Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Rookie Helps Crooks Rise Above Mere Numbers

In a stunning turn of events, the Crooks defeat (0-2) was overturned by a council of District Sports authorities - proving once again that Providence is on the side of pink warriors. The drama unfolded on the Dupont pitch last Saturday. On a beautiful spring day, the field was dotted with shades of pink and purple…spring flowers you ask? No, the pastel delight was provided by an excellent choice in jersey by District Sports manager Alex Bearman. Although the Crooks did not play to their potential (former crook and soon to be bride Alexis Horn can be blamed for that) squandering many chances to score and leaving an injured goalie to face the purple menace alone, it seems that the Crooks have many more untapped skills outside the pitch on which they can rely.

This tale begins in the off-season. During the winter break, Crook sophomore Jimmy Olsen did some in depth, highly researched recruitment. By this we mean he stumbled in a drunken haze down the hall of his apartment and asked his roommate Bill Gingher “hey you wanna play some soccer?” Little did Mr. Olsen know that his enlistment would have far reaching ramifications.

The game on Sunday was littered with missed calls - hand balls in the box and wrongly called throw ins, just to name a few. Many spectators believed this was the result of an apathetic referee, who had better things to do than stand around all day watching mediocre yuppies kick the ball around. They could not have been more wrong, her calls were not the result of incompetence but rather, love. From the first “goalie are you ready” it was amour – as she stared into Gingher’s baby blues, made ever so vibrant by the background of pink, she realized she had found “the one.” The resulting gazes of admiration left many calls unmade. Not even the jeers of numerous crooks fans could re-focus the smitten referee.

Crooks defender, and astute observer of randy glances, Joanne Breznay was first to notice the ref’s fascination. After she informed Bill of his power over the fairer sex, he really turned on the charm, asking the ref to take a stroll with him along the alleyways of Dupont field. Now, this reporter cannot say for certain what happened in those bum-lined, trash-filled haunts but, based on the outcome of the game we can all guess what went on. Upon return, the referee came up with some half-baked story about the other team’s inability to field a team or something like that. As a result, and despite the numbers, the Crooks were able to record the win. Such shameless favoritism speaks volumes of the new recruits “soccer talents.” When asked to comment later about the reversal Mr. Gingher choose to speak through a representative “my client adamantly denies using his sexual prowess to influence the outcome of the game, the Crooks win was indicative of league rules and nothing else…but anytime district sports wants to use a lady-ref is just fine by him.”

While a win is a win, this reporter and the legions of pink army fans out there hope that next week can provide a more traditional win.


William said...

Well comrades, I gave it my best shot, but ultimately I could not win that witch of a referee over to our side. But my philosophy is to win at all costs, so I suggest that we all prepare to turn up the charm next week. This includes the ladies as well. I will do my part by ensuring that Jim Olsen wears his Axe deodorant and cleans up properly.

House PAC said...

Ohh I miss you guys!! Although I do wear my pink socks in homage to the Crooks.