Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Press Conference Transcript 0528

On Wednesday, May 28, the K Street Crooks held a press conference to discuss the current state of the team. The team's representative spoke on the condition of anonymity, not wanting to be named while discussing rec-league soccer with more seriousness than it warrants.

Team Rep: Thank you all for coming. Before we begin, a few notes: The K Street Crooks have remained the first place team in the District Sports Capitol Hill league, despite not playing this week. The team wanted to acknowledge the support of those who have stayed with them through their losing seasons. They asked that I take the time to name these supporters individually, but my staff has run into some considerable difficulty trying to identify these fans. We are working on it, I can assure you that, and when we do have that list I will pass it along to you. In other news, Team Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu rejoins the team this week after a three-week absence as will the defensive tandem of Amy Aubin and Justin Sargent. The team will be playing without forward Tim Malacarne this week, who will be out for non-medical reasons. I think that's about it, let's get to questions. Um... Joe.

Joe Baker (SoccerNetDaily): [Team Rep], you mentioned that Dimbiloglu returns this week. Any idea where he was?

Team Rep: Um, not specifically, Joe. He said that he went to the Rocky Mountains to fight bears.

Baker: Fight bears? What is his status for this week's game, then? Is he ok to go?

Team Rep: He reported to walkthroughs today slightly overweight and that raised some concern, but he should be fine now that he has to pay for his food. We understand that his meals throughout the trip were paid for by an outside entity, a liberty of which he took great advantage.

Let me take a minute to address rumors that Dimbiloglu has had no form of athletic activity since leaving the team. He did mention this in an internal email leaked on Tuesday evening. We can confirm that he did climb a set of stairs on May 22 when the escalator he was on stopped running. We have some pictures that my office will send out to you immediately after this.


Steve Jones (Forbes): Can you update us on the latest developments in the scandal with the table?

Team Rep: Sure, Steve. As you know El Campo reported this week that the score for the last test was incorrectly reported and our opponent was awarded an imaginary goal. [Forward] Ben [Hoefs] contacted the league, but we have reason to believe he was just screaming at them in German. As a result, I don't believe he has heard back. We're now looking at other avenues to resolve this, up to and including sending Tony [Pappas, Player/Coach] over there with flaming bags of poo. We believe he has already consumed four cans of Hormel Chili and is working on a fifth for us.

OK, how about Jane.

Jane Wallace (ESPN The Ocho): How about Ben Hoefs? We heard that he was a bit banged up after the last test, something about an ego contusion? Can you comment on this?

Team Rep: Ben's fine. His brother showed him up bad that last game and that takes a lot for a man of his fortitude to overcome. Especially as it is his younger brother. But, I was at the team's scrimmage on Sunday and his brother showed him up again, this time Ben handled it much better. We expect him to be 100% by Sunday, or at least 79% if Timo shows up.


Bob Johnson (Radio Free Europe): [Team Rep], we've heard reports that [Goalkeeper Tim] Snyder played out of the net during the last scrimmage, any truth to the rumors that he'll be starting in place of Malacarne this weekend?

Team Rep: Let me be clear. Snyder played well in practice. He beat Malacarne on one play, kicked two or three shots right where we like them - 50 feet over the net - and even managed to cleat the banished Amber Lovell in the shin. That said, no chance in hell. His skills and his conditioning just weren't there and we're not convinced he can grow a faux-hawk in time. He's more valuable to us standing in the way-too-big penalty area spraying goal kicks 90 feet in the air or off [Defender Mike] Huling's head.

Johnson: Quick follow up - Any truth to the rumors that Malacarne is away this week to discuss a possible transfer?

Team Rep: We haven't heard that. He said he had to go home and help his parents clean the refrigerator in case they need to hide in it to survive a nuclear blast. We have no reason not to believe that story. Dan?

Dan Posey (Wilson Quarterly): The team is in first place for the first time not due to basic alphabetizing, how are the Crooks handling all the pressure?

Team Rep: I'll be honest, both good and bad. [Defender/Offender] Joanne [Breznay] has asked for more protection from our internal security to keep the paparazzi at bay, Al- what?

Posey: Your security - that's the crazy Barra Brava dude with the drum right?

Team Rep: You'll have to be more specific, but it's one of them. Um... wait, what?

Posey: Sorry, any truth to the rumors that she is being stalked by a teammate?

Team Rep: Lots of rumors that Joanne may be being stalked by Alexis [Horn, defender] who has been known to dabble in such activities. I think if you dug a little deeper and looked at the Hanson Tour schedule, you'd realize that's mathmatically impossible.

But yeah, back to the point, other than that one instance, life on K Street is much the same as it was when the team was 0-7-1. Last one: Lisa?

Lisa Simpson (Springfield Inquirier): [Team Rep], we heard that Captain Dimbiloglu has been disciplined for an unspecified breach of team rules, can you elaborate?

Team Rep: Sure, Lisa, but briefly - we like to deal with these matters internally. Dimbiloglu passed an edict before the start of the season that all team business should be transacted through the team management website, known as TeamSnap. If you'll recall, Justin Sargent and Mark Corcoran have both been suspended and fined for failing to respond to Dimbiloglu's requests for information through TeamSnap in a timely fashion earlier this season. Yesterday, he emailed the team outside of the system to set up a practice which Hoefs had already called for on TeamSnap. It was an embarrassment for the entire organization. We had to do something, it's important that we enforce the rules the same way whether we're winning or losing. So we handled it.

Simpson: What was his punishment?

Team Rep: The Kangaroo Court ruled that if the team wins despite his transgression Sunday, he has to buy the entire team ice cream. That seemed fairest for us.

OK, thanks guys. That's all for today. We'll meet again next week. Go Crooks.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Scandal at District Sports

On Sunday May 18, the Crooks of K Street steamrolled the Blue Jay opposition in Washington, DC. Through a pot-holed pitch, hurricane-like weather, and half the team coming down with Pneumonia, the relentless Crooks attacked with Chuck Norris-like accuracy to take a 5-0 win. Two goals scored by Tim M, one by John Carpenter, one by Logan, and one by the youngest Hoefs brother. Anybody with a brain larger than a pomegranate apple can add up those goals, with the help of Excel, and come to 5. That's five goals: Fuenf, Cinq, cinqo.

Upon realization of their stunning victory, District Sports (the international governing board of DC soccer) awarded the Blue Jays with one goal. To which the goalie (Tony Pappas' friend from work who played goalie before and this author met him again at the airport one day after the game at the security line but forgot his name) replied: "I touched the ball twice, on passes that happened to come in my direction, unless I blacked out for a short period of time, the round thing did not enter the rectangle."

This drastically alters the league standings as well. Eventhough the Crooks would remain at the top of the table, the Goal Differential would increase by 2 to (goals for: 14, goals against 2). This could mean the difference between the Crooks playing in next year's Champions League or in the UEFA Cup, and we all know the UEFA Cup means nothing.

Some sort of scandelous act must be occurring at District Sports. A nameless Crooks player was quoted saying, "it's our sister team (FC K Street) trying to deny us of precious points in an attempt to win the Championship." Is this true or just a rumor? Time will tell.

Crooks Wunderkind Ben told the press earlier today, "a full investigation is in the works ... we shall leave no paper unturned, no person unquestioned. We shall prevail, we are ... the K Street Crooks."

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Legion of Crooks Win Again

The K Street Crooks continued their winning ways Sunday with a 5-0 victory over the Blue Jays. The game was most notable for numerous previously absent team members answering last weeks Campo de Petworth call to action and returning, often with friends, to give the Crooks the advantage of having 61 available substitutes. The Blue Jays were unable to deal with wave after wave of fresh legs, and they soon sunk beneath the sea of red jerseys to defeat.

The Crooks controlled the game from the opening whistle, but struggled to translate their possession into scoring opportunities. Finally, having hit the post moments before, forward Tim Malacarne thrust K Street into the lead, beating the goalie after a run down the right side. Soon after, Malacarne again hit the right post, this time with a header off a Ben Hoefs corner. Eventually, he did manage to double the tally right before halftime, taking advantage of a Blue Jays mistake.

The Crooks went to the break with a lead, but knew that the game was still competitive. Malacarne seemed particularly dissatisfied with the first half result. “It’s freaking rec league, coed soccer,” he was heard bellowing, “who the hell cares SOOOOO much that they have to go out and move the goal six inches to the left!” Malacarne was so flustered that the team was forced to bench him for the majority of the second half.

The second period was characterized by the Crooks winning a war of attrition and skill. Soon after the restart, Timo Hoefs did what his brother was unable to and fired home from range to give the red team a more comfortable lead. Then Jon Carpenter got on the end of a movement involving Malacarne and the less good Hoefs to score a goal that appeared to be a product of an actual soccer team. The excellence on display so delighted unofficial coach Tony Pappas that he rushed onto the field yelling about a funny feeling in his shorts. Crooks scattered, but upon his return to the sideline he was offered a place by the FC K Street management for their next game. He quickly accepted and later scored.

Logan Kendall capped the scoring with a marvelous chip over the onrushing Blue Jays goalie.

While the goal scorers were the recipients of the glory, accolades and fawning postgame “affections” of the legions of hot fangirls who line Capitol Hill Field every Sunday (except Malacarne who quickly rushed home to see his girlfriend), the victory was truly a team effort. While not obvious to the casual observer even Ben Hoefs, while unable to score, contributed by providing an assist and thirteen extra players, a team best. Notable among them was Marko Loukas. Loukas was not only solid in defense, he also provided insurance that, due to a previous vendetta, should Crooks captain-in-exile Mustafa Dimbiloglu unexpectedly show up for the game, he would be beaten to death before he could take the field and imperil the team’s chance at a perfect season.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Seven Against Mutts: Crooks Defend Top of Table

Dark clouds rolled in over Capitol Hill Sunday, seemingly foreshadowing the end of the Crooks’ surprise undefeated season. Abandoned by their captain and the majority of his handpicked minions, the Crooks were only able to field a full team due to the last minute arrivals of Mike Huling and Logan Kendall. As the lone seven stood looking across the field at the countless multitudes of Blue Mutts, they could have been forgiven if they had fallen to the ground and curled up in the fetal position. But wait! They did not! Well, Logan kind of did, but it turned out that he was just trying frantically to tie his shoes before the opening whistle.

The game began no more promisingly for the Crooks the signs portended. The Mutts surged forward with a rabid hunger for goal and pushed our heroes back into their box. Right when the Crooks appeared to be ready to go under, the attack of Mutts broke against immovable rock of the Snyder-Hulling-Breznay-Snyder defense. Soon the Crooks were counterattacking and Kendall with accompanying forwards Tony Pappas and Tim Malacarne were testing the Mutts defense for a change.

Despite a number of clear chances, the Crooks were unable to score in the first half. Each time a player lined up a shot, the ball would inevitably hit a bump in the field and carom wildly in an unexpected direction. This led to a halftime discussion as to whether or not Capitol Hill’s field was actually worse than Petworth’s. Pappas claimed it was, while T. Snyder defended it, citing its distinct lack of broken glass and discarded batteries.

The second half started off much like the first, with Malacarne missing a lunging tap in at the far post. The team soon looked to be in a perilous position, as while they seemed to possess an advantage in skill, the forwards were noticeably tiring from their endless running. With ten minutes to go, however, Pappas recovered possession and slipped a pass to Malacarne at the penalty spot. His shot was deflected by the onrushing Mutts goalie, but in the mad scrum to clear the ball he managed to hook it past a defender and into the goal.

The razor thin lead made for a harrowing last 10 minutes, as the Mutts threw everything they had into the attack in an attempt to level the score. Their best chance came with just moments remaining when a shot flashed toward the far post. Time slowed down as the ball continued its inevitable march toward the net. At the last possible instant, though, it met the fingertips of a diving Tim Snyder who tipped it just past the post.

As the final seconds ticked away, Snyder would continue to exhibit what nearly everyone present would call exemplary sportsmanship as he ran after every Mutts’ shot in order return the ball to play as quickly as possible even though his team had the lead and at least half of it looked ready to collapse. “Tim’s such a good sport,” Pappas was quoted as saying between gasps for air, “that I want to punch him in the face.”

When asked where the team was able to summon such bravery and resolve to triumph over vastly superior numbers, Huling cited the example of the famous 300 Spartans at the Battle of Thermoplyae. “King Leonidas led his men against even greater odds,” he said, “and while technically our King Leonidas didn’t even show up today, we all have really great abs, so, umm, that helped.”

Alexis Horn followed up on this point by remarking, “Mmmmmm those Spartan abs…”

Still, not all was happy in Crooks land. An unidentified team member, speaking to ECdP with the understanding that he would be referred to only as “Tim,” openly questioned the transfer policy of captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. “I just don’t know,” he was quoted as saying from a shadowy corner with his face obscured, “if it was a good idea to cut a bunch of reliable, enthusiastic players when you yourself are only going to come to games where you can just cherrypick in hopes of scoring a goal in front of your mom.”

Joanne Breznay defended her captain. “I know a lot of people are down on Mustafa for apparently totally abandoning the team, but it isn’t as simple as it looks. The original 300 Spartans were wiped out when someone betrayed them. Mustafa may not have come today, thus leaving us huffing and puffing and desperately hanging on, but at least he didn’t show up this week then betray us,” she opined. “He hasn’t done that since he took all the Google ad revenue from the blog to Grande-size his Taco Bell order.”

While controversy lingers as it may, the Crooks remain undefeated, and our seven courageous heroes will return next week to do battle once more. Well, all except Tim and Alexis. The overwhelmingly homoerotic subtext of the Sparta metaphor got to be too much for them and they’ve decided to sit the next one out.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Play Fantasy Soccer with El Campo de Petworth

Check out the statistics posted on TeamSnap. Bear witness to the sheer numerical prowess that giant calves can get you.

We're having trouble keeping track of legitimate stats such as fouls and (last week) assists. So I'm looking for suggestions for less relevant but easier to keep track of stats. Propose some good ones on the Message Board.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008


Crooks Roll On in Front of Families, Turks

The K Street Crooks defeated a much older series of opponents this week, something like 6-1. Jumping to a quick 3-0 lead, the Crooks pushed perennial defenders Alexis Horn and Mustafa Dimbiloglu forward. "Their parents were there this game and we really wanted to let them score one to make their mommas proud," said former forward Mark Corcoran. "That and I was terribly terribly hungover. Damn Cinco de Mayo/Kentucky Derby parties...OOOH, a helicopter!" The two promotees failed to score despite a number of chance, although Dimbiloglu did tally an assist. "I pride myself on being a team player but that wasn't a pass," the captain said of his assist, "that fu$%er [forward Tim Malacarne] took the goal from me. I'll cut him, I swear to God." Dimbiloglu then announced that he will be sitting out of the next two matches in protest.

The Crooks played in front of a standing-room-only crowd at the Capitol Hill Pitch. A contingent from the Turkish Embassy was in attendence, apparently scouting for talent. "We didn't see any must-sign's here today. Ekrem let us down," said the Turkish scout said through a translator, "and he let Ataturk down too." Dimbiloglu was seen after the game forfeiting his passport to the Turkish officials. Among the fans was also defender Alexis Horn's mom, the aptly named Mrs. Horn. She was a ball of nerves that exploded into a guttural "OH YEAAAAAH" when Alexis took out a defender in the 20th minute. "BRING ON THE PAAAAIN," she was heard screaming.

Joining the team for the first (and decidedly the last) time was Charlotte Gordon. Playing stellar defense in a tough match, Gordon blocked two shots, one of which left an enduring mark of triumph on her inner right thigh. "I couldn't be more pleased," said boyfriend/forward Tim Malacarne, "it's like you've combined two of my favorite things in one place!" Malacarne's smile dimmed the next day, as he was informed the comment yielded him a $500 fine from the league for indecency and a 15 hour shopping spree/cuddle-a-thon/chick flick sentence from Gordon. "People ask, 'was it worth it?' And I say, was it worth it for Leo to throw that red headed chick into the iceberg to save the ship? I think so...."

The team looks to remain undefeated this weekend versus some team at some time on a schedule that I don't have open right now.