Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Crooks Have Disappointing Start to Season

K Street Leadership Unhappy with Drops in Key Stats

WASHINGTON - The K Street front office did not mince words at this week's press conference. "While we have not lost a contest yet, the mood on the Tenth Block is a mix between abject 'My Daughter Wants to Be a Stripper' disappointment and murderous 'Publisher's Clearinghouse Day' rage," said tri-captain Tim Snyder. "There is absolutely no excuse for the way we have been approaching the pitch the past two weeks and I'm here to tell you it is going to change."

The Crooks outlasted a furious onslaught from FC Kicks to win 2-1 last week. But that victory did not redeem the team from the season opening 4-4 tie. "It schei├če," said other tri-captain Ben Hoefs, "the english equivalent is just not strong enough. The key is in the hard s."

The team rolled out a plan to address what they labled "embarassing holes" in the overall Pink game. One point of emphasis for next week is in hungover caps. "Plain and simple," said former league leader and other tri-captain Joanne Breznay, "playing without the overwhelming fear that the next time you kick the ball might be the time you puke all over the pitch is taking away what gave the Crooks their heart since the team was first formed." The team has only logged three total hangovers in two games, well below last year's average of three per game. It is unclear how much impact Breznay's absence last week has to do with the drop in stats, but said Snyder "I'm pretty sure it's not freaking helping."

The second stat category is in Mooses. "While we have become more efficient in ball handling and overall defense, we have let a former mainstay of our game - massive embarassing whiffs - slip dramatically," said Hoefs. In a closed window meeting via G-Chat, Snyder and former Moose leader defender Amber Lovell devised a new plan. The team will have three whiffle ball bats on the sideline. Prior to substituting in, the sub must stand the bat up on one end, place their forhead on the other end and spin repeatedly for 45 seconds. "This has many benefits," said Lovell via Craigslist ads, "for one, it increases the chances of whiffing. It keeps the other team off balance because we'll be so off-balance they'll start to think it's them who are dizzy. And finally, if we can't legitimately get Crooks to puke from hangovers, the spins are still the spins no matter how you get them." El Campo also learned from unnamed sources that the Crooks are in talks with FC Sparta to bring Moose icon Mustafa Dimbiloglu back to the team to boost their whiff stats. "If that were true," said a team official seeking to remain anonymous, "having the guy for whom the stat was created back in pink will be a huge help in this category."

"This has to work," said Snyder at the end of the press conference, "if not, nothing's safe. We're looking at instituting manditory Saturday night keggers, and potentially using blindfolds to up mooses. A 1-0-1 record is not a bad thing, but 0 whiffs and 3 hangovers is unexcusable. The Crooks need to realize this. Quickly." When asked if the team would consider changing jersey colors to spark a resurgence (as the Mighty Ducks did), Snyder replied "No. [expletive censored] no, Tony. Come on. Get over it. How'd you get a damn press pass anyway? Security!"

The Crooks take on Unatletico DC at 4:00 PM this Sunday.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Crooks Welcome New Roster in 2009

Last season saw a shake up in the Crooks roster. While on loan to the Wellington Phoenix, striker Stefan Georg was caught in an unseemly imbroglio with a buxom native. Since the scandal and subsequent media scrutiny, Georg’s 10-year, multi-million dollar contract was canceled. A member from within the triumvirate, who wished to remain anonymous commented “We wish Stefan the best – and God knows I will miss watching all those butt traps – however, we could not in good conscience continue on with Georg, our young fans deserve better.” El Campo went out to gauge fan reaction to this development. We were put in contact with “Bobby” – the 12 year old leader of a SquashBuddies fan site. When asked if this incident tarnished his love of Georg, Bobby responded “God no, it makes me love him more…he is living the dream – soccer, booze, buxom groupies….when I grow up I want to be just like him.” He said this while adjusting his pink headband and nursing a bottle of Jack, this reporter fears for the future.

Further threatening the K Street dynasty was the departure of the Corcoran brothers, who after some locker room brawls with co-captain Tim Snyder were traded to FC Dallas. When asked about this unfortunate turn of events Mark Corcoran remarked “I hope that up-tight pretentious ass [Snyder] lets through every goal this season….he can take that surplus $65 he always manages to skim from the top and buy himself a personality. You show up hungover for a couple of games [according to Teamsnap, all games] and suddenly you “lack heart” and “need to get your shit together” - I laid that Puritan out and am glad to be rid of him.” When asked to comment Snyder’s representatives would only say “Tim will always value the Corcoran’s time on the team and sincerely wishes them all the best at Betty Ford…I mean FC Dallas.”

With three spots in the roster left unfilled as of February, Crooks triumvirate went on an international scouting mission for K-Street caliber players. While in Germany, Ben Hoefs aggressively scouted Bundesliga talent. In hopes of replacing his erstwhile SquashBuddy, Hoefs offered Stuttgart forward Warren (who boasts an impressive, yet deadly, shot) a multi-year contract with many product endorsement tie ins. After working so tirelessly last season to scout “top talent” in Costa Rica, defender Joanne Breznay scouted local talent this year. Midfielder and drummer Paul Hurt will be joining the Crooks ranks. He brings with him a can-do attitude and a killer beat. James Olsen was snatched away from cross-town rivals Violet Revolution. El Campo recently sat down with Olsen at K-Street haunt Vapiano’s to talk about his defection and plans for the upcoming season. When asked what lured him away for Revolution, the usually sunny Olsen became flustered and fidgety. Luckily for this reporter, Olsen is a feather weight, and two white wine spritzers in he was dancing on tables and spilling tightly guarded Crooks secrets. Apparently, to secure Olsen, the Crooks employed a number of underhanded tactics. According to Olsen “I was interested in joining the team, obviously, I mean who would not want to be part of a championship team…but [winking suggestively] I played hard to get. That strategy always works with the ladies and it turns out that it pays off big time in footy. Whatever I wanted was mine; coffee and a muffin delivered to my door each morning, all-inclusive resort stays, meetings with “Destiny” at the Mayflower – man K-Street knows how to woo a player.” Fearing another scandal for the crooks, we then focused on his goals for the season. The usually humble young man reported “I want to become the star of K-Street: men will want to be me, women will want to sleep with me. The names Pappas and Kendall will be replaced by Olsen in the Crooks hall of fame. My face will be emblazoned upon billboards around DC – I WILL BE A SOCCER GOD!!!!!!!!!!!” This show of hubris does not bode well for the Crooks. If the triumvirate can rein this ego in, the Crooks will have the talent to win yet another championship.

For all those who wish to support the pink warriors, contact craigslist immediately. Ticketmaster sold out of tickets within 10 minutes but scalpers are still offering tickets for up to $1000 a piece. Crooks own Joanne Breznay will be hosting a celebrity tailgate in the Capital Hill parking lot beginning at 9:00AM.

Friday, April 3, 2009

El Campo Retracts TeamSnap Article

You may notice I deleted the TeamSnap article. Turns out more than Crooks read the blog! I got a very nice email from Matt @ TeamSnap HQ who had found the post. He was completely apologetic and offered to rectify the situation.

I am sorry for not clearly stating that the post was a joke. We love TeamSnap (where else lets us keep track of who shows up hungover most often or who whiffs most in a game?) and were sad to leave. It is a great service and they were more than honest about the transition from Beta to Free/Pay plans and gave us plenty of time to consider our options. I highly recommend this versatile and easy-to-use service; it's the best I've found by far.