Monday, November 30, 2009

Crooks Season Ends on a High Note

It seems the Crooks have finally warmed up to their construction cone attire. Before they headed out for their Thanksgiving holidays, the Crooks wowed the Capitol Hill crowd with not one, but two smashing victories – a back-to-back feat not seen since the jersey’s were bubble-gum pink. The 2-1 losers on Saturday called themselves CQ Bias FC, while Swampoodle – a longtime K Street rival – lost 2-1 in their final game of the season Sunday.

Though the current standings have K Street in 8th place through 7 games, with a -15 goal differential, captain Breznay assures El Campo that when the final standings are all sorted out, the Crooks will be on top. When asked to elaborate on how this numerically impossible result could be, Breznay simply reminded us of the long line of seedy accountants that have passed through the pink ranks, adding “We’ve got friends in mediocre places, El Campo.”

Stat-fixing aside, the Crooks should be very proud of themselves this season. With such a huge restructuring, from top down, they kept it together and prevailed a few of the times they needed to.

Keep your eyes peeled for news on upcoming spring 2010 schedules and World Cup preparation.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Screw you, Mother Nature

For already the second time this season, Mother Nature has washed out the prospects of a Crooks win. (Or, staved off a loss – however you fine readers of El Campo choose to see it. But this reporter chooses the former) How dare she prevent our orange-clad warriors from wowing the Capital Hill crowds and enthralling them with their incredible football artistry? Where else are these crowds supposed to go? To a Redskins game? Surely they should not be subjected to such cruel punishment. And what about the children? What about the children, I say. Those that look up to the likes of Andrew “Pele” Horgan, Jim “the Flash” Olsen, Ian “Kaboom!” Pfeil… Who are they left to idolize on a Sunday afternoon? Miley? Someone from the Hills? Surely this must not be so.
So Mother Nature, please, cast a ray of sunshine on our beloved Crooks this weekend (just one will do.. the jerseys will act as mirrors and reflect on the whole neighborhood). Do it for the children!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Crooks win!

On a beautiful autumn day in our nation’s capital, the K Street Crooks rebounded to a 3-0 victory over the Glover Park Groupers. [insert bad fish pun here] Goals were aplenty, with rookies Andrea and Ian notching one apiece, and second-season veteran Paul tacking on the third.

The Crooks held possession for the vast majority of the game. The few times the Groupies did manage to get anywhere near the box though, one intimidating figure was waiting for them: Pete the Substitute Goalie. Snagged from the previous game, Pete came through with a stellar goal-keeping performance that clearly showed why he was not on the K Street Crooks squad. We are grateful for his charity, and fearful of our upcoming match-up with his real team.

Next week the team-formerly-clad-in-pink-but-now-in-Hi-Liter-Orange takes on Unatletico DC at noon. Be there!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Game 1 wrap: There’s nowhere to go but up!

First, the bad news. Under a blistering September sun, the team-formerly-clad-in-pink suffered its first loss of the season, falling 3-nil to the aptly named Wanks. To make matters worse, they did so in a most frightful shade of traffic-cone orange (District Sports, it seems, is not without a sense of humor when it comes to the Crooks jerseys). The Wanks, all 496 of them, were supercharged on various yet-to-be-released flavors of Vitamin Water and simply outpaced the Crooks 10 times over.

On the plus side however, loyal El Campo readers will be happy to hear that the richest (or certainly the most successful) tradition of the K Street Crooks has fruitfully carried over to the reworked squad: the gameday hangover. Aided in part by former Crooks Amy and Justin tying the knot the night before, the majority of the Crooks proudly stumbled onto the pitch Sunday, eager to pad their 2009 stats. The newbie Crooks were more reluctant to speak up during the pre-game polling session, but the rum-colored sweat seeping out of their pores at halftime gave them up pretty quickly.

This weekend’s matchup promises to be another thriller as our Orange-clad warriors take on ‘Sunday is the new Tuesday’ at 3pm.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Transfer deadline Looming; Big changes in store for Crooks

As the Fall 2009 season opener draws near, loyal El Campo readers are no doubt at the edge of their seats. Sources in and around the Crooks all speak of a massive overhaul of the heralded team, stemming from a complete breakdown of the of the mighty triumvirate. Several reports claim that captains Hoefs and Snyder have skipped town, fleeing almost immediately after a huge fight with fellow captainess Breznay. Facts are scarce, but one source close to the team had this to share: “Ben and Tim were downright scared of her. I saw tears.”
Rest assured dear readers, El Campo will continue to investigate and keep you up-to-date as information surfaces. In the meantime, go out and buy your official Pink gear and get ready for the September 20th debut of your K Street Crooks!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Crooks share dramatic draw with Pandas; 2/3 of team feared dead

In what can only be described as ‘a game for the ages’, the Crooks battled their way to a thrilling nil-nil tie this weekend versus Unatletico FC. If you’re reading this, and own a pink jersey, odds are you didn’t see it.

On a ridiculously perfect day for soccer, right down to the dew point, our pink-clad warriors began to assemble at Capitol Hill. As they laced up their boots, one question repeatedly came to mind: Where is everyone? Unatletico FC’ers were streaming into the field from all entrances, one blinding neon yellow jersey after another, while the number of Crooks in attendance held steady at just 5. (Granted they were the 5 most talented, attractive and overall most valuable Crooks, but still…) Cell phones, smoke signals, and various bird calls were all employed as futile attempts to locate those absent. We have no choice, dear readers, than to assume that those that did not show are, in fact, dead. Was it swine flu? Or did they all check the latest district sports standings and simply lose the will to live? It is a mystery.

All was not lost however. The remaining Crooks were blessed that afternoon - by angels in purple jerseys. Several Kung Fu Pandas, upon finishing a win of their own, graciously agreed to join the Crooks in their fight against their reflective opponent. The combination of pink, purple and neon on the field was a sight to behold. The level of play, too, was stunning. Striker Jim Olsen literally grew wings and flew around the field – both stymieing the opposition, and providing a pleasant breeze to his fellow teammates. “He’s like a same-age version of Logan Kendall” one fan remarked. Behind Jim was a pink line of defense that never backed down. With an imposing new goalie loaned in from the Pandas with striking brown eyes, the defenders were clearly out to impress. Lovell leveled at least 8 opponents (an ensuing investigation will likely turn up more), and Horgan tackled a dozen more with moves the Wachowski brothers can only dream of recreating.

Though no goals were tallied, it should be on record that the Crooks, against immeasurable odds, fought bravely and skillfully. Let's hope more Crooks are there next week to watch the show!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


ARLINGTON: District Sports released an updated schedule to make up the two matches that were cancelled. The Crooks will play on the 21st and the 28th of June versus Unathletico and arch-rivals the Shrimp Diablos respectively. "We're looking forward to putting some shrimp on the barbie," former wunderkind Mustafa Dimbiloglu said in a press conference Tuesday afternoon. Above the chorus of loud groans and boos which resulted, Dimbiloglu screamed "Screw you. That joke kills in East Lansing." "Then why don't you go back there," a reporter (who looked a lot like Crook defender Amy Aubin) retorted as Dimbiloglu left the podium in tears.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Crooks "steal" another win

"The Crooks play best with 75degree weather and partly cloudy, with a 10% chance of rain" said #1 fan and long-time Crook video master Ms. Slingshot Seals. The Crooks knocked in two early goals and sailed through the rest of the game, finishing after 50 minutes with a 3-0 win. The Kung Fu Pandas were battle-hardened pros who were using every strategy to find a hole in the Crooks Defense. However, the Crook D was almost impregnable, even using offsides traps several times to discourage the Panda Strikers. Even when a hole was found, keeper Kevin flew left and right through the air to keep the ball out of the net. Several of his saves can be seen on SportsCenter's Top 10 this morning. With the Crook's confidence increasing steadily over the season, we can expect more greatness from the Defending Champions.
Goal 2' : Ben Assist: N/A
Goal 5' : Tony (Goalazzo) Assist: Ben
Bonecrusher 7' : Amber
Goal 45': Ben Assist: Logan

Missing info:
Hangover Caps:
Moose award:

In other Crooks News: International Sensation and former Crook Striker Timo Hoefs (now with Miami Freakthunderstormsat2pmeveryday FC) will be on loan for a one-game stint on May 31 vs.Deceptions. Crook Managers expect him to score at least 17 goals to make this one-game loan payment worthwhile.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Crooks Have Disappointing Start to Season

K Street Leadership Unhappy with Drops in Key Stats

WASHINGTON - The K Street front office did not mince words at this week's press conference. "While we have not lost a contest yet, the mood on the Tenth Block is a mix between abject 'My Daughter Wants to Be a Stripper' disappointment and murderous 'Publisher's Clearinghouse Day' rage," said tri-captain Tim Snyder. "There is absolutely no excuse for the way we have been approaching the pitch the past two weeks and I'm here to tell you it is going to change."

The Crooks outlasted a furious onslaught from FC Kicks to win 2-1 last week. But that victory did not redeem the team from the season opening 4-4 tie. "It scheiße," said other tri-captain Ben Hoefs, "the english equivalent is just not strong enough. The key is in the hard s."

The team rolled out a plan to address what they labled "embarassing holes" in the overall Pink game. One point of emphasis for next week is in hungover caps. "Plain and simple," said former league leader and other tri-captain Joanne Breznay, "playing without the overwhelming fear that the next time you kick the ball might be the time you puke all over the pitch is taking away what gave the Crooks their heart since the team was first formed." The team has only logged three total hangovers in two games, well below last year's average of three per game. It is unclear how much impact Breznay's absence last week has to do with the drop in stats, but said Snyder "I'm pretty sure it's not freaking helping."

The second stat category is in Mooses. "While we have become more efficient in ball handling and overall defense, we have let a former mainstay of our game - massive embarassing whiffs - slip dramatically," said Hoefs. In a closed window meeting via G-Chat, Snyder and former Moose leader defender Amber Lovell devised a new plan. The team will have three whiffle ball bats on the sideline. Prior to substituting in, the sub must stand the bat up on one end, place their forhead on the other end and spin repeatedly for 45 seconds. "This has many benefits," said Lovell via Craigslist ads, "for one, it increases the chances of whiffing. It keeps the other team off balance because we'll be so off-balance they'll start to think it's them who are dizzy. And finally, if we can't legitimately get Crooks to puke from hangovers, the spins are still the spins no matter how you get them." El Campo also learned from unnamed sources that the Crooks are in talks with FC Sparta to bring Moose icon Mustafa Dimbiloglu back to the team to boost their whiff stats. "If that were true," said a team official seeking to remain anonymous, "having the guy for whom the stat was created back in pink will be a huge help in this category."

"This has to work," said Snyder at the end of the press conference, "if not, nothing's safe. We're looking at instituting manditory Saturday night keggers, and potentially using blindfolds to up mooses. A 1-0-1 record is not a bad thing, but 0 whiffs and 3 hangovers is unexcusable. The Crooks need to realize this. Quickly." When asked if the team would consider changing jersey colors to spark a resurgence (as the Mighty Ducks did), Snyder replied "No. [expletive censored] no, Tony. Come on. Get over it. How'd you get a damn press pass anyway? Security!"

The Crooks take on Unatletico DC at 4:00 PM this Sunday.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Crooks Welcome New Roster in 2009

Last season saw a shake up in the Crooks roster. While on loan to the Wellington Phoenix, striker Stefan Georg was caught in an unseemly imbroglio with a buxom native. Since the scandal and subsequent media scrutiny, Georg’s 10-year, multi-million dollar contract was canceled. A member from within the triumvirate, who wished to remain anonymous commented “We wish Stefan the best – and God knows I will miss watching all those butt traps – however, we could not in good conscience continue on with Georg, our young fans deserve better.” El Campo went out to gauge fan reaction to this development. We were put in contact with “Bobby” – the 12 year old leader of a SquashBuddies fan site. When asked if this incident tarnished his love of Georg, Bobby responded “God no, it makes me love him more…he is living the dream – soccer, booze, buxom groupies….when I grow up I want to be just like him.” He said this while adjusting his pink headband and nursing a bottle of Jack, this reporter fears for the future.

Further threatening the K Street dynasty was the departure of the Corcoran brothers, who after some locker room brawls with co-captain Tim Snyder were traded to FC Dallas. When asked about this unfortunate turn of events Mark Corcoran remarked “I hope that up-tight pretentious ass [Snyder] lets through every goal this season….he can take that surplus $65 he always manages to skim from the top and buy himself a personality. You show up hungover for a couple of games [according to Teamsnap, all games] and suddenly you “lack heart” and “need to get your shit together” - I laid that Puritan out and am glad to be rid of him.” When asked to comment Snyder’s representatives would only say “Tim will always value the Corcoran’s time on the team and sincerely wishes them all the best at Betty Ford…I mean FC Dallas.”

With three spots in the roster left unfilled as of February, Crooks triumvirate went on an international scouting mission for K-Street caliber players. While in Germany, Ben Hoefs aggressively scouted Bundesliga talent. In hopes of replacing his erstwhile SquashBuddy, Hoefs offered Stuttgart forward Warren (who boasts an impressive, yet deadly, shot) a multi-year contract with many product endorsement tie ins. After working so tirelessly last season to scout “top talent” in Costa Rica, defender Joanne Breznay scouted local talent this year. Midfielder and drummer Paul Hurt will be joining the Crooks ranks. He brings with him a can-do attitude and a killer beat. James Olsen was snatched away from cross-town rivals Violet Revolution. El Campo recently sat down with Olsen at K-Street haunt Vapiano’s to talk about his defection and plans for the upcoming season. When asked what lured him away for Revolution, the usually sunny Olsen became flustered and fidgety. Luckily for this reporter, Olsen is a feather weight, and two white wine spritzers in he was dancing on tables and spilling tightly guarded Crooks secrets. Apparently, to secure Olsen, the Crooks employed a number of underhanded tactics. According to Olsen “I was interested in joining the team, obviously, I mean who would not want to be part of a championship team…but [winking suggestively] I played hard to get. That strategy always works with the ladies and it turns out that it pays off big time in footy. Whatever I wanted was mine; coffee and a muffin delivered to my door each morning, all-inclusive resort stays, meetings with “Destiny” at the Mayflower – man K-Street knows how to woo a player.” Fearing another scandal for the crooks, we then focused on his goals for the season. The usually humble young man reported “I want to become the star of K-Street: men will want to be me, women will want to sleep with me. The names Pappas and Kendall will be replaced by Olsen in the Crooks hall of fame. My face will be emblazoned upon billboards around DC – I WILL BE A SOCCER GOD!!!!!!!!!!!” This show of hubris does not bode well for the Crooks. If the triumvirate can rein this ego in, the Crooks will have the talent to win yet another championship.

For all those who wish to support the pink warriors, contact craigslist immediately. Ticketmaster sold out of tickets within 10 minutes but scalpers are still offering tickets for up to $1000 a piece. Crooks own Joanne Breznay will be hosting a celebrity tailgate in the Capital Hill parking lot beginning at 9:00AM.

Friday, April 3, 2009

El Campo Retracts TeamSnap Article

You may notice I deleted the TeamSnap article. Turns out more than Crooks read the blog! I got a very nice email from Matt @ TeamSnap HQ who had found the post. He was completely apologetic and offered to rectify the situation.

I am sorry for not clearly stating that the post was a joke. We love TeamSnap (where else lets us keep track of who shows up hungover most often or who whiffs most in a game?) and were sad to leave. It is a great service and they were more than honest about the transition from Beta to Free/Pay plans and gave us plenty of time to consider our options. I highly recommend this versatile and easy-to-use service; it's the best I've found by far.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

UPDATE: Crooks to remain pretty in pink

The polls closed overnight on the Crook Uniform Referendum and the Pink prevailed. In a close 7-6 vote, the team voted to request pink jerseys from the league again this year. Aside from quick diversions into melon and red, the Crooks have been pink since their inception. Recently, a growing movement within the team began agitating for a new uniform color, forcing the referendum.

"We're excited by the results. It's important to our identity that we remain pink. Also, it means my tramp stamp is still relevant," said defender Amber Lovell, lifting the back of her shirt to reveal the K Street Crook nestled in a web of tribal linework.

Some Crooks were not as happy. "This is crap," said striker/baker/candlestick maker Logan Kendall. "I wanted a shirt that I could wear out - covered in the blood of my opponents (or teammates) - to entice the ladies. Everyone knows blood doesn't show up well on pink. GAH!" he said, forcefully burying his fist into a pile of dough.

The Crooks roster is nearly final and will appear here exclusively on El Campo.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


Quickly, the chromatic future of the Crooks has become uncertain. Vote to the right whether you would like to remain pink or take some other color.

Monday, February 16, 2009


Leadership Crisis Looms over K Street as Former Captain Returns in Short-term Loan

EAST LANSING - Former K Street Captain Sir Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu will return to the Crooks this summer in a deal just released to El Campo. Dimbiloglu will be on loan from the Superior Spartans of the Michigan Unemployment Liga from early May through mid August this summer.

"I am excited to return to the Crooks," said the Turk in a noon press conference. "And I look forward to returning to my previous leadership position with the team. I appreciate what the Triumvirate did as caretakers but finally," he said with the flourish of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnston "the 'Krem has come back Washington."

Sir Dimbiloglu, who recently bought peerage in the British royal system, was knighted formally as Sir Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu Montgomery, Viscount of Confectionary during his time away from the team. Dimbiloglu, known for his hot bod (above) and no nonsense leadership style (below), made it clear that he has not ruled out a financial remedy to the leadership crisis his return has brought to the Crooks. "I'll throw some money around, for sure."

The team issued this statement today. "The team is happy to hear of [Sir Mustafa] Ekrem [Dimbiloglu]'s return to the metropolitan Washington area this summer. We cannot comment on any role he might have in a pink shirt moving forward. We can reassert that the three leading the team now have done exceptionally well, markedly better than Dimbiloglu and can probably take him in a 3 on 1 street fight scenario."

However, the solidarity of leadership upon Dimbiloglu's return is not that certain. One team member, who spoke on condition of anonymity, did not rule out the Turk's return to leadership. "Every man has his price. I am finshing up my sixth year of school and looking at five more. It doesn't take someone wicked smart in math to know my price isn't too high."

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 10: Katie Horgan

Up next in the interview series is everything-but-goalie Katie Horgan.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Katie! How are you?
Katie Horgan: (burping) he-hello El Ca-a-amp-o. I’m gg-ood.
EC: Um, are you… ok Katie?
KH: hahaha, I’m just fine. I’m just practicing my belching skills.
EC: Why on earth-
KH: Oh, it’s my New Year’s resolution. Since I’ve had some time off work, I thought I’d pick up a new skill. You know, keep myself well-rounded and all.
EC: I see.
KH: I’ve almost got the whole alphabet down, wanna hear it? (taking a deep breath)
EC: Not rea-
KH (burping) –Ayyy, b-bee, cee, dee, eee, ef, gee, ay-ch, i, ja-jay, kay, ell, em, en, oh, pee, q, ar-rr- (exhaling) Woo! I keep running out of breath at ‘R’ but I’m almost there, right?!
EC: That’s, uh, great… But anyway, yes, it just so happens that I came here to talk to you about resolutions today.
KH: Oh, perfect! I mean, (burping) perr-fect!
EC: Yes, but I was actually interested in New Year’s resolutions pertaining to the team... Do you have any goals for the 2009 season?
KH: Hmm. I’m not really sure. I mean, I’ve been really preoccupied with this belching skill. It takes a lot more time than you’d think. There’s gotta be a way I can apply it to soccer…
EC: It might be a good distraction skill… freak out the other team, you know?
KH: Yes! Exactly! When the ball is being passed to someone on the other team, I’ll just start belch-talking to them and they’ll completely miss the ball! (belching) ohh, its gg-onna b ggg-oo-d!
EC: Yes.. it’ll be.. something alright…
KH: (burping) –Ayyy, b-bee, cee, dee—
EC: --oh, we seem to be out of time. Thanks very much Katie. I’m continually amazed at how bizarre this team really is…
KH: haha, yes, and I’m the normal one!
EC: …right. Thanks again.
KH: (burping) Yooo arr welll-come!

Stay tuned for Justin Sargent’s ambitious goals for 2009!

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Quicksand believed to have claimed whatever's left of the lives Lovell and Pappas

ARLINGTON – The K Street Crooks and the Arlington County Police Department closed the Rocky Run Training Facility at 2:15 this afternoon after defender Amber Lovell (right) and forward Tony Pappas (below) disappeared on the pitch before practice. A later investigation determined that the field had turned into quicksand and swallowed the two Crooks whole. They were pronounced dead on the scene.

K Street Keeper/Captain Tim Snyder spoke to the media at team headquarters later this evening to address the situation and the fans.

Snyder: First, the team sends its condolences to the families of Ms. Lovell and Mr. Pappas. This was a terrible tragedy and our pink and melon hearts go out to their kin. They were both great Crooks and their absence will be felt for some time to come.

I am willing to take questions from the media. However, as this happened only a few hours ago, please have patience as many of the details are not yet available. That said, let’s begin…. Jim?

Jim Harwood (Washington Examiner):
Hi Tim, I was wondering if you could lay out the timeline of the events for us?

Sure. Call time for practice was 2:00 PM. The team arrived at 2:04. At 2:07, Lovell and Pappas were the first to enter the pitch, which appeared a bit muddy. At 2:15, the remaining team members present went to enter the pitch but saw no signs of Lovell or Pappas. Then, the team contacted police and evacuated the area. We received word at 2:25 from authorities that Pappas and Lovell had expired and the cause of death appeared to be asphyxiation by quicksand. Don?

Donald Oliver (Washington Post):
Tim, I heard some rumors that practice continued after the field was evacuated, can you confirm or deny this?

: Absolutely, Don. After it was determined that Pappas and Lovell had sunk, we decided that the field was no longer playable so we moved practice to another facility.

: Who made that decision, you?

: No, all three captains were present and we voted. [Defender Katie] Horgan was also there and we gave her a vote as well. It was a secret ballot, but I can say that we had to employ the services of a homeless man to settle the tie.

: How is that even legal?

It was mostly a procedural vote so we didn't want to be too strict. He had the shirt on, we didn’t ask for ID. We just assumed we hadn’t seen [Utilityman Mike] Huling in a while, and we didn’t want to offend him. Next, uh… Gloria?

Gloria Holmes (Guns and Ammo)
: Thanks, Tim, and I’m sorry for your loss.

: Thank you.

: I was wondering why the delay from when the dead people stepped onto the pitch and sunk and when you realized what had happened to them.

: Yes, well. I guess there is no point in keeping this secret anymore. Pappas and Lovell, we believe, were romantically linked for some time. The prevailing assumption as the investigation into their disappearance began was that the two had run off into the nearby woods for some, let’s call it, pre-game stretching.

: So how did you realize that they had instead perished by way of quicksand?

: Well, the cries for help and screaming that we had previously ignored while suiting up, upon reflection appeared to be a bit more frantic than what we have come to expect from that situation based on past experience. Mike?

Michael Eubanks (Guitar Player)
: How did the team handle the events today? Are they ok?

: Yes. They’re doing as well as to be expected. Any time you have to deal with this kind of situation it is difficult. Ben [Hoefs, captain] is hurting and [captain Joanne] Breznay and Horgan are a bit shook up. I have some pain in my neck and back. It was tough for us to switch fields from the relatively flat field we are used to, to a field that resembled our old days at Petworth. It was full of potholes, pinecones and moose-sized dogs. I really hope we don’t have to go through that again but we are amateur professionals and this is our reality with which we have to deal, every day. You think you know, but you have no i--

Eubanks: [Interrupting] Tim, I mean how did they deal with the deaths of their teammates?

: I think you’re over-dramatizing this Mike. We’re a bit banged up, but I think we’re all going to survive. No one’s died from a twisted ankle. I mean there was that one time, but we all thought Corcoran was faking… and we admitted we were wrong there.

No more questions for today. Thanks, guys.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 9: Amber Lovell

Next up in the interview series is defender Amber Lovell.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Amber. How are you?
Amber Lovell: Hey El Campo. I’m good, thanks.
EC: So as you know, El Campo is interviewing each of the Crooks about their New Year’s resolutions. What are your goals for the team for 2009?
AL: Well, I’ve been giving it some thought, and I really feel that there is a presence lacking on our team - a very hot and sexy presence.
EC: Really.
AL: Yes. Its a bit of a missing link if you will - a seriously hot and sexy missing link. And, well, in 2009 I have resolved to restore this hot and sexy link to the team; For the good of the team, for the success of the league, and for the pure visual enjoyment of the entire District. (pausing dramatically) I don’t know, maybe I’ve been spending too much time on, but I just feel our team isn’t quite up to snuff anymore since this… this raw, rugged man left us last year…
EC: Hold on, who exactly are you referring to?
AL: (dreamy-eyed) He’s fiery, he’s passionate… a certifiable stud…
EC: But who…?!
AL: Only the greatest captain this team has ever known! (smiles and winks)
EC: Waaaait, I hope I’m not being presumptuous here, but do you mean… Moose? You’re going to lure back Moose??
AL: Oh yes. Just you wait. I’m going to woo that devilishly handsome Turk back to DC this year. He won’t know what hit him. He’ll be begging to leave grad school before you know it. It’s gonna be wild.
EC: Okay.. so how do you propose to do this?
AL: I’m gonna pull out all the stops – cupcakes, lingerie, videos… the works. I’ve even started learning Turkish love songs during my breaks at school (AL launches into indiscernible Turkish singing)
EC: Wow… well, it seems we're out of time here... thank you for your time Miss. Lovell.
AL: (continues singing… now in a very high pitch. Dogs begin to bark outside)
EC: (yelling over the singing) It was a pleasure talking to you! Thanks again!

Stay tuned to find out about Katie Horgan’s new "skill"…

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 8: Alexis Horn

Continuing the resolution interview series, we sat down with clutch defender, Alexis Horn. For those unaware, Alexis is currently preparing for a 4-month international development trip to Nicaragua.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Alexis. How are you?
Alexis Horn: I’m good!
EC: Excited for Central America?
AH: Oh yes. I can’t wait!! I’ve been counting down for a year now!
EC: uh, didn’t you just find out you were going like 2 months ago?
AH: Yes.
EC: Right. So.. (pause) Ok. So, anyway, I know you have a big year ahead of you, but I was wondering how the Crooks might fit into it? Will you resume playing after you get back? Do you think the team will hold your spot?
AH: What do you mean? (completely confused) I don’t plan on quitting the team while I’m gone…
EC: Well obviously you won’t be able to play while you’re all the way in Nicaragua-
AH: Sure I can. Haven’t you heard of Tele-Footie?
EC: Tele-Footie? Sorry, no… definitely never heard of that… what is it?
AH: Really?? Wow, I can’t believe it! You’ve seriously never heard of it? I mean, like, everyone knows about Tele-Footie… They talk about it on E News all the time!
EC: Nope, sorry..
AH: Wow, ok. Well, (getting really excited) it’s this really cool teleportation program that was designed in I think England specifically for soccer players so that they can play matches all over the world. So you could be in DC playing a game right now and then just teleport over to I don’t know, China this afternoon and play in a match there! It’s wicked cool.
EC: ….what… wait, how… is it… what??
AH: You’ve seriously never heard of this?? It’s so easy! Like all the big players use it all the time, and they’ve finally made it available for regular people to use it. But only if they use it for travel between soccer games. Otherwise it wouldn’t work.
EC: (under my breath) ok, I’ll go with it… I don’t even know where to start.. (aloud) So, this is what you plan on doing while you’re in Nicaragua? They have the facilities to do this?
AH: Oh yes! All you need is a toaster. It’s really easy. Just hold the lever, say the country code out loud, and you’re there! I figure this way, I just have to clear the Crooks schedule with my supervisor down there and I’ll be here for every game!
EC: I just.. wow, I just had no idea this technology even existed. But I mean, if you say so…
AH: Yea, I’m not really sure about the details of it… Logan was the one that originally told me about it. He’s even used it before and said it’s super easy to use.
EC: You say Logan told you about it?
AH: Yep.
EC: ..interesting…. interesting…. Well. Thank you for coming in today Alexis. It sounds like maybe we’ll see you after all this upcoming season. Best of luck to you in your ‘travels.’
AH: Thanks!
EC: Oh by the way, have you made any New Year’s resolutions for 2009?
AH: Oh yes! I always make resolutions. This year I’m going to be a roadie for Gwen Stefani!!!
EC: haha, actually I meant for the tea-- nevermind. Yea, have fun with that! Thanks again!

Stay tuned for some words from defender Amber Lovell!

Monday, January 12, 2009


At 3:00 PM on Sunday, the team released an emergency statement asking players and fans to not consume the scallion pancakes at Nooshi: Oodles, Noodles and Sushi on 19th NW between L and M streets.

"On Saturday afternoon, some team members attended what was supposed to be happy hour at the restaurant. It turned out to be "crazy hour" and things went from bad to worse. The half-price drinks, which were flowing with reckless abandon, appeared to have no effect on whatever was in the scallion pancakes. Three team members missed practice on Saturday as a result," said team surgeon general Ben Hoefs in a press conference Sunday.

Only two team members present, defender Alexis Horn and goalie Tim Snyder were not completely over taken by illness. "Frankly we were shocked by that," said Hoefs. "They had some sort of seaweed dealie that looked like it was for sure going to result in increased bowel activity. I guess our predictions were wrong."

Defender and tri-captain Joanne Breznay was the hardest hit. According to team sources, Breznay slept in a bathtub that she tried to fill with Pepto Bismol on Saturday night. When El Campo tried to reach her for comment, her roommate Amber Lovell said she was not available. "She left at about 7:00 this morning to head to Nooshi. She just kept murmuring 'pancakes.... pancakes' like some sort of masochistic zombie."

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 7: Mike Huling

Today we post the transcript from our interview with Crooks sweeper Mike Huling.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Mike, how are ya?
Mike Huling: I’m great! How are you today?
EC: Very well, thank you. It’s been a very busy day already! I’ve met with a number of your teammates already discussing their New Year’s resolutions, and wow… there have been some pretty crazy responses.
MH: haha, yea, I’m not surprised. Once you get to talking to any of them you’ll quickly find out more than you ever wanted to know.
EC: Tell me about it. This is why I was really looking forward to talking to you today. You seem like the most normal and put together one on the team. Am I right?
MH: Oh I don’t know about that, I guess it would depend on your definition of ‘normal’.
EC: Well, try me – What are your 2009 resolutions for the team?
MH: I’m going to single-handedly overthrow the triumvirate in a wild coup and take over the team as supreme ruling dictator.
EC: haha, good one. But seriously, what are your goals for the year?
MH: I am serious.
EC: Umm… no, haha, you’re just pulling my leg.. there’s no way…
MH: The Hoefs-Snyder-Breznay trio has run its course. Not one of them knows the first thing about leading a team.
EC: Well they seem to have done a pretty good job so far.. back-to-back championships in 2008.
MH: Pure dumb luck. This team deserves better. After the whole Dimbiloglu debacle, I didn’t think it could get worse, but now- well this just has to stop.
EC: And you think you’re the man for the job?
MH: Absolutely. I’m going to take this team to the top. I’ve got our game plan all mapped out already, starting with a special conditioning regimen.
EC: Could you elaborate on that some?
MH: Sure. It starts with a quick 10k warm-up sprint every morning promptly at 5am. That’s followed by a specially designed breakfast shake and a half-dozen raw eggs per person. Then we’ll move on to a 4-hour scripted cardio workout. At 10, we move on to weights. I want everyone on the team benching, at a minimum, four times their body weight. Another protein shake for lunch, followed by 3 hours of intense brainwa-- I mean meditation. Then we’ll throw a couple hours of drills and a 40k run in before dinner, and follow with evening tai chi exercises.
EC: Riiiight.. And this is going to be a daily routine for the Crooks if uh, you were to ‘take control’?
MH: You got it. It’s what they need. Hell, it’s what they want. The triumvirate is letting them down; not letting them reach their full potential.
EC: I see. This is very interesting Mike.
MH: This time next year you’ll be interviewing an entirely new team, I guarantee it. It’s going to be an amazing transformation, just you wait.
EC: Well, err, good luck to you Mike. And thank you for your time today.
MH: You’re welcome, El Campo. Have a wonderful day! GO PINK!

Up next: Alexis Horn announces how she plans to continue playing for the Crooks while abroad… stay tuned!

Friday, January 9, 2009

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 6: Amy Aubin

Next up in the interview series is rock solid defender, Amy Aubin. Unfortunately we were unable to lock Amy down for a face-to-face interview in DC and therefore had to settle for a phone conversation as she carried out an audit in Festus, Missouri.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Amy. How are things in Festus?
Amy Aubin: Pretty good, all things considered. (fumbling the phone) Sorry, I’m driving.
EC: No problem. Rough day of audits?
AA: No. I’m in Festus. And these goddamn people don’t know how to drive their tractors. Why are they driving tractors on the road anyway?? (loud horn-blowing) GOOOOOOOOOOO!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!! SERIOUSLY, YOU’RE GOING 7 MILES PER HOUR!!! 7!!!!!
EC: Is everything ok? We can reschedule the interview…
AA: No, no, I’m sorry, everything’s fine.. this guy is just going- oh my god, he’s now slowed to 6 MILES PER HOUR!!!! (shouting expletives) Sorry about that. He’s not speeding up. It looks like I have ‘plenty’ of time to do an interview, that’s all.
EC: That sounds awful. Well, anyway, we’ll continue then. So, as you know, El Campo is interviewing each of the Crooks to find out their 2009 Resolutions. Do you have any?
AA: Yea, I have a couple resolutions. Right now my goal is to get out this godforsaken hellhole and back to civilization BEFORE MY 80TH BIRTHDAY!
EC: ha ha… that would be nice.. But actually I was looking more for resolutions pertaining to the team.
AA: Right. You know, I hadn’t really thought about it. I suppose I could try to make it to a practice once in a while before my teammates start calling me ‘Dorothy’. But, nah, let’s be a little more practical… let’s see… I guess my goal for the year could be to take the title of ‘most hangover caps’. Yea – that sounds like it could work… is that what you were looking for?
EC: Well, not exactly—
AA: Cuz I could do it. Easy. I may have some competition from Tim when Alexis leaves... and from Ben around Oktoberfest season, but I really think I can take it this year. I can even- WHY ARE YOU STOPPING!!! NOO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! THERE’S NO STOP SIGN HERE, THERE’S NO TRAFFIC! WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF F***ING NOWHERE!!! WHY ARE YOU STOPPING!?!?!?!
EC: (switching phone to other ear) Amy? Everything alright?
AA: Sorry, I’m gonna have to let you go. I gotta go have a word with Farmer Bob here- YEA I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SH- (*click* phone is disconnected)

EC: (hanging up) I swear we have that exact same conversation every time we talk.

Check back soon for some fightin’ words from Mike Huling!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 5: Stefan Georg

Continuing our New Year’s resolution series, today we offer up tabloid goldmine, striker Stefan Georg – currently on loan to Wellington Phoenix in New Zealand.

El Campo: Good afternoon Stefan! Or should I say ‘G’day’?
Stefan Georg: G’****in’day!!! Woooo!!!!!!! Par-tayyyy!!!!!
EC: Wow! I was going to ask how New Zealand is, but I think I can guess!
SG: Yea, it’s a ****in’ blast man, totally wild. I’m lovin’ every nano-second of it.
EC: That’s great. Now, before I get into the intended interview questions, there are some things I think we need to get out of the way first.. I’m sure you’re well aware of the media circus surrounding your many drunk and baked escapades down under and the myriad of, well, shall we say ‘distasteful’ photos that have surfaced?
SG: Yea, they’re pretty sweet, aren’t they? Good times, good times. Though you should see the ones that didn’t make it into the papers… wooo-eeeee!
EC: Stefan, are you saying you’re proud of these photos?
SG: Hell yea! What’s the big deal? Did you see the knockers on that chick? Man, I’d never seen anything like that in the US…
EC: The big deal is that you’re not seeing the bigger picture here. (becoming increasingly irate) There are children back home in DC that look up to you- they have your poster on their bedroom walls, they wear your trademark sweatband 24/7, they’ve even started an after-school clinic practicing your infamous ‘ass-pass’ for crying out loud!! What about them?! Tell me Stefan, what about the children?!?!
SG: Wow, well, gee, I had no idea… I guess I never thought of that…
EC: (furious) Well you should!! The next time you go gallivanting through a pub or lighting up at a rave, you’d better think twice! Think about your fans and what kind of impression you’re making on them. You are a role model! Behave like one!!
SG: I’m… I’m so sorry… I just had no idea… I… (putting his head down in his hands, begins to sob)

(a long pause, muffled sobs)

EC: So this brings me to what I came here to ask you. What are your New Year’s resolutions this year for the team – or (ahem) otherwise?
SG: (sniffling) well… I… I’ve got to change… I just don’t know how yet…
EC: It’s about making choices Stefan… making the right choices, all the time. You can do it.
SG: (looking up, eyes puffy and red) Thank you, El Campo.
EC: You’re welcome. And thank you for coming in today, it’s always a pleasure to talk to you.
(SG and EC exchange wayward glances)

(brief pause)

SG: So…. are we gonna get naked now?

(sound of rustling papers, chairs falling over, recorder clicks off)

Check back soon for a glimpse into life on the road for Amy Aubin.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 4: Logan Kendall

Next up in our interview series is striker Logan Kendall.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Logan.
Logan Kendall: (in a thick British accent) Good day’ madam. I hope you don’t mind, I brought some tea – would you care for some?
EC: Oh, why, yes, thank you, that would be lovely. And can I say that is a remarkably good British accent you’ve got there.
LK: Of course it is. (wistfully) Haven’t I told you I was born and bred in the hills of Wilmingtonshire… my mum still lives there today- in fact, I just returned from holiday there this very morn.
EC: Really! I had no idea. But what about California?… I mean, I’ve always heard you speak in such a typical Californian accent, and--
LK: --Well my good lady, there seems to be many things you don’t know about 'Agent 225837'.
EC: I just can’t believe it. This is fascinating. Tell me, what else have you hidden from El Campo and your team – goodness! Your team! Do they know??
LK: Oh no no… For reasons I can only tell you very little about, I have not revealed my true identity to my teammates. Let’s just say, it is for their own safety, and the safety of their families. (pausing, pensively) Madam, I can only tell you that my real line of work involves some of the most confidential and mysterious organizations on Earth. My position and my role here on the K Street Crooks is one of utmost importance and one that must be kept in place at all costs.
EC: Are the Crooks in danger?
LK: They would be if I left – and I don’t just mean in goal differentials, mind you. There are forces at play here that are far beyond the understanding of this football club.
EC: What kind of forces? What exactly are you protecting them from?
LK: Forgive me madam, but I fear I have said too much already. I cannot speak further on this subject.
EC: I’m sorry. It’s just that this is such a startling revelation; our readers are going to be shocked to hear this you know. And by the way, you do realize the team is going to find out via the blog, aren’t you? Why are you telling me—
LK: I am aware of that possibility… however, we have it on excellent intelligence that the team does not actually read the blog anymore, and those that do simply skim the articles looking for their own names. I’m fairly confident much of this will never actually be read. And if it does, well, we have (ahem) ways of dealing with that. (looking at his watch) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must run. I’ve got to catch a flight to Prague – I mean “California” – in an hour.
EC: Oh, by all means! And thank you so much for your time and willingness to share.
LK: You’re most welcome.
EC: Oh! I almost forgot! One more quick question Logan... Do you have any New Years resolutions pertaining to the team?
LK: Of course I do – it’s the same every year. Protect the Crooks. (winking)

Coming up next: Derriere extraordinaire, Stefan Georg!

Monday, January 5, 2009

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 3: Joanne Breznay

Rounding out the triumvirate, we continue our New Years interview series today with co-triumverate captainess, Joanne Breznay.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Joanne.
Joanne Breznay: ‘Sup El-C! Yo, check it- (JB gets up and dances for a few minutes) Yea yea..
EC: Wow, impressive! What- uh, what was that?
JB: It’s crunkin’. It’s the latest craze to hit the CV. Pretty fly, right?
EC: The CV?
JB: Colonial Village!
EC: Oh. Right. So I take it this is what you’ve been keeping yourself busy with during the off-season?
JB: (wiping sweat from her brow) Yea, that and the Lockin’. I mastered Poppin’ over the Thanksgiving break, now I’m just adding a few more moves to my repertoire. Say word.
EC: It’s good to see you’re staying active. Now, I came here today to ask you about your New Year’s resolutions. What are your goals for the 2009 Crook season? Any big plans?
JB: You just mean legal stuff, right? Cuz I got some plans I don’t think El-C needs to know about--
EC: --Let’s keep it clean Joanne.
JB: Aight, aight… ha, I was just playin’ with ya there, I don’t know anything about no bank robbery plans-
EC: Joanne! Please!
JB: Right. (clearing throat) Yes. I do have a few goals for my upcoming Crook season. For one, I’d like to really help out in the community more. Volunteer at soup kitchens. Pick up trash at local parks. I’d also like the Crooks to get involved in some after-school activities during the week, like working with children to rehabilitate sick puppies and kittens back to health so we can send them to poor countries that can’t afford loving healthy pets.
EC: That’s beautiful.. what a wonderful sentiment.
JB: Thank you.
EC: Any other goals for 2009?
JB: Well, I do have one more..
EC: And what is that? Donating blood, perhaps? Helping the homeless?
JB: Not exactly… Do you remember the guy in the red shorts that tripped me during a match back in August?
EC: Vaguely.. sure, why?
JB: (dead serious) He better sleep with one eye open, that’s all. (JB makes a shooting gesture with hand)
EC: (jaw-dropped) Um. I think that’s all we have time for today.. thanks-for-your-time-I’m-sorry-I-really-have-to-go (running out the door)

Up next- Logan Kendall (if that’s really his name..)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

New Years Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 2: Ben Hoefs

Today we pick up where Part 1 left off, with an exclusive interview with co-triumverate captain Ben Hoefs.

El Campo: Good afternoon Be--
Ben Hoefs: (on phone, yelling) ….ich bin der architect deines schmerzen!! Viva Deutschland!! Porsche!!!
EC: Uh… Ben?
BH: (hanging up) Sorry about that… that was just my bookie.
EC: Are you ready to start..? I could come back later…
BH: No, no! Everything’s all taken care of. Lets do this!
EC: Ok. Well, as you know, El Campo is doing a New Years special on the K Street Crooks, and we’re asking each of the players to tell us what their New Years resolutions will be for 2009. So, what goals do you have in mind for the upcoming season?
BH: Well lets see here. Definitely want to score more goals this year – that’s my top priority.
EC: Excellent! That’s great to hear.
BH: But I don’t mean just a couple more goals per game.. (BH becomes very rigid and serious here) I’m talking serious world-record goal-scoring here. I plan on scoring at an absolute minimum……. 150 goals per game.
EC: …wait, wha-? 150-
BH: I mean it. This league needs a super-star. A star that can deliver amazing results, attract the crowds, really put Capital Hill on the map. People are going to come from all over the world – from Hamburg to Brandenburg, to Hesse to Saarland and maybe even as far away as Mechlenburg-Vorpommern – just imagine, they’ll--
EC: --But.. I’m sorry to interrupt, but just doing the math quickly here, that works out to roughly 3 goals per minute of play. How is that even possible?
BH: (deadpanning) Oh believe me baby, its possible. And I’m gonna do it. Just you wait.
EC: Um, alright then, sounds like you sure have your work cut out for you in 2009!
BH: (rolling eyes) Yea, if you call being loved by the entire world work..
EC: Right. Well, thank you for your time Ben, this has been a truly enlightening exper-
BH: (on phone) [multiple German expletives]!!!

Stay tuned for co-triumverate captain Joanne's "plans" for the New Year...

Friday, January 2, 2009

New Years Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 1: Tim Snyder

El Campo has recently had the opportunity to sit down with each of the K Street Crooks in a series of rare one-on-one interviews. The topic: New Year’s Resolutions. Every couple of days El Campo will post the transcript from one of these interviews for your reading pleasure. Without giving too much away, I can tell you this was one of the most enthralling assignments ever given to this lowly El Campo reporter… I hope you enjoy this rare glimpse into the psyche of our favorite pink football club.

First up, co-triumverate captain, Tim Snyder

El Campo: Good afternoon Tim! –err, may I call you Tim?
Tim Snyder: Absolutely not.
(awkward silence, much fidgeting on El Campo’s part)
Tim Snyder: haha, I’m just kidding.. You know I love you El Campo de Petworth. Oh and by the way, you do know we’re no longer the ‘pride of Petworth’, right? I mean, come on, we’ve been at Capital Hill way longer than we were at that dump. Change the name already! (rolling eyes, crossing arms across his chest)
EC: Uh… erm… that’s really up to the editors, I’m just a reporter..
TS: I know, I know, again, I’m just joshing ya.. relax! Now, what did you want to talk about?
EC: Well, uh, ‘sir’-
TS: Call me Tim!
EC: Yes, of course. Tim. Yes. Well what I want to talk to the Crooks about today is the subject of New Year’s Resolutions. What are your goals for the team in 2009?
TS: Ahh, great question. I have been thinking about my resolution for some time now – nearly the entire year.
EC: And what have you come up with?
TS: Well let me lay this on you, and honestly, tell me what you think: (clearing his throat) I have resolved to get the Crooks featured on ---wait for it… wait for it--- Blind Date.
EC: ….You mean that trashy Fox reality show that follows douchebag couples around on their first dates until they end up wasted in a budget inn hot tub?
TS: Precisely!
EC: I’m sorry, uh, Tim, but I just don’t see the relevance here…
TS: Come on! It’s brilliant! We get a couple of players to sign up for the show.. you can tell they accept just about anyone.. We may have to throw a couple push-up bras on the girls, get a couple bottles of hair gel and cheap cologne for the guys, but you know, nothing too extravagant… Anyway, we get them on the show, they do the little bio of the player on the date, and Whammo! (TS gets out of his chair, flails arms about in a theatrical way) Flash a pic or a video clip of the K Street Crooks in all their melon and pink glory! We could even have the little Crook guy from our original logo run across the screen!! We’ll be famous!!
EC: I see… I suppose that is an easy way to get your name on television… But what about the rest of the show? The player would then have to go on an awful date, wouldn’t they? Would any of the Crooks actually be willing to do that?
TS: Well I sure as hell wouldn’t. But Alexis is a big fan of the show, I think she might go for it.
EC: Wow. Throwing your fiancé into the trashiest of trashy reality dating shows, all in the name of Pink!
TS: Thank you, thank you.
EC: Well, Mr. Snyder – I mean, Tim – this has been a very enlightening conversation. It’s nice to finally get some insight into what one-third of the triumvirate is thinking. Thank you so much for your time.
TS: No problem. And tell your readers to stay tuned to Blind Date… its gonna happen for us this year, I just know it!
EC: Will do. Thanks again, sir.

Stay tuned for our next post, fellow co-triumverate captain and extreme Hasselhoff-enthusiast, Ben Hoefs!