Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Dimbiloglu: Wrong for K Street, Wrong for You

Is M.Ekrem Dimbiloglu truly the captain of the future for the K Street Crooks?

It was Tim Snyder whose quick email prevented Dimbiloglu from forcing the Crooks out on Sunday afternoon as well.

It was Tim Snyder who convinced the captain that the team was more important than business school.

It was Tim Snyder who first warned that Dimbiloglu, a senior compliance auditor, could not be trusted with the lucrative ad money.

Tim Snyder has only been to Taco Bell twice in his life and prefers a lunch of windsprints and pushups.

Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu: Wrong for K Street, Wrong for You

I'm Tim Snyder and I approve this message.
Paid for by Friends of Tim Snyder for 2008 captain and not embezzled Google Ad revenue.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Scared Pappas Misses Game

(WASHINGTON, DC) - The K Street Crooks attacking midfielder Tony Pappas announced Thursday that he would be unavailable for the team’s weekend showdown against Arko+6. Team sources indicated that he would have loved to have played, but unfortunately was “really, really scared.”

As late as Wednesday world, Pappas insisted he would be available for the Saturday clash, but soon after changed his mind. By Thursday, he had decided not only to miss the game, but to skip town as well, satisfying himself only when he found a ride to Richmond. It is widely believed that this change of heart was related to a seemingly innocuous October 18th organizational email sent by Crooks forward Tim Malacarne.

Intended only as a light-hearted reminder of the game time, Malacarne’s e-mail noted the Crooks previous session 0-3 loss to Arco+6 and compared the team’s hulking Eastern Europen captain Arko to Rocky IV villain Ivan Drago. The association was more powerful than its author imagined however, and soon after Pappas pulled out of the game. “I was just trying to be funny,” Malacarne said. “I figured that since we lost the first match, we could use a little “Eye of the Tiger” Rocky-like desire to pull an upset this time around. Apparently, I was wrong.”

Contacted by El Campo de Petworth, Pappas stated that he had signed up for the District Sports league to “have some fun and get in shape.” He continued on to say that reasons he had not signed up were to “die, get killed, get pummeled to death then die...” He shared that he felt there would be a real possibility of any or all of those happening if he were to play against Arko (pictured left), who he seemed to believe was the actual Ivan Drago. “Come on,” he whimpered, “that guy killed Apollo Creed. Apollo Motherf*ing Creed! Just think what he’d do to me!”

Katelyn McClure is likely to start in place of Pappas. The 5’5”, 110 pound midfielder said that while she “understood [Pappas]’s concerns,” she thought that it would be better for everyone if he “would quit being such a gigantic pussy.”

Friday, October 19, 2007

K Street Seeks Turkish National Team Coach

(1850 K Street) - Speculation has been rampant on K Street that long time captain, Mustafa Dimbiloglu may be let go for a more experienced coach. Dimbiloglu is often credited with turning the struggling Crooks around from a dismal first year showing of 0-7-1 to the recent 4-4 record of last season. This has not seemed to quell the recent rumors swirling in the Golden Triangle.

The current Turkish National Team and former AC Milan coach, Faith Terim is speculated as the successor to Dimbiloglu's reign. El Campo de Petworth recently acquired video of the Turkish National Team coach at a press conference in Istanbul addressing the media in English. It is critical to the Crooks that the next coach be competent in English, as all but two players speak Terim's native tongue, Turkish.

After watching the video please vote in the corresponding poll regarding the clarity of Terim's English and if you believe he could lead the Crooks better than Dimbiloglu.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Starting Goalie Questionable for Saturday's Test

Snyder (concussion) is questionable for K Street's game on Saturday after this horrendous accident in practice.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Crooks Win, Forget to Blog: A Campo de Petworth Investigative Report

(WASHINGTON, DC) - Despite unparalleled success on the pitch last session (culminating in a staggering 4-4 record) District Sports’ soccer super team the K Street Crooks made its members less available than ever to the media. Worried that loyal Crooks fans were being cut off from their beloved team, ECdP launched a full-scale investigation.

ECdP staff first investigated rumors that captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu had perished in a tragic plane crash in rural Nevada while investigating possible locations for a new pitch. Thankfully, these rumors turned out to be entirely unfounded, apparently having confused Dimbiloglu with 63 year old American aviator, sailor, and adventurer Steve Fossett.

When tracked down, Dimbiloglu instead characterized his absence as a consequence of the team’s success. “It was easy to keep the stories flowing when we were losing,” he said. “I mean, come on, it wasn’t like I was going to go out and celebrate much.” Now, he said, things are much different, “It’s almost annoying. Every time I step out of my apartment I’m mobbed by swarms of beautiful women wanting me to sign autographs, give them a kiss, father their children. I enjoy blogging, but I’m a nice guy. You can’t do anything for yourself until everyone else is satisfied.”

Goalie Tim Snyder reported similar problems: “Yeah I can see that. Every time I went out I had to stop and sign at least three chicks’ cleavage. Every time I turned on my computer my email inbox was full of propositions and naked pictures. I’d love to blog again, but with all that attention, [girlfriend and Crooks defender] Alexis won’’t let me out of our bathroom. You’re actually the first person I’ve spoken to in almost two weeks. I’m so lonely. And I’m starting to lose all pigmentat... Quick get out of here! She’ll be back soon! It’s almost time for cooking class.”

Some members of the team provided different reasons for the media blackout. “Well,” said forward Tim Malacarne, “even since Mustafa died in that plane crash, it’s been hard. I just can’t muster that same joy I used to have.” When informed that he, too, was confusing Dimbiloglu with Steve Fossett, Malacarne expressed surprise and relief. He then asked if the captain was in fact still alive, why the heck did the team go to all the trouble to find a replacement Turk and call him by the same name? ECdP was unable to answer this question and Malacarne brusquely ended the interview.

While none of Crooks could provide concrete promises that they would be more available to the press, it is believed that their Fall Session opening 1-3 loss to former bottom-dweller Sarah McElhinney's Fantastic Team will provide them with more time to pursue journalistic pursuits.

Crooks Caught on Tape!

(WASHINGTON, DC) - A video of the Crooks in action has surfaced on the popular internet video site YouTube. Shot on a hand-held camera from the side-line, the video was posted by a mysterious entity calling itself SlingshotVideo.

A portion of the video showing looped footage of team captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu putting on his shirt has been cross-posted on the adult-themed site YouPorn.

Monday, October 1, 2007


Thanks for a great season. I had a lot of fun.
Be on the look out for an end of the season party invitation coming soon to mailboxes near you.

Until then, be pink - be proud!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Last game of 2nd season ...

... is coming up on Saturday at 5pm. We have our worthy captain back from a tedious overseas training and recruiting mission where he learned to juggle the ball more than once. He's now working on completing juggle number 3.
We need a win here for an even .500 end of season winning-percentage. I don't want to end the season with a 37.5% winning-percentage (that's 3 out of 8 wins for all you accountants).
Everybody remember to eat carbs at 1 or 2pm Saturday.

Strength and honor!

- B

Monday, September 17, 2007

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Week #5 Pics

K Street Crooks VS. Sarah McElhinney's Fantastic Team

Crooks 3 - Fantastic 0

Monday, September 10, 2007


I was going to write a really long funny thing about the game this week, but I decided to mix it up. I figure this week we'll nominate a few plays of the match and then have Mustafa form them into a poll so we can vote. Winning play gets a Clif Bar.

Check the comments to see the nominees and I'll see you next week.

Friday, September 7, 2007

How They Spent Their Summer Vacation

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Numerous curious readers have written in to El Campo de Petworth recently, asking how their on pitch heroes passed the three weekends of inaction that they themselves found so painful. Given this blog’s steadfast commitment to giving its readers what they need, ECdP decided to find out what went on in the lives of these crack athletes. After a series of extensive interviews, we found that they occupied their time as follows:

Mustafa – Strutted around in Turkish nationalist spandex.

Tim Snyder – Blocked traffic, checkout lanes, crosswalks, hallways, etc.

Alexis - Checked 16 Hanson concert venues, 2 Hanson brothers off of life list.

Logan – Created numerous spreadsheets of impressive length.

Jon – Made mixed martial arts debut. Outpointed by Vitor "Shaolin" Ribeiro.

Ben – Attended Baywatch Fantasy Life Guarding Camp in puzzlingly-landlocked Berlin, Germany. Traded “e” in last name for an apostrophe.

Mark – 26 day bender. Shower.

Dorothy – Thought up excuses for not coming to games during September.

Justin – Cooked, cleaned, waxed floors, gave massages, dusted, washed clothes, moved furniture, talked to friendly mice.

Amy – Fanned herself, asked Justin to find her missing shoe.

Joanne – Sex.

Mike – Unknown, but done with 110% hustle.

Eric – Play with the ol’bocce balls a little bit.

Tim Malacarne – Practiced. Made fun of Mustafa. Practiced making fun of Mustafa.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

K Street Abuzz with Anticipation

After long furlough, (most of) the Crooks are ready for Saturday

WASHINGTON, DC - The Crooks of K Street face SarahMcElhinney'sFantasticTeam this Saturday at 4:00PM on the Petworth Pitch. After several weeks off, the Winners in Watermelon are anxious to get back to their beloved, potholed patch of grass.

Ranked 9th, K Street is looking for redemption against the 13th ranked SarahMcElhinney'sFantasticTeam. That is, everyone except for backup goalkeeper/bocce superhero Eric Cederbaum. Cederbaum, who will be missing the game to attend a bocce championship "needs to reevaluate his priorities," according to team captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. "Soccer is the real sport while bocce is for 4 year olds... or Italian's in their 80's."

"His absence will be a challenge for the team," said now-starting netminder Tim Snyder. "I'm excited for the opportunity to save some balls, my job and goal kick any memory of that bocce-star cum goalie out of everybody's heads," he continued, smacking the posts of the life-sized goal set up over the bed in his Arlington apartment while thumping his chest, "This is MY house. I MUST PROTECT THIS HOUUUSE!"

The team will also be without the services of defender Alexis Horn, who has been all-but-absent from every game this season. El Campo asked Horn, who will be scouring the woods of New Hampshire, about her absence. "Mustafa [Dimbiloglu, team captain] mentioned that too. I've been here for the past three weeks, helloooooo! It's just annoying." Horn continued, stating the fact that the past three weeks were cancelled were "not my fault! Wait, that wasn't meant to be a quote. Oh whatever!" When reached for a reply, Dimbiloglu said "Reeeeer!" accompanied with a clawing gesture.

Overall, the team is optimistic that it can overcome the spotty commitments of their non-essential members. "Nederman-like absenteeism has become endemic on this team. It's really sad. You start with one bad apple and soon the rot spreads," said forward Tim Malacarne, referring to reserve bench 'player' Dorothy Nederman, who will also not be present at this Saturday's game. When asked to comment on her absence, Dimbiloglu inqired, "Wait, who?"

#9 K Street Crooks (9 pts back, 5GF, 8 GA) meet #13 SarahMcElhinney'sFantasticTeam (12pts back, 3GF, 13 GA) Saturday at 4:00 PM at Petworth.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Split Squad Weekend Ends with Wins, Losses

(Arlington, VA) The Crooks took on the Crooks in two match-ups on Saturday and Monday this week, winning two and losing two.

In a split-squad soccer scrimmage versus each other and Kairos, the Crooks were victorious over the Crooks 2-1. The game ended with the exchange of a case of beer to the winning team and sparked a goalkeeper controversy on K Street. Eric Cederbaum, a late addition to the squad, stood between the pipes for the winning side, defying the laws of physics and self-preservation to stop a prolific assault throughout the game by K Street. Mustafa Dimbiloglu, captain of the losing side, lead the team in shots on goal and said after the game, "Snyder's suspension the past few games forced me to consider other options. He has been replaced by Cederbaum in the games he missed and was bested by him today. Practice this week sure will be interesting." Snyder was unavailable for comment
after the game, but was seen clutching what appeared to be a bottle in a paper bag on his dejected walk home.

The second battle in what's been termed "The War of the Melons" took place on Monday night at Ireland's Four Courts Pub Quiz Night. The Crooks, again carried by a stellar performance by Cederbaum and nice work from Tim Malacarne, boy genius, handily defeated their opponents. The losing Crooks, with lackluster contributions from Alexis Horn and Tim Snyder, didn't even stay to hear the final scores read or to congratulate their opponents on their third place finish. "Screw them," a normally reserved Horn said afterwards, "I can't believe we sucked as bad as we did in there. The only positive is what cheating Mustafa [Dimbiloglu] did do probably resulted in embarrassingly wrong answers anyway."

Snyder made himself available to El Campo after Monday's defeat. Wearing a melon colored shirt emblazoned with block letters declaring "I'M ERIC'S BITCH", the normally quite pleasant Snyder was peeved. "I lost a ton of ground this weekend, not just in soccer but in life. I hope that the team looks at all of my contributions in the past, and not what I've done while limited by a foot injury." When asked how the right foot he bruised in a mountain biking accident affected his quiz performance or lack there of, Snyder replied, "anyone can think with their mind. I think with my whole body. Unfortunately, right foot is where I store all my This Day in History data, and I just couldn't retrieve it tonight." Here's hoping Snyder, slated to return in two weeks, still has a spot to return to, not just in soccer, but in life.

Monday, August 13, 2007

The Watermelon Revolution?

Winds of change might soon mute stench of failure on K Street

(WASHINGTON, DC) For the first time on record, a soccer club is holding a referendum. Today on their team blog, El Campo de Petworth, the K Street Crooks have posted a formal "no confidence" poll which will decide the fate of their captain, Mustafa Dimbiloglu.

Given the monumental nature of the vote, it is essential that all players make their voice heard, said vote organizers. Goalkeeper Timothy "El Fusiladoro" Snyder, who proposed the motion, said in a press conference today that "this should once and for all put the issue of Dimbiloglu's competence behind us so we can focus on what we do best, trying to win."

Dimbiloglu has had a few bright spots as captain. He allegedly secured a large watercooler for the team, a fact vehemently disputed by forward Tim Malacarne. "He had no part of it," said Malacarne of Dimbiloglu's involvment in the watercooler. "I came up with the cooler idea, brought the first version, found the new one on Craigslist, paid for half of it, and we fill it up from a hose whose use I negotiated."

The team has gone 1-10-1 since Dimbiloglu left the Turkish National Team to take the reigns on K Street. When reached for comment today, Dimbiloglu declared "I believe my records speaks for itself." Reminded of what that record was, Dimbiloglu retracted. "Shucks, well I will do my best to turn the team around and bring us back to .500."

Fans on K Street are not that confident. Many applaud this binding referendum in the hopes that it will herald in a new era under Assistant to the Captain Ben Hoefs. "Ben's a proven goal scorer. He always plays hard. He scores goals. Sometimes Ben wears leather, which the girls on K Street throughly enjoy," said Hoefs in a conference call today.

The succession, should it occur, is not that clear cut. Malacarne expressed doubt Monday that a switch from Dimbiloglu to Hoefs would produce any real change. "I have my doubts that Hoefs would really be fundamentally distinguishable from Dimbiloglu," he said in an exclusive interview with El Campo. "Except for being taller. And faster. And more likely to score when faced with an entirely open net. And in having a girlfriend. But yeah, in mediocre leadership ability, I just don't think I could tell them apart."

The future of the Dimbiloglu-K Street relationship is unclear and the entire franchise hangs in the balance. For some reason, teetering on the edge of catastrophe is a regular state for this club. Perhaps a change in leadership will provide more stability. The Crooks next game is in two weeks versus another team.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Pics of Week #4

** Picutres are courtesy of Crooks photographer and Benjamin Hoefs girlfriend Dorle. **

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Crooks Commit Caper

(WASHINGTON, DC) An ad hoc K Street Crooks strategy session ended on a positive note Tuesday, as the Crooks committee was able to avoid paying half of their bill. The meeting, held at Sam and Harry’s Steakhouse in downtown Washington, had previously led to few tactical breakthroughs likely to pay dividends for the team's upcoming clash with Arko +6.

“I don’t know what happened,” Crooks member Tim Malacarne was quoted as saying. “There I was thinking I was about to pay enough to register for another soccer season then the bill showed up and was for an amount we could have spent at TGI Fridays.”

Subsequent examinations original documents revealed that while they had been charged for their meal upgrades, the team members and mascot consultant and WAG-extraordinaire Charlotte Gordon were not actually charged for their meals. Thus, ignoring wine, the group paid approximately 100 dollars for three 16 oz. ribeye steaks, two filet mignons, five salads, potatoes au gratin, asparagus, and five desserts.

“I’d been hearing some people had been questioning our team name credentials,” said Crooks captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. “‘Yeah, you work on K Street, sure, but crooks?’ they’d say, ‘you guys play at a field where there are drug busts and you think you hard’. Well, I guess we showed them.”

Reports from those present at the restaurant indicate that Dimbiloglu did everything suspicious possible so that the restaurant might discover their mistake, including, but not limited to: suddenly shifting all conversations into whispers when the waiter approached, fidgeting wildly, and thanking the server for “doing that.”

Monday, August 6, 2007

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Joanne is 116.4 times stronger than fellow Crook

(Glover Park - DC) Three veteran players of the Crooks defensive line partied the 4-0 lose against It Burns When IP at the popular club Dr. Dreamo's in Arlington, VA. Captain Dimbiloglu, known for his late night outings in the District, especially in the eclectic neighborhood of Adams Morgan, ventured to the Commonwealth for entertainment. Joining him was Joanne Breznay, former (wo)man of the match, Eric Cederbaum, substitute goalie and superb defender, and Matthew Schultz an old associate of Dimbiloglu from his days in South Florida.

Drinking and billiards were on tap for the evening as well as jamming to a live band, which Dimbiloglu quickly danced in rhythm with. After many rounds of beer and billiards Matt challenged Mustafa to the Boxing Machine installed at Dreamos. Matt said he would pay $10 if Mustafa could reach a score of 600. Joanne followed suit and offered to donate the $1.00 needed to activate the machine. After ten minutes of watching other young drunk men score between 600 - 750 Mustafa agreed. With the pressure on and Cederbaum, Breznay, and Schultz watching, camera phones in hand, Mustafa readied himself humming the song "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor. Mustafa cocked his fist back and hit the bag at full power sending the machine into a frenzy with a top score of 648. The score sent shock waves through Dr. Dreamos especially hitting hard the wallet of Matt Schultz.

Testosterone had now reached palpable levels. Matt challenged Mustafa to a higher score and after hitting the bag at full power only reached a score of 589 leaving Mustafa’s tally untouched. Naturally it was now Cederbaum’s turn to step up and show his manly-strength, especially in the presence of Ms. Breznay. Cederbaum swung at the bag and was awarded a "5", yes you read right, F. I. V. E., activating the flashing "IMPOTENT" light on the machine. The incredibly low score of the former Bocce Ball Champion stunned the Crooks that were present. Joanne’s initial reaction was, "Wow I knew Eric wasn't that strong but a five, come on, my 4 year old niece Madison could at least get a ten." Joanne decided she too would take a go at it seeing that she couldn't do much worse than the Bocce Champ. After getting worked up Joanne hit the bag with gusto sending the meter to 582. Placing her in very close company to Matt but well above that of Cederbaum. After doing a bit of calculating on a ten key, it was determined that indeed Joanne is 116.4 times stronger than fellow Crook Eric Cederbaum.

Though fun was had by all those gathered the only true winner of the night was Dr. Dreamos which made $20.00 from the drunken festivities.

P.S. Eric was later able to redeem himself with a top score of 591.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Crooks Lose Heroically, Typically, With Water

PETWORTH - All the ice water in the world couldn't save K Street from the inevitable. The K Street Crooks dropped their first test of the fall campaign on Saturday 2-1 to the Chang Gang. Playing without the services of a third of the team, the Pinkos donned new, brighter jerseys and did their best. The team drank from the newly-purchased 20 gallon Gatorade cooler but even that wasn't enough.

After reaching half time at 0-0, the Crooks promptly started the second half in proud tradition. A series of shots inside the penalty area proved too much for Netminder Tim Snyder who was beat 5-hole for the first goal. "That first goal was unfortunate, but nothing we couldn't come back from."

With ten minutes left, and after a series of jokes regarding the topic, the Crooks let up another goal. A rocket shot from the penalty spot eased past Snyder's right and tickled the nylon. "My response to the second goal was different than the first," said defender and (wo)man of the match Joanne Breznay. "It was less, 'ah well' and more 'Mark fricking jinxed us'," she said, referring to offensive midfielder Mark Corcoran. "Yeah, I said 'Ten minutes left guys, no goals!'" he recalled, "maybe next time I should use reverse psychology."

The non-existent heat and non-existent subs were taking a toll on the Crooks towards the end of the match. After recruiting a random guy from the sidelines to sub, the Crooks scored their first goal off of a nice Malacarne header. "I get a lot of those, but what made this one important was I did it without the fashionable faux-hawk," he said in reference to his ridiculous "luck bringing" game-day hair style.

The (wo)man of the match goes to defender Joanne Breznay who stood on her head in the backfield this week and really turned in a brilliant performance. The booby prize goes to Mustafa Dimbiloglu, on whose watch as captain, the team has digressed from pink jerseys to a color that can only be described as a combination between the Hoff's shorts in Baywatch and the orange cone-wands they use to land aircraft.

TEAM NOTES: The next match-up is this weekend versus the also-winless-through-two-seasons FC Meridian. The team also received their newly designed team shirts at the game. "The shirts are a bit tight which is good. They show off my guns. Also bad, they show off my abs," said Captain Dimbiloglu, who immediately began doing crunches.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

While Paris Sleeps, League Posts Schedule

DISTRICT HQ: District Sports posted its schedule for the upcoming 7-0n-7 league recently. The release was met with nothing but loud snoring sounds from the Paris of Petworth, the fearless leader of the K Street Crooks.

Overall, the slate of games for our pink-clad warriors has very little overlap from last year. The rematch with Chang Gang in week 1 (last time 2-3) should offer a chance to prove the pink improvement. The schedule's highlight is in Week 2, when the Pride of Petworth faces FC Meridan for basement bragging rights. The season's low point will most certainly be the Week 3 matchup at 11:00 versus "who cares, it's at freaking 11:00. I am going to be so freaking hung over," said striker Mark Corcoran and defenders Amy Aubin and Justin Sargent in unison during a conference call on Monday night.

The toughest test will likely come in Week 4 as K Street takes on Arko +6. Arko finished in second place and scored 22 goals last season. It will be the second match of goalkeeper Tim Snyder's three game suspension for "conduct detrimental to the team." A source close to the team speaking on the condition of anonymity told El Campo de Petworth, "Man, what a week for that dumb Paris to learn a lesson. I'll be sitting on my couch watching whatever poor sap they stick in goal get pelted en vivo on Univision. He should put himself in there. Suspend me, will you...."

Absent from this season's campaign is a rematch with Kairos. For those new to the realm of pink power, the Kairos/Crooks matchup in Week 7 nearly resulted in a brawl after a less than balanced strike by a Kairoite was defended by Aubin. The play resulted in the attacker taking a wicked digger and cussing Aubin for tripping him. Not one to back down, Aubin told him where to stick it. That suggestion was quickly backed up by Sargent who provided more detailed directions. No blows were exchanged, but no friends were made. After being told there would be no chance to make good on her threats, Aubin was saddened. "I threw down the gauntlet. I offered to show them what was up. They declined in sheer cowardice, but they still have to walk those two block to the Metro," she finished, pantomiming a throat-slashing with her thumb.

This season will be a difficult one for our beloved Crooks. With heat expected to top eleventy billion degrees for most matches, forward Tim Malacarne is going to have some competition. "I always go out there knowing I am the hottest thing on the pitch. But when the pitch is hotter than I am... that's mindblowing. Demoralizing and mindblowing.... " he said, trailing off as a tear streamed down his cheek. Rumors on K Street are that Malacarne is looking into a large water bucket, but not for team hydration. "We believe he is trying to retain supremacy of hotness over the field by flooding it," said a District Sports official, who stated the league won't stop him. "Who the hell knows, maybe he'll grow a blade of grass with all that water. We could use some of those here." Here's hoping the Crooks can take the water of teamwork and the soil of tenacity to grow sow the grass of victory this season at Petworth.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Snyder Breaks Ranks; Attempts Serious Discussion

OK, I was hoping we could discuss some plans and strategies for the upcoming season. I know Paris is frothing at the mouth thinking of this idea, but the other Tim is upset that he won't have anything to Google Chat with me about at work anymore....

I'll throw out some ideas, and we'll see where it goes from there.

  1. FORMATION: We have really good attackers, but too often they are stranded. I think a more offensive minded scheme would be better. What about two/three forward, one middley/back and two full back. I dunno... just chucking that out there.
  2. GOAL KICKS: I know I suck at them, but the field is kind of difficult to kick on, especially considering you can only kick it on one half of the field. I think we should defend the crap out of the goal kicks early in the first half to get some quick opportunities. It'll take the other team a while to adjust (I hope) and we could get some good looks.
  3. HYDRATION: There has been lots of talk about this fantastic screw-top Gatorade cooler. Screw that. When I go mountain biking I use a fantastic American invention known as a CamelBak. We could use these and hydrate (stay with me now) while playing. I know, I know... these things are pretty expensive. There are other ways to stay hydrated while playing....
Anyway, I look forward to your input. Go Pink.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Crooks captain drops team, will play alone.

(WASHINGTON, DC) K Street Crooks captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu announced Wednesday via the District Sports website that he will be the illustrious team’s only member during the summer 2007 campaign. In a tersely worded player list (available here), Dimbiloglu excluded every player save himself from the roster.

Speculation had been rife in DC soccer circles that the Crooks would look to make changes after a 0-7-1 spring season, but few were ready for such dramatic action. The team had been reported to be on the verge of several new player signings, but in the end, opted to instead subtract nearly all the old ones. Dimbiloglu’s exact motives for the purge are unclear but it is widely speculated that it is somehow related to emerging philosophical differences him and top Crooks team members, possibly over the relative merits of backgammon.

In informal statements, the captain characterized the shift as a tactical one. He stated that he didn’t believe his talents were able to be fully utilized in a traditional, seven player lineup. “I’m really fast,” he said, “and that helps me when I play on the flanks. But I’m also great on the ball and gifted with superb vision, which makes me a natural central mid. My first touch and eye for goal are unparalleled, so I don’t see any better candidates for striker and don’t even get me started about my defensive tenacity. I just felt the other 6 players on the pitch would make me – and the team – worse.”

When contacted by El Campo de Petworth about the Dimbiloglu’s plan to play alone, former defender Justin Sargent responded, “I'm confused? Are we talking about his lady skills or what?”

Former netminder Tim Snyder took the news harder, declaring that the move is “indicative of [Dimiloglu's] entire philosophy regarding the team. Despite his abilities, it's a decidedly "me-first" attitude the severity of which I haven't seen since the hey-days of fascism." He also termed it “laugh-y.”

When told of his teammates response, the newly minted attacking-midleft flank back appeared incredulous. “What’s wrong with them?” he asked rhetorically, “It’s not like I didn’t arrange for them to buy awesome t-shirts that they can wear when they come to cheer me on.”

Despite his obvious confidence, only time will tell if Dimbiloglu’s gambit will pay off against deeper teams such as perennial powerhouses It Burns When IP (roster) and Fresh Tread (roster).

Monday, July 9, 2007

Crooks Explore Sponsorship Options

In regards to the entry below, defender Dorothy Nederman has issued the statement: “magic forests really ARE fun, I swear. No comment on the truthfulness of the other excuses (ok, I lie: all excuses I gave were valid, except for the threesome with Hanson. For that, I sincerely apologize).” That aside, she would like to shed light on the sponsorship possibilities that both Tim Malacarne and her have been exploring. Behind the scenes and when he is not practicing (yes, that means while he is at work), Tim has been working hard to capture a sponsorship with none other than Victoria’s Secret (“VS”). Being a girl, Dorothy would fully support (no pun intended) the deal, as discounts on undergarments are always welcomed. However, it was when discussions of uniform change (please refer to photo of such suggestion below) became an issue, that she decided to research sponsorship venues that may be of interest to all players.
While the deal with VS is still pending, (which, if it went through, think of the tan we would get while playing!) Dorothy has been exploring opportunities with Chippendales Dancers’ clothing (or lack-there-of) company (please see second photo below). She fully understands that these particular uniforms would cause extreme chaos for the opposing team, as well has jeers/laughs/cat calls from other people who may be spectators at our games. But then, if you think about it, it is just so crazy, these sponsorship deals may actually work to this pink team’s advantage. The opposing team would just stand there with their mouths gaping open in shock, preventing them to play. Then Krooks could easily just dribble the ball past them and score. The keeper, you know, would either avert his eyes, or be perfectly happy staring at the guy or girl coming towards him with the ball – leaving that keeper unable to move towards the ball that will be easily kicked past him into the goal. The referee would not know what to do with himself and would just have to watch, as no foul-play could be called, since the opposing team would be standing still, completely stunned. It would draw a completely new group of spectators to our games, and the profits to both our sponsors and our team could only sky-rocket.
In fact, if the deal were to go through, Dorothy and Tim have estimated higher sales for both companies, both from our team and spectators. They imagine that eventually the hype would wear off over time, but Tim and Dorothy estimate that to take at least a year, assuming the media would become involved with interest in our team. Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu and Co-captain Benjamin Hoefs have had no comment on the situation at hand. Usually when the subject is addressed with them, they cover their heads with their hands and shake their head in disbelief. It is not known if Tim has had any luck. Both deals are pending, as VS and Chippendales Dancers’ clothing company consider profits and possible lawsuits. If other team members have explored other sponsorship deals, we encourage you to leave a comment about your efforts.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Crooks Brave Heat, Score Goals

The K Street Crooks held practice today at their new facilities in Arlington, Virgina. The forty minute workout showcased the intensity of our pink-clad warriors, despite heat exceeding 35.5 degrees. Using their signature Estero pink soccer ball, the team cleanly worked through a series of drills, much to the delight of gathered onlookers.

Assistant to the Captain Ben Hoefs spoke after practice to reporters. "It was a good and productive workout. We scored a lot of goals, and developed some solid set pieces that will really be helpful next season." When asked about the heat, Hoefs said "I haven't been this hot since I pulled up to a bunch of babes on my motorcycle in Adams Morgan last night wearing my leather. Grrrowl." Sorry ladies, Ben immediately recanted his statement and began repeatedly mentioning that he had a girlfriend.

Featuring a real-to-size replica of the game field and goals, and a revolutionary stone-dust playing surface, the new facilities should really help the Crooks next season. Defender Alexis Horn commented how the field was right in the heart of the Commonwealth and convenient to all. "It's just a short walk to the Metro and right off of US 50, much better than Fort Reno [the Crooks' previous practice field]." After concluding her comments, she was overheard asking her boyfriend and stud netminder Tim Snyder "man, do we really have to walk all the way home now? Do you think there are cabs here?" After responding in the negative, she queried "well, can you fricking carry me? It's like a thousand degrees out here." Snyder kindly declined, stating he needed to rest his back so he would be ready to carry the entire team on it for yet another season.

The team does not have any future practice scheduled, but Snyder mentioned the team will likely keep these sessions open to the public. "Coming out here in 308 degree weather, Kelvin or not, is no picnic. But, when you have the throngs of screaming fans on the side, just happy to see you play, it makes things a lot cooler." Hoefs chimed in, "There are no fans here, man. That's me. I make things cooler."

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Starting Goalkeeper Suspended Three Games

Does latest move from K Street signal the start of a revolution?

(WASHINGTON and ARLINGTON, VA): Mustafa Dimbiloglu, captain of the K Street Crooks, announced late Friday that he has suspended his starting goalkeeper, Timothy "El Fusiladoro" Snyder, for three games next season. Citing "conduct detrimental to the team" in his announcement, the embattled leader of the pink team said he hoped Snyder would soon "wake up" and "smell the cappuccino".

This is another rough patch this offseason for the barely functioning Crooks. Snyder, the league leader in assists (off goal kicks), was previously suspended in 2001 and 2004 for steroid use and jaywalking respectively and will miss matches on August 4th, 11th, and 24th.

The pink netminder was reached for comment early Saturday morning doing situps in the driveway of his chateau in Courthouse. "This announcement stunned me. I am deeply saddened that I will be unable to aid our team to victory on these oddly non-consecutive dates. I don't really drink cappuccino either. Too much foam. But if the captain wants me to move from double espressos to some Turkish crap, I guess I have no choice. I'm a competitor, I need to compete." When asked how well he could compete in a non-competitive league, Snyder replied, "Next question."

The announcement came after Snyder left Dimbiloglu off of a series of emails setting up a practice session for this weekend in Arlington. Though Snyder publicly apologized, calling it a "gross yet honest oversight", Dimbiloglu felt compelled to act. This was only the latest slight in a series of stinging accusations and criticisms of his captaincy featured on blogs such as "El Campo de Petworth" and "No Golaza para Rosa", which follow the moves of the Crooks. The team was nearly demoted from the premiership last season after losing every game but one. Since then, Dimbiloglu has been seen drinking and dancing instead of watching game film and preparing strategy. Labeled the "Paris of Petworth", Dimbiloglu has brought negative attention to a team whose positive attitude was the only buoy they had throughout an otherwise demoralizing campaign.

Dimbiloglu concluded his remarks Friday by saying "It was a tough decision to make. No captain ever wants to have to do something like this. Hopefully, Tim will take this time off to realize what his place is on the team and come back with the attitude we need from him to tie more games." "Events like this really get a player to reconsider his options. Good thing for me that I have let some retardedly easy goals past me before, it will be tougher to tell when I am blowing the match," Snyder mused off-camera.

The Chain Gang, as the Crooks faithful are called, are praying this team can stave off disaster and coups until the end of this season.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Nederman Readies New Season of Excuses

(WASHINGTON, DC) Crooks team member Dorothy Nederman announced Friday that she has readied an entire new slate of excuses as to why she is unable to show up for games.

“I thought I needed to expand my horizons,” said Nederman during her morning press conference, “last season I managed to miss most of games, yes, but I felt like I was really leaning on some old standbys a little too much when I tried to explain myself. I mean come on, how many out of town birthday parties can one girl have?”

Citing her newly acquired official team membership, Nederman pledged to come up with more varied and compelling reasons why she would be unable to join her teammates on the pitch. “A wedding?” she asked rhetorically, “That might be ok for a de facto Crook, but now that I’m listed on the District Sports website I feel like I need to come up with something a little better. How about my reserve unit was called up? What about an alien abduction? Those are compelling reasons.”

In a pamphlet handed out to members of the press, Nederman cited “Tiger Mauling,” “Imprisonment,” and possibly most surprisingly “The Chance to Have a Threesome with Hanson.”* Computer renderings also showed the defender undergoing a heart-lung transplant and lost in a magic forest.

When asked about Nederman’s possible lack of commitment to the Crooks cause midfielder Logan Kendall summed up his feelings by saying, “Wait, that girl’s on our team? Did we ever come the same week.”

*No explanation was made as to which brother was to be excluded.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007


(Ballston - VA) After expressing interest to the Public and to the DC Zoning Commission to build a new soccer stadium at Petworth, only one sponsor came to light and offered two hundred fifty-seven dollars in finances to erect this 10th wonder of the world (the 7 natural wonders not including Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger). The future stadium would be named the “Biggest Loser” Stadium after the Hit TV show on VH1. However, even with the unrelenting help of DC’s largest private landowner, Prof. Dr. S.J. Trachtenberg, the Zoning Commission denied the plea to build this $257.00 stadium.

After hearing the sad news from the ZC, Co-captain and World renowned beef eater Ben has decided that a new style of play is needed to boost morale and compete with the best at Petworth Pitch. Ben has decided to start practicing the ancient art of Shaolin Soccer and to share his techniques with the Krooks.
Knowing that Master Goalie Tim S. thinks he does not need improvement, Ben had to trick Tim into learning the “Quick Hands” technique through the use of drugs and trickery.

But fast hands won’t win soccer matches; the Defense needs to be rock solid as well. Thus we come to our second technique, the “Iron Shirt”. Under this style of soccer, defenders absorb all kinds of blunt force attacks without considerable damage, as well as siphoning and shooting the ball with one’s abdomen.

As for the forwards, the steel leg kicking technique will be taught. With this style, attacking midfielders and power forwards form their legs in such a way that they become powerful enough to kick a refrigerator hurling to a tall platform or to send a soccer ball into orbit.

However, not to be outperformed by team Evil, Ben decided to teach one final trick to the Heading Master Forward Tim M: the "Iron Head" technique. This technique can only be learned after holding one’s breath for 25 hours during meditation within one day. The outcome is tremendous: the kung-fu style makes his head as tough as iron and as accurate as a blind man shooting an arrow.

Ben believes these techniques will be the turning point of the Krooks and is anciously awaiting next season for the performance upgrades. Ben would not take comments at the time.

The Messiah has Arrived.....

>(Rosslyn-VA) International soccer sensation and recent K-street Crooks acquisition, Eric Cederbaum, made his practice debut this past Sunday. However, fellow teammates quickly became concerned when it took him roughly 20 minutes to tie his shoes. When his soccer skills were finally put to the test, it appeared that Mr. Cederbaum will fit in nicely to the already assembled ragtag group of misfits. At the height of the drama, Eric and the "Paris of Petworth" went "toe-to-toe" in a Best of 19 shootout. After both players were unable to even put any shots on goal, the ball was gradually moved closer and closer to the goal. However, the drought continued, as this measure yielded no goals as well. Finally, on the 19th shot, from roughly 3 feet away, both players scored and the spectators were forced to settle for a 1-1 tie. Actually, the spectators were ecstatic that they no longer had to be subjected to such incompetence. But what can one expect from a couple of Compliance Auditors?

CAPTION: The Savior training with the African Youth National Soccer Team

When asked if he thought that his past soccer experience will lead the Crooks to a W this season (or at least a second tie), Eric responded "Well I have actually never played soccer before, but I have seen Air Bud: World Pup several hundred times." He then proceeded to thank Jesus Christ many times, whom he claimed gave him the strength to suck so much. Weird, considering Mr. Cederbaum is Jewish. But thank God for that ass.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Captain Oh Captain?

(Capitol Hill - DC) Controversial Turkish international and Crooks captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu was recently spotted partying after the team's crushing defeat in the league finale.

An anonymous source tipped El Campo de Petworth that Dimbiloglu, sometimes known as the Paris Hilton of Petsworth, spent much of the evening drinking and gyrating to pop beats at Grand Central, a Washington DC nightspot. The captain has long been criticized in the media for his party habits but one has to wonder if this time the fans and the locker room may decide he’s gone too far and demand a change.

One Crook, who asked to remain nameless do to concerns about his future place in the starting line up, stated that it was not necessarily the drinking that bothered him - after all drowning sorrows in alcohol is a time honored and manly sporting tradition - but the carefee attitude Dimbiloglu seemed to take. "I mean come on," the player said, "the guy just captained a team that got their ass kicked worse than normal. And for our team, normal is already pretty bad."

A second team member was less harsh in his criticisms, but remarked that if "Mustafa is going to sell out our team for pair of tits and two legs, he could at least find some that weren't twice the size of his.....the legs I mean, not the tits, those are ok, being being bigger than his I mean, I guess, you know what I'm trying to say." Later in the interview the same player made a possibly sincere offer to buy his leader a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt that he'd once seen on the internet.

Asked about the incident Mustafa showed little remorse, simply stating “I love to dance......”

Trouble on K Street perhaps?

Logo Search Begins...

(1850 K Street - DC) As many of you already know, the K Street Crooks logo is getting a make-over for the upcoming season.

Due to financial constraints, the Crooks design team has outsourced the logo-creation process to two locations in California, who have decided to work pro bono. The graphic design team in San Francisco contacted my home office in Glover Park regarding details of the design. Ms. Ai Korube, the main designer working on the case, asked that we collaborate as a team to brainstorm potential designs. Tim Malacarne and I agreed that the blog would serve as an excellent forum to exchange our personal visions.

In the comments section, please expand on your vision for the logo as much as possible. I hope to get back to Ms. Korube by the end of the weekend. She seems to be extremely receptive to any changes we wish to make.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Crooks win something!

(ROSSLYN, Va.) - Shaking off three months of disappointment, K Street Crooks members Mustafa Dimbiloglu, Eric Cederbaum and Tim Malacarne got their first taste of unified victory last night in Rosslyn, Virginia. Playing with a non-Crook (a random, semi-competent but fairly tall Asian guy), the team triumphed in a heart-pounding game of playground basketball. The Crooks called upon perseverance and clutch outside shooting to stage a come from behind win in the game to seven.

Cederbaum impressed in his debut, successfully translating the intensity that made him a bocce champion onto the basketball court. Over the course of the evening, he averaged 8.2 rebounds per game to lead all players. "I knew Eric was going to bring a winner's mentality to the Crooks," said team captain Dimbiloglu, "but even I was impressed how fast it happened. That was a veteran team we faced today and to step up like that and get the win was a big step for us." The Crooks will now hope that Cederbaum's aggressive play translates as easily to the soccer pitch as it did to the basketball court.

While much of the threesomes success was attributed to Cederbaum's example and strong play, other commentators traced the Crooks success to the fact they they were not wearing their dignity-sapping pink jerseys.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Crooks Caption Contest

(GLOVER PARK, DC) The 2007 Crooks Caption Contest has begun!

Your mission: Create the wittiest and most amusing caption for your favorite photo as a comment to this entry.

Posted here are the final four photographs* that made it through the rigorous selection process. Photos are numbered 1-4 from top to bottom. (Clarification for those who have experienced a few too many "headers": top photo = 1; next photo = 2; next next photo = 3; bottom photo = 4)

Grand Prize: Winner will receive a 4 day 5 night all expense paid trip to Hawaii for you and 10 of your closest friends!! Brought to you by Priceline.com (the number one site for travel!)**

Runner Up "Prize": Captain Dimbiloglu's unwashed "man-scented" jersey for a period of 24 consecutive hours.**

See Official Rules below pictures.

1. Derogatory statements will not be tolerated (you stupid bitch!) and are strictly prohibited. The K Street Crooks and their affiliates do not endorse profanity (unless absolutely necessary or, say, if one stubs one's fucking toe)

2. Entries must be limited to 75 words (yes we will count!) The K Street Crooks and their affiliates do not have the time nor patience to read through endless captions, expecially if they suck.

3. One entry per person per household per day.

4. Entries must be posted as a comment to be considered.

5. Entries must be postmarked by the close of business, Eastern Daylight Time (EDT) on Friday, July 13, 2007. No late submissions will be considered unless really awesome.

* The K Street Crooks and their affiliates, associates, subsidiaries, and silent partners are exclusively photographed by their offical photographer Rachel S. Papeika. All rights are reserved. Photographs, individual likenesses, and the name "K Street Crooks" cannot be reproduced or used without the express written consent of the K Street Crooks or Rachel S. Papeika.

** Prizes are subject to change without notice. Please forward all questions comments and concerns to William Shatner directly via kirk@priceline.com