claiming that he underestimated how far away Mount Vernon was. "This reminded us a lot of the times Moose would miss games to get to audits four days early saying he forgot about soccer," read the team's statement. "It also raises questions as to what a man of his machissimo was doing at a place such as Mt. Vernon." The team will vote after each game on the award. The winner of the most Mooses, at the end of the season, will be presented with a five-gallon drum of green frosting.

New this week, the Pinkos will begin tallying Goalazzos in honor of Tim "Fauxhawk" Malacarne, its former forward. "This is to most certainly include goals scored by headers, but also other goals scored by unconventional means." The leader in this stat at the end of the season will get some hair gel, or a small dog.

"This shows that the team that first brought you the hung-over cap is not going to rest on their creativity," said Jackie Child, professor of recreational sports and law at Southeastern University. "I'll be excited to see what they come up with next." The team plays the 11 AM test this Sunday versus the third ranked Shrimp Diablos.

Game Recap: Crooks 2, Geezers! 1

By Amber Lovell and Amy Aubin

EDITORS NOTE: Amber Lovell suffered a concussion on Sunday prior to the game when an errant ball stuck her right up-side the noggin. Amy Aubin substituted out midway through the second half after reporting seeing "little pinholes of light". They dictated this account of the game to El Campo just before the ambulance arrived.

The pink fuzzy things beat the white floaters on Tuesday this year. President Grover Cleveland called us to say "hey dudes, that was some nice pizza." We thanked him and pledged our vote for him if he sat out a term before running again. He seemed nice.

The ref had a blue shirt. Blue, like the sky. I like blue.

Goals were scored by What's-His-Name and Oh-Yeah, That Guy. They were faaaaaast, man! They were like giant blurs, speeding on like a greenish-brownish ocean. They kept chasing like this white dot around and it was like "slow it down man, i can't take all this right now." The field was spinning pretty fast, faster than usual. I don't know how they didn't fall off.

The sky was pretty. There were some birds.

This guy with gloves on kept yelling to someone named Amy to "watch the wing." Not sure who he thought he was or who he was yelling at, but she sounded like she was in trooouuble. He needed to lighten up, she was clearly trying her hardest to play soccer and couldn't be distracted by staring at the birds as well.

These weirdos with white shirts kept getting mad when we'd kick the ball away from them. They were not good at sharing. I had a good mind to tell their mothers.
They kept kicking it at the pink people. Meanies! It looked like it hurt. The glove-guy kept yelling "nice!" after the pink people got hit with the ball. The glove-guy is a jerk.

There was this weird tweet noise that kept happening. That must have been a big freaking bird.

Then it was black.

Monday, September 15, 2008

E! True Hollywood Story: The K Street Crooks

In a week of nostalgic glory, the return of the pink jersey was overshadowed by strife within the Crooks ranks. One of the stories fans have latched on to in the new season, is that of long-time friends Ben-german Hoefs and Stefan Georg. Both products of the German hinterland, the Deutsch-duo share a common biography; a saga that would sear into their hearts a dear love and friendship.

Raised away from their ancestral home, Hoefs and Georg struggled to fit into the rough and tumble urban American landscape. Both faced the perils of cultural imperialism; words such as “bootylicious” and “bling” were forced upon the young boys who suffered in isolation for so many years. Forced to play “ugly American sports” like football and baseball in school; each one stoically practiced squash in their lonely new homes. Little did each one know that their feelings of “otherness” would soon come to an end. Their fates were sealed as each was accepted to George Washington University.

Upon arrival at GW both found friends such as Alexis Horn, Tim Snyder and Mustafa Dimbiloglu; all of whom were open-minded enough to overlook their squash loving ways. When asked about this time in their lives Tim [Snyder] replied “l do not claim to understand or even like the sport, but my momma raised me to embrace the idiosyncrasies of other cultures…so I accepted Ben into my life despite obvious reservations.” Although the pair found comfort in this tolerant circle, the fateful date of February 24th 2002, would change the trajectory of their young lives. This was the first day of GW Squash team practice. The two locked eyes and realized that they were destined to be Squash Buddies.

The story that follows this fateful day is one of enduring male friendship. Stories of this deep connection are seldom seen outside of the foxhole. One was rarely seen without the other; they spent their days in practice and their nights ogling pictures of David Hasselhoff and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The two combined their talents on both the squash court and the soccer field. Their involvement in the K Street Crooks launched the pair into district fame. Much like the Great Damon-Affleck Debate, Crooks groupies discuss their friendship at length, arguing over who is “more dreamy.” See F.C. K Street blog to hear Tim Malcarne’s take on the debate. Sports Illustrated’s article on this storied friendship was featured on last year’s June issue – subsequent media coverage resulted in lucrative Adidas and Vitamin Water deals.

With fame however came heartache. Cracking under the pressure of fame, money and a never ending stream of booze and women – the pair has had a falling out of Hilton-Richtie proportions. When asked about the recent turn of events Georg responded “It’s like my man Biggie said – may he rest in peace – mo’ money mo’ problems.” E! News has obtained unreleased video footage of their final days together, filming a sports drink commercial. The two exchanged angry shots to the balls. While the welts may heal, it is doubtful their hearts will. The final blow came when the head-band clad Georg assaulted Hoef’s girlfriend Dorle; an offense that simply cannot be forgiven. When asked about the young woman’s condition, fellow crook Joanne Breznay stated “Things got really ugly, thank God Dorle regained consciousness but I think the friendship is DOA.”

This was evident in Hoef’s absence from the pitch this week. Talking through a representative, Hoef’s stated “its him or me, the other captains will have to decide, but I know that if I see that SOB ever again someone will end up face-down in the Rhine.” The team suffered under the strain of this nasty divorce, barely securing a victory this Sunday. Sad times are ahead, sad times indeed.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Crooks beat Crooks, Lose to Crooks

On Sunday, Everyone was a Loser (nay, Winner)
Arlington, VA (September 7): The K Street Crooks took on the K Street Crooks Sunday in an epic battle on Sunday at the Courthouse Pitch. The team won, defeating itself 6-5 in a close match. The White Crooks were an equal match for the Non-White Crooks but ultimately lost in the "Next Goal Wins Before We All Throw-Up" scenario. New to FIFA laws this year, the "Next Goal or Puke" replaces previous game deciding methods including the Golden Goal and the Endless String of Shootouts.

"We haven't seen this level of non-white on white violence since probably the Milli Vanillli Riots of 1990," said famed Sociology Professor (to be) Tim Malacarne. Those riots, in which five died and three were injured, crippled most of Western Europe as teenie boppers and male models reacted to the news that star pop duo Milli Vanilli were frauds. "Today," forward Tony Pappas said, "we were defined not by our skills, but by the color of our shirts. I think this is what MLK would have wanted." When asked why the team had to split along color lines, Pappas said "the alternative, proposed by Amber [Lovell, defender] was just too crass." Pappas would not elaborate on what Lovell's alternative was but sources indicate it was some sort of "shirts v. skins" or "clothing optional" type game.

The most shocking tidbit of terror was when Non-White Forward Logan Kendall was impeded by White Defender Katie Horgan a mere 7 yards after he played the ball. "It was all my fault," said Katie Horgan, who has missed the first two Crooks games, "these bruises I'll carry as a reminder to not get within 10 yards of Logan in a manner much more compelling than that silly restraining order my sweetheart [Kendall] gave me for my birthday last year." Perhaps surprisingly to Crook fans, defender Amber Lovell emerged unscathed. "Eventhough [perpetual maimer and Goalie Tim] Snyder and I were on the same side, I swore he was going to kick me in the face at least three times today." Someone that looked a lot like Snyder but speaking off the record said that Lovell was spared "for one week and one week only" so she'd let her guard down.

Kendall and Non-White Stand-in Danny took turns in the net for the Colored Crooks, giving Starting Keeper Tim Snyder a break. "It was nice to play out," said Snyder, who had a goal in the first minute and then spent the rest of the match containing his lunch somewhere in the mid-esophageal region. "I got to pay people back for indoor by not coming back on 4-1 breakaways." Snyder, purple faced and burping markedly, was heard on the pitch muttering, "that'll (gasp) learn ya," after his keeper took a particularly brutal shelling by 4 White Crooks in the 30th Minute.

The White Crooks, led by Ben Hoefs and Tony Pappas put on an offensive clinic for the packed crowd of four, strewn on a nearby picnic table. They kicked countless balls over the net, in true Crook fashion, including successfully rocketing several bending corner kicks into the exoatmosphere. "Spring höher!" yelled German Import and Forward Ben Hoefs at the 5-foot-something Horgan. Horgan told El Campo after the game that had she been able to speak German, she would have of course jumped the 200 feet to head the service into the net. "I was really just waiting for a cue." "She better study up," said Hoefs, "we can't be having this kind of communication breakdown next Sunday."

The team, in the middle of a transition to the German Language, will start speaking the Deutsch in its next matchup to scare the opponents. A source in the league office stated off the record that teams likely would not be scared by the new language skills of the Crooks. "More likely, they'll be intimidated by what their new forward Stefan has done to these poor Shar-peis. I mean who's going to adopt those dogs now? My kids want a dog bad too, but I'd just as soon bring home a rat from behind Baja Fresh for them to nuzzle with. Sehr nauseating."

The team, second in the table, returns to action bravely after a dangerous hurricane rocked the region, taking on the #11 Geezers at 3:00 PM. Tickets are available at the box office or by calling Ticketmaster at (617) 931-2000. SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! BE THERE!

Monday, August 18, 2008

K Street Crooks Go For Gold

In the opening game of the fall season, the K Street Crooks set out to prove that last season’s district dominance was no fluke. In the first game of pool play, the Crooks played the Thunder Pigeons. This team lived up to their name by providing a lot of noise, while posing no actual threat - and more than one player seemed to be a vector of infectious disease. In a score reminiscent of the USA v. Mali Basketball match up, the Crooks scored six unanswered goals.

The District Dream Team consisted of forwards Tim “baby giraffe” Malcarne, Logan “calves” Kendall, Stefan “the boss” Georg, and Matt “Logan’s friend” X. Malcarne leaped his way to three goals, while Kendall and Georg scored one a piece. The sixth goal came as a member of the Thunder Pigeons accidentally forgot which team he played on. The defense proved and impenetrable wall against the Mongol herds. Defenders Joanne “barra” Breznay, Justin “the tank” Sargent, Amy “the enforcer” Aubin, Amber “the wall” Lovell and Mike “ironman” Huling not only shut out the opponent but gave them precious few chances to take a shot on goal thus proving the team mantra – when you mess with the red, you’ll wish you were dead.

Spurred on by overwhelming patriotism, Malcarne journeyed from Connecticut in an attempt to match Michael Phelps gold medal count in goals scored. While he fell short of the eight goal mark, Malcarne scored an impressive three goals in his return to the pitch. Defender and co-captain Joanne Breznay noted the reason for the disparity in numbers between Phelps and Malcarne – “Listen, I am not saying that Tim is out of shape or anything but did you see the abs on Phelps? There is no way Tim could live up to that – I mean the most goals he could score with those abs is about 4…5 max.” When asked to respond to this comment Malcarne was found crouched in the fetal position. While this reporter was reticent to intrude on another person’s anguish, “I eat because I am depressed and am depressed because I eat” was faintly discernible between sobs.

In a stunning lack of sportsmanship, the tattooed thunder pigeons did resort to some dirty tactics in order to gain an advantage. An unnamed player who will be referred to as Ike Turner, mistakenly believed that screaming and physical intimidation could compensate for a lack of talent. Ike went so far as to push Malcarne and Sargent to the ground. The fall of Sargent sent shock waves through the Crooks lines; Lovell went pale as a sheet, noting “if he can take down the tank, I fear for Jo and I – one shot like that and we will be in traction for three months.” However, the professional Crooks could not be deterred by such actions and channeled their rage into goals scored.

After the win, Pigeon named Bruce Springsteen (aka Stefan Georg) sang the national anthem. While this moniker was clearly a pejorative to the winged rats, Springsteen is the only boss this reporter listens to. The opposing team was clearly distracted by the neon green headband and left speechless when Georg almost completed a bicycle kick.

In their triumphant return to the pitch, the Crooks sent their competition the way of the carrier pigeon.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Team Raid Gains Control of Rogue Elements

Operation CONSTANTINOPLE Yields Assets, Women

Fairfax, VA - In a stunning turn of events, team leadership wrested control of El Campo de Petworth and other team assets, including the team yacht The Dimbilgoalu Tuesday, bringing a largely peaceful end to the month-long siege first reported here.

Elements of the new team, led by former German commando Ben Hoefs (left), stormed the chateaus of both former captain Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu and former striker/co-conspirator Tim Malacarne at 6:45AM. "We heard that Ekrem was en route to his new hideout in East Lansing today and that Malacarne was returning to town tonight from trusted sources," a team spokesman said today in a press conference. "We didn't have much time. We decided to act on that intelligence and I'm proud to report that Operation CONSTANTINOPLE was a resounding success."

The operation, run under the cover of darkness, was executed simultaneously across two time zones, the team reported. But it wasn't perfect: CONSTANTINOPLE was almost aborted due to navigation failures. "We weren't aware that [Dimbiloglu's] hideout in Michigan does not appear on any maps," said a source close to the operation. "It was like the Unabomber out there."

"We're very proud of Ben's team. We're working now to get everything back up and running. There were some uh... displaced women on the boat that needed to be escorted off. They were turned over to local authorities," said the spokesman. The identities of the women, a few of whom were wearing melon K Street jerseys, or their purpose on the boat, were not available at press time. "That [inaudible] owes me money," one screamed while being escorted into a waiting paddywagon.

El Campo announced this afternoon that they will be accepting applications for new reporters beginning today. Applications can be sent to Tim Snyder or left here in the comments section.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Crooks Ready for Fall, Competition - Not So Much

K Street makes final preparations for defense of their title

WASHINGTON - The defending Capitol Hill League Champion K Street Crooks announced their final roster this afternoon. The 13-man Pink Army begins the 2008 Fall campaign in two weeks and are looking fitter than ever.

The Crooks have added some old faces and some new faces in an attempt to patch the holes in their offense (left by Tim Malacarne), their defense (left by Alexis Horn) and their hearts (left by Mustafa Dimbiloglu). "It's like a plane crash, " said Ben Hoefs at a press conference Wednesday, "Will the team ever be the same? No. But can we pull it together, get some new faces - perhaps Matthew McConaughey - and make something out of our loss. Absoultely. We are K Street."

The team resigned former defenders Katie Horgan and Amber Lovell in a surprise move last month. The two were cut last season and formed a splinter team called F.C. K Street, best known for its missing vowel. Lovell then formed a vitriolic blog where she posted terrible things including exposing Ben Hoefs and Tim Malacarne as cross-dressers. "Certainly we were not happy with the lack of professionalism from her end after the split," said goalkeeper and tri-captain Tim Snyder, "but we need someone on the backline who can take a beating. We weren't sure if it was her, but after kicking her and knocking her down in practice for three weeks straight, I'm convinced."

The team also signed two new forwards, Stefan Georg and Andrew (brother of Mark) Corcoran. Both were instrumental in the team's final two victories last season. "My brother has always wanted to be like me," said forward Mark Corcoran, "and when I saw he had made his own K Street jersey out of what appeared to be parts of several traffic cones, I knew we had to sign him up. You can't teach heart like that."

The Crooks will start in an awkward position though, with two starters suspended for at least two weeks. Snyder was suspended on Monday for dissent by former captain Dimbiloglu after a scathing post about his white-knuckle grip on power. "I really thought he didn't have the power. But then, the Zabita (Turkish black market police) showed up at my door and said I didn't have a license to write all that and they served me with a two-game suspension," explained Snyder, "it was all I could do not to curse Ataturk."

Katie Horgan will also miss at least two games after being imprisoned indefinitely for her role in the Republican filibuster antics last week. "Energy is a really important issue for me, especially given how much oil the Granite State produces every year. And when the Democrats shut the lights off on us, well hoowee. I was madder than John Ashcroft at a Las Vegas showgirl convention." Horgan was arrested after exorcising her anger on a nearby Capitol Hill Police Officer.

The Crooks schedule should be released next week and will be posted right here for everyone to see. K Street will scrimmage this Sunday at 10:30 at the Courthouse Pitch. All are welcome.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Tensions Rise on K Street

Dimbiloglu brings Turkish penchant for militant government transitions to the Crooks

Former team captain and defender Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu is still trying to assert control over the CapHill Champion K Street Crooks. The captaincy transferred last month to the triumvirate of Joanne Breznay, Ben Hoefs and Tim Snyder. However, Dimbiloglu has been reluctant to turn over all the keys to the team.

"We're not talking about something on the scale of what happened in San Francisco this month," said Ted Thompson, a recreational league soccer analyst from the firm Dewey, Cheetham & Howe, "but the new leadership has not achieved full command and control of the organization as yet." Specifically, the triumvirate is still not able to control the website for El Campo de Petworth, the team's official outlet, and does not have access to the Manager's Lounge at the K Street practice facility.

"There was some hope this week," said Terry McAuliffe, spokesman for the triumvirate on Tuesday, "[Goalkeeper and tri-captain Tim] Snyder was able to wrestle control of the team management website from Dimbiloglu late Monday." Snyder then immediately deleted all previous record of Dimbiloglu, including records of his goals and assists. "That was definitely the most time-consuming part," said McAuliffe on Snyder's deletion of veritable gigabytes of the former captain's points data.

Dimbiloglu was not available for comment at time of press. Sources close to the dethroned dictator say he has fled to his native Turkey to escape prosecution. Snyder, forward Tony Pappas and former sweeper Alexis Horn traveled to Istanbul earlier this month to convince Dimbiloglu to cede control, but to no avail. "Last I heard, he was considering fleeing to St. Petersburg [Russia]," said Horn.

There is no word on when he is scheduled to return. He already missed his own going away party thrown by Breznay and returning defender Amber Lovell. "We rolled out the red carpet for him," said Lovell, "and he didn't even show!" "We would have let him throw up on our floor and everything," said Breznay.

The triumvirate refused to comment publicly on what their next move would be. Sources close to the trio tell el Campo they are considering creating a shadow blog, calling in the A-Team to storm his Goztepe apartment, or devising an elaborate trap baited with his favorites: cupcake cakes and Larry King swimsuit magazines. "Either way," said tri-captain Ben Hoefs, "It's going to be bloody."

Monday, July 14, 2008

Crooks win Capitol Hill Spring Season

The Crooks win the Capitol Hill Spring Season 2008 with one game left in the schedule. The Crooks defeated the Real Awesome's last Sunday with a score of 2:0 to win the Championship with 21 points. The Shrimp Daiblos and the Real Awesome's are tied at second place, both taking in 17 points. However, the Diablos are leading the goal differential with +9, compared to +4 for the Awesomes.
The Crooks fielded a fully offensive team on Sunday, however, lone striker Tim shot both goals with two great assists. The Crooks changed their lineup to 1 striker, 2 midfielders, 1 sweeper, 2 defenders, and 1 goalie. With the help of "broken ankle" Amber, "the human wall" Katie, and "hockey goalie" Andy making up the back line, the Crooks defended with presence. And the inclusion of stiker Stefan Georg and midfielder Andrew Corcoran, the Crooks had a front line to be reckoned with.

The last game will be played against Crook's arch-rival Katie Horgan's FC K Street on Sunday July 20, 2008. Expect a battle for the record books.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

New Theft Information Leads to Police Chase

New Leads in Theft of Melon Jersey

After weeks of tiresome detective work and sleepless nights, new facts have developed that could be the breaking point for the retrieval of the missing Melon Jersey.
On July 4th, an anonymous woman (lets call her "Miss Amber") spotted a woman wearing what looked like a melon-colored jersey. Miss Amber approached and even came close enough to identify the District Sports logo on the left brest. However, before she could spot the number on the back, the smiling sun appeared from behind the clouds and temporarily blinded Miss Amber with the reflection. By the time the blindess deceased, the woman in the jersey had disappeared, "I was ... Blinded by the light ... and could swear that I saw Bruce Springsteen for a second."
After calling the 911-Crook-hotline, an Arlington-wide search started but resulted in no melon sightings.

On July 10th, an anonymous man (lets call him "Dr. TimS") again spotted a woman wearing the melon-colored jersey. This time Dr. TimS had luck on his side and saw the elusive number. The number 4. After calling in this new lead to the 911-Crook-hotline, Dr. TimS immediately was offered the reward of hoarding the Google Advertisement money, which he promptly agreed to. This reward had been on the table since the Theft was realised, and finally somebody could take advantage of it. Dr. TimS response to the reward: "I'm the Man!"

After some research, the Crook detectives noticed that Alexis Horn had worn the # 4 during the Pink season and immediately questioned her. Interrogation could not reveal any secrets and thus torture was about to be inflicted when suddenly, her man yelled: "I have her melon jersey right here! She didn't steal it!" Ms. Horn was saved by the bell.

However, now the real interrogations start. The detectives have the fabled number and now are only looking for the culprit. Stay tuned for further leads...

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Crooks Win Hearts and Minds

K Streeters Earn First International Cap, Grass Stains at 4-H Invitational

A select group from the tenth block traveled to Bethesda on Sunday to take on the Iraqi National Team. Forwards Logan Kendall and soon-t0-be-former Crook Tim Malacarne joined with defender Joanne Breznay and netminder Tim Snyder in the match which took place on actual grass at the 4-H National Headquarters. "The grass was something fantastic," said Breznay, "I had never seen it before, grass doesn't really exist where I come from. I mean there are tufts of it here and there, but mostly we play on rocks and glass." Malacarne concurred, "This is my first time traveling to Maryland and frankly, I'm in love. They even have flying insects here. Insects!"

But the trip abroad wasn't all fun and fleas for the Crooks. The team split squad and adopted Iraqi counterparts to take each other on in a fierce competition. Or at least it started out that way. "It became very clear very early that this organic grass substance was very slippery," said Snyder, whose face was green on one side, "Simple things such as stopping, changing directions and bicycle kicks became almost prohibitively difficult. Almost." The team persevered and dazzled the other foreign visitors with what they do best. "Breznay looked good," said one of the Iraqis, "we heard about her ability to boot the ball incredible distances and heights, but man... to see it in person.... She even was able to emulate Snyder-esque goal kicks with little preparation." Breznay own-assisted on a handful of goals after centrally-located goal kicks were intercepted by the opposing side.

The team returned to K Street late Sunday but not before traveling to find crabs, bad drivers and Ikea-College Park, ensuring they got the full Maryland experience. "I'll tell you what," said Kendall reflectively, "I'm not sure I'll ever see grass like that again, but it'll be nice to get back to our glass shards and AA batteries."


The Crooks are expected to announce their new lineup this week as they prepare for the upcoming Fall season starting in August. Team officials are mum but one source close to the roster said "You'll see some old faces, some new faces and some ugly faces in melon this season." The team will need to replace Forward Tim Malacarne and defenders Alexis Horn and Mustafa Dimbiloglu. "We're taking a hard look at that homeless woman who already has Dimbiloglu's jersey. She'd be an upgrade," said the source.

The Crooks also round out their season with matches on the 13th (v. Real Awesome) and the 20th (v. blood rivals FC K Street). "We're ready for a fight [versus current #2] Real Awesome and an outright brawl against FC K Street," said an anonymous team source. "A lot of us have taken up Tae-Bo [in preparation for the brawl] because there's been a lot said, but also because it's great for our trouble areas [love handles and glutes]. We'll be prepared both to defend the honor of K Street and to look good in our swimsuits."

Monday, June 30, 2008

Thievery from the Crooks?

After conducting a routine population size survey regarding thoughts of the K Street Crooks, it came to the attention of Backup Starter Bennji that 99.37% of people think that the word "Crook" is demeaning and conveys an image of theft. When asked by the Guggelhupf Examiner about the outcome of the survey, Ben replied promptly: "I am not a crook! ... wait ... I am a K Street Crook, but I am not a ... bad crook?" Bennji looked puzzled and irritated. Feeling terrible about the answer, Bennji decided to walk to his girlfriend's new apartment for some Mushu [Pork]. However, on the long walk, something happened that will forever change his life.

It was at this corner,


...that something bright, almost watermelony, caught the eye of Sir Bennji. It was a woman, possibly homeless, sitting on a rock, with some boxes, and what looked like paint, wearing the melon-colored shirt of the Crook's second season ending in 5 wins and 5 losses. It was one and the same, the District Sports logo on the left bosom, the unmistakable watermelon color, and the stench of victory spewing from the armpits. Had it not been for the woman's look of rage mixed with uncertainty, Bennji would certainly have gone to investigate. However, fearing for his pitiful life, Bennji decided to fight that battle another day, but an idea was sparked by the chance rendezvous.

Bennji has recently decided to open a Charitable Trust named: "The Crooks are not crooks" which invests in international soccer funds, to convince the population that the K Street Crooks are indeed no crooks and that even they can fall victim to thieves. The first slogan just surfaced, "even thieves steal from Crooks" or "ETSFC" for short. At the opening Ceremony, Bennji hinted at a new soccer team named: ETS FC (ETS Football Club) to spread honor and dignity to the Crook community.

Only the future will tell what people think of Crooks. Maybe Bennji's mission will not be in vain.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

PITCH POINTS for JUNE 22-29, 2008

A Roundup of All Things K Street in Individual 100 Calorie Servings for the Diet-Conscious
  • Defender/Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu and Forward Tim Malacarne were inducted into the K Street Block of Honor prior to last Sunday's game. Both, present since incorporation, were given signed soccer balls for their efforts. The pre-game presentation moved both to tears: Dimbiloglu shedding tears of pride; Malacarne tears of fury. Goalkeeper Tim Snyder, who presented the balls to the retiring Crooks, inaccurately said the match was the forward's last. According to team by-laws, the word of a Crook is infallible and binding, making Malacarne ineligible for the season's final two matches. Sources close to Malacarne told el Campo that he was considering "several options" ranging from name change, lawsuit and sex change.
  • The worst defeat on Sunday did not come at the hands of the opposing team but rather a neighborhood bully. The unnamed minor, shown right, defeated Dimbiloglu in a staring contest during the first half. The pink leader attempted to soothe the pain of his loss with the final piece of watermelon given to the team by one-time Crook Defender Charlotte Gordon. The young tyrant took exception to this act, and the part where Mustafa stuck his tongue out at the child, and began to headbutt Dimbiloglu. The fearless leader quickly subbed back into the relative safety of the ongoing game, whereupon he immediately got into an altercation with an opposing striker. The Crooks surely will have a tough time filling the void left by this great leader.
  • But, they will try. The Crooks announced a change in team governance in a statement released Friday. "Upon Dimbiloglu's departure, control of the team will revert to an unnamed Council of Elders who will guide the team into the future," the press release read. The new cadre, comprised largely of anonymous individuals, said they were "eager to return K Street to its traditional roots." In a response to a request for clarification from el Campo, the Council of Elders quickly corrected that they did not mean the previous tradition of winless seasons and double-digit defeats.
  • Surely the first test of this new group's mettle will be its handling of a critical security breach. On Sunday, el Campo was tipped off that a key leader of a neo-Crook terrorist organization was filming the K Street sideline during the match. A team spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the damage from the breach would "likely be devastating" and force the team to return to "Square One." The team has contacted the office of DC Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton to examine the possibility of Congressional hearings on the issue. The team will likely now have to quickly readjust not only its set-pieces but its entire new-look offense. "It's unfortunate," said a confidential team source, "that offense yielded us a whopping zero points since we implemented it two games ago. I don't know how we can possibly improve on that type of productivity."
  • Whether or not they can figure it out will be decided in the team's final two matches, announced Monday. The team faces Real Awesome (previously defeated 2-1) on July 13th at 4:00 and the K Street Knock Offs the following Sunday at 3:00. The Crooks will play both matches without the services of Tony Pappas (Turkish VD), Mustafa Dimbiloglu (Turkish Pastries), Alexis Horn (Turkish Celebrities) and Tim Snyder (Turkish Heat Exhaustion).

Monday, June 16, 2008

Homecoming, Perfect Season Ruined

Big Jerks to Blame

CAPITOL HILL: The 2008 Homecoming Game for the K Street Crooks took a tragic turn on Sunday. The Crooks suffered their first loss of the campaign, 2-0 in front of a capacity crowd. Among the three people there were one-time Crook sub Charlotte Gordon and Forward Mark Corcoran's only fan, Ari. The team videographer was also in attendance but graciously left her camera at home.

The team, who attempted to equalize the game halfway through the second half with an own-goal, was not available after the game. Forward Tim Malacarne was seen flailing his legs violently into the air, ostensibly kicking at where he thought the Gatorade cooler should have been. Gordon, speaking on behalf of the team, said "yeah it was really tough for the team. To put it in perspective it's like when like Carrie (horse-faced actress on Sex and the City) went to go buy these totally awesome shoes but she like didn't have money cause her credit got declined." Clarifying further for the perplexed press, "Today, their credit was declined. It's sad, but they'll learn something about responsible shopping and will bounce right back."

Near-injury was added to insult at the post-game Homecoming parade, further proving why homecoming parades should not be held after games. Homecoming King Tony Pappas barely escaped serious injury when a float (right) smashed into his overly masculine 300 themed conveyance. The King flew ass-over-teakettle off the float, landing 20 feet away. "Go tell the Spartans, passerby, that here by Spartan law, we lie," he murmured to Forward/Spectator Ben Hoefs who replied, "Um... auf Deutsch, bitte?" Pappas is expected to start Sunday.

The Homecoming Dance on Sunday night wasn't any better. Defender Mike Huling decided to go for the hair-of-the-dog and showed up to the Ball in a toga (left). It is unclear why he was covered in French's but vigorously declared that he was "not yeller about his mustard!" The worst came when Defender Alexis Horn and Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu got into a heated dispute with the DJ. When, under direction from the rest of the team and common sense, the disc jockey refused to play Hanson or Hootie, the two defenders took down the the speakers and PA equipment in a shower of sparks that would make any 70's rocker proud. "MMM BOP THIS!" Horn was heard screaming. Her roommate, goalkeeper Tim Snyder, told el Campo "yeah, she does that sometimes. Just gotta make sure you keep Starburst jelly beans in the house...."

The team hopes to focus all of this divergent energy towards a single goal this Sunday at 4:00 PM when they take on TK's Team at the Capitol Hill Pitch. The Crooks will play without key defender Joanne Breznay who recently was called up to the ranks of MLS. Breznay starts as Defensive Flag-waver for DC United when they take on the San Joesey Earthquakes. Forward Ben Hoefs is questionable with a Hogan's Heroes marathon that needs watching.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Crooks Beat Heat, Sweaty People

Arrival of subs late in first half brings joy, heat stroke

By Tim and Tim, Senior (Only) Writers

The K Street Crooks defeated the Toodle-oo Adu's on Sunday, 2-0, amid heat indexes topping 100 degrees. The team played the first half without subs and with a rented goalie after a scheduling error delayed three defenders and the starting goalkeeper. "We drove as fast as we could," said defender/bus driver Justin Sargent. "The whole time we were thinking about how we could make it up to the Crooks we abandoned. But then when we got out of the car, all we were thinking was "Goddamn, it's hot out here."

The already present Crooks welcomed their teammates arrival by not punching them in the face. Joanne Breznay summed up this token of the team's appreciation, saying "Well, we probably would have, but by then we were too exhausted. It was really hot."

Crook Forward Tony Pappas broke his scoring slump in the first half, poking a loose ball in the penalty area right past the sweaty keeper. "It was great. I saw the ball right in the open there and I just thought to myself 'it's freaking hot out here.'"

Utilityman Jon Carpenter was a force to be reckoned with in the midfield during the second half. "He was everywhere," said netminder Snyder, "There were balls that I didn't think anyone was going to get to in time and I was thinking 'man, I think I'm boiling alive' and then in comes Carpenter to clear it and I just thought 'dear God, is this what hell feels like?' Oh, and for some reason, I really wanted a turkey leg."

Forward Tim Malacarne vaulted to the top of the scoring table in the second half putting a beautiful ball in the lower right through the legs of the sunburned goalie. "I saw that ball go in," said Forward Logan Kendall, "and I was just thinking 'is two goals enough for a mercy rule? Because I don't have any sweat left. Unless my sweat can sweat...." "That goal was a Godsend for all of us," said defender Alexis Horn after the game, "it really iced the win." "WHO SAID ICE?!?" screamed Pappas from the field.

While he managed to pad his personal statistics, Malacarne clearly suffered some ill effects from his efforts Sunday. Feeling poorly later that night, the forward decided he was unable to go to work on time the next morning. El Campo de Petworth has managed to obtain the actual email where he attempts to communicate this fact to his boss:

from tim.malacarne@gmail.com
to ckelly@gmail.com (Ed: not her email address)
date Mon, Jun 9, 2008 at 2:50 AM
subject Sick dau (Ed: not a word)

Dear Cindy,
I seem to have some sort of colror passing day. Talk to you sson,

Experts are still trying to determine exactly what the hell he was talking about.

Such exhaustion was clearly related to the fact that the team played without the services of three key players. Mike Huling, defender/midfielder, was in Kenya training for a 200 mile run. "Don't blame me," he said haughtily by telephone, "it was freaking hot there too." Forward Ben Hoefs, however, was sitting in an air conditioned apartment watching the Germans play in the Euro 2008. "At least it wasn't squash," he said. "That'd be inexcusable." The team apparently felt otherwise and signaled plans to bench him in favor of his brother. *

Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu spent the weekend in the Dominican Republic nursing a daquiri injury. The National Association of Bitch Drinks reported in a 2005 study that Turks in spandex are "particularly vulnerable" to daquiri injuries. The team was particularly unhappy with Dimbiloglu for flagrantly lying to Malacarne about the availability of the team water jug. The latter, along with Pappas, had offered to go out of their way to ensure that it was available. Dimbiloglu not only provided no assistance, he stalled their efforts until he could flee the country and thus render the container unreachable.

This deception brought long-boiling frustrations with the captain's leadership to a head and a vote of no confidence was called for during pre-game warmups. Captain aspirant Tim Snyder appeared to have finally achieved his long held goal of wresting control of the team from its Turkish leader. Snyder and his hand-picked posse failed to show up before halftime, however, and the six Crooks that were present failed to reach the necessary seven person quorum needed to impeach Dimbiloglu. "We missed a key opportunity by neglecting to recognize the fierce urgency of then," said Snyder's campain spokesman of the failed vote, "but we are the campaign of hope and we will not ignore the fierce urgency of now - or next Sunday."

The Crooks will undoubtedly be wearing their long-sleeved electric melon kits as they face the Crustacean Devils on Sunday at 1:00 PM. The weather is slated to be an icy 85 degrees.

* "OK," one anonymous team member was quoted as saying, "so it's not really a new plan..."

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Cactus, Captain's Commitment Rot to Death

El Campo de Petworth's Green Issue

Arlington County Fire and EMS personnel were summoned to the apartment of K Street's Alexis Horn and Tim Snyder on Tuesday night, but their efforts were in vain. Snyder called 911 at 10:35 PM to report that his cactus (shown left), a gift from Team Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu, was unconscious and slumped over its pot. Lieutenant Steve Palmer told the media that all attempts to upright the plant and revive it failed. It was pronounced dead at 10:59 PM.

The autopsy, completed Wednesday morning, confirmed that the cactus's root system (below, right) "was completely rotted due to the extensive rains recently." "It's sad," Snyder said outside of his apartment after hearing the news. "That gift was a thank you from Mustafa for our commitment to the team and a symbol of our [Dimbiloglu, Snyder and Horn] continued dedication to bringing great soccer to K Street."

The death came at a very symbolic time for the team. Dimbiloglu's roots on K Street have rotted as well. After missing three weeks to go on an eating tour of the upper Midwest, Dimbiloglu will miss the team's match again this week to go gallivant around the Dominican Republic with a college buddy. "For the longest time," a team representative who asked to remain anonymous stated, "Mustafa was the round, prickly, staunch anchor of the K Street Crooks. Now, like this cactus, he's completely uprooted himself from our team."

John Stevenson, president of the Council for Leadership Analysis, told El Campo that Dimbiloglu's mental disconnect began well before his current furlough. "Dimbiloglu first missed an indoor game last season because he claimed he forgot about the match and had to go to Michigan for an undisclosed reason. Team members had to rent cars to get to the game, incurring costs well in excess of their annual salary. That started the slide. Since then, he's discontinued supplying his troops with potable water, leaving them to wither in the DC summer heat." The captain even changed his allegiance in the world of internet messaging. No longer is his Google Talk icon the K Street Crook, which he replaced with a mug shot of himself. An anonymous team source, speaking on condition of anonymity, identified that as the turning point for Mustafa and K Street. ""It symbolized how it all became about him, and there's no Mustafa in team," the source reminded El Campo. Dimbiloglu refused to comply with a team ruling requiring him to buy the team ice cream after their win last week. Reports from Glover Park indicate that forward Tim Malacarne is stumbling around with low blood sugar and generally looking emaciated.

Despite the demise of their captain's commitment, the remainder of the team has thrived under the pouring rains of their success. The team, undefeated and firmly entrenched at the top of the table, resembles Snyder's lemon tree (left) more closely. "It's grown three feet since March. We've won five games since March. Coincidence?" Led by stellar defense, often left without Dimbiloglu's help, the team has only let in 2 goals all season. By comparison, two goals were scored in the first minute of each indoor game last season. Offensive production has increased dramatically with the number of shots leaving the field on moon-bound trajectory now down to a minimum. "We haven't yet put one in the public pool [located 30 yards from the end-line, surrounded by 10 feet fencing]," said leading shooter Ben Hoefs.

The team, looking to extend their streaks of five straight wins and three straight shutouts, faces 4th ranked [Goodbye in Foreign Language] Adu on Sunday. Many Crooks will travel to Vienna, VA after the test to seek the counsel and leadership of an aging pot-addled sage. The unnamed confidant told El Campo that he understands "Somewhere, somehow somebody [Dimbiloglu] must have kicked [the Crooks] around some. I hope they tell me why they wanna lay there and revel in their abandon. They don't have to live like refugees, you know."

The Other Tim, El Campo de Petworth's Art Director, contributed to this report.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Press Conference Transcript 0528

On Wednesday, May 28, the K Street Crooks held a press conference to discuss the current state of the team. The team's representative spoke on the condition of anonymity, not wanting to be named while discussing rec-league soccer with more seriousness than it warrants.

Team Rep: Thank you all for coming. Before we begin, a few notes: The K Street Crooks have remained the first place team in the District Sports Capitol Hill league, despite not playing this week. The team wanted to acknowledge the support of those who have stayed with them through their losing seasons. They asked that I take the time to name these supporters individually, but my staff has run into some considerable difficulty trying to identify these fans. We are working on it, I can assure you that, and when we do have that list I will pass it along to you. In other news, Team Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu rejoins the team this week after a three-week absence as will the defensive tandem of Amy Aubin and Justin Sargent. The team will be playing without forward Tim Malacarne this week, who will be out for non-medical reasons. I think that's about it, let's get to questions. Um... Joe.

Joe Baker (SoccerNetDaily): [Team Rep], you mentioned that Dimbiloglu returns this week. Any idea where he was?

Team Rep: Um, not specifically, Joe. He said that he went to the Rocky Mountains to fight bears.

Baker: Fight bears? What is his status for this week's game, then? Is he ok to go?

Team Rep: He reported to walkthroughs today slightly overweight and that raised some concern, but he should be fine now that he has to pay for his food. We understand that his meals throughout the trip were paid for by an outside entity, a liberty of which he took great advantage.

Let me take a minute to address rumors that Dimbiloglu has had no form of athletic activity since leaving the team. He did mention this in an internal email leaked on Tuesday evening. We can confirm that he did climb a set of stairs on May 22 when the escalator he was on stopped running. We have some pictures that my office will send out to you immediately after this.


Steve Jones (Forbes): Can you update us on the latest developments in the scandal with the table?

Team Rep: Sure, Steve. As you know El Campo reported this week that the score for the last test was incorrectly reported and our opponent was awarded an imaginary goal. [Forward] Ben [Hoefs] contacted the league, but we have reason to believe he was just screaming at them in German. As a result, I don't believe he has heard back. We're now looking at other avenues to resolve this, up to and including sending Tony [Pappas, Player/Coach] over there with flaming bags of poo. We believe he has already consumed four cans of Hormel Chili and is working on a fifth for us.

OK, how about Jane.

Jane Wallace (ESPN The Ocho): How about Ben Hoefs? We heard that he was a bit banged up after the last test, something about an ego contusion? Can you comment on this?

Team Rep: Ben's fine. His brother showed him up bad that last game and that takes a lot for a man of his fortitude to overcome. Especially as it is his younger brother. But, I was at the team's scrimmage on Sunday and his brother showed him up again, this time Ben handled it much better. We expect him to be 100% by Sunday, or at least 79% if Timo shows up.


Bob Johnson (Radio Free Europe): [Team Rep], we've heard reports that [Goalkeeper Tim] Snyder played out of the net during the last scrimmage, any truth to the rumors that he'll be starting in place of Malacarne this weekend?

Team Rep: Let me be clear. Snyder played well in practice. He beat Malacarne on one play, kicked two or three shots right where we like them - 50 feet over the net - and even managed to cleat the banished Amber Lovell in the shin. That said, no chance in hell. His skills and his conditioning just weren't there and we're not convinced he can grow a faux-hawk in time. He's more valuable to us standing in the way-too-big penalty area spraying goal kicks 90 feet in the air or off [Defender Mike] Huling's head.

Johnson: Quick follow up - Any truth to the rumors that Malacarne is away this week to discuss a possible transfer?

Team Rep: We haven't heard that. He said he had to go home and help his parents clean the refrigerator in case they need to hide in it to survive a nuclear blast. We have no reason not to believe that story. Dan?

Dan Posey (Wilson Quarterly): The team is in first place for the first time not due to basic alphabetizing, how are the Crooks handling all the pressure?

Team Rep: I'll be honest, both good and bad. [Defender/Offender] Joanne [Breznay] has asked for more protection from our internal security to keep the paparazzi at bay, Al- what?

Posey: Your security - that's the crazy Barra Brava dude with the drum right?

Team Rep: You'll have to be more specific, but it's one of them. Um... wait, what?

Posey: Sorry, any truth to the rumors that she is being stalked by a teammate?

Team Rep: Lots of rumors that Joanne may be being stalked by Alexis [Horn, defender] who has been known to dabble in such activities. I think if you dug a little deeper and looked at the Hanson Tour schedule, you'd realize that's mathmatically impossible.

But yeah, back to the point, other than that one instance, life on K Street is much the same as it was when the team was 0-7-1. Last one: Lisa?

Lisa Simpson (Springfield Inquirier): [Team Rep], we heard that Captain Dimbiloglu has been disciplined for an unspecified breach of team rules, can you elaborate?

Team Rep: Sure, Lisa, but briefly - we like to deal with these matters internally. Dimbiloglu passed an edict before the start of the season that all team business should be transacted through the team management website, known as TeamSnap. If you'll recall, Justin Sargent and Mark Corcoran have both been suspended and fined for failing to respond to Dimbiloglu's requests for information through TeamSnap in a timely fashion earlier this season. Yesterday, he emailed the team outside of the system to set up a practice which Hoefs had already called for on TeamSnap. It was an embarrassment for the entire organization. We had to do something, it's important that we enforce the rules the same way whether we're winning or losing. So we handled it.

Simpson: What was his punishment?

Team Rep: The Kangaroo Court ruled that if the team wins despite his transgression Sunday, he has to buy the entire team ice cream. That seemed fairest for us.

OK, thanks guys. That's all for today. We'll meet again next week. Go Crooks.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Scandal at District Sports

On Sunday May 18, the Crooks of K Street steamrolled the Blue Jay opposition in Washington, DC. Through a pot-holed pitch, hurricane-like weather, and half the team coming down with Pneumonia, the relentless Crooks attacked with Chuck Norris-like accuracy to take a 5-0 win. Two goals scored by Tim M, one by John Carpenter, one by Logan, and one by the youngest Hoefs brother. Anybody with a brain larger than a pomegranate apple can add up those goals, with the help of Excel, and come to 5. That's five goals: Fuenf, Cinq, cinqo.

Upon realization of their stunning victory, District Sports (the international governing board of DC soccer) awarded the Blue Jays with one goal. To which the goalie (Tony Pappas' friend from work who played goalie before and this author met him again at the airport one day after the game at the security line but forgot his name) replied: "I touched the ball twice, on passes that happened to come in my direction, unless I blacked out for a short period of time, the round thing did not enter the rectangle."

This drastically alters the league standings as well. Eventhough the Crooks would remain at the top of the table, the Goal Differential would increase by 2 to (goals for: 14, goals against 2). This could mean the difference between the Crooks playing in next year's Champions League or in the UEFA Cup, and we all know the UEFA Cup means nothing.

Some sort of scandelous act must be occurring at District Sports. A nameless Crooks player was quoted saying, "it's our sister team (FC K Street) trying to deny us of precious points in an attempt to win the Championship." Is this true or just a rumor? Time will tell.

Crooks Wunderkind Ben told the press earlier today, "a full investigation is in the works ... we shall leave no paper unturned, no person unquestioned. We shall prevail, we are ... the K Street Crooks."

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Legion of Crooks Win Again

The K Street Crooks continued their winning ways Sunday with a 5-0 victory over the Blue Jays. The game was most notable for numerous previously absent team members answering last weeks Campo de Petworth call to action and returning, often with friends, to give the Crooks the advantage of having 61 available substitutes. The Blue Jays were unable to deal with wave after wave of fresh legs, and they soon sunk beneath the sea of red jerseys to defeat.

The Crooks controlled the game from the opening whistle, but struggled to translate their possession into scoring opportunities. Finally, having hit the post moments before, forward Tim Malacarne thrust K Street into the lead, beating the goalie after a run down the right side. Soon after, Malacarne again hit the right post, this time with a header off a Ben Hoefs corner. Eventually, he did manage to double the tally right before halftime, taking advantage of a Blue Jays mistake.

The Crooks went to the break with a lead, but knew that the game was still competitive. Malacarne seemed particularly dissatisfied with the first half result. “It’s freaking rec league, coed soccer,” he was heard bellowing, “who the hell cares SOOOOO much that they have to go out and move the goal six inches to the left!” Malacarne was so flustered that the team was forced to bench him for the majority of the second half.

The second period was characterized by the Crooks winning a war of attrition and skill. Soon after the restart, Timo Hoefs did what his brother was unable to and fired home from range to give the red team a more comfortable lead. Then Jon Carpenter got on the end of a movement involving Malacarne and the less good Hoefs to score a goal that appeared to be a product of an actual soccer team. The excellence on display so delighted unofficial coach Tony Pappas that he rushed onto the field yelling about a funny feeling in his shorts. Crooks scattered, but upon his return to the sideline he was offered a place by the FC K Street management for their next game. He quickly accepted and later scored.

Logan Kendall capped the scoring with a marvelous chip over the onrushing Blue Jays goalie.

While the goal scorers were the recipients of the glory, accolades and fawning postgame “affections” of the legions of hot fangirls who line Capitol Hill Field every Sunday (except Malacarne who quickly rushed home to see his girlfriend), the victory was truly a team effort. While not obvious to the casual observer even Ben Hoefs, while unable to score, contributed by providing an assist and thirteen extra players, a team best. Notable among them was Marko Loukas. Loukas was not only solid in defense, he also provided insurance that, due to a previous vendetta, should Crooks captain-in-exile Mustafa Dimbiloglu unexpectedly show up for the game, he would be beaten to death before he could take the field and imperil the team’s chance at a perfect season.