Monday, October 27, 2008

Crook Outruns 16,000… Or More?

Arlington, VA – This past Sunday marked the 33rd annual Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, DC. As an event centered on super-human feats of athleticism, heroic displays of determination, and ungodly early start times, our loyal readers may wonder why the official blog of the K Street Crooks would be interested in such an event. It turns out, dear readers, that one of our very own pink-clad strikers participated in said event: Logan “man, check out those calves” Kendall.

Kendall and his calves (sounds like a garage band, doesn’t it?) began the race promptly at 8am in Arlington, VA and sped through the aptly nicknamed “Marathon of the Monuments” – passing such prominent local landmarks as the Lincoln Memorial, the Korean War Memorial, and the corner on Route 29 where earlier this year a homeless woman was spotted wearing a vintage Crooks jersey. Kendall’s overall pace for the 26-mile sightseeing trek was an impressive 8:35/mile – a trip this reporter likens to the hypothetical combination of a DC double-decker bus tour and certain elements of that blockbuster movie Speed.

Kendall and his calves crossed the finish line 3 hours, 45 minutes and 10 seconds later, much to the chagrin of some 16,000 runners left in his wake. An alarming number of these slowpokes later reported seeing “a neon pink blur” at some point during the course.

As for the 2,158 who are currently listed with faster times than Kendall, El Campo has acquired insider knowledge of a massive cheating scandal brewing. It seems that the 2,158 in question in fact started the marathon at the scheduled time, but broke off from the main pack of runners soon after. They then hid behind bushes, trees and Rosslyn bums, whereupon after seeing the larger pack pass on by, they took advantage of the circuitous nature of the course and simply jogged over to the finish line, some few hundred meters beyond the starting line. An official investigation is currently underway, but a public announcement regarding the rogue 2,158’s disqualification is expected by the end of the week and the subsequent rewarding of Kendall as the real marathon winner will then take place immediately following this announcement.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Crooks Succeed, Fail, Drink

K Street Snubbed by Computers as Violet Revolution Ascends Rankings

WASHINGTON - The K Street Crooks fell victim to the system this morning as District Sports announced they failed to successfully defend their title this year. The team successfully defeated the Violet Revolution on Sunday 5-2, only to then be inexplicably leap-frogged by their victims in the end-of-season rankings.

"We weren't confident that we had the #1 spot locked up, " said a team spokesman in a teleconference Monday morning. The prior #1 team, the Wank(ers) fell to Adios Adu 1-0 in play earlier Sunday. This gave them an identical record to our heroes whom they defeated a week earlier. "The league is not clear with their tie-break scenario: we had the goal differential, but they beat us head to head." However, waking up this morning to find that the Violet Revolution had rocketed from worst to first in the rankings was, as one team source put it, "not unlike jumping into the Arctic Ocean in December with Icy Hot on your Netherlands."

District Sports introduced a new computer ranking system this season after spending close to $15 on studies determining the formula. "
The pamphlet they sent out had a lot of words and numbers on it," said Captain and Forward Ben Hoefs. When asked if he even bother reading it he replied "can you clarify what your definition of 'read' is?" After El Campo clarified that drawing doodles of Knight Rider and writing "Benjamin Hoefs-Hasselhoff" on something did indeed not constitute reading, Hoefs admitted he did not read the pamphlet and abruptly ended the interview saying that he had to "go reassess [his] life."

League sources told El Campo that the rankings are based off of a Coaches' Poll, a trigonometric equation with four independent variables (wins, losses, average weight, jersey color) and a sophisticated eenie-meenie-miney-mo selection process. "We think that the absence of one Coach's ballot probably screwed this all up. We've tested the eenie-meenie part and proofed the equation using both cosines, Pythagoras and, of course, FOIL." FOIL, a sophisticated method first developed by NASA astronauts for factoring binomials from Mars stands for first, inner, outer, last. "It's pretty close to the Hokey Pokey," as far as its instructions on where to put the operator's right foot, explained goalkeeper and resident math whiz Tim Snyder, "almost too close...."

An exclusive El Campo investigation revealed that the missing ballot belonged to the Crooks. The team still has Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu listed as their manager on official District Sports records. "It was a symbolic gesture mostly, we had no idea it had any impact," said the team spokesman. When reached for comment, Dimbiloglu said "Oh [expletive]! I completely forgot to mail that in. You know what the problem was, Wolf Blitzer didn't tell me to do it." When asked to clarify, Dimbiloglu stated "if it isn't important to the bearded Jesus of the 24-hour news cycle, it's not important to the Ataturk of East Lansing." Aspects of that statement were still being checked for factual accuracy as this article went to press.

The team was inconsolable Monday. "I'm devastated," said defender Amber Lovell, who stayed at a nearby bar overnight. When asked if she was looking forward to next season, Lovell looked confused. "It's going to take these idiots that long to get my veggie burger?!?"

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

K Street Seeks Redemption, Drinks

Crooks Fall to Wank(ers), Look to Lose Eye, Gain Horn/Wings, Eat Purple People

WASHINGTON - The K Street Crooks round out their season this week on what will hopefully be a high note. The team dropp
ed last Sunday's test in a valiant fashion to the eponymous Wanks, 1-0. Our Heroes of the Tenth Block worked hard right to the end, unleashing a flurry of offense that made Assistant Captain Bobby McNamara (shown right calling in a second-half set-piece) proud. "After that effort, it looks like I'm going to have to have the boys at OSD change the name of Agent Orange to Agent Pink!" Sadly, the Pink effort failed to put the snowball in the igloo before the whistle sounded thrice. The Crooks endured a tough fifty minutes punctuated by profanity, insanity and pig-piling calamities.

The team takes on hated rival Violet Revolution (#12, 0-5-2) this Sunday in a makeup match first cancelled by Hurricane Ekrem. The Revolution is comprised of the remnants of FC (add your own vowel) K Street, the violent separatist side formed earlier this year. "I think our offense will make them wish they were standing in 200 MPH winds and sideways rain," said meteorologist and part-time soccer game attendee Tony Pappas.

With one last game left in the season, the top of many statistical categories are still up for grabs. The most hotly contested is the Hungover Caps column, brought to you by Steel Reserve. Defender, captain and chief Caribbean scout Joanne Breznay currently holds the lead with three. The brothers Corcoran are in the hunt with two and many are tied with one. Defensive tandem Amy Aubin and Justin Sargent are looking to mix things up by throwing a seemingly innocent "End of Year Party" on Friday. "Frankly, our goal isn't team spirit," said Aubin. "Yeah," interrupted Sargent, "we're looking to get [hangover-prone] Amber [Lovell, defender] and Tim [Snyder, keeper] so drunk that they pull off a double-hangover for Sunday." "At the same time, and here is the key, " clarified Aubin, "we'll be feeding Joanne sparkling apple cider so she can't add to her tally." Goals, assists, and BONECRUSHERS are also hotly contested and could be decided by the last game. The only award locked up is the Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu Memorial Award of which Tony Pappas has been the only recipient. "Merhaba, Ekrem-bey," said Pappas with tear in his eye and the Platinum Cupcake trophy (left) held over his head, "this one's for you!"

The team received another accolade this Monday when TeamSnap, the club management software used by K Street, labeled the team one of it's "Most Active Users". "Well, I can't say we aren't proud," said a team spokesman, "but this would be one of those
Teen Jeopardy situations where you're both a winner and a loser." Reports from Michigan indicated that the team's mom is proud of them and, the spokesman finished, "that's all that matters."