Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Breznay Sets Tone, Crooks Heed Call

Crooks win first match of season in anti-Crook fashion, 2-1

Defender Joanne Breznay refused to listen to forward Mark Corcoran's calls for restraint in the fifth minute of Sunday's game. Instead of lightly touching the ball forward to him, she kicked the stuffing out of it, clearing it out of the playing area and, if it weren't for the fence, possibly the zipcode. The ace backliner's boot let all of K Street know that it was time to kick some ass and team Real Awesome was put on notice. "I heard Mark telling me to relax but I also heard the drums of the Barra Brava in my head, and the Bouncing Black Mass won out," Breznay explained post-game, "It was cold and drizzling and someone needed to light a fire under our butts." Her booming kick lit a fire hot enough to grill spiedies on the Moon.

The team got out to a 1-0 lead on a goal by Logan "They're real, and they're spectacular" Kendall. The opposition then knotted it up on a well-placed shot just past a diving Tim Snyder. "I really thought that the neon pink jersey would blind them, putting the far post out of sight, but I guess not," said Snyder in the post-game press conference. For the rest of the game, the defense pulled taut, refusing to break, even when Snyder began to spray goal kicks anywhere but where he was aiming. "That one that went straight up in the air? That one scared us," said defender Justin Sargent, "He's demonstrating capability that he can still skull us in the back of the head but also bombard us from above as well using a ballistic trajectory. It's scary times to be on defense back here."

In the second to last minute, All-Calves Kendall scored again and half of the Heroes of the Tenth Block rejoiced. The other half, the ones who haven't forgotten history, feared they may be damned to repeat it. But, the Crooks did not give away the game in the last 90 seconds for perhaps the first time in their history. "This was a big deal for us," said forward Ben Hoefs, "Any other Crooks squad would have gave away a win there, or at least a tie." "Makes you look at what's changed since then," mused forward Tim Malacarne, "and then you remember that [defenders] Mustafa Dimbiloglu and Alexis Horn were absent. Really makes you think...."

Both Horn and Dimbiloglu return to the pitch this Sunday at noon versus Swampoodle. No word yet from K Street on whether they will be subbed out to protect the lead at the end of a game.

PITCH NOTES: The team also won despite the presence of what many believed to be a spy in their midst. About five minutes before game time, a player showed up looking for FC K Street. The team kindly informed him that "Those Deemed Unworthy" had played 3 hours earlier. Keith, or at least that's what he said his name was, seemed confused. "Emphasis on seemed," said defender Amy Aubin. "It became pretty clear to us that he was a spy sent by FC K Street because Amber and Katie were too lazy and whiny to sit out in the rain and scout themselves. It'll be tough for them to top us with out the same commitment from their leadership which we enjoy," referring to mildly-obsessive team captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. "But he [the spy] played well, so I think we're going to sign him up," Aubin continued, "that'll learn them. They underestimated our skill and charisma." "We're really quite charming," added Mike Huling quickly before leaving the press conference to do a marathon.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Blood Feuds Scheduled

Potomac to run red three times this season

The 2008 Capital Sports Capitol Hill Sunday Soccer Schedule was released this week and it reads like the aftermath of a failed relationship with a coworker whom you have to face on a regular basis. The Heroes of the Tenth Block face "those deemed unworthy" three times this season, in what will promise to be contentious match-ups and the highlights of this year's season. 

The Crooks face Katie Horgan's Team this weekend in a pre-season exhibition game which defender and team captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu called an "intelligence gathering and target selection" opportunity. "Katie and the others have done a good job hiding their assets from us. On Sunday, we'll be able to find out who [fellow defender Justin] Sargent needs to pull aboard the Pain Train and who I need to flail my legs at in a fury of kicks and trips." The Pink Plan is to then clear the better players out either late in the scrimmage or early in the first test to ensure victory. 

Casualty estimates are in the fives and forward Tim Malacarne said "by the third game, we expect they'll have no one left but [former Crook defender Eric] Cederbaum and some National Guardsmen they've stop-lossed." The Pink People have no qualms about the lengths they will go to for a victory. "A lot of people tell me this is just rec league soccer, sometimes even my own teammates," said Captain Dimbiloglu, "but for me, this is life and death." Muffled cries from what sounded to this reporter like Dimbiloglu's brother/roommate emerging from a closet "don't lose.... he beats me when you lose..." were quickly cut off by the Captain's screams. "You better shut up, there's nowhere in this 400 square foot hellhole to hide!"