Wednesday, August 22, 2007
In a split-squad soccer scrimmage versus each other and Kairos, the Crooks were victorious over the Crooks 2-1. The game ended with the exchange of a case of beer to the winning team and sparked a goalkeeper controversy on K Street. Eric Cederbaum, a late addition to the squad, stood between the pipes for the winning side, defying the laws of physics and self-preservation to stop a prolific assault throughout the game by K Street. Mustafa Dimbiloglu, captain of the losing side, lead the team in shots on goal and said after the game, "Snyder's suspension the past few games forced me to consider other options. He has been replaced by Cederbaum in the games he missed and was bested by him today. Practice this week sure will be interesting." Snyder was unavailable for comment
after the game, but was seen clutching what appeared to be a bottle in a paper bag on his dejected walk home.
The second battle in what's been termed "The War of the Melons" took place on Monday night at Ireland's Four Courts Pub Quiz Night. The Crooks, again carried by a stellar performance by Cederbaum and nice work from Tim Malacarne, boy genius, handily defeated their opponents. The losing Crooks, with lackluster contributions from Alexis Horn and Tim Snyder, didn't even stay to hear the final scores read or to congratulate their opponents on their third place finish. "Screw them," a normally reserved Horn said afterwards, "I can't believe we sucked as bad as we did in there. The only positive is what cheating Mustafa [Dimbiloglu] did do probably resulted in embarrassingly wrong answers anyway."
Snyder made himself available to El Campo after Monday's defeat. Wearing a melon colored shirt emblazoned with block letters declaring "I'M ERIC'S BITCH", the normally quite pleasant Snyder was peeved. "I lost a ton of ground this weekend, not just in soccer but in life. I hope that the team looks at all of my contributions in the past, and not what I've done while limited by a foot injury." When asked how the right foot he bruised in a mountain biking accident affected his quiz performance or lack there of, Snyder replied, "anyone can think with their mind. I think with my whole body. Unfortunately, right foot is where I store all my This Day in History data, and I just couldn't retrieve it tonight." Here's hoping Snyder, slated to return in two weeks, still has a spot to return to, not just in soccer, but in life.
Monday, August 13, 2007
(WASHINGTON, DC) For the first time on record, a soccer club is holding a referendum. Today on their team blog, El Campo de Petworth, the K Street Crooks have posted a formal "no confidence" poll which will decide the fate of their captain, Mustafa Dimbiloglu.
Given the monumental nature of the vote, it is essential that all players make their voice heard, said vote organizers. Goalkeeper Timothy "El Fusiladoro" Snyder, who proposed the motion, said in a press conference today that "this should once and for all put the issue of Dimbiloglu's competence behind us so we can focus on what we do best, trying to win."
Dimbiloglu has had a few bright spots as captain. He allegedly secured a large watercooler for the team, a fact vehemently disputed by forward Tim Malacarne. "He had no part of it," said Malacarne of Dimbiloglu's involvment in the watercooler. "I came up with the cooler idea, brought the first version, found the new one on Craigslist, paid for half of it, and we fill it up from a hose whose use I negotiated."
The team has gone 1-10-1 since Dimbiloglu left the Turkish National Team to take the reigns on K Street. When reached for comment today, Dimbiloglu declared "I believe my records speaks for itself." Reminded of what that record was, Dimbiloglu retracted. "Shucks, well I will do my best to turn the team around and bring us back to .500."
Fans on K Street are not that confident. Many applaud this binding referendum in the hopes that it will herald in a new era under Assistant to the Captain Ben Hoefs. "Ben's a proven goal scorer. He always plays hard. He scores goals. Sometimes Ben wears leather, which the girls on K Street throughly enjoy," said Hoefs in a conference call today.
The succession, should it occur, is not that clear cut. Malacarne expressed doubt Monday that a switch from Dimbiloglu to Hoefs would produce any real change. "I have my doubts that Hoefs would really be fundamentally distinguishable from Dimbiloglu," he said in an exclusive interview with El Campo. "Except for being taller. And faster. And more likely to score when faced with an entirely open net. And in having a girlfriend. But yeah, in mediocre leadership ability, I just don't think I could tell them apart."
The future of the Dimbiloglu-K Street relationship is unclear and the entire franchise hangs in the balance. For some reason, teetering on the edge of catastrophe is a regular state for this club. Perhaps a change in leadership will provide more stability. The Crooks next game is in two weeks versus another team.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Subsequent examinations original documents revealed that while they had been charged for their meal upgrades, the team members and mascot consultant and
“I’d been hearing some people had been questioning our team name credentials,” said Crooks captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. “‘Yeah, you work on
Reports from those present at the restaurant indicate that Dimbiloglu did everything suspicious possible so that the restaurant might discover their mistake, including, but not limited to: suddenly shifting all conversations into whispers when the waiter approached, fidgeting wildly, and thanking the server for “doing that.”
Sunday, August 5, 2007
(Glover Park - DC) Three veteran players of the Crooks defensive line partied the 4-0 lose against It Burns When IP at the popular club Dr. Dreamo's in Arlington, VA. Captain Dimbiloglu, known for his late night outings in the District, especially in the eclectic neighborhood of Adams Morgan, ventured to the Commonwealth for entertainment. Joining him was Joanne Breznay, former (wo)man of the match, Eric Cederbaum, substitute goalie and superb defender, and Matthew Schultz an old associate of Dimbiloglu from his days in South Florida.
Drinking and billiards were on tap for the evening as well as jamming to a live band, which Dimbiloglu quickly danced in rhythm with. After many rounds of beer and billiards Matt challenged Mustafa to the Boxing Machine installed at Dreamos. Matt said he would pay $10 if Mustafa could reach a score of 600. Joanne followed suit and offered to donate the $1.00 needed to activate the machine. After ten minutes of watching other young drunk men score between 600 - 750 Mustafa agreed. With the pressure on and Cederbaum, Breznay, and Schultz watching, camera phones in hand, Mustafa readied himself humming the song "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor. Mustafa cocked his fist back and hit the bag at full power sending the machine into a frenzy with a top score of 648. The score sent shock waves through Dr. Dreamos especially hitting hard the wallet of Matt Schultz.
Testosterone had now reached palpable levels. Matt challenged Mustafa to a higher score and after hitting the bag at full power only reached a score of 589 leaving Mustafa’s tally untouched. Naturally it was now Cederbaum’s turn to step up and show his manly-strength, especially in the presence of Ms. Breznay. Cederbaum swung at the bag and was awarded a "5", yes you read right, F. I. V. E., activating the flashing "IMPOTENT" light on the machine. The incredibly low score of the former Bocce Ball Champion stunned the Crooks that were present. Joanne’s initial reaction was, "Wow I knew Eric wasn't that strong but a five, come on, my 4 year old niece Madison could at least get a ten." Joanne decided she too would take a go at it seeing that she couldn't do much worse than the Bocce Champ. After getting worked up Joanne hit the bag with gusto sending the meter to 582. Placing her in very close company to Matt but well above that of Cederbaum. After doing a bit of calculating on a ten key, it was determined that indeed Joanne is 116.4 times stronger than fellow Crook Eric Cederbaum.
Though fun was had by all those gathered the only true winner of the night was Dr. Dreamos which made $20.00 from the drunken festivities.
P.S. Eric was later able to redeem himself with a top score of 591.