Monday, June 30, 2008

Thievery from the Crooks?

After conducting a routine population size survey regarding thoughts of the K Street Crooks, it came to the attention of Backup Starter Bennji that 99.37% of people think that the word "Crook" is demeaning and conveys an image of theft. When asked by the Guggelhupf Examiner about the outcome of the survey, Ben replied promptly: "I am not a crook! ... wait ... I am a K Street Crook, but I am not a ... bad crook?" Bennji looked puzzled and irritated. Feeling terrible about the answer, Bennji decided to walk to his girlfriend's new apartment for some Mushu [Pork]. However, on the long walk, something happened that will forever change his life.

It was at this corner,,+va&ie=UTF8&ll=38.891581,-77.071781&spn=0.000474,0.000826&t=h&z=20

...that something bright, almost watermelony, caught the eye of Sir Bennji. It was a woman, possibly homeless, sitting on a rock, with some boxes, and what looked like paint, wearing the melon-colored shirt of the Crook's second season ending in 5 wins and 5 losses. It was one and the same, the District Sports logo on the left bosom, the unmistakable watermelon color, and the stench of victory spewing from the armpits. Had it not been for the woman's look of rage mixed with uncertainty, Bennji would certainly have gone to investigate. However, fearing for his pitiful life, Bennji decided to fight that battle another day, but an idea was sparked by the chance rendezvous.

Bennji has recently decided to open a Charitable Trust named: "The Crooks are not crooks" which invests in international soccer funds, to convince the population that the K Street Crooks are indeed no crooks and that even they can fall victim to thieves. The first slogan just surfaced, "even thieves steal from Crooks" or "ETSFC" for short. At the opening Ceremony, Bennji hinted at a new soccer team named: ETS FC (ETS Football Club) to spread honor and dignity to the Crook community.

Only the future will tell what people think of Crooks. Maybe Bennji's mission will not be in vain.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

PITCH POINTS for JUNE 22-29, 2008

A Roundup of All Things K Street in Individual 100 Calorie Servings for the Diet-Conscious
  • Defender/Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu and Forward Tim Malacarne were inducted into the K Street Block of Honor prior to last Sunday's game. Both, present since incorporation, were given signed soccer balls for their efforts. The pre-game presentation moved both to tears: Dimbiloglu shedding tears of pride; Malacarne tears of fury. Goalkeeper Tim Snyder, who presented the balls to the retiring Crooks, inaccurately said the match was the forward's last. According to team by-laws, the word of a Crook is infallible and binding, making Malacarne ineligible for the season's final two matches. Sources close to Malacarne told el Campo that he was considering "several options" ranging from name change, lawsuit and sex change.
  • The worst defeat on Sunday did not come at the hands of the opposing team but rather a neighborhood bully. The unnamed minor, shown right, defeated Dimbiloglu in a staring contest during the first half. The pink leader attempted to soothe the pain of his loss with the final piece of watermelon given to the team by one-time Crook Defender Charlotte Gordon. The young tyrant took exception to this act, and the part where Mustafa stuck his tongue out at the child, and began to headbutt Dimbiloglu. The fearless leader quickly subbed back into the relative safety of the ongoing game, whereupon he immediately got into an altercation with an opposing striker. The Crooks surely will have a tough time filling the void left by this great leader.
  • But, they will try. The Crooks announced a change in team governance in a statement released Friday. "Upon Dimbiloglu's departure, control of the team will revert to an unnamed Council of Elders who will guide the team into the future," the press release read. The new cadre, comprised largely of anonymous individuals, said they were "eager to return K Street to its traditional roots." In a response to a request for clarification from el Campo, the Council of Elders quickly corrected that they did not mean the previous tradition of winless seasons and double-digit defeats.
  • Surely the first test of this new group's mettle will be its handling of a critical security breach. On Sunday, el Campo was tipped off that a key leader of a neo-Crook terrorist organization was filming the K Street sideline during the match. A team spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the damage from the breach would "likely be devastating" and force the team to return to "Square One." The team has contacted the office of DC Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton to examine the possibility of Congressional hearings on the issue. The team will likely now have to quickly readjust not only its set-pieces but its entire new-look offense. "It's unfortunate," said a confidential team source, "that offense yielded us a whopping zero points since we implemented it two games ago. I don't know how we can possibly improve on that type of productivity."
  • Whether or not they can figure it out will be decided in the team's final two matches, announced Monday. The team faces Real Awesome (previously defeated 2-1) on July 13th at 4:00 and the K Street Knock Offs the following Sunday at 3:00. The Crooks will play both matches without the services of Tony Pappas (Turkish VD), Mustafa Dimbiloglu (Turkish Pastries), Alexis Horn (Turkish Celebrities) and Tim Snyder (Turkish Heat Exhaustion).

Monday, June 16, 2008

Homecoming, Perfect Season Ruined

Big Jerks to Blame

CAPITOL HILL: The 2008 Homecoming Game for the K Street Crooks took a tragic turn on Sunday. The Crooks suffered their first loss of the campaign, 2-0 in front of a capacity crowd. Among the three people there were one-time Crook sub Charlotte Gordon and Forward Mark Corcoran's only fan, Ari. The team videographer was also in attendance but graciously left her camera at home.

The team, who attempted to equalize the game halfway through the second half with an own-goal, was not available after the game. Forward Tim Malacarne was seen flailing his legs violently into the air, ostensibly kicking at where he thought the Gatorade cooler should have been. Gordon, speaking on behalf of the team, said "yeah it was really tough for the team. To put it in perspective it's like when like Carrie (horse-faced actress on Sex and the City) went to go buy these totally awesome shoes but she like didn't have money cause her credit got declined." Clarifying further for the perplexed press, "Today, their credit was declined. It's sad, but they'll learn something about responsible shopping and will bounce right back."

Near-injury was added to insult at the post-game Homecoming parade, further proving why homecoming parades should not be held after games. Homecoming King Tony Pappas barely escaped serious injury when a float (right) smashed into his overly masculine 300 themed conveyance. The King flew ass-over-teakettle off the float, landing 20 feet away. "Go tell the Spartans, passerby, that here by Spartan law, we lie," he murmured to Forward/Spectator Ben Hoefs who replied, "Um... auf Deutsch, bitte?" Pappas is expected to start Sunday.

The Homecoming Dance on Sunday night wasn't any better. Defender Mike Huling decided to go for the hair-of-the-dog and showed up to the Ball in a toga (left). It is unclear why he was covered in French's but vigorously declared that he was "not yeller about his mustard!" The worst came when Defender Alexis Horn and Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu got into a heated dispute with the DJ. When, under direction from the rest of the team and common sense, the disc jockey refused to play Hanson or Hootie, the two defenders took down the the speakers and PA equipment in a shower of sparks that would make any 70's rocker proud. "MMM BOP THIS!" Horn was heard screaming. Her roommate, goalkeeper Tim Snyder, told el Campo "yeah, she does that sometimes. Just gotta make sure you keep Starburst jelly beans in the house...."

The team hopes to focus all of this divergent energy towards a single goal this Sunday at 4:00 PM when they take on TK's Team at the Capitol Hill Pitch. The Crooks will play without key defender Joanne Breznay who recently was called up to the ranks of MLS. Breznay starts as Defensive Flag-waver for DC United when they take on the San Joesey Earthquakes. Forward Ben Hoefs is questionable with a Hogan's Heroes marathon that needs watching.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Crooks Beat Heat, Sweaty People

Arrival of subs late in first half brings joy, heat stroke

By Tim and Tim, Senior (Only) Writers

The K Street Crooks defeated the Toodle-oo Adu's on Sunday, 2-0, amid heat indexes topping 100 degrees. The team played the first half without subs and with a rented goalie after a scheduling error delayed three defenders and the starting goalkeeper. "We drove as fast as we could," said defender/bus driver Justin Sargent. "The whole time we were thinking about how we could make it up to the Crooks we abandoned. But then when we got out of the car, all we were thinking was "Goddamn, it's hot out here."

The already present Crooks welcomed their teammates arrival by not punching them in the face. Joanne Breznay summed up this token of the team's appreciation, saying "Well, we probably would have, but by then we were too exhausted. It was really hot."

Crook Forward Tony Pappas broke his scoring slump in the first half, poking a loose ball in the penalty area right past the sweaty keeper. "It was great. I saw the ball right in the open there and I just thought to myself 'it's freaking hot out here.'"

Utilityman Jon Carpenter was a force to be reckoned with in the midfield during the second half. "He was everywhere," said netminder Snyder, "There were balls that I didn't think anyone was going to get to in time and I was thinking 'man, I think I'm boiling alive' and then in comes Carpenter to clear it and I just thought 'dear God, is this what hell feels like?' Oh, and for some reason, I really wanted a turkey leg."

Forward Tim Malacarne vaulted to the top of the scoring table in the second half putting a beautiful ball in the lower right through the legs of the sunburned goalie. "I saw that ball go in," said Forward Logan Kendall, "and I was just thinking 'is two goals enough for a mercy rule? Because I don't have any sweat left. Unless my sweat can sweat...." "That goal was a Godsend for all of us," said defender Alexis Horn after the game, "it really iced the win." "WHO SAID ICE?!?" screamed Pappas from the field.

While he managed to pad his personal statistics, Malacarne clearly suffered some ill effects from his efforts Sunday. Feeling poorly later that night, the forward decided he was unable to go to work on time the next morning. El Campo de Petworth has managed to obtain the actual email where he attempts to communicate this fact to his boss:

to (Ed: not her email address)
date Mon, Jun 9, 2008 at 2:50 AM
subject Sick dau (Ed: not a word)

Dear Cindy,
I seem to have some sort of colror passing day. Talk to you sson,

Experts are still trying to determine exactly what the hell he was talking about.

Such exhaustion was clearly related to the fact that the team played without the services of three key players. Mike Huling, defender/midfielder, was in Kenya training for a 200 mile run. "Don't blame me," he said haughtily by telephone, "it was freaking hot there too." Forward Ben Hoefs, however, was sitting in an air conditioned apartment watching the Germans play in the Euro 2008. "At least it wasn't squash," he said. "That'd be inexcusable." The team apparently felt otherwise and signaled plans to bench him in favor of his brother. *

Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu spent the weekend in the Dominican Republic nursing a daquiri injury. The National Association of Bitch Drinks reported in a 2005 study that Turks in spandex are "particularly vulnerable" to daquiri injuries. The team was particularly unhappy with Dimbiloglu for flagrantly lying to Malacarne about the availability of the team water jug. The latter, along with Pappas, had offered to go out of their way to ensure that it was available. Dimbiloglu not only provided no assistance, he stalled their efforts until he could flee the country and thus render the container unreachable.

This deception brought long-boiling frustrations with the captain's leadership to a head and a vote of no confidence was called for during pre-game warmups. Captain aspirant Tim Snyder appeared to have finally achieved his long held goal of wresting control of the team from its Turkish leader. Snyder and his hand-picked posse failed to show up before halftime, however, and the six Crooks that were present failed to reach the necessary seven person quorum needed to impeach Dimbiloglu. "We missed a key opportunity by neglecting to recognize the fierce urgency of then," said Snyder's campain spokesman of the failed vote, "but we are the campaign of hope and we will not ignore the fierce urgency of now - or next Sunday."

The Crooks will undoubtedly be wearing their long-sleeved electric melon kits as they face the Crustacean Devils on Sunday at 1:00 PM. The weather is slated to be an icy 85 degrees.

* "OK," one anonymous team member was quoted as saying, "so it's not really a new plan..."

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Cactus, Captain's Commitment Rot to Death

El Campo de Petworth's Green Issue

Arlington County Fire and EMS personnel were summoned to the apartment of K Street's Alexis Horn and Tim Snyder on Tuesday night, but their efforts were in vain. Snyder called 911 at 10:35 PM to report that his cactus (shown left), a gift from Team Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu, was unconscious and slumped over its pot. Lieutenant Steve Palmer told the media that all attempts to upright the plant and revive it failed. It was pronounced dead at 10:59 PM.

The autopsy, completed Wednesday morning, confirmed that the cactus's root system (below, right) "was completely rotted due to the extensive rains recently." "It's sad," Snyder said outside of his apartment after hearing the news. "That gift was a thank you from Mustafa for our commitment to the team and a symbol of our [Dimbiloglu, Snyder and Horn] continued dedication to bringing great soccer to K Street."

The death came at a very symbolic time for the team. Dimbiloglu's roots on K Street have rotted as well. After missing three weeks to go on an eating tour of the upper Midwest, Dimbiloglu will miss the team's match again this week to go gallivant around the Dominican Republic with a college buddy. "For the longest time," a team representative who asked to remain anonymous stated, "Mustafa was the round, prickly, staunch anchor of the K Street Crooks. Now, like this cactus, he's completely uprooted himself from our team."

John Stevenson, president of the Council for Leadership Analysis, told El Campo that Dimbiloglu's mental disconnect began well before his current furlough. "Dimbiloglu first missed an indoor game last season because he claimed he forgot about the match and had to go to Michigan for an undisclosed reason. Team members had to rent cars to get to the game, incurring costs well in excess of their annual salary. That started the slide. Since then, he's discontinued supplying his troops with potable water, leaving them to wither in the DC summer heat." The captain even changed his allegiance in the world of internet messaging. No longer is his Google Talk icon the K Street Crook, which he replaced with a mug shot of himself. An anonymous team source, speaking on condition of anonymity, identified that as the turning point for Mustafa and K Street. ""It symbolized how it all became about him, and there's no Mustafa in team," the source reminded El Campo. Dimbiloglu refused to comply with a team ruling requiring him to buy the team ice cream after their win last week. Reports from Glover Park indicate that forward Tim Malacarne is stumbling around with low blood sugar and generally looking emaciated.

Despite the demise of their captain's commitment, the remainder of the team has thrived under the pouring rains of their success. The team, undefeated and firmly entrenched at the top of the table, resembles Snyder's lemon tree (left) more closely. "It's grown three feet since March. We've won five games since March. Coincidence?" Led by stellar defense, often left without Dimbiloglu's help, the team has only let in 2 goals all season. By comparison, two goals were scored in the first minute of each indoor game last season. Offensive production has increased dramatically with the number of shots leaving the field on moon-bound trajectory now down to a minimum. "We haven't yet put one in the public pool [located 30 yards from the end-line, surrounded by 10 feet fencing]," said leading shooter Ben Hoefs.

The team, looking to extend their streaks of five straight wins and three straight shutouts, faces 4th ranked [Goodbye in Foreign Language] Adu on Sunday. Many Crooks will travel to Vienna, VA after the test to seek the counsel and leadership of an aging pot-addled sage. The unnamed confidant told El Campo that he understands "Somewhere, somehow somebody [Dimbiloglu] must have kicked [the Crooks] around some. I hope they tell me why they wanna lay there and revel in their abandon. They don't have to live like refugees, you know."

The Other Tim, El Campo de Petworth's Art Director, contributed to this report.