On Wednesday, May 28, the K Street Crooks held a press conference to discuss the current state of the team. The team's representative spoke on the condition of anonymity, not wanting to be named while discussing rec-league soccer with more seriousness than it warrants.
Team Rep: Thank you all for coming. Before we begin, a few notes: The K Street Crooks have remained the first place team in the District Sports Capitol Hill league, despite not playing this week. The team wanted to acknowledge the support of those who have stayed with them through their losing seasons. They asked that I take the time to name these supporters individually, but my staff has run into some considerable difficulty trying to identify these fans. We are working on it, I can assure you that, and when we do have that list I will pass it along to you. In other news, Team Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu rejoins the team this week after a three-week absence as will the defensive tandem of Amy Aubin and Justin Sargent. The team will be playing without forward Tim Malacarne this week, who will be out for non-medical reasons. I think that's about it, let's get to questions. Um... Joe.
Joe Baker (SoccerNetDaily): [Team Rep], you mentioned that Dimbiloglu returns this week. Any idea where he was?
Team Rep: Um, not specifically, Joe. He said that he went to the Rocky Mountains to fight bears.
Baker: Fight bears? What is his status for this week's game, then? Is he ok to go?
Team Rep: He reported to walkthroughs today slightly overweight and that raised some concern, but he should be fine now that he has to pay for his food. We understand that his meals throughout the trip were paid for by an outside entity, a liberty of which he took great advantage.
Let me take a minute to address rumors that Dimbiloglu has had no form of athletic activity since leaving the team. He did mention this in an internal email leaked on Tuesday evening. We can confirm that he did climb a set of stairs on May 22 when the escalator he was on stopped running. We have some pictures that my office will send out to you immediately after this.
Steve Jones (Forbes): Can you update us on the latest developments in the scandal with the table?
Team Rep: Sure, Steve. As you know El Campo reported this week that the score for the last test was incorrectly reported and our opponent was awarded an imaginary goal. [Forward] Ben [Hoefs] contacted the league, but we have reason to believe he was just screaming at them in German. As a result, I don't believe he has heard back. We're now looking at other avenues to resolve this, up to and including sending Tony [Pappas, Player/Coach] over there with flaming bags of poo. We believe he has already consumed four cans of Hormel Chili and is working on a fifth for us.
OK, how about Jane.
Jane Wallace (ESPN The Ocho): How about Ben Hoefs? We heard that he was a bit banged up after the last test, something about an ego contusion? Can you comment on this?
Team Rep: Ben's fine. His brother showed him up bad that last game and that takes a lot for a man of his fortitude to overcome. Especially as it is his younger brother. But, I was at the team's scrimmage on Sunday and his brother showed him up again, this time Ben handled it much better. We expect him to be 100% by Sunday, or at least 79% if Timo shows up.
Bob Johnson (Radio Free Europe): [Team Rep], we've heard reports that [Goalkeeper Tim] Snyder played out of the net during the last scrimmage, any truth to the rumors that he'll be starting in place of Malacarne this weekend?
Team Rep: Let me be clear. Snyder played well in practice. He beat Malacarne on one play, kicked two or three shots right where we like them - 50 feet over the net - and even managed to cleat the banished Amber Lovell in the shin. That said, no chance in hell. His skills and his conditioning just weren't there and we're not convinced he can grow a faux-hawk in time. He's more valuable to us standing in the way-too-big penalty area spraying goal kicks 90 feet in the air or off [Defender Mike] Huling's head.
Johnson: Quick follow up - Any truth to the rumors that Malacarne is away this week to discuss a possible transfer?
Team Rep: We haven't heard that. He said he had to go home and help his parents clean the refrigerator in case they need to hide in it to survive a nuclear blast. We have no reason not to believe that story. Dan?
Dan Posey (Wilson Quarterly): The team is in first place for the first time not due to basic alphabetizing, how are the Crooks handling all the pressure?
Team Rep: I'll be honest, both good and bad. [Defender/Offender] Joanne [Breznay] has asked for more protection from our internal security to keep the paparazzi at bay, Al- what?
Posey: Your security - that's the crazy Barra Brava dude with the drum right?
Team Rep: You'll have to be more specific, but it's one of them. Um... wait, what?
Posey: Sorry, any truth to the rumors that she is being stalked by a teammate?
Team Rep: Lots of rumors that Joanne may be being stalked by Alexis [Horn, defender] who has been known to dabble in such activities. I think if you dug a little deeper and looked at the Hanson Tour schedule, you'd realize that's mathmatically impossible.
But yeah, back to the point, other than that one instance, life on K Street is much the same as it was when the team was 0-7-1. Last one: Lisa?
Lisa Simpson (Springfield Inquirier): [Team Rep], we heard that Captain Dimbiloglu has been disciplined for an unspecified breach of team rules, can you elaborate?
Team Rep: Sure, Lisa, but briefly - we like to deal with these matters internally. Dimbiloglu passed an edict before the start of the season that all team business should be transacted through the team management website, known as TeamSnap. If you'll recall, Justin Sargent and Mark Corcoran have both been suspended and fined for failing to respond to Dimbiloglu's requests for information through TeamSnap in a timely fashion earlier this season. Yesterday, he emailed the team outside of the system to set up a practice which Hoefs had already called for on TeamSnap. It was an embarrassment for the entire organization. We had to do something, it's important that we enforce the rules the same way whether we're winning or losing. So we handled it.
Simpson: What was his punishment?
Team Rep: The Kangaroo Court ruled that if the team wins despite his transgression Sunday, he has to buy the entire team ice cream. That seemed fairest for us.
OK, thanks guys. That's all for today. We'll meet again next week. Go Crooks.