Starting Goalkeeper Suspended Three Games

Does latest move from K Street signal the start of a revolution?

(WASHINGTON and ARLINGTON, VA): Mustafa Dimbiloglu, captain of the K Street Crooks, announced late Friday that he has suspended his starting goalkeeper, Timothy "El Fusiladoro" Snyder, for three games next season. Citing "conduct detrimental to the team" in his announcement, the embattled leader of the pink team said he hoped Snyder would soon "wake up" and "smell the cappuccino".

This is another rough patch this offseason for the barely functioning Crooks. Snyder, the league leader in assists (off goal kicks), was previously suspended in 2001 and 2004 for steroid use and jaywalking respectively and will miss matches on August 4th, 11th, and 24th.

The pink netminder was reached for comment early Saturday morning doing situps in the driveway of his chateau in Courthouse. "This announcement stunned me. I am deeply saddened that I will be unable to aid our team to victory on these oddly non-consecutive dates. I don't really drink cappuccino either. Too much foam. But if the captain wants me to move from double espressos to some Turkish crap, I guess I have no choice. I'm a competitor, I need to compete." When asked how well he could compete in a non-competitive league, Snyder replied, "Next question."

The announcement came after Snyder left Dimbiloglu off of a series of emails setting up a practice session for this weekend in Arlington. Though Snyder publicly apologized, calling it a "gross yet honest oversight", Dimbiloglu felt compelled to act. This was only the latest slight in a series of stinging accusations and criticisms of his captaincy featured on blogs such as "El Campo de Petworth" and "No Golaza para Rosa", which follow the moves of the Crooks. The team was nearly demoted from the premiership last season after losing every game but one. Since then, Dimbiloglu has been seen drinking and dancing instead of watching game film and preparing strategy. Labeled the "Paris of Petworth", Dimbiloglu has brought negative attention to a team whose positive attitude was the only buoy they had throughout an otherwise demoralizing campaign.

Dimbiloglu concluded his remarks Friday by saying "It was a tough decision to make. No captain ever wants to have to do something like this. Hopefully, Tim will take this time off to realize what his place is on the team and come back with the attitude we need from him to tie more games." "Events like this really get a player to reconsider his options. Good thing for me that I have let some retardedly easy goals past me before, it will be tougher to tell when I am blowing the match," Snyder mused off-camera.

The Chain Gang, as the Crooks faithful are called, are praying this team can stave off disaster and coups until the end of this season.