Arlington County Fire and EMS personnel were summoned to the apartment of K Street's Alexis Horn and Tim Snyder on Tuesday night, but their efforts were in vain. Snyder called 911 at 10:35 PM to report that his cactus (shown left), a gift from Team Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu, was unconscious and slumped over its pot. Lieutenant Steve Palmer told the media that all attempts to upright the plant and revive it failed. It was pronounced dead at 10:59 PM.
The autopsy, completed Wednesday morning, confirmed that the cactus's root system (below, right) "was completely rotted due to the extensive rains recently." "It's sad," Snyder said outside of his apartment after hearing the news. "That gift was a thank you from Mustafa for our commitment to the team and a symbol of our [Dimbiloglu, Snyder and Horn] continued dedication to bringing great soccer to K Street."
The death came at a very symbolic time for the team. Dimbiloglu's roots on K Street have rotted as well. After missing three weeks to go on an eating tour of the upper Midwest, Dimbiloglu will miss the team's match again this week to go gallivant around the Dominican Republic with a college buddy. "For the longest time," a team representative who asked to remain anonymous stated, "Mustafa was the round, prickly, staunch anchor of the K Street Crooks. Now, like this cactus, he's completely uprooted himself from our team."
John Stevenson, president of the Council for Leadership Analysis, told El Campo that Dimbiloglu's mental disconnect began well before his current furlough. "Dimbiloglu first missed an indoor game last season because he claimed he forgot about the match and had to go to Michigan for an undisclosed reason. Team members had to rent cars to get to the game, incurring costs well in excess of their annual salary. That started the slide. Since then, he's discontinued supplying his troops with potable water, leaving them to wither in the DC summer heat." The captain even changed his allegiance in the world of internet messaging. No longer is his Google Talk icon the K Street Crook, which he replaced with a mug shot of himself. An anonymous team source, speaking on condition of anonymity, identified that as the turning point for Mustafa and K Street. ""It symbolized how it all became about him, and there's no Mustafa in team," the source reminded El Campo. Dimbiloglu refused to comply with a team ruling requiring him to buy the team ice cream after their win last week. Reports from Glover Park indicate that forward Tim Malacarne is stumbling around with low blood sugar and generally looking emaciated.
Despite the demise of their captain's commitment, the remainder of the team has thrived under the pouring rains of their success. The team, undefeated and firmly entrenched at the top of the table, resembles Snyder's lemon tree (left) more closely. "It's grown three feet since March. We've won five games since March. Coincidence?" Led by stellar defense, often left without Dimbiloglu's help, the team has only let in 2 goals all season. By comparison, two goals were scored in the first minute of each indoor game last season. Offensive production has increased dramatically with the number of shots leaving the field on moon-bound trajectory now down to a minimum. "We haven't yet put one in the public pool [located 30 yards from the end-line, surrounded by 10 feet fencing]," said leading shooter Ben Hoefs.The team, looking to extend their streaks of five straight wins and three straight shutouts, faces 4th ranked [Goodbye in Foreign Language] Adu on Sunday. Many Crooks will travel to Vienna, VA after the test to seek the counsel and leadership of an aging pot-addled sage. The unnamed confidant told El Campo that he understands "Somewhere, somehow somebody [Dimbiloglu] must have kicked [the Crooks] around some. I hope they tell me why they wanna lay there and revel in their abandon. They don't have to live like refugees, you know."
The Other Tim, El Campo de Petworth's Art Director, contributed to this report.
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