Monday, February 25, 2008

0-7-1 ... again

The Crooks have yet again taken an 0-7-1 season-end result. Thus, with all certainty, the next indoor season will result in a .500 win/loss ratio.

Not much left to say until the spring season. Well, except for our goal differential: 15 : 59.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Crooks Bleed for Failure

Your Heroes of the Tenth Block lost by only one goal last Sunday, 5-4 to the Spinoffs. The Pink People bravely fought despite injuries, setbacks and poor pitch conditions to remain competitive throughout.

The team had to overcome injuries to its frontline stars: Tim Malacarne (fractured faux-hawk) and Ben Hoefs (sprained priorties), and three key defenders: Alexis Horn (bruised knee), Mike Huling (blunt force trauma to head [fifth straight game]), and Mustafa Dimbiloglu (slightly bruised pinky toe).

Hoefs did not make the trip to Fairfax with the team, but Malacarne scored two goals while bleeding profusely from the head. When asked about his priorities before the game, Malacarne was clear: "I don't go to Michigan; I don't play squash; and I don't let little things like the fact that I was lying semi-conscious in a rapidly expanding pool of my own blood just an hour or two ago get in the way of what matters to me: Crooks soccer." Defenders Katie Horgan and Amber Lovell swooned, "Myyyyy heeeeero," and there were reports that defender Alexis Horn briefly lost consciousness. "Don't worry about her, it's the same thing every time Hanson comes on."

Malacarne tested the absorbent strength of his gauze wrap and borrowed paper towel contraption on multiple headers striking fear in the Spinoffs. "I have no idea who that guy was at forward, Chief Wahoo Something, but man, he was insane," said a Spinoffs defender after the game. "I think he got some blood on me, but I don't think I'm going to wash this shirt," said another, "At least not until I tell the grandkids this story some day."

Goals were also scored by Joanne Breznay and Mike Huling, marking the first time this season that someone put the biscuit in the basket besides Hoefs or Malacarne. Huling subbed out immediately after scoring screaming, "Put some direct pressure on me, I'm oozing talent like a Malacarne head wound."

The team faces its final regular season test versus ICF, who had one win going into last Sunday. Then the team will sacrifice itself to the first or second seeded team in the league the next week in the first round of the playoffs. "I don't know what kind of league puts the last place team into the playoffs like cannon fodder," said defender Justin Sargent. "I know," said an unnamed former Crook, "a small penis league."

Friday, February 15, 2008

Crook Tied For Last & Still Manages To Clinch Playoffs

(1850 K Street) - After six weeks of play the standings for the 6v6 soccer season at Fairfax Sportsplex are in. The management of the K Street Crooks participated in a conference call early Friday morning to analyze the findings.

It seems that the Crooks are in a tight battle for the worst record in the league with "The Reds". Both teams have a total of "1" point. The league leader and one of the Crooks worst defeats came at the hands of the Cupacabras (6-0). Former Crook Mark "Marko" Loucas spoke to ECdP after hearing the standings "Jesus! The Cupababras should be in the Upper Division. What do they think this is, The Small Penis League!"

The Crooks are scheduled for two more regular season games. The first this coming Saturday, February 16th against the Spinoffs (2-2-1) followed by ICF (1-3-1) on February 23rd. The management of the Crooks were also made aware this morning that they had managed to clinch the playoffs. Though the opponent nor time of play has been made public the date has been set for March 1st. Upon hearing the news of making the playoffs vetran goalie Tim Snyder remarked "I knew from the beginning that I was the best goal keeper in this league. If it wasn't for M. Ekrem's poor leadership we would have had many more "Ws" in our column." Long-time defensive stalwart and Chariman for the Keep Ekrem As Captain Campaign, Amy Aubin quickly responded "Its odd that Snyder blames Dimbiloglu for the goals that found the back of the net at 2MPH." Asked to comment on Snyder's remarks Dimbiloglu stated "I rather stay positive and look to the future. Snyder's long-term smear campaign will not lead to results."

Please check the blog periodically for further updates.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Crooks Fail to Fail without Captain as More Questions Loom

Game Recap
The Heroes of the 10th Block tallied their first non-loss of the indoor season on Sunday, lasting out the Ecofinishes to a 3-3 draw. This brings the pink record to 0-4-1 and earns the Crooks their first point of the season.

The K Street Kings and Kweens put on a clinic of offensive mastery and defensive domination from the first whistle, despite the strong presence of both beer and cupcake hangovers respectively. Goals were tallied by faux-hawked forward Tim Malacarne who put up two in the first half. He was defaulted the third goal after the Eco's finished themselves off to bring the Crooks to the intermission up 3-2.

K Street bent but did not break in the second half allowing only the equalizer and not much else. The defense held a block party in the closing minutes of the match, resisting an onslaught of shots from the Ecofinishers.

The Melon Maulers was ecstatic after the came. "If what they say about tying is true, that it's like kissing your sister, then maybe I didn't need to spend so much money on Amy's ring," said defender, and West Virginia native Justin Sargent after the game, "I rather enjoyed that."

The team did not appear lost without the services of their captain, who had better places to be. These places included Michigan, which was boasting a balmy negative 8 degrees on Saturday. "I think that the team, as a unit, really stepped up and filled the leadership void," said Malacarne who filled in as captain, "Next week we'll try to fill something even more substantial - like a thimble."

More Questions about Captain's Commiment
Captain Dimbiloglu did appear at a poker tournament which he organized on Friday night at which he won $20 dollars. If you recall, Dimbiloglu did not want to spend more than $50 to change his flight but the airline wanted to charge him $100. The $50 difference could clearly have been offset by the $20 he won and the $60 he blew on poker chips from Brookstone, now residing (perhaps permanently) in his trunk. Team Comptroller Tim Snyder said his office was looking into it. "I didn't need to take math at GW to see the issues here," he said via telephone, "which is good because I didn't." Dimbiloglu was not available for comment.

Next Week
The K Street Crooks travel to Fairfax Sportsplex next Saturday to take on the Spinoffs. The match starts at 3:00PM and the team is confident Pink Power can bring another point home to K Street. "Spinoffs?? That's a dumb sounding name, we should be able to beat them," said forward Ben Hoefs. "That logic has never failed us."

Friday, February 8, 2008

ABANDONED! Crooks captain leaves team ahead of weekend clash

El Campo de Petworth has learned from confidential sources inside the K Street Crooks organization that captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu has informed his teammates that he wants no part in Saturday’s game against Ecofinish. The shocked group vowed to fight on despite the defection.

Indications that Dimbiloglu was dissatisfied with the direction of the Crooks were evident as early as late 2007 when, rather than pledge his future to the club, the captain decided to “apply to business school.” These tensions were believed resolved, though, particularly after Dimbiloglu’s strong performance in last week’s game against the Dickstein Shapiro Penguins. This week, however, he callously announced that the team could play their little games for all he cared, he was going to Michigan. “Screw that,” he is reported to have said, “I got my assist. I’m outta here.”

When informed of their captain’s decision, many Crooks were unable to believe their ears. “Mustafa isn’t coming?” central defender Mike Huling asked incredulously, “Mustafa? Are you sure you don’t mean Dorothy?” Striker Ben Hoefs also tried to make statement, but whatever profound sentiments he wished to express were inaudible over his sobs.

With the men of the team barely able to contain their despair, midfielder Joanne Brezney disproved centuries of stereotypes about her sex’s emotional nature by immediately focusing on the tactical impact of Dimbiloglu’s absence on the Crooks’ chances for victory. Still, her countenance was gloomy. “Mustafa’s out? Fuck! Now who the hell’s going to pick up Tim?”

Alone among team members willing to speak to ECdP, defender Amy Aubin seemed to see Dimbiloglu’s looming absence as a positive. “Thank god,” she was quoted as saying, “that little bitch is finally learning to respect my corner.”

Monday, February 4, 2008

Of Games, Pants and Dogs: Losses Mount for Crooks

On Saturday, the K Street Crooks dropped their 4th straight test versus the Dickstein Penguins by a score which frankly was forgettable. The team played backwards this week, starting strong - even leading at one point - before sacrificing themselves to the indoor gods.

Goalkeeper Tim Snyder left the pitch immediately after the loss, not even staying to shake the hands of those that graciously decked him with 20 seconds left in a 8 goal game. Snyder, who aside from minding nets also looks after Captain Dimbiloglu's belongings, absconded with Mustafa's brand new pants. Ironically, these pants were purchased to take the place of Snyder's pants which Ekrem had continuously borrowed.

Snyder was briefly available for comment in the parking lot of the facility after the game. "That was really frustrating today. We came with clear eyes and full hearts and we left with nothing," he moped while taking of his shin pads. "Well," he perked up slightly, " they left with nothing, I scored me some pants." When informed by El Campo the pants were Dimbiloglu's, Snyder spat out an expletive, seething "that was all I had today. That was it, pants, and you took that away. What's next? Are you going to tell me that my dog died too??" Snyder got up, sobbing and swearing his way over to Dimbiloglu's car, where he placed the pants on the windshield, flipped off the various bystanders and walked to his waiting ride.

In a sad turn Dimbiloglu, a Turkish national not known for his driving skills, left the pants unnoticed on the windshield the entire ride back into the District. Passenger/Forward Tim Malacarne recounted, "I thought I was going to die. [Dimbiloglu] just kept asking 'is it dark in here? Why's it so dark?'I screamed 'it's the effing pants' at the top of my lungs, but to no avail. The Killers were just blasting too loud." Dimbiloglu, his vision obscured by his new Adidas Revolution 3 Pants, struck Snyder's dog Favre at the corner of N Courthouse and 13th in Arlington, VA. Favre died at the scene.

A spokesperson for Snyder said it's unclear if he will be able to play next week. "He's absolutely crushed," said Alexis Horn on Sunday, "he's been sitting on the bed all day watching Mythbusters."