Monday, August 13, 2007

The Watermelon Revolution?

Winds of change might soon mute stench of failure on K Street

(WASHINGTON, DC) For the first time on record, a soccer club is holding a referendum. Today on their team blog, El Campo de Petworth, the K Street Crooks have posted a formal "no confidence" poll which will decide the fate of their captain, Mustafa Dimbiloglu.

Given the monumental nature of the vote, it is essential that all players make their voice heard, said vote organizers. Goalkeeper Timothy "El Fusiladoro" Snyder, who proposed the motion, said in a press conference today that "this should once and for all put the issue of Dimbiloglu's competence behind us so we can focus on what we do best, trying to win."

Dimbiloglu has had a few bright spots as captain. He allegedly secured a large watercooler for the team, a fact vehemently disputed by forward Tim Malacarne. "He had no part of it," said Malacarne of Dimbiloglu's involvment in the watercooler. "I came up with the cooler idea, brought the first version, found the new one on Craigslist, paid for half of it, and we fill it up from a hose whose use I negotiated."

The team has gone 1-10-1 since Dimbiloglu left the Turkish National Team to take the reigns on K Street. When reached for comment today, Dimbiloglu declared "I believe my records speaks for itself." Reminded of what that record was, Dimbiloglu retracted. "Shucks, well I will do my best to turn the team around and bring us back to .500."

Fans on K Street are not that confident. Many applaud this binding referendum in the hopes that it will herald in a new era under Assistant to the Captain Ben Hoefs. "Ben's a proven goal scorer. He always plays hard. He scores goals. Sometimes Ben wears leather, which the girls on K Street throughly enjoy," said Hoefs in a conference call today.

The succession, should it occur, is not that clear cut. Malacarne expressed doubt Monday that a switch from Dimbiloglu to Hoefs would produce any real change. "I have my doubts that Hoefs would really be fundamentally distinguishable from Dimbiloglu," he said in an exclusive interview with El Campo. "Except for being taller. And faster. And more likely to score when faced with an entirely open net. And in having a girlfriend. But yeah, in mediocre leadership ability, I just don't think I could tell them apart."

The future of the Dimbiloglu-K Street relationship is unclear and the entire franchise hangs in the balance. For some reason, teetering on the edge of catastrophe is a regular state for this club. Perhaps a change in leadership will provide more stability. The Crooks next game is in two weeks versus another team.

2 comments:

Wemby said...

Could we maybe just agree to a compromise and have Mustafa wear leather?

Unknown said...

I will start to wear leather if need be no earlier than October 15th.