Shaolin

(Ballston - VA) After expressing interest to the Public and to the DC Zoning Commission to build a new soccer stadium at Petworth, only one sponsor came to light and offered two hundred fifty-seven dollars in finances to erect this 10th wonder of the world (the 7 natural wonders not including Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger). The future stadium would be named the “Biggest Loser” Stadium after the Hit TV show on VH1. However, even with the unrelenting help of DC’s largest private landowner, Prof. Dr. S.J. Trachtenberg, the Zoning Commission denied the plea to build this $257.00 stadium.

After hearing the sad news from the ZC, Co-captain and World renowned beef eater Ben has decided that a new style of play is needed to boost morale and compete with the best at Petworth Pitch. Ben has decided to start practicing the ancient art of Shaolin Soccer and to share his techniques with the Krooks.
Knowing that Master Goalie Tim S. thinks he does not need improvement, Ben had to trick Tim into learning the “Quick Hands” technique through the use of drugs and trickery.


But fast hands won’t win soccer matches; the Defense needs to be rock solid as well. Thus we come to our second technique, the “Iron Shirt”. Under this style of soccer, defenders absorb all kinds of blunt force attacks without considerable damage, as well as siphoning and shooting the ball with one’s abdomen.

As for the forwards, the steel leg kicking technique will be taught. With this style, attacking midfielders and power forwards form their legs in such a way that they become powerful enough to kick a refrigerator hurling to a tall platform or to send a soccer ball into orbit.


However, not to be outperformed by team Evil, Ben decided to teach one final trick to the Heading Master Forward Tim M: the "Iron Head" technique. This technique can only be learned after holding one’s breath for 25 hours during meditation within one day. The outcome is tremendous: the kung-fu style makes his head as tough as iron and as accurate as a blind man shooting an arrow.

Ben believes these techniques will be the turning point of the Krooks and is anciously awaiting next season for the performance upgrades. Ben would not take comments at the time.