Monday, August 18, 2008

K Street Crooks Go For Gold

In the opening game of the fall season, the K Street Crooks set out to prove that last season’s district dominance was no fluke. In the first game of pool play, the Crooks played the Thunder Pigeons. This team lived up to their name by providing a lot of noise, while posing no actual threat - and more than one player seemed to be a vector of infectious disease. In a score reminiscent of the USA v. Mali Basketball match up, the Crooks scored six unanswered goals.

The District Dream Team consisted of forwards Tim “baby giraffe” Malcarne, Logan “calves” Kendall, Stefan “the boss” Georg, and Matt “Logan’s friend” X. Malcarne leaped his way to three goals, while Kendall and Georg scored one a piece. The sixth goal came as a member of the Thunder Pigeons accidentally forgot which team he played on. The defense proved and impenetrable wall against the Mongol herds. Defenders Joanne “barra” Breznay, Justin “the tank” Sargent, Amy “the enforcer” Aubin, Amber “the wall” Lovell and Mike “ironman” Huling not only shut out the opponent but gave them precious few chances to take a shot on goal thus proving the team mantra – when you mess with the red, you’ll wish you were dead.

Spurred on by overwhelming patriotism, Malcarne journeyed from Connecticut in an attempt to match Michael Phelps gold medal count in goals scored. While he fell short of the eight goal mark, Malcarne scored an impressive three goals in his return to the pitch. Defender and co-captain Joanne Breznay noted the reason for the disparity in numbers between Phelps and Malcarne – “Listen, I am not saying that Tim is out of shape or anything but did you see the abs on Phelps? There is no way Tim could live up to that – I mean the most goals he could score with those abs is about 4…5 max.” When asked to respond to this comment Malcarne was found crouched in the fetal position. While this reporter was reticent to intrude on another person’s anguish, “I eat because I am depressed and am depressed because I eat” was faintly discernible between sobs.

In a stunning lack of sportsmanship, the tattooed thunder pigeons did resort to some dirty tactics in order to gain an advantage. An unnamed player who will be referred to as Ike Turner, mistakenly believed that screaming and physical intimidation could compensate for a lack of talent. Ike went so far as to push Malcarne and Sargent to the ground. The fall of Sargent sent shock waves through the Crooks lines; Lovell went pale as a sheet, noting “if he can take down the tank, I fear for Jo and I – one shot like that and we will be in traction for three months.” However, the professional Crooks could not be deterred by such actions and channeled their rage into goals scored.

After the win, Pigeon named Bruce Springsteen (aka Stefan Georg) sang the national anthem. While this moniker was clearly a pejorative to the winged rats, Springsteen is the only boss this reporter listens to. The opposing team was clearly distracted by the neon green headband and left speechless when Georg almost completed a bicycle kick.

In their triumphant return to the pitch, the Crooks sent their competition the way of the carrier pigeon.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Team Raid Gains Control of Rogue Elements

Operation CONSTANTINOPLE Yields Assets, Women

Fairfax, VA - In a stunning turn of events, team leadership wrested control of El Campo de Petworth and other team assets, including the team yacht The Dimbilgoalu Tuesday, bringing a largely peaceful end to the month-long siege first reported here.

Elements of the new team, led by former German commando Ben Hoefs (left), stormed the chateaus of both former captain Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu and former striker/co-conspirator Tim Malacarne at 6:45AM. "We heard that Ekrem was en route to his new hideout in East Lansing today and that Malacarne was returning to town tonight from trusted sources," a team spokesman said today in a press conference. "We didn't have much time. We decided to act on that intelligence and I'm proud to report that Operation CONSTANTINOPLE was a resounding success."

The operation, run under the cover of darkness, was executed simultaneously across two time zones, the team reported. But it wasn't perfect: CONSTANTINOPLE was almost aborted due to navigation failures. "We weren't aware that [Dimbiloglu's] hideout in Michigan does not appear on any maps," said a source close to the operation. "It was like the Unabomber out there."

"We're very proud of Ben's team. We're working now to get everything back up and running. There were some uh... displaced women on the boat that needed to be escorted off. They were turned over to local authorities," said the spokesman. The identities of the women, a few of whom were wearing melon K Street jerseys, or their purpose on the boat, were not available at press time. "That [inaudible] owes me money," one screamed while being escorted into a waiting paddywagon.

El Campo announced this afternoon that they will be accepting applications for new reporters beginning today. Applications can be sent to Tim Snyder or left here in the comments section.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Crooks Ready for Fall, Competition - Not So Much

K Street makes final preparations for defense of their title

WASHINGTON - The defending Capitol Hill League Champion K Street Crooks announced their final roster this afternoon. The 13-man Pink Army begins the 2008 Fall campaign in two weeks and are looking fitter than ever.

The Crooks have added some old faces and some new faces in an attempt to patch the holes in their offense (left by Tim Malacarne), their defense (left by Alexis Horn) and their hearts (left by Mustafa Dimbiloglu). "It's like a plane crash, " said Ben Hoefs at a press conference Wednesday, "Will the team ever be the same? No. But can we pull it together, get some new faces - perhaps Matthew McConaughey - and make something out of our loss. Absoultely. We are K Street."

The team resigned former defenders Katie Horgan and Amber Lovell in a surprise move last month. The two were cut last season and formed a splinter team called F.C. K Street, best known for its missing vowel. Lovell then formed a vitriolic blog where she posted terrible things including exposing Ben Hoefs and Tim Malacarne as cross-dressers. "Certainly we were not happy with the lack of professionalism from her end after the split," said goalkeeper and tri-captain Tim Snyder, "but we need someone on the backline who can take a beating. We weren't sure if it was her, but after kicking her and knocking her down in practice for three weeks straight, I'm convinced."

The team also signed two new forwards, Stefan Georg and Andrew (brother of Mark) Corcoran. Both were instrumental in the team's final two victories last season. "My brother has always wanted to be like me," said forward Mark Corcoran, "and when I saw he had made his own K Street jersey out of what appeared to be parts of several traffic cones, I knew we had to sign him up. You can't teach heart like that."

The Crooks will start in an awkward position though, with two starters suspended for at least two weeks. Snyder was suspended on Monday for dissent by former captain Dimbiloglu after a scathing post about his white-knuckle grip on power. "I really thought he didn't have the power. But then, the Zabita (Turkish black market police) showed up at my door and said I didn't have a license to write all that and they served me with a two-game suspension," explained Snyder, "it was all I could do not to curse Ataturk."

Katie Horgan will also miss at least two games after being imprisoned indefinitely for her role in the Republican filibuster antics last week. "Energy is a really important issue for me, especially given how much oil the Granite State produces every year. And when the Democrats shut the lights off on us, well hoowee. I was madder than John Ashcroft at a Las Vegas showgirl convention." Horgan was arrested after exorcising her anger on a nearby Capitol Hill Police Officer.

The Crooks schedule should be released next week and will be posted right here for everyone to see. K Street will scrimmage this Sunday at 10:30 at the Courthouse Pitch. All are welcome.