Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Crooks Ballers Trade Trainers for Tights

2008 was a roller coaster year in Crooks history. After claiming back-to-back Capital Hill championships, the K-Street Crooks missed the indoor tourney deadline and therefore will not qualify for FIFA World Cup 2010 in Johannesburg. The footballing community and Crooks fans were united in their disappointment. FIFA president Joseph S. Blatter released a statement Monday, “obviously K-Streets inability to make it out of the qualifying round in disheartening, the level of play will suffer and the integrity of the tournament is called into question – they owed their fans, as well and the football community in general, more than that. We can only hope for better in 2014.” Not realizing the microphones were still on Blatter went on to comment to is colleague, “what I am really going to miss is watching [defensive pair] Joanne Breznay and Amber Lovell prance around the field, they sure are something exciting to look at.” When asked to comment on Blatters remarks Breznay’s representative stated “my client is outraged by the sentiments expressed, what [Blatter] failed to understand is that while aesthetically pleasing, these young ladies carried the rest of the team on their backs – scoring all goals and blocking all shots.” Conformation of these statistics were unavailable at the time of publication.

Many Pinkos [legions of k Street fans, not communist sympathizers] began to pack away their watermelon scarves and pink body paint as they braced themselves for a long winter without their beloved team. But, fans rejoice, while soccer may be on hold, Crooks moves will be on display at the National Theatre thanks to the brilliant minds of Tim Snyder, Ben Hoefs and Tony Pappas. The creative trio have parlayed their love of soccer and ballet into the most talked about dance performance this season. Leaping and pirouette-ing about the stage, the K Street Crooks have brought millions of new fans to the art of dance. Dancer and choreographer Tim Snyder noted, “it has truly been the most fulfilling experience of my life to express myself through dance: the savagery of the game mimicked through the tension in our bodies, the exhilaration of play echoed as our bodies take flight on stage…it is truly magical.” Hoefs and Pappas took a less philosophical view of their work; Hoefs reported that “my ass looks great in these tights, Stefan would be proud,” Pappas went on to say “since all the girls now assume I am gay, they let me stay in the back room while they change, SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.” Regardless of their motives, one core truth remains, the Crooks have reinvigorated the art of dance as well as sport. Bravo!

Saturday, December 20, 2008


Friday Night Shin-dig Named "Top End of Season Party" in the Friday in December Division

The K Street Crooks, two-time Capitol Hill champions, held their final end of season party on Friday in an undisclosed location somewhere near the Arlington County Justice Center. It was a festive event with many Pink People enjoying cookies and beers. Things got out of hand when K Street forwards Ben Hoefs and Tony Pappas began smashing beers on the floor in a idiotic display of unbridled joy. "The tear we've been on for the past two seasons made it almost seem that the laws of physics no longer applied to us," said Hoefs in a post-party press conference. "I didn't think there would be any repercussion for taking a bottle of beer from the bottom of the stack." "I think it was because we weren't wearing our jerseys," hypothesized Pappas, who then played the SNL Digital Short about clothed desemination about fifty times in a row.

K Street released documentary evidence of the occasion on Facebook and Picasa for interested members of the press and at the request of law enforcement. The team will meet for an informal workout on Sunday at 2:00PM on the Courthouse Pitch at Rocky Run Park.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


The team announced this morning that the final end of season party will be a holiday extravaganza held this Friday night at 8:30. Rumors of an appearance by M. Ekrem Dimbiloglu, disgraced captain and America's sweetheart, have been confirmed.

Party organizers are warning participants to leave their green-frosted cupcakes at home as security will be tight. "Essentially, we have to avoid any and all potentially explosive situations and make sure this party goes off smoothly and funly." Security officials also told El Campo that other items including Bud Light (with Lime) and firecrackers will not be allowed inside. "Things got out of hand last time with [forward Logan] Kendall introducing a new way to shotgun beer using small explosives. We lost five good teeth that day, its still a tragedy for us here. We mish thosh teef efry daysh."

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Crooks to Sit Out 2008-9 Indoor Season

Altruistic Heroes to Give Others a Chance

WASHINGTON - The reigning District Sports Champions announced this week that they will not defend their two titles this season on the hardcourt of Cardozo High School. "We hope this doesn't disappoint our fans too severely," a team spokesman said, "but we believe that our absence from the league this season will help breed stronger competition for our return."

The team, who all but dominated the competition for the past two seasons on Capitol Hill, decided that their time could be better spent elsewhere from December to March. "We plan on recalling Stefan [Georg, on loan to New Zealand's Kiwi Killers] and instituting a new conditioning policy in the off season," said captain Ben Hoefs. "I have done some research and found that the 1970 East German Squash Team had the most complete program and I think that Stefan and I [shown left] can implement the same program on K Street with great results." Attempts by El Campo to contact former conditioning coordinator Mustafa Dimbiloglu, founder of the Cupcake to Champion program used by the team in its early years were unsuccessful.

Co-captain and head scout Joanne Breznay will spend the off-season in the Carribean and Mediterranean regions. "It's important that we take this time to upgrade our talent. These areas have a proven track record of producing great players." As a key defender, Breznay spends most of the game staring at the backsides of offensive and midfield players. "Once Stefan and Tim [Malacarne] left, Jo[anne] was searching, nay starving, for some new eye candy. She says these places have the best talent, but it's really for their phenomenal posteriors. Who can blame her? I need something to stare at back there too," said a source who lives inside Breznay's apartment.

Don't expect the Crooks to miss soccer too much this winter. -- Defenders and cohabitors Justin Sargent and Amy Aubin will fill the void in their lives with "cats and large televisions." -- Keeper Tim Snyder, who broke two fingers and lost many brain cells in an attempt to maintain his 43.22 first half goals against average last season, has cancelled his health insurance and will use the money for coffee. -- Forward Tony Pappas will attend Guitar Hero Rock Band Fantasy Camp in Oswego, NY in January and will attempt to be the first sober player in the history of the game to successfully set the guitar on fire after a particularly brilliant rendition of "Wayward Son." -- Forward Logan Kendall try to be the first runner to complete the NYC Marathon while baking bread... from scratch. "Getting wheels that are sturdy enough on the brick oven is the key challenge right now."