Monday, September 29, 2008

Crooks fall to Meat Product

Washington DC - The first-place K Street Crooks fell to Pressed Ham United on Sunday, 2-1. The enemy tucked their first goal neatly over the head of keeper Tim Snyder. "It was at that moment that I remembered what Joanne or Amber [Breznay and Lovell respectively, both defenders] asked me at practice Saturday. 'Are these goals shorter than the ones we play on at Capitol Hill?' I can now confirm the answer to that question is the affirmative," Snyder told reporters in a post-game interview.

The Crooks tied it up with 7 minutes to go in the half as Ben Hoefs put one past the Meat Product goalie assisted by the elder Corcoran. Hoefs celebrated the goal by dropping his game trunks to reveal what appeared to be lederhosen. "Ich liebe Hasselhoff!" he exclaimed.

Pressed Ham ham-mered the game home beating Snyder five-hole on a rebound with ten minutes left in the match. "It was at that moment," Snyder explained, "that I thought to myself what those Catholic-school nuns taught us 'Close your legs!', but it was too late by then. Good thing Plan B is available over the counter!"

The team played well despite the defeat. Defenders Justin Sargent and Alexis Horn (in her first game back) earned the inaugural BONECRUSHER awards for superior and intimidating defensive play. The Moose Award went to Tony Pappas, the team leader in the category, for missing the game again this week. "We feel his commitment to paying the team fee but not playing is too analogous to the commitment of our captain emeritus to go unnoticed."

The Crooks will cede first place this week to The Wanks who defeated Swampoodle 6-2 in early action on Sunday. The team takes on Real Awesome next week and may do so without the services of three key players. Breznay (right upper leg strain), Snyder (dislocated right ring finger) and Pappas (Washington Bridal Expo) are all listed on the team's injury report as questionable.

"I want to make it clear," said the team spokesman at the conclusion of the weekly Crooks press conference, "This loss isn't the end of the world. It shouldn't be overlooked that we picked ourselves up from posting a painful zero at last week's 11:00 test to having three players hungover - and possibly one buzzed - this week. We may not have scored the most goals, but we continue to make improvements." Hope springs.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Crooks Striker Rises Above the Influence

Editors Note: The following post was taken from and email received by Joanne Breznay and Amber Lovell from their teammate Tony Pappas on Sunday night after an ill fated wine tasting event.

Fellow Souls,

Oh what a fool am I! I spent the afternoon in deep sorrow, I mistakenly believed that I could drown these feelings in the burgundy waters of Crystal City. When I awoke from my folly, face down in a gutter, spooning the very same pink-clad homeless lady we had belittled earlier in the season, I realized the depths into which I had fallen. In the haggard face of my sweet gutterflower I saw a grim shadow of things to come…a worthless existence brimming with aimless wanderlust and failed dreams. Like her I would soon loss my soccer talent to drink and spend the rest of my days ruing the day I choose booze over sport. Pinning over the games I had squandered in my youth that could never be reclaimed. In that blazing moment of epiphany I came to understand the course I must take…

The Crooks are my brotherhood, I know no other family. Soccer is my heart, I know no other lover. I vow to you I will train without fail, I shall score without reservation, and I will lead this team to unknown heights of greatness. To honor the redemption of my soul I have composed these poems to honor my sport and my team. I only wish I could give to you the tear stained originals.

Crooks: A Haiku

Pink blossoms dart by
Bodies take wing into green
Capital Hill Field

History of a Crook: A Diamente

Helpless, Horrible
Wearing, Stupefying, Souring,
Opponent, Goal, Crooks, Goal
Up-lifting, Heartening, Inspiring
Dazzling, Fearless

Your most humble servant and reformed Crook,
Tony Pappas

Editors Note: When asked about this email, Crooks defender Joanne Breznay would only comment “ I have no idea what is wrong with Tony but I am worried – I prefer him drunk.” Amber Lovell went on to add, “his problem with the sauce would explain his lack of commitment to the team this season, now that he is on the straight and narrow he may actually come to a game or two.”

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Crooks Introduce New Stat Categories

ARLINGTON, VA: The K Street Crooks held a press conference today from atop the Cap Hill Table to announce a new statistics incentive program for the team. "I noticed a lot of people were yawning during last week's test, despite the excitement of [defender Amber] Lovell's brain injury, so we decided to spice it up," said goalie Tim Snyder. The team will introduce two new statistics categories this week and then one more per week for the remainder of the season.

Retroactive to last week, the Crooks introduced the Moose Award, sponsored by Safeway Cupcake Cakes, given to the player who best personified the team's captain emeritus. Inaugural recipient, Tony Pappas, was recognized for missing the game claiming that he underestimated how far away Mount Vernon was. "This reminded us a lot of the times Moose would miss games to get to audits four days early saying he forgot about soccer," read the team's statement. "It also raises questions as to what a man of his machissimo was doing at a place such as Mt. Vernon." The team will vote after each game on the award. The winner of the most Mooses, at the end of the season, will be presented with a five-gallon drum of green frosting.

New this week, the Pinkos will begin tallying Goalazzos in honor of Tim "Fauxhawk" Malacarne, its former forward. "This is to most certainly include goals scored by headers, but also other goals scored by unconventional means." The leader in this stat at the end of the season will get some hair gel, or a small dog.

"This shows that the team that first brought you the hung-over cap is not going to rest on their creativity," said Jackie Child, professor of recreational sports and law at Southeastern University. "I'll be excited to see what they come up with next." The team plays the 11 AM test this Sunday versus the third ranked Shrimp Diablos.

Game Recap: Crooks 2, Geezers! 1

By Amber Lovell and Amy Aubin

EDITORS NOTE: Amber Lovell suffered a concussion on Sunday prior to the game when an errant ball stuck her right up-side the noggin. Amy Aubin substituted out midway through the second half after reporting seeing "little pinholes of light". They dictated this account of the game to El Campo just before the ambulance arrived.

The pink fuzzy things beat the white floaters on Tuesday this year. President Grover Cleveland called us to say "hey dudes, that was some nice pizza." We thanked him and pledged our vote for him if he sat out a term before running again. He seemed nice.

The ref had a blue shirt. Blue, like the sky. I like blue.

Goals were scored by What's-His-Name and Oh-Yeah, That Guy. They were faaaaaast, man! They were like giant blurs, speeding on like a greenish-brownish ocean. They kept chasing like this white dot around and it was like "slow it down man, i can't take all this right now." The field was spinning pretty fast, faster than usual. I don't know how they didn't fall off.

The sky was pretty. There were some birds.

This guy with gloves on kept yelling to someone named Amy to "watch the wing." Not sure who he thought he was or who he was yelling at, but she sounded like she was in trooouuble. He needed to lighten up, she was clearly trying her hardest to play soccer and couldn't be distracted by staring at the birds as well.

These weirdos with white shirts kept getting mad when we'd kick the ball away from them. They were not good at sharing. I had a good mind to tell their mothers.
They kept kicking it at the pink people. Meanies! It looked like it hurt. The glove-guy kept yelling "nice!" after the pink people got hit with the ball. The glove-guy is a jerk.

There was this weird tweet noise that kept happening. That must have been a big freaking bird.

Then it was black.

Monday, September 15, 2008

E! True Hollywood Story: The K Street Crooks

In a week of nostalgic glory, the return of the pink jersey was overshadowed by strife within the Crooks ranks. One of the stories fans have latched on to in the new season, is that of long-time friends Ben-german Hoefs and Stefan Georg. Both products of the German hinterland, the Deutsch-duo share a common biography; a saga that would sear into their hearts a dear love and friendship.

Raised away from their ancestral home, Hoefs and Georg struggled to fit into the rough and tumble urban American landscape. Both faced the perils of cultural imperialism; words such as “bootylicious” and “bling” were forced upon the young boys who suffered in isolation for so many years. Forced to play “ugly American sports” like football and baseball in school; each one stoically practiced squash in their lonely new homes. Little did each one know that their feelings of “otherness” would soon come to an end. Their fates were sealed as each was accepted to George Washington University.

Upon arrival at GW both found friends such as Alexis Horn, Tim Snyder and Mustafa Dimbiloglu; all of whom were open-minded enough to overlook their squash loving ways. When asked about this time in their lives Tim [Snyder] replied “l do not claim to understand or even like the sport, but my momma raised me to embrace the idiosyncrasies of other cultures…so I accepted Ben into my life despite obvious reservations.” Although the pair found comfort in this tolerant circle, the fateful date of February 24th 2002, would change the trajectory of their young lives. This was the first day of GW Squash team practice. The two locked eyes and realized that they were destined to be Squash Buddies.

The story that follows this fateful day is one of enduring male friendship. Stories of this deep connection are seldom seen outside of the foxhole. One was rarely seen without the other; they spent their days in practice and their nights ogling pictures of David Hasselhoff and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The two combined their talents on both the squash court and the soccer field. Their involvement in the K Street Crooks launched the pair into district fame. Much like the Great Damon-Affleck Debate, Crooks groupies discuss their friendship at length, arguing over who is “more dreamy.” See F.C. K Street blog to hear Tim Malcarne’s take on the debate. Sports Illustrated’s article on this storied friendship was featured on last year’s June issue – subsequent media coverage resulted in lucrative Adidas and Vitamin Water deals.

With fame however came heartache. Cracking under the pressure of fame, money and a never ending stream of booze and women – the pair has had a falling out of Hilton-Richtie proportions. When asked about the recent turn of events Georg responded “It’s like my man Biggie said – may he rest in peace – mo’ money mo’ problems.” E! News has obtained unreleased video footage of their final days together, filming a sports drink commercial. The two exchanged angry shots to the balls. While the welts may heal, it is doubtful their hearts will. The final blow came when the head-band clad Georg assaulted Hoef’s girlfriend Dorle; an offense that simply cannot be forgiven. When asked about the young woman’s condition, fellow crook Joanne Breznay stated “Things got really ugly, thank God Dorle regained consciousness but I think the friendship is DOA.”

This was evident in Hoef’s absence from the pitch this week. Talking through a representative, Hoef’s stated “its him or me, the other captains will have to decide, but I know that if I see that SOB ever again someone will end up face-down in the Rhine.” The team suffered under the strain of this nasty divorce, barely securing a victory this Sunday. Sad times are ahead, sad times indeed.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Crooks beat Crooks, Lose to Crooks

On Sunday, Everyone was a Loser (nay, Winner)
Arlington, VA (September 7): The K Street Crooks took on the K Street Crooks Sunday in an epic battle on Sunday at the Courthouse Pitch. The team won, defeating itself 6-5 in a close match. The White Crooks were an equal match for the Non-White Crooks but ultimately lost in the "Next Goal Wins Before We All Throw-Up" scenario. New to FIFA laws this year, the "Next Goal or Puke" replaces previous game deciding methods including the Golden Goal and the Endless String of Shootouts.

"We haven't seen this level of non-white on white violence since probably the Milli Vanillli Riots of 1990," said famed Sociology Professor (to be) Tim Malacarne. Those riots, in which five died and three were injured, crippled most of Western Europe as teenie boppers and male models reacted to the news that star pop duo Milli Vanilli were frauds. "Today," forward Tony Pappas said, "we were defined not by our skills, but by the color of our shirts. I think this is what MLK would have wanted." When asked why the team had to split along color lines, Pappas said "the alternative, proposed by Amber [Lovell, defender] was just too crass." Pappas would not elaborate on what Lovell's alternative was but sources indicate it was some sort of "shirts v. skins" or "clothing optional" type game.

The most shocking tidbit of terror was when Non-White Forward Logan Kendall was impeded by White Defender Katie Horgan a mere 7 yards after he played the ball. "It was all my fault," said Katie Horgan, who has missed the first two Crooks games, "these bruises I'll carry as a reminder to not get within 10 yards of Logan in a manner much more compelling than that silly restraining order my sweetheart [Kendall] gave me for my birthday last year." Perhaps surprisingly to Crook fans, defender Amber Lovell emerged unscathed. "Eventhough [perpetual maimer and Goalie Tim] Snyder and I were on the same side, I swore he was going to kick me in the face at least three times today." Someone that looked a lot like Snyder but speaking off the record said that Lovell was spared "for one week and one week only" so she'd let her guard down.

Kendall and Non-White Stand-in Danny took turns in the net for the Colored Crooks, giving Starting Keeper Tim Snyder a break. "It was nice to play out," said Snyder, who had a goal in the first minute and then spent the rest of the match containing his lunch somewhere in the mid-esophageal region. "I got to pay people back for indoor by not coming back on 4-1 breakaways." Snyder, purple faced and burping markedly, was heard on the pitch muttering, "that'll (gasp) learn ya," after his keeper took a particularly brutal shelling by 4 White Crooks in the 30th Minute.

The White Crooks, led by Ben Hoefs and Tony Pappas put on an offensive clinic for the packed crowd of four, strewn on a nearby picnic table. They kicked countless balls over the net, in true Crook fashion, including successfully rocketing several bending corner kicks into the exoatmosphere. "Spring höher!" yelled German Import and Forward Ben Hoefs at the 5-foot-something Horgan. Horgan told El Campo after the game that had she been able to speak German, she would have of course jumped the 200 feet to head the service into the net. "I was really just waiting for a cue." "She better study up," said Hoefs, "we can't be having this kind of communication breakdown next Sunday."

The team, in the middle of a transition to the German Language, will start speaking the Deutsch in its next matchup to scare the opponents. A source in the league office stated off the record that teams likely would not be scared by the new language skills of the Crooks. "More likely, they'll be intimidated by what their new forward Stefan has done to these poor Shar-peis. I mean who's going to adopt those dogs now? My kids want a dog bad too, but I'd just as soon bring home a rat from behind Baja Fresh for them to nuzzle with. Sehr nauseating."

The team, second in the table, returns to action bravely after a dangerous hurricane rocked the region, taking on the #11 Geezers at 3:00 PM. Tickets are available at the box office or by calling Ticketmaster at (617) 931-2000. SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! BE THERE!