Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Crooks Lose Heroically, Typically, With Water

PETWORTH - All the ice water in the world couldn't save K Street from the inevitable. The K Street Crooks dropped their first test of the fall campaign on Saturday 2-1 to the Chang Gang. Playing without the services of a third of the team, the Pinkos donned new, brighter jerseys and did their best. The team drank from the newly-purchased 20 gallon Gatorade cooler but even that wasn't enough.

After reaching half time at 0-0, the Crooks promptly started the second half in proud tradition. A series of shots inside the penalty area proved too much for Netminder Tim Snyder who was beat 5-hole for the first goal. "That first goal was unfortunate, but nothing we couldn't come back from."

With ten minutes left, and after a series of jokes regarding the topic, the Crooks let up another goal. A rocket shot from the penalty spot eased past Snyder's right and tickled the nylon. "My response to the second goal was different than the first," said defender and (wo)man of the match Joanne Breznay. "It was less, 'ah well' and more 'Mark fricking jinxed us'," she said, referring to offensive midfielder Mark Corcoran. "Yeah, I said 'Ten minutes left guys, no goals!'" he recalled, "maybe next time I should use reverse psychology."

The non-existent heat and non-existent subs were taking a toll on the Crooks towards the end of the match. After recruiting a random guy from the sidelines to sub, the Crooks scored their first goal off of a nice Malacarne header. "I get a lot of those, but what made this one important was I did it without the fashionable faux-hawk," he said in reference to his ridiculous "luck bringing" game-day hair style.

The (wo)man of the match goes to defender Joanne Breznay who stood on her head in the backfield this week and really turned in a brilliant performance. The booby prize goes to Mustafa Dimbiloglu, on whose watch as captain, the team has digressed from pink jerseys to a color that can only be described as a combination between the Hoff's shorts in Baywatch and the orange cone-wands they use to land aircraft.

TEAM NOTES: The next match-up is this weekend versus the also-winless-through-two-seasons FC Meridian. The team also received their newly designed team shirts at the game. "The shirts are a bit tight which is good. They show off my guns. Also bad, they show off my abs," said Captain Dimbiloglu, who immediately began doing crunches.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

While Paris Sleeps, League Posts Schedule

DISTRICT HQ: District Sports posted its schedule for the upcoming 7-0n-7 league recently. The release was met with nothing but loud snoring sounds from the Paris of Petworth, the fearless leader of the K Street Crooks.

Overall, the slate of games for our pink-clad warriors has very little overlap from last year. The rematch with Chang Gang in week 1 (last time 2-3) should offer a chance to prove the pink improvement. The schedule's highlight is in Week 2, when the Pride of Petworth faces FC Meridan for basement bragging rights. The season's low point will most certainly be the Week 3 matchup at 11:00 versus "who cares, it's at freaking 11:00. I am going to be so freaking hung over," said striker Mark Corcoran and defenders Amy Aubin and Justin Sargent in unison during a conference call on Monday night.

The toughest test will likely come in Week 4 as K Street takes on Arko +6. Arko finished in second place and scored 22 goals last season. It will be the second match of goalkeeper Tim Snyder's three game suspension for "conduct detrimental to the team." A source close to the team speaking on the condition of anonymity told El Campo de Petworth, "Man, what a week for that dumb Paris to learn a lesson. I'll be sitting on my couch watching whatever poor sap they stick in goal get pelted en vivo on Univision. He should put himself in there. Suspend me, will you...."

Absent from this season's campaign is a rematch with Kairos. For those new to the realm of pink power, the Kairos/Crooks matchup in Week 7 nearly resulted in a brawl after a less than balanced strike by a Kairoite was defended by Aubin. The play resulted in the attacker taking a wicked digger and cussing Aubin for tripping him. Not one to back down, Aubin told him where to stick it. That suggestion was quickly backed up by Sargent who provided more detailed directions. No blows were exchanged, but no friends were made. After being told there would be no chance to make good on her threats, Aubin was saddened. "I threw down the gauntlet. I offered to show them what was up. They declined in sheer cowardice, but they still have to walk those two block to the Metro," she finished, pantomiming a throat-slashing with her thumb.

This season will be a difficult one for our beloved Crooks. With heat expected to top eleventy billion degrees for most matches, forward Tim Malacarne is going to have some competition. "I always go out there knowing I am the hottest thing on the pitch. But when the pitch is hotter than I am... that's mindblowing. Demoralizing and mindblowing.... " he said, trailing off as a tear streamed down his cheek. Rumors on K Street are that Malacarne is looking into a large water bucket, but not for team hydration. "We believe he is trying to retain supremacy of hotness over the field by flooding it," said a District Sports official, who stated the league won't stop him. "Who the hell knows, maybe he'll grow a blade of grass with all that water. We could use some of those here." Here's hoping the Crooks can take the water of teamwork and the soil of tenacity to grow sow the grass of victory this season at Petworth.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Snyder Breaks Ranks; Attempts Serious Discussion

OK, I was hoping we could discuss some plans and strategies for the upcoming season. I know Paris is frothing at the mouth thinking of this idea, but the other Tim is upset that he won't have anything to Google Chat with me about at work anymore....

I'll throw out some ideas, and we'll see where it goes from there.

  1. FORMATION: We have really good attackers, but too often they are stranded. I think a more offensive minded scheme would be better. What about two/three forward, one middley/back and two full back. I dunno... just chucking that out there.
  2. GOAL KICKS: I know I suck at them, but the field is kind of difficult to kick on, especially considering you can only kick it on one half of the field. I think we should defend the crap out of the goal kicks early in the first half to get some quick opportunities. It'll take the other team a while to adjust (I hope) and we could get some good looks.
  3. HYDRATION: There has been lots of talk about this fantastic screw-top Gatorade cooler. Screw that. When I go mountain biking I use a fantastic American invention known as a CamelBak. We could use these and hydrate (stay with me now) while playing. I know, I know... these things are pretty expensive. There are other ways to stay hydrated while playing....
Anyway, I look forward to your input. Go Pink.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Crooks captain drops team, will play alone.

(WASHINGTON, DC) K Street Crooks captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu announced Wednesday via the District Sports website that he will be the illustrious team’s only member during the summer 2007 campaign. In a tersely worded player list (available here), Dimbiloglu excluded every player save himself from the roster.

Speculation had been rife in DC soccer circles that the Crooks would look to make changes after a 0-7-1 spring season, but few were ready for such dramatic action. The team had been reported to be on the verge of several new player signings, but in the end, opted to instead subtract nearly all the old ones. Dimbiloglu’s exact motives for the purge are unclear but it is widely speculated that it is somehow related to emerging philosophical differences him and top Crooks team members, possibly over the relative merits of backgammon.

In informal statements, the captain characterized the shift as a tactical one. He stated that he didn’t believe his talents were able to be fully utilized in a traditional, seven player lineup. “I’m really fast,” he said, “and that helps me when I play on the flanks. But I’m also great on the ball and gifted with superb vision, which makes me a natural central mid. My first touch and eye for goal are unparalleled, so I don’t see any better candidates for striker and don’t even get me started about my defensive tenacity. I just felt the other 6 players on the pitch would make me – and the team – worse.”

When contacted by El Campo de Petworth about the Dimbiloglu’s plan to play alone, former defender Justin Sargent responded, “I'm confused? Are we talking about his lady skills or what?”

Former netminder Tim Snyder took the news harder, declaring that the move is “indicative of [Dimiloglu's] entire philosophy regarding the team. Despite his abilities, it's a decidedly "me-first" attitude the severity of which I haven't seen since the hey-days of fascism." He also termed it “laugh-y.”

When told of his teammates response, the newly minted attacking-midleft flank back appeared incredulous. “What’s wrong with them?” he asked rhetorically, “It’s not like I didn’t arrange for them to buy awesome t-shirts that they can wear when they come to cheer me on.”

Despite his obvious confidence, only time will tell if Dimbiloglu’s gambit will pay off against deeper teams such as perennial powerhouses It Burns When IP (roster) and Fresh Tread (roster).

Monday, July 9, 2007

Crooks Explore Sponsorship Options

In regards to the entry below, defender Dorothy Nederman has issued the statement: “magic forests really ARE fun, I swear. No comment on the truthfulness of the other excuses (ok, I lie: all excuses I gave were valid, except for the threesome with Hanson. For that, I sincerely apologize).” That aside, she would like to shed light on the sponsorship possibilities that both Tim Malacarne and her have been exploring. Behind the scenes and when he is not practicing (yes, that means while he is at work), Tim has been working hard to capture a sponsorship with none other than Victoria’s Secret (“VS”). Being a girl, Dorothy would fully support (no pun intended) the deal, as discounts on undergarments are always welcomed. However, it was when discussions of uniform change (please refer to photo of such suggestion below) became an issue, that she decided to research sponsorship venues that may be of interest to all players.
While the deal with VS is still pending, (which, if it went through, think of the tan we would get while playing!) Dorothy has been exploring opportunities with Chippendales Dancers’ clothing (or lack-there-of) company (please see second photo below). She fully understands that these particular uniforms would cause extreme chaos for the opposing team, as well has jeers/laughs/cat calls from other people who may be spectators at our games. But then, if you think about it, it is just so crazy, these sponsorship deals may actually work to this pink team’s advantage. The opposing team would just stand there with their mouths gaping open in shock, preventing them to play. Then Krooks could easily just dribble the ball past them and score. The keeper, you know, would either avert his eyes, or be perfectly happy staring at the guy or girl coming towards him with the ball – leaving that keeper unable to move towards the ball that will be easily kicked past him into the goal. The referee would not know what to do with himself and would just have to watch, as no foul-play could be called, since the opposing team would be standing still, completely stunned. It would draw a completely new group of spectators to our games, and the profits to both our sponsors and our team could only sky-rocket.
In fact, if the deal were to go through, Dorothy and Tim have estimated higher sales for both companies, both from our team and spectators. They imagine that eventually the hype would wear off over time, but Tim and Dorothy estimate that to take at least a year, assuming the media would become involved with interest in our team. Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu and Co-captain Benjamin Hoefs have had no comment on the situation at hand. Usually when the subject is addressed with them, they cover their heads with their hands and shake their head in disbelief. It is not known if Tim has had any luck. Both deals are pending, as VS and Chippendales Dancers’ clothing company consider profits and possible lawsuits. If other team members have explored other sponsorship deals, we encourage you to leave a comment about your efforts.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Crooks Brave Heat, Score Goals

The K Street Crooks held practice today at their new facilities in Arlington, Virgina. The forty minute workout showcased the intensity of our pink-clad warriors, despite heat exceeding 35.5 degrees. Using their signature Estero pink soccer ball, the team cleanly worked through a series of drills, much to the delight of gathered onlookers.

Assistant to the Captain Ben Hoefs spoke after practice to reporters. "It was a good and productive workout. We scored a lot of goals, and developed some solid set pieces that will really be helpful next season." When asked about the heat, Hoefs said "I haven't been this hot since I pulled up to a bunch of babes on my motorcycle in Adams Morgan last night wearing my leather. Grrrowl." Sorry ladies, Ben immediately recanted his statement and began repeatedly mentioning that he had a girlfriend.

Featuring a real-to-size replica of the game field and goals, and a revolutionary stone-dust playing surface, the new facilities should really help the Crooks next season. Defender Alexis Horn commented how the field was right in the heart of the Commonwealth and convenient to all. "It's just a short walk to the Metro and right off of US 50, much better than Fort Reno [the Crooks' previous practice field]." After concluding her comments, she was overheard asking her boyfriend and stud netminder Tim Snyder "man, do we really have to walk all the way home now? Do you think there are cabs here?" After responding in the negative, she queried "well, can you fricking carry me? It's like a thousand degrees out here." Snyder kindly declined, stating he needed to rest his back so he would be ready to carry the entire team on it for yet another season.

The team does not have any future practice scheduled, but Snyder mentioned the team will likely keep these sessions open to the public. "Coming out here in 308 degree weather, Kelvin or not, is no picnic. But, when you have the throngs of screaming fans on the side, just happy to see you play, it makes things a lot cooler." Hoefs chimed in, "There are no fans here, man. That's me. I make things cooler."

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Starting Goalkeeper Suspended Three Games

Does latest move from K Street signal the start of a revolution?

(WASHINGTON and ARLINGTON, VA): Mustafa Dimbiloglu, captain of the K Street Crooks, announced late Friday that he has suspended his starting goalkeeper, Timothy "El Fusiladoro" Snyder, for three games next season. Citing "conduct detrimental to the team" in his announcement, the embattled leader of the pink team said he hoped Snyder would soon "wake up" and "smell the cappuccino".

This is another rough patch this offseason for the barely functioning Crooks. Snyder, the league leader in assists (off goal kicks), was previously suspended in 2001 and 2004 for steroid use and jaywalking respectively and will miss matches on August 4th, 11th, and 24th.

The pink netminder was reached for comment early Saturday morning doing situps in the driveway of his chateau in Courthouse. "This announcement stunned me. I am deeply saddened that I will be unable to aid our team to victory on these oddly non-consecutive dates. I don't really drink cappuccino either. Too much foam. But if the captain wants me to move from double espressos to some Turkish crap, I guess I have no choice. I'm a competitor, I need to compete." When asked how well he could compete in a non-competitive league, Snyder replied, "Next question."

The announcement came after Snyder left Dimbiloglu off of a series of emails setting up a practice session for this weekend in Arlington. Though Snyder publicly apologized, calling it a "gross yet honest oversight", Dimbiloglu felt compelled to act. This was only the latest slight in a series of stinging accusations and criticisms of his captaincy featured on blogs such as "El Campo de Petworth" and "No Golaza para Rosa", which follow the moves of the Crooks. The team was nearly demoted from the premiership last season after losing every game but one. Since then, Dimbiloglu has been seen drinking and dancing instead of watching game film and preparing strategy. Labeled the "Paris of Petworth", Dimbiloglu has brought negative attention to a team whose positive attitude was the only buoy they had throughout an otherwise demoralizing campaign.

Dimbiloglu concluded his remarks Friday by saying "It was a tough decision to make. No captain ever wants to have to do something like this. Hopefully, Tim will take this time off to realize what his place is on the team and come back with the attitude we need from him to tie more games." "Events like this really get a player to reconsider his options. Good thing for me that I have let some retardedly easy goals past me before, it will be tougher to tell when I am blowing the match," Snyder mused off-camera.

The Chain Gang, as the Crooks faithful are called, are praying this team can stave off disaster and coups until the end of this season.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Nederman Readies New Season of Excuses

(WASHINGTON, DC) Crooks team member Dorothy Nederman announced Friday that she has readied an entire new slate of excuses as to why she is unable to show up for games.

“I thought I needed to expand my horizons,” said Nederman during her morning press conference, “last season I managed to miss most of games, yes, but I felt like I was really leaning on some old standbys a little too much when I tried to explain myself. I mean come on, how many out of town birthday parties can one girl have?”

Citing her newly acquired official team membership, Nederman pledged to come up with more varied and compelling reasons why she would be unable to join her teammates on the pitch. “A wedding?” she asked rhetorically, “That might be ok for a de facto Crook, but now that I’m listed on the District Sports website I feel like I need to come up with something a little better. How about my reserve unit was called up? What about an alien abduction? Those are compelling reasons.”

In a pamphlet handed out to members of the press, Nederman cited “Tiger Mauling,” “Imprisonment,” and possibly most surprisingly “The Chance to Have a Threesome with Hanson.”* Computer renderings also showed the defender undergoing a heart-lung transplant and lost in a magic forest.

When asked about Nederman’s possible lack of commitment to the Crooks cause midfielder Logan Kendall summed up his feelings by saying, “Wait, that girl’s on our team? Did we ever come the same week.”

*No explanation was made as to which brother was to be excluded.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007


(Ballston - VA) After expressing interest to the Public and to the DC Zoning Commission to build a new soccer stadium at Petworth, only one sponsor came to light and offered two hundred fifty-seven dollars in finances to erect this 10th wonder of the world (the 7 natural wonders not including Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger). The future stadium would be named the “Biggest Loser” Stadium after the Hit TV show on VH1. However, even with the unrelenting help of DC’s largest private landowner, Prof. Dr. S.J. Trachtenberg, the Zoning Commission denied the plea to build this $257.00 stadium.

After hearing the sad news from the ZC, Co-captain and World renowned beef eater Ben has decided that a new style of play is needed to boost morale and compete with the best at Petworth Pitch. Ben has decided to start practicing the ancient art of Shaolin Soccer and to share his techniques with the Krooks.
Knowing that Master Goalie Tim S. thinks he does not need improvement, Ben had to trick Tim into learning the “Quick Hands” technique through the use of drugs and trickery.

But fast hands won’t win soccer matches; the Defense needs to be rock solid as well. Thus we come to our second technique, the “Iron Shirt”. Under this style of soccer, defenders absorb all kinds of blunt force attacks without considerable damage, as well as siphoning and shooting the ball with one’s abdomen.

As for the forwards, the steel leg kicking technique will be taught. With this style, attacking midfielders and power forwards form their legs in such a way that they become powerful enough to kick a refrigerator hurling to a tall platform or to send a soccer ball into orbit.

However, not to be outperformed by team Evil, Ben decided to teach one final trick to the Heading Master Forward Tim M: the "Iron Head" technique. This technique can only be learned after holding one’s breath for 25 hours during meditation within one day. The outcome is tremendous: the kung-fu style makes his head as tough as iron and as accurate as a blind man shooting an arrow.

Ben believes these techniques will be the turning point of the Krooks and is anciously awaiting next season for the performance upgrades. Ben would not take comments at the time.

The Messiah has Arrived.....

>(Rosslyn-VA) International soccer sensation and recent K-street Crooks acquisition, Eric Cederbaum, made his practice debut this past Sunday. However, fellow teammates quickly became concerned when it took him roughly 20 minutes to tie his shoes. When his soccer skills were finally put to the test, it appeared that Mr. Cederbaum will fit in nicely to the already assembled ragtag group of misfits. At the height of the drama, Eric and the "Paris of Petworth" went "toe-to-toe" in a Best of 19 shootout. After both players were unable to even put any shots on goal, the ball was gradually moved closer and closer to the goal. However, the drought continued, as this measure yielded no goals as well. Finally, on the 19th shot, from roughly 3 feet away, both players scored and the spectators were forced to settle for a 1-1 tie. Actually, the spectators were ecstatic that they no longer had to be subjected to such incompetence. But what can one expect from a couple of Compliance Auditors?

CAPTION: The Savior training with the African Youth National Soccer Team

When asked if he thought that his past soccer experience will lead the Crooks to a W this season (or at least a second tie), Eric responded "Well I have actually never played soccer before, but I have seen Air Bud: World Pup several hundred times." He then proceeded to thank Jesus Christ many times, whom he claimed gave him the strength to suck so much. Weird, considering Mr. Cederbaum is Jewish. But thank God for that ass.