Arlington, VA – This past Sunday marked the 33rd annual Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, DC. As an event centered on super-human feats of athleticism, heroic displays of determination, and ungodly early start times, our loyal readers may wonder why the official blog of the K Street Crooks would be interested in such an event. It turns out, dear readers, that one of our very own pink-clad strikers participated in said event: Logan “man, check out those calves” Kendall.
Kendall and his calves (sounds like a garage band, doesn’t it?) began the race promptly at 8am in Arlington, VA and sped through the aptly nicknamed “Marathon of the Monuments” – passing such prominent local landmarks as the Lincoln Memorial, the Korean War Memorial, and the corner on Route 29 where earlier this year a homeless woman was spotted wearing a vintage Crooks jersey. Kendall’s overall pace for the 26-mile sightseeing trek was an impressive 8:35/mile – a trip this reporter likens to the hypothetical combination of a DC double-decker bus tour and certain elements of that blockbuster movie Speed.
Kendall and his calves crossed the finish line 3 hours, 45 minutes and 10 seconds later, much to the chagrin of some 16,000 runners left in his wake. An alarming number of these slowpokes later reported seeing “a neon pink blur” at some point during the course.
As for the 2,158 who are currently listed with faster times than Kendall, El Campo has acquired insider knowledge of a massive cheating scandal brewing. It seems that the 2,158 in question in fact started the marathon at the scheduled time, but broke off from the main pack of runners soon after. They then hid behind bushes, trees and Rosslyn bums, whereupon after seeing the larger pack pass on by, they took advantage of the circuitous nature of the course and simply jogged over to the finish line, some few hundred meters beyond the starting line. An official investigation is currently underway, but a public announcement regarding the rogue 2,158’s disqualification is expected by the end of the week and the subsequent rewarding of Kendall as the real marathon winner will then take place immediately following this announcement.
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2 comments:
To be robbed of victory is such a tragedy...Logan do not loose heart, you will always have those gams.
Well done, Logan and Jo. Now you'll have to run more and write more, respectively.
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