Monday, January 28, 2008

Game 3 info vs. Beer Guys

They won 9-2.
But more importantly, our Defensive Line was an almost impregnable wall the 2nd half. Nice job! I know that one guy (estimated at 6'4", 240 pounds) crushed some bones, but you'all did an excellent job.
Pushing up a little when we were on the Offense and taking care of the flanker really helped Tim and I get more shots on goal.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that that game was our best to date and we need to keep up the pressure and competitiveness.

Lata y'all

Monday, January 21, 2008

Game 2 (Jan.19, 2008) K Street 0 : 10 Chupacabras

The Crooks had the previous weekend off to further increase speed and endurance and to practice passing and shooting with a scrimmage against “The Randoms”. Sadly, some members of the Crooks were unable to attend due to negative effects of a short-term poison which they inadvertently drank the previous night. The scrimmage went forth nonetheless and it seemed the Crooks got some of their soccer determination back after this speech from Captain Dimbiloglu: “LET’S DO IT CROOKS!”

However, this determination was subdued even before the kickoff against the Chupacabras; star attacking midfielder Joanne had her lucky soccer shoes stolen from the Evil Monkey in her closet. Without those shoes, Joanne was overheard weeping in her Limo to the game. Things continued to go bad after the Chupas took the warm side of the benches. The Crooks were left with screaming soccer moms and a bench temp of negative 13.7 degrees Celsius. Things started looking even worse after 8 minutes of play, at which time the Crooks were already 0-5 in the hole. The Chupas used a devastating tactic of shooting balls at such a velocity that they were: “literally on fire” as stated by goalie Tim Snyder after he got 2nd degree burns to hic coccyx.

However, after the first 6 goals, the Chupas started getting stomped by the Crooks defense. Even though the Crooks did not remember the first half score, they were looking for a comeback in the second half. This half however, lead to even greater tragedy. After several minutes of play, the leading goal scorer of the Chupas kicked (with a clocked speed of Mach 1.73) attacking midfield Bennji Hoohoo in the side of the shin bone. Bennji tried to keep playing but deemed himself unfit after feeling excruciating pain while jogging. Since the Chupa’s player did not apologize for his fault, Bennji told El Campo magazine: “I swear eternal revenge and pain for that ‘no good scruffy-looking nerf-herder’.”
The Crooks increased their defensive capabilities and stopped the Chupas countless attempts on goal. However, once the 9th goal was scored, the Crooks started losing it. Exhaustion was setting in and sloppiness started taking over. Desperation became the norm and teamwork took backseat. To add to this disaster, the floor attacked defender Justin Sargent and took a bite out of his ankle: “I don’t believe this! I’ve been nice to the floor all my life and look how it repaid me” shouted Mr. Sargent while on his crutches. After this incident, Amy vowed to avenge Justin; and on the drive home started setting plans in motion for revenge.

After two disasters in a row, the Crooks’ future can only become brighter. With the moon rising 6 times before the next game, the Crooks are ready to play smarter, faster, more accurate, and more aggressive.

Much Anticipated Indoor Debut

(1850 K Street) - The K Street Crooks made their much anticipated debut to indoor soccer on Saturday, January 5th versus The Fire. Though it was a hard fought battle the Crooks managed to lose with a score of 12 to 1. The sole Crooks goal came from forward Benjamin Hoefs with less than six minutes left in the game. After the match Hoefs spoke with El Campo and stated "I scored the most amazing goal in indoor history. I am a German chick-magnet. Come to me girls!" Later that afternoon after speaking with his long-term girlfriend Dorle, the German superstar rescinded the second and third sentences of his quote. Being that El Campo has a record for being fair and balanced the entirety of the quote has been made available.

The Fire played with a talented yet cocky offensive setup and managed to hit two Crooks in the face. Mike Huling an asset for his fast and agile defensive play was hit hard during the second half. Erdal Gursel a spectator at the game commented "I have never seen anyone get lit up like that with a soccer ball." After a few minutes on the sidelines Huling later returned and played well for the remainder of the game, if not a bit wary of the balls projected target. Later during the second half Tim Snyder made an amazing save by taking the ball directly to the face. This save allowed the opposition to win by an eleven point spread instead of twelve. "Every save counts" stated Alexis Horn long-term Snyder girlfriend and defensive player.

The Crooks goalie Tim Snyder was also asked to comment after the game, but instead screamed obscenities at his defensive line and left the pitch with a "I'm not making a F*CKING comment to you ASSH*LES!" Upon hearing Snyder's tirade defensive stronghold and former Mister West Virginia, Justin Sargent said "hell, I made more saves with my body then Snyder did with his hands, I don't know what he's screaming about." After hearing the comments of both Snyder and Sargent defensive player Amy Aubin commented "Snyder is not the type of person the Crooks need as Captain. His smear campaign of Dimbiloglu during the off-season was the first warning sign and today's incident is just icing on the cake."

Though the season has started off on a rough patch the management of the Crooks hope for a strong remainder of the season. At the postgame news conference team captain Dimbiloglu stated "The Crooks weren't called the Pride of Petworth for nothing!"

Thursday, January 10, 2008