Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Rookie Helps Crooks Rise Above Mere Numbers

In a stunning turn of events, the Crooks defeat (0-2) was overturned by a council of District Sports authorities - proving once again that Providence is on the side of pink warriors. The drama unfolded on the Dupont pitch last Saturday. On a beautiful spring day, the field was dotted with shades of pink and purple…spring flowers you ask? No, the pastel delight was provided by an excellent choice in jersey by District Sports manager Alex Bearman. Although the Crooks did not play to their potential (former crook and soon to be bride Alexis Horn can be blamed for that) squandering many chances to score and leaving an injured goalie to face the purple menace alone, it seems that the Crooks have many more untapped skills outside the pitch on which they can rely.

This tale begins in the off-season. During the winter break, Crook sophomore Jimmy Olsen did some in depth, highly researched recruitment. By this we mean he stumbled in a drunken haze down the hall of his apartment and asked his roommate Bill Gingher “hey you wanna play some soccer?” Little did Mr. Olsen know that his enlistment would have far reaching ramifications.

The game on Sunday was littered with missed calls - hand balls in the box and wrongly called throw ins, just to name a few. Many spectators believed this was the result of an apathetic referee, who had better things to do than stand around all day watching mediocre yuppies kick the ball around. They could not have been more wrong, her calls were not the result of incompetence but rather, love. From the first “goalie are you ready” it was amour – as she stared into Gingher’s baby blues, made ever so vibrant by the background of pink, she realized she had found “the one.” The resulting gazes of admiration left many calls unmade. Not even the jeers of numerous crooks fans could re-focus the smitten referee.

Crooks defender, and astute observer of randy glances, Joanne Breznay was first to notice the ref’s fascination. After she informed Bill of his power over the fairer sex, he really turned on the charm, asking the ref to take a stroll with him along the alleyways of Dupont field. Now, this reporter cannot say for certain what happened in those bum-lined, trash-filled haunts but, based on the outcome of the game we can all guess what went on. Upon return, the referee came up with some half-baked story about the other team’s inability to field a team or something like that. As a result, and despite the numbers, the Crooks were able to record the win. Such shameless favoritism speaks volumes of the new recruits “soccer talents.” When asked to comment later about the reversal Mr. Gingher choose to speak through a representative “my client adamantly denies using his sexual prowess to influence the outcome of the game, the Crooks win was indicative of league rules and nothing else…but anytime district sports wants to use a lady-ref is just fine by him.”

While a win is a win, this reporter and the legions of pink army fans out there hope that next week can provide a more traditional win.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Slawinski is Hat-Trick-Tastic in Crooks Win

On an unseasonably hot-as-balls day in our nation’s capital, the K Street Crooks arrived at Stead Park Sunday with the hopes of extending their winning streak to a whopping ‘3’. The odds were well stacked against them- the early morning start time left much of the team in a sleepy haze and hungover stupor. Others fared even worse. Rookie striker Gingher ran out of his favorite hair gel that morning, leaving his curly locks in an absolute tizzy; defender Lovell was painfully reevaluating her decision to eat a chocolate cake for breakfast; and striker Pfeil, the scoring phenom from seasons past, got lost on his way to the field and was reportedly wandering the streets of DC asking passersby if they’d seen any ‘pink ballers’ around.

Shut down for much of the game by one superstar opponent and his cronies, and down 2-0 at the half, the prospects of a third Crooks win were looking rather bleak. The Crooks were going to need some serious heroics to get that big, shiny W.

Thankfully, the Crooks never give up, err, don’t give up easily. In a brilliant display of courage and skill, rookie striker Slawinski stepped up when it mattered most, lifting the fading Crooks onto his shoulders, and delivering three magnificent goals, securing a third win. “Enjoy it while you can El Campo.. I’ve already gotten calls from some of the more elite rec leagues in Virginia. I’m movin’ up,” Slawinski said after the match.

Stay tuned next week as our forever pink warriors take on Covington United at 1pm. Go Pink!