Thursday, July 31, 2008

Tensions Rise on K Street

Dimbiloglu brings Turkish penchant for militant government transitions to the Crooks

Former team captain and defender Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu is still trying to assert control over the CapHill Champion K Street Crooks. The captaincy transferred last month to the triumvirate of Joanne Breznay, Ben Hoefs and Tim Snyder. However, Dimbiloglu has been reluctant to turn over all the keys to the team.

"We're not talking about something on the scale of what happened in San Francisco this month," said Ted Thompson, a recreational league soccer analyst from the firm Dewey, Cheetham & Howe, "but the new leadership has not achieved full command and control of the organization as yet." Specifically, the triumvirate is still not able to control the website for El Campo de Petworth, the team's official outlet, and does not have access to the Manager's Lounge at the K Street practice facility.

"There was some hope this week," said Terry McAuliffe, spokesman for the triumvirate on Tuesday, "[Goalkeeper and tri-captain Tim] Snyder was able to wrestle control of the team management website from Dimbiloglu late Monday." Snyder then immediately deleted all previous record of Dimbiloglu, including records of his goals and assists. "That was definitely the most time-consuming part," said McAuliffe on Snyder's deletion of veritable gigabytes of the former captain's points data.

Dimbiloglu was not available for comment at time of press. Sources close to the dethroned dictator say he has fled to his native Turkey to escape prosecution. Snyder, forward Tony Pappas and former sweeper Alexis Horn traveled to Istanbul earlier this month to convince Dimbiloglu to cede control, but to no avail. "Last I heard, he was considering fleeing to St. Petersburg [Russia]," said Horn.

There is no word on when he is scheduled to return. He already missed his own going away party thrown by Breznay and returning defender Amber Lovell. "We rolled out the red carpet for him," said Lovell, "and he didn't even show!" "We would have let him throw up on our floor and everything," said Breznay.

The triumvirate refused to comment publicly on what their next move would be. Sources close to the trio tell el Campo they are considering creating a shadow blog, calling in the A-Team to storm his Goztepe apartment, or devising an elaborate trap baited with his favorites: cupcake cakes and Larry King swimsuit magazines. "Either way," said tri-captain Ben Hoefs, "It's going to be bloody."

Monday, July 14, 2008

Crooks win Capitol Hill Spring Season

The Crooks win the Capitol Hill Spring Season 2008 with one game left in the schedule. The Crooks defeated the Real Awesome's last Sunday with a score of 2:0 to win the Championship with 21 points. The Shrimp Daiblos and the Real Awesome's are tied at second place, both taking in 17 points. However, the Diablos are leading the goal differential with +9, compared to +4 for the Awesomes.
The Crooks fielded a fully offensive team on Sunday, however, lone striker Tim shot both goals with two great assists. The Crooks changed their lineup to 1 striker, 2 midfielders, 1 sweeper, 2 defenders, and 1 goalie. With the help of "broken ankle" Amber, "the human wall" Katie, and "hockey goalie" Andy making up the back line, the Crooks defended with presence. And the inclusion of stiker Stefan Georg and midfielder Andrew Corcoran, the Crooks had a front line to be reckoned with.

The last game will be played against Crook's arch-rival Katie Horgan's FC K Street on Sunday July 20, 2008. Expect a battle for the record books.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

New Theft Information Leads to Police Chase

New Leads in Theft of Melon Jersey

After weeks of tiresome detective work and sleepless nights, new facts have developed that could be the breaking point for the retrieval of the missing Melon Jersey.
On July 4th, an anonymous woman (lets call her "Miss Amber") spotted a woman wearing what looked like a melon-colored jersey. Miss Amber approached and even came close enough to identify the District Sports logo on the left brest. However, before she could spot the number on the back, the smiling sun appeared from behind the clouds and temporarily blinded Miss Amber with the reflection. By the time the blindess deceased, the woman in the jersey had disappeared, "I was ... Blinded by the light ... and could swear that I saw Bruce Springsteen for a second."
After calling the 911-Crook-hotline, an Arlington-wide search started but resulted in no melon sightings.

On July 10th, an anonymous man (lets call him "Dr. TimS") again spotted a woman wearing the melon-colored jersey. This time Dr. TimS had luck on his side and saw the elusive number. The number 4. After calling in this new lead to the 911-Crook-hotline, Dr. TimS immediately was offered the reward of hoarding the Google Advertisement money, which he promptly agreed to. This reward had been on the table since the Theft was realised, and finally somebody could take advantage of it. Dr. TimS response to the reward: "I'm the Man!"

After some research, the Crook detectives noticed that Alexis Horn had worn the # 4 during the Pink season and immediately questioned her. Interrogation could not reveal any secrets and thus torture was about to be inflicted when suddenly, her man yelled: "I have her melon jersey right here! She didn't steal it!" Ms. Horn was saved by the bell.

However, now the real interrogations start. The detectives have the fabled number and now are only looking for the culprit. Stay tuned for further leads...

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Crooks Win Hearts and Minds

K Streeters Earn First International Cap, Grass Stains at 4-H Invitational

A select group from the tenth block traveled to Bethesda on Sunday to take on the Iraqi National Team. Forwards Logan Kendall and soon-t0-be-former Crook Tim Malacarne joined with defender Joanne Breznay and netminder Tim Snyder in the match which took place on actual grass at the 4-H National Headquarters. "The grass was something fantastic," said Breznay, "I had never seen it before, grass doesn't really exist where I come from. I mean there are tufts of it here and there, but mostly we play on rocks and glass." Malacarne concurred, "This is my first time traveling to Maryland and frankly, I'm in love. They even have flying insects here. Insects!"

But the trip abroad wasn't all fun and fleas for the Crooks. The team split squad and adopted Iraqi counterparts to take each other on in a fierce competition. Or at least it started out that way. "It became very clear very early that this organic grass substance was very slippery," said Snyder, whose face was green on one side, "Simple things such as stopping, changing directions and bicycle kicks became almost prohibitively difficult. Almost." The team persevered and dazzled the other foreign visitors with what they do best. "Breznay looked good," said one of the Iraqis, "we heard about her ability to boot the ball incredible distances and heights, but man... to see it in person.... She even was able to emulate Snyder-esque goal kicks with little preparation." Breznay own-assisted on a handful of goals after centrally-located goal kicks were intercepted by the opposing side.

The team returned to K Street late Sunday but not before traveling to find crabs, bad drivers and Ikea-College Park, ensuring they got the full Maryland experience. "I'll tell you what," said Kendall reflectively, "I'm not sure I'll ever see grass like that again, but it'll be nice to get back to our glass shards and AA batteries."


The Crooks are expected to announce their new lineup this week as they prepare for the upcoming Fall season starting in August. Team officials are mum but one source close to the roster said "You'll see some old faces, some new faces and some ugly faces in melon this season." The team will need to replace Forward Tim Malacarne and defenders Alexis Horn and Mustafa Dimbiloglu. "We're taking a hard look at that homeless woman who already has Dimbiloglu's jersey. She'd be an upgrade," said the source.

The Crooks also round out their season with matches on the 13th (v. Real Awesome) and the 20th (v. blood rivals FC K Street). "We're ready for a fight [versus current #2] Real Awesome and an outright brawl against FC K Street," said an anonymous team source. "A lot of us have taken up Tae-Bo [in preparation for the brawl] because there's been a lot said, but also because it's great for our trouble areas [love handles and glutes]. We'll be prepared both to defend the honor of K Street and to look good in our swimsuits."