Crooks Bleed for Failure

Your Heroes of the Tenth Block lost by only one goal last Sunday, 5-4 to the Spinoffs. The Pink People bravely fought despite injuries, setbacks and poor pitch conditions to remain competitive throughout.

The team had to overcome injuries to its frontline stars: Tim Malacarne (fractured faux-hawk) and Ben Hoefs (sprained priorties), and three key defenders: Alexis Horn (bruised knee), Mike Huling (blunt force trauma to head [fifth straight game]), and Mustafa Dimbiloglu (slightly bruised pinky toe).

Hoefs did not make the trip to Fairfax with the team, but Malacarne scored two goals while bleeding profusely from the head. When asked about his priorities before the game, Malacarne was clear: "I don't go to Michigan; I don't play squash; and I don't let little things like the fact that I was lying semi-conscious in a rapidly expanding pool of my own blood just an hour or two ago get in the way of what matters to me: Crooks soccer." Defenders Katie Horgan and Amber Lovell swooned, "Myyyyy heeeeero," and there were reports that defender Alexis Horn briefly lost consciousness. "Don't worry about her, it's the same thing every time Hanson comes on."

Malacarne tested the absorbent strength of his gauze wrap and borrowed paper towel contraption on multiple headers striking fear in the Spinoffs. "I have no idea who that guy was at forward, Chief Wahoo Something, but man, he was insane," said a Spinoffs defender after the game. "I think he got some blood on me, but I don't think I'm going to wash this shirt," said another, "At least not until I tell the grandkids this story some day."

Goals were also scored by Joanne Breznay and Mike Huling, marking the first time this season that someone put the biscuit in the basket besides Hoefs or Malacarne. Huling subbed out immediately after scoring screaming, "Put some direct pressure on me, I'm oozing talent like a Malacarne head wound."

The team faces its final regular season test versus ICF, who had one win going into last Sunday. Then the team will sacrifice itself to the first or second seeded team in the league the next week in the first round of the playoffs. "I don't know what kind of league puts the last place team into the playoffs like cannon fodder," said defender Justin Sargent. "I know," said an unnamed former Crook, "a small penis league."