BREAKING NEWS: COURTHOUSE PITCH CLOSED AS TWO CROOKS GO MISSING

Quicksand believed to have claimed whatever's left of the lives Lovell and Pappas

ARLINGTON – The K Street Crooks and the Arlington County Police Department closed the Rocky Run Training Facility at 2:15 this afternoon after defender Amber Lovell (right) and forward Tony Pappas (below) disappeared on the pitch before practice. A later investigation determined that the field had turned into quicksand and swallowed the two Crooks whole. They were pronounced dead on the scene.

K Street Keeper/Captain Tim Snyder spoke to the media at team headquarters later this evening to address the situation and the fans.

Snyder: First, the team sends its condolences to the families of Ms. Lovell and Mr. Pappas. This was a terrible tragedy and our pink and melon hearts go out to their kin. They were both great Crooks and their absence will be felt for some time to come.

I am willing to take questions from the media. However, as this happened only a few hours ago, please have patience as many of the details are not yet available. That said, let’s begin…. Jim?

Jim Harwood (Washington Examiner): Hi Tim, I was wondering if you could lay out the timeline of the events for us?

Snyder: Sure. Call time for practice was 2:00 PM. The team arrived at 2:04. At 2:07, Lovell and Pappas were the first to enter the pitch, which appeared a bit muddy. At 2:15, the remaining team members present went to enter the pitch but saw no signs of Lovell or Pappas. Then, the team contacted police and evacuated the area. We received word at 2:25 from authorities that Pappas and Lovell had expired and the cause of death appeared to be asphyxiation by quicksand. Don?

Donald Oliver (Washington Post): Tim, I heard some rumors that practice continued after the field was evacuated, can you confirm or deny this?

Snyder: Absolutely, Don. After it was determined that Pappas and Lovell had sunk, we decided that the field was no longer playable so we moved practice to another facility.

Oliver: Who made that decision, you?

Snyder: No, all three captains were present and we voted. [Defender Katie] Horgan was also there and we gave her a vote as well. It was a secret ballot, but I can say that we had to employ the services of a homeless man to settle the tie.

Oliver: How is that even legal?

Snyder: It was mostly a procedural vote so we didn't want to be too strict. He had the shirt on, we didn’t ask for ID. We just assumed we hadn’t seen [Utilityman Mike] Huling in a while, and we didn’t want to offend him. Next, uh… Gloria?

Gloria Holmes (Guns and Ammo): Thanks, Tim, and I’m sorry for your loss.

Snyder: Thank you.

Holmes: I was wondering why the delay from when the dead people stepped onto the pitch and sunk and when you realized what had happened to them.

Snyder: Yes, well. I guess there is no point in keeping this secret anymore. Pappas and Lovell, we believe, were romantically linked for some time. The prevailing assumption as the investigation into their disappearance began was that the two had run off into the nearby woods for some, let’s call it, pre-game stretching.

Holmes: So how did you realize that they had instead perished by way of quicksand?

Snyder: Well, the cries for help and screaming that we had previously ignored while suiting up, upon reflection appeared to be a bit more frantic than what we have come to expect from that situation based on past experience. Mike?

Michael Eubanks (Guitar Player): How did the team handle the events today? Are they ok?

Snyder: Yes. They’re doing as well as to be expected. Any time you have to deal with this kind of situation it is difficult. Ben [Hoefs, captain] is hurting and [captain Joanne] Breznay and Horgan are a bit shook up. I have some pain in my neck and back. It was tough for us to switch fields from the relatively flat field we are used to, to a field that resembled our old days at Petworth. It was full of potholes, pinecones and moose-sized dogs. I really hope we don’t have to go through that again but we are amateur professionals and this is our reality with which we have to deal, every day. You think you know, but you have no i--

Eubanks: [Interrupting] Tim, I mean how did they deal with the deaths of their teammates?

Snyder: I think you’re over-dramatizing this Mike. We’re a bit banged up, but I think we’re all going to survive. No one’s died from a twisted ankle. I mean there was that one time, but we all thought Corcoran was faking… and we admitted we were wrong there.

No more questions for today. Thanks, guys.

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 9: Amber Lovell

Next up in the interview series is defender Amber Lovell.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Amber. How are you?
Amber Lovell: Hey El Campo. I’m good, thanks.
EC: So as you know, El Campo is interviewing each of the Crooks about their New Year’s resolutions. What are your goals for the team for 2009?
AL: Well, I’ve been giving it some thought, and I really feel that there is a presence lacking on our team - a very hot and sexy presence.
EC: Really.
AL: Yes. Its a bit of a missing link if you will - a seriously hot and sexy missing link. And, well, in 2009 I have resolved to restore this hot and sexy link to the team; For the good of the team, for the success of the league, and for the pure visual enjoyment of the entire District. (pausing dramatically) I don’t know, maybe I’ve been spending too much time on www.Kickette.com, but I just feel our team isn’t quite up to snuff anymore since this… this raw, rugged man left us last year…
EC: Hold on, who exactly are you referring to?
AL: (dreamy-eyed) He’s fiery, he’s passionate… a certifiable stud…
EC: But who…?!
AL: Only the greatest captain this team has ever known! (smiles and winks)
EC: Waaaait, I hope I’m not being presumptuous here, but do you mean… Moose? You’re going to lure back Moose??
AL: Oh yes. Just you wait. I’m going to woo that devilishly handsome Turk back to DC this year. He won’t know what hit him. He’ll be begging to leave grad school before you know it. It’s gonna be wild.
EC: Okay.. so how do you propose to do this?
AL: I’m gonna pull out all the stops – cupcakes, lingerie, videos… the works. I’ve even started learning Turkish love songs during my breaks at school (AL launches into indiscernible Turkish singing)
EC: Wow… well, it seems we're out of time here... thank you for your time Miss. Lovell.
AL: (continues singing… now in a very high pitch. Dogs begin to bark outside)
EC: (yelling over the singing) It was a pleasure talking to you! Thanks again!

Stay tuned to find out about Katie Horgan’s new "skill"…

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 8: Alexis Horn

Continuing the resolution interview series, we sat down with clutch defender, Alexis Horn. For those unaware, Alexis is currently preparing for a 4-month international development trip to Nicaragua.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Alexis. How are you?
Alexis Horn: I’m good!
EC: Excited for Central America?
AH: Oh yes. I can’t wait!! I’ve been counting down for a year now!
EC: uh, didn’t you just find out you were going like 2 months ago?
AH: Yes.
EC: Right. So.. (pause) Ok. So, anyway, I know you have a big year ahead of you, but I was wondering how the Crooks might fit into it? Will you resume playing after you get back? Do you think the team will hold your spot?
AH: What do you mean? (completely confused) I don’t plan on quitting the team while I’m gone…
EC: Well obviously you won’t be able to play while you’re all the way in Nicaragua-
AH: Sure I can. Haven’t you heard of Tele-Footie?
EC: Tele-Footie? Sorry, no… definitely never heard of that… what is it?
AH: Really?? Wow, I can’t believe it! You’ve seriously never heard of it? I mean, like, everyone knows about Tele-Footie… They talk about it on E News all the time!
EC: Nope, sorry..
AH: Wow, ok. Well, (getting really excited) it’s this really cool teleportation program that was designed in I think England specifically for soccer players so that they can play matches all over the world. So you could be in DC playing a game right now and then just teleport over to I don’t know, China this afternoon and play in a match there! It’s wicked cool.
EC: ….what… wait, how… is it… what??
AH: You’ve seriously never heard of this?? It’s so easy! Like all the big players use it all the time, and they’ve finally made it available for regular people to use it. But only if they use it for travel between soccer games. Otherwise it wouldn’t work.
EC: (under my breath) ok, I’ll go with it… I don’t even know where to start.. (aloud) So, this is what you plan on doing while you’re in Nicaragua? They have the facilities to do this?
AH: Oh yes! All you need is a toaster. It’s really easy. Just hold the lever, say the country code out loud, and you’re there! I figure this way, I just have to clear the Crooks schedule with my supervisor down there and I’ll be here for every game!
EC: I just.. wow, I just had no idea this technology even existed. But I mean, if you say so…
AH: Yea, I’m not really sure about the details of it… Logan was the one that originally told me about it. He’s even used it before and said it’s super easy to use.
EC: You say Logan told you about it?
AH: Yep.
EC: ..interesting…. interesting…. Well. Thank you for coming in today Alexis. It sounds like maybe we’ll see you after all this upcoming season. Best of luck to you in your ‘travels.’
AH: Thanks!
EC: Oh by the way, have you made any New Year’s resolutions for 2009?
AH: Oh yes! I always make resolutions. This year I’m going to be a roadie for Gwen Stefani!!!
EC: haha, actually I meant for the tea-- nevermind. Yea, have fun with that! Thanks again!


Stay tuned for some words from defender Amber Lovell!

BREAKING NEWS: TEAM ISSUES WARNING ON NOOSHI SCALLION PANCAKES

At 3:00 PM on Sunday, the team released an emergency statement asking players and fans to not consume the scallion pancakes at Nooshi: Oodles, Noodles and Sushi on 19th NW between L and M streets.

"On Saturday afternoon, some team members attended what was supposed to be happy hour at the restaurant. It turned out to be "crazy hour" and things went from bad to worse. The half-price drinks, which were flowing with reckless abandon, appeared to have no effect on whatever was in the scallion pancakes. Three team members missed practice on Saturday as a result," said team surgeon general Ben Hoefs in a press conference Sunday.

Only two team members present, defender Alexis Horn and goalie Tim Snyder were not completely over taken by illness. "Frankly we were shocked by that," said Hoefs. "They had some sort of seaweed dealie that looked like it was for sure going to result in increased bowel activity. I guess our predictions were wrong."

Defender and tri-captain Joanne Breznay was the hardest hit. According to team sources, Breznay slept in a bathtub that she tried to fill with Pepto Bismol on Saturday night. When El Campo tried to reach her for comment, her roommate Amber Lovell said she was not available. "She left at about 7:00 this morning to head to Nooshi. She just kept murmuring 'pancakes.... pancakes' like some sort of masochistic zombie."

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 7: Mike Huling

Today we post the transcript from our interview with Crooks sweeper Mike Huling.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Mike, how are ya?
Mike Huling: I’m great! How are you today?
EC: Very well, thank you. It’s been a very busy day already! I’ve met with a number of your teammates already discussing their New Year’s resolutions, and wow… there have been some pretty crazy responses.
MH: haha, yea, I’m not surprised. Once you get to talking to any of them you’ll quickly find out more than you ever wanted to know.
EC: Tell me about it. This is why I was really looking forward to talking to you today. You seem like the most normal and put together one on the team. Am I right?
MH: Oh I don’t know about that, I guess it would depend on your definition of ‘normal’.
EC: Well, try me – What are your 2009 resolutions for the team?
MH: I’m going to single-handedly overthrow the triumvirate in a wild coup and take over the team as supreme ruling dictator.
EC: haha, good one. But seriously, what are your goals for the year?
MH: I am serious.
EC: Umm… no, haha, you’re just pulling my leg.. there’s no way…
MH: The Hoefs-Snyder-Breznay trio has run its course. Not one of them knows the first thing about leading a team.
EC: Well they seem to have done a pretty good job so far.. back-to-back championships in 2008.
MH: Pure dumb luck. This team deserves better. After the whole Dimbiloglu debacle, I didn’t think it could get worse, but now- well this just has to stop.
EC: And you think you’re the man for the job?
MH: Absolutely. I’m going to take this team to the top. I’ve got our game plan all mapped out already, starting with a special conditioning regimen.
EC: Could you elaborate on that some?
MH: Sure. It starts with a quick 10k warm-up sprint every morning promptly at 5am. That’s followed by a specially designed breakfast shake and a half-dozen raw eggs per person. Then we’ll move on to a 4-hour scripted cardio workout. At 10, we move on to weights. I want everyone on the team benching, at a minimum, four times their body weight. Another protein shake for lunch, followed by 3 hours of intense brainwa-- I mean meditation. Then we’ll throw a couple hours of drills and a 40k run in before dinner, and follow with evening tai chi exercises.
EC: Riiiight.. And this is going to be a daily routine for the Crooks if uh, you were to ‘take control’?
MH: You got it. It’s what they need. Hell, it’s what they want. The triumvirate is letting them down; not letting them reach their full potential.
EC: I see. This is very interesting Mike.
MH: This time next year you’ll be interviewing an entirely new team, I guarantee it. It’s going to be an amazing transformation, just you wait.
EC: Well, err, good luck to you Mike. And thank you for your time today.
MH: You’re welcome, El Campo. Have a wonderful day! GO PINK!

Up next: Alexis Horn announces how she plans to continue playing for the Crooks while abroad… stay tuned!

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 6: Amy Aubin

Next up in the interview series is rock solid defender, Amy Aubin. Unfortunately we were unable to lock Amy down for a face-to-face interview in DC and therefore had to settle for a phone conversation as she carried out an audit in Festus, Missouri.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Amy. How are things in Festus?
Amy Aubin: Pretty good, all things considered. (fumbling the phone) Sorry, I’m driving.
EC: No problem. Rough day of audits?
AA: No. I’m in Festus. And these goddamn people don’t know how to drive their tractors. Why are they driving tractors on the road anyway?? (loud horn-blowing) GOOOOOOOOOOO!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!! SERIOUSLY, YOU’RE GOING 7 MILES PER HOUR!!! 7!!!!!
EC: Is everything ok? We can reschedule the interview…
AA: No, no, I’m sorry, everything’s fine.. this guy is just going- oh my god, he’s now slowed to 6 MILES PER HOUR!!!! (shouting expletives) Sorry about that. He’s not speeding up. It looks like I have ‘plenty’ of time to do an interview, that’s all.
EC: That sounds awful. Well, anyway, we’ll continue then. So, as you know, El Campo is interviewing each of the Crooks to find out their 2009 Resolutions. Do you have any?
AA: Yea, I have a couple resolutions. Right now my goal is to get out this godforsaken hellhole and back to civilization BEFORE MY 80TH BIRTHDAY!
EC: ha ha… that would be nice.. But actually I was looking more for resolutions pertaining to the team.
AA: Right. You know, I hadn’t really thought about it. I suppose I could try to make it to a practice once in a while before my teammates start calling me ‘Dorothy’. But, nah, let’s be a little more practical… let’s see… I guess my goal for the year could be to take the title of ‘most hangover caps’. Yea – that sounds like it could work… is that what you were looking for?
EC: Well, not exactly—
AA: Cuz I could do it. Easy. I may have some competition from Tim when Alexis leaves... and from Ben around Oktoberfest season, but I really think I can take it this year. I can even- WHY ARE YOU STOPPING!!! NOO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! THERE’S NO STOP SIGN HERE, THERE’S NO TRAFFIC! WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF F***ING NOWHERE!!! WHY ARE YOU STOPPING!?!?!?!
EC: (switching phone to other ear) Amy? Everything alright?
AA: Sorry, I’m gonna have to let you go. I gotta go have a word with Farmer Bob here- YEA I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SH- (*click* phone is disconnected)

EC: (hanging up) I swear we have that exact same conversation every time we talk.


Check back soon for some fightin’ words from Mike Huling!

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 5: Stefan Georg

Continuing our New Year’s resolution series, today we offer up tabloid goldmine, striker Stefan Georg – currently on loan to Wellington Phoenix in New Zealand.

El Campo: Good afternoon Stefan! Or should I say ‘G’day’?
Stefan Georg: G’****in’day!!! Woooo!!!!!!! Par-tayyyy!!!!!
EC: Wow! I was going to ask how New Zealand is, but I think I can guess!
SG: Yea, it’s a ****in’ blast man, totally wild. I’m lovin’ every nano-second of it.
EC: That’s great. Now, before I get into the intended interview questions, there are some things I think we need to get out of the way first.. I’m sure you’re well aware of the media circus surrounding your many drunk and baked escapades down under and the myriad of, well, shall we say ‘distasteful’ photos that have surfaced?
SG: Yea, they’re pretty sweet, aren’t they? Good times, good times. Though you should see the ones that didn’t make it into the papers… wooo-eeeee!
EC: Stefan, are you saying you’re proud of these photos?
SG: Hell yea! What’s the big deal? Did you see the knockers on that chick? Man, I’d never seen anything like that in the US…
EC: The big deal is that you’re not seeing the bigger picture here. (becoming increasingly irate) There are children back home in DC that look up to you- they have your poster on their bedroom walls, they wear your trademark sweatband 24/7, they’ve even started an after-school clinic practicing your infamous ‘ass-pass’ for crying out loud!! What about them?! Tell me Stefan, what about the children?!?!
SG: Wow, well, gee, I had no idea… I guess I never thought of that…
EC: (furious) Well you should!! The next time you go gallivanting through a pub or lighting up at a rave, you’d better think twice! Think about your fans and what kind of impression you’re making on them. You are a role model! Behave like one!!
SG: I’m… I’m so sorry… I just had no idea… I… (putting his head down in his hands, begins to sob)

(a long pause, muffled sobs)

EC: So this brings me to what I came here to ask you. What are your New Year’s resolutions this year for the team – or (ahem) otherwise?
SG: (sniffling) well… I… I’ve got to change… I just don’t know how yet…
EC: It’s about making choices Stefan… making the right choices, all the time. You can do it.
SG: (looking up, eyes puffy and red) Thank you, El Campo.
EC: You’re welcome. And thank you for coming in today, it’s always a pleasure to talk to you.

(SG and EC exchange wayward glances)

(brief pause)

SG: So…. are we gonna get naked now?

(sound of rustling papers, chairs falling over, recorder clicks off)


Check back soon for a glimpse into life on the road for Amy Aubin.

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 4: Logan Kendall

Next up in our interview series is striker Logan Kendall.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Logan.
Logan Kendall: (in a thick British accent) Good day’ madam. I hope you don’t mind, I brought some tea – would you care for some?
EC: Oh, why, yes, thank you, that would be lovely. And can I say that is a remarkably good British accent you’ve got there.
LK: Of course it is. (wistfully) Haven’t I told you I was born and bred in the hills of Wilmingtonshire… my mum still lives there today- in fact, I just returned from holiday there this very morn.
EC: Really! I had no idea. But what about California?… I mean, I’ve always heard you speak in such a typical Californian accent, and--
LK: --Well my good lady, there seems to be many things you don’t know about 'Agent 225837'.
EC: I just can’t believe it. This is fascinating. Tell me, what else have you hidden from El Campo and your team – goodness! Your team! Do they know??
LK: Oh no no… For reasons I can only tell you very little about, I have not revealed my true identity to my teammates. Let’s just say, it is for their own safety, and the safety of their families. (pausing, pensively) Madam, I can only tell you that my real line of work involves some of the most confidential and mysterious organizations on Earth. My position and my role here on the K Street Crooks is one of utmost importance and one that must be kept in place at all costs.
EC: Are the Crooks in danger?
LK: They would be if I left – and I don’t just mean in goal differentials, mind you. There are forces at play here that are far beyond the understanding of this football club.
EC: What kind of forces? What exactly are you protecting them from?
LK: Forgive me madam, but I fear I have said too much already. I cannot speak further on this subject.
EC: I’m sorry. It’s just that this is such a startling revelation; our readers are going to be shocked to hear this you know. And by the way, you do realize the team is going to find out via the blog, aren’t you? Why are you telling me—
LK: I am aware of that possibility… however, we have it on excellent intelligence that the team does not actually read the blog anymore, and those that do simply skim the articles looking for their own names. I’m fairly confident much of this will never actually be read. And if it does, well, we have (ahem) ways of dealing with that. (looking at his watch) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must run. I’ve got to catch a flight to Prague – I mean “California” – in an hour.
EC: Oh, by all means! And thank you so much for your time and willingness to share.
LK: You’re most welcome.
EC: Oh! I almost forgot! One more quick question Logan... Do you have any New Years resolutions pertaining to the team?
LK: Of course I do – it’s the same every year. Protect the Crooks. (winking)

Coming up next: Derriere extraordinaire, Stefan Georg!

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 3: Joanne Breznay

Rounding out the triumvirate, we continue our New Years interview series today with co-triumverate captainess, Joanne Breznay.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Joanne.
Joanne Breznay: ‘Sup El-C! Yo, check it- (JB gets up and dances for a few minutes) Yea yea..
EC: Wow, impressive! What- uh, what was that?
JB: It’s crunkin’. It’s the latest craze to hit the CV. Pretty fly, right?
EC: The CV?
JB: Colonial Village!
EC: Oh. Right. So I take it this is what you’ve been keeping yourself busy with during the off-season?
JB: (wiping sweat from her brow) Yea, that and the Lockin’. I mastered Poppin’ over the Thanksgiving break, now I’m just adding a few more moves to my repertoire. Say word.
EC: It’s good to see you’re staying active. Now, I came here today to ask you about your New Year’s resolutions. What are your goals for the 2009 Crook season? Any big plans?
JB: You just mean legal stuff, right? Cuz I got some plans I don’t think El-C needs to know about--
EC: --Let’s keep it clean Joanne.
JB: Aight, aight… ha, I was just playin’ with ya there, I don’t know anything about no bank robbery plans-
EC: Joanne! Please!
JB: Right. (clearing throat) Yes. I do have a few goals for my upcoming Crook season. For one, I’d like to really help out in the community more. Volunteer at soup kitchens. Pick up trash at local parks. I’d also like the Crooks to get involved in some after-school activities during the week, like working with children to rehabilitate sick puppies and kittens back to health so we can send them to poor countries that can’t afford loving healthy pets.
EC: That’s beautiful.. what a wonderful sentiment.
JB: Thank you.
EC: Any other goals for 2009?
JB: Well, I do have one more..
EC: And what is that? Donating blood, perhaps? Helping the homeless?
JB: Not exactly… Do you remember the guy in the red shorts that tripped me during a match back in August?
EC: Vaguely.. sure, why?
JB: (dead serious) He better sleep with one eye open, that’s all. (JB makes a shooting gesture with hand)
EC: (jaw-dropped) Um. I think that’s all we have time for today.. thanks-for-your-time-I’m-sorry-I-really-have-to-go (running out the door)

Up next- Logan Kendall (if that’s really his name..)

New Years Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 2: Ben Hoefs

Today we pick up where Part 1 left off, with an exclusive interview with co-triumverate captain Ben Hoefs.

El Campo: Good afternoon Be--
Ben Hoefs: (on phone, yelling) ….ich bin der architect deines schmerzen!! Viva Deutschland!! Porsche!!!
EC: Uh… Ben?
BH: (hanging up) Sorry about that… that was just my bookie.
EC: Are you ready to start..? I could come back later…
BH: No, no! Everything’s all taken care of. Lets do this!
EC: Ok. Well, as you know, El Campo is doing a New Years special on the K Street Crooks, and we’re asking each of the players to tell us what their New Years resolutions will be for 2009. So, what goals do you have in mind for the upcoming season?
BH: Well lets see here. Definitely want to score more goals this year – that’s my top priority.
EC: Excellent! That’s great to hear.
BH: But I don’t mean just a couple more goals per game.. (BH becomes very rigid and serious here) I’m talking serious world-record goal-scoring here. I plan on scoring at an absolute minimum……. 150 goals per game.
EC: …wait, wha-? 150-
BH: I mean it. This league needs a super-star. A star that can deliver amazing results, attract the crowds, really put Capital Hill on the map. People are going to come from all over the world – from Hamburg to Brandenburg, to Hesse to Saarland and maybe even as far away as Mechlenburg-Vorpommern – just imagine, they’ll--
EC: --But.. I’m sorry to interrupt, but just doing the math quickly here, that works out to roughly 3 goals per minute of play. How is that even possible?
BH: (deadpanning) Oh believe me baby, its possible. And I’m gonna do it. Just you wait.
EC: Um, alright then, sounds like you sure have your work cut out for you in 2009!
BH: (rolling eyes) Yea, if you call being loved by the entire world work..
EC: Right. Well, thank you for your time Ben, this has been a truly enlightening exper-
BH: (on phone) [multiple German expletives]!!!

Stay tuned for co-triumverate captain Joanne's "plans" for the New Year...

New Years Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 1: Tim Snyder

El Campo has recently had the opportunity to sit down with each of the K Street Crooks in a series of rare one-on-one interviews. The topic: New Year’s Resolutions. Every couple of days El Campo will post the transcript from one of these interviews for your reading pleasure. Without giving too much away, I can tell you this was one of the most enthralling assignments ever given to this lowly El Campo reporter… I hope you enjoy this rare glimpse into the psyche of our favorite pink football club.

First up, co-triumverate captain, Tim Snyder

El Campo: Good afternoon Tim! –err, may I call you Tim?
Tim Snyder: Absolutely not.
(awkward silence, much fidgeting on El Campo’s part)
Tim Snyder: haha, I’m just kidding.. You know I love you El Campo de Petworth. Oh and by the way, you do know we’re no longer the ‘pride of Petworth’, right? I mean, come on, we’ve been at Capital Hill way longer than we were at that dump. Change the name already! (rolling eyes, crossing arms across his chest)…
EC: Uh… erm… that’s really up to the editors, I’m just a reporter..
TS: I know, I know, again, I’m just joshing ya.. relax! Now, what did you want to talk about?
EC: Well, uh, ‘sir’-
TS: Call me Tim!
EC: Yes, of course. Tim. Yes. Well what I want to talk to the Crooks about today is the subject of New Year’s Resolutions. What are your goals for the team in 2009?
TS: Ahh, great question. I have been thinking about my resolution for some time now – nearly the entire year.
EC: And what have you come up with?
TS: Well let me lay this on you, and honestly, tell me what you think: (clearing his throat) I have resolved to get the Crooks featured on ---wait for it… wait for it--- Blind Date.
EC: ….You mean that trashy Fox reality show that follows douchebag couples around on their first dates until they end up wasted in a budget inn hot tub?
TS: Precisely!
EC: I’m sorry, uh, Tim, but I just don’t see the relevance here…
TS: Come on! It’s brilliant! We get a couple of players to sign up for the show.. you can tell they accept just about anyone.. We may have to throw a couple push-up bras on the girls, get a couple bottles of hair gel and cheap cologne for the guys, but you know, nothing too extravagant… Anyway, we get them on the show, they do the little bio of the player on the date, and Whammo! (TS gets out of his chair, flails arms about in a theatrical way) Flash a pic or a video clip of the K Street Crooks in all their melon and pink glory! We could even have the little Crook guy from our original logo run across the screen!! We’ll be famous!!
EC: I see… I suppose that is an easy way to get your name on television… But what about the rest of the show? The player would then have to go on an awful date, wouldn’t they? Would any of the Crooks actually be willing to do that?
TS: Well I sure as hell wouldn’t. But Alexis is a big fan of the show, I think she might go for it.
EC: Wow. Throwing your fiancé into the trashiest of trashy reality dating shows, all in the name of Pink!
TS: Thank you, thank you.
EC: Well, Mr. Snyder – I mean, Tim – this has been a very enlightening conversation. It’s nice to finally get some insight into what one-third of the triumvirate is thinking. Thank you so much for your time.
TS: No problem. And tell your readers to stay tuned to Blind Date… its gonna happen for us this year, I just know it!
EC: Will do. Thanks again, sir.

Stay tuned for our next post, fellow co-triumverate captain and extreme Hasselhoff-enthusiast, Ben Hoefs!