Nederman Readies New Season of Excuses

(WASHINGTON, DC) Crooks team member Dorothy Nederman announced Friday that she has readied an entire new slate of excuses as to why she is unable to show up for games.

“I thought I needed to expand my horizons,” said Nederman during her morning press conference, “last season I managed to miss most of games, yes, but I felt like I was really leaning on some old standbys a little too much when I tried to explain myself. I mean come on, how many out of town birthday parties can one girl have?”

Citing her newly acquired official team membership, Nederman pledged to come up with more varied and compelling reasons why she would be unable to join her teammates on the pitch. “A wedding?” she asked rhetorically, “That might be ok for a de facto Crook, but now that I’m listed on the District Sports website I feel like I need to come up with something a little better. How about my reserve unit was called up? What about an alien abduction? Those are compelling reasons.”

In a pamphlet handed out to members of the press, Nederman cited “Tiger Mauling,” “Imprisonment,” and possibly most surprisingly “The Chance to Have a Threesome with Hanson.”* Computer renderings also showed the defender undergoing a heart-lung transplant and lost in a magic forest.

When asked about Nederman’s possible lack of commitment to the Crooks cause midfielder Logan Kendall summed up his feelings by saying, “Wait, that girl’s on our team? Did we ever come the same week.”

*No explanation was made as to which brother was to be excluded.