While Paris Sleeps, League Posts Schedule

DISTRICT HQ: District Sports posted its schedule for the upcoming 7-0n-7 league recently. The release was met with nothing but loud snoring sounds from the Paris of Petworth, the fearless leader of the K Street Crooks.

Overall, the slate of games for our pink-clad warriors has very little overlap from last year. The rematch with Chang Gang in week 1 (last time 2-3) should offer a chance to prove the pink improvement. The schedule's highlight is in Week 2, when the Pride of Petworth faces FC Meridan for basement bragging rights. The season's low point will most certainly be the Week 3 matchup at 11:00 versus "who cares, it's at freaking 11:00. I am going to be so freaking hung over," said striker Mark Corcoran and defenders Amy Aubin and Justin Sargent in unison during a conference call on Monday night.

The toughest test will likely come in Week 4 as K Street takes on Arko +6. Arko finished in second place and scored 22 goals last season. It will be the second match of goalkeeper Tim Snyder's three game suspension for "conduct detrimental to the team." A source close to the team speaking on the condition of anonymity told El Campo de Petworth, "Man, what a week for that dumb Paris to learn a lesson. I'll be sitting on my couch watching whatever poor sap they stick in goal get pelted en vivo on Univision. He should put himself in there. Suspend me, will you...."

Absent from this season's campaign is a rematch with Kairos. For those new to the realm of pink power, the Kairos/Crooks matchup in Week 7 nearly resulted in a brawl after a less than balanced strike by a Kairoite was defended by Aubin. The play resulted in the attacker taking a wicked digger and cussing Aubin for tripping him. Not one to back down, Aubin told him where to stick it. That suggestion was quickly backed up by Sargent who provided more detailed directions. No blows were exchanged, but no friends were made. After being told there would be no chance to make good on her threats, Aubin was saddened. "I threw down the gauntlet. I offered to show them what was up. They declined in sheer cowardice, but they still have to walk those two block to the Metro," she finished, pantomiming a throat-slashing with her thumb.

This season will be a difficult one for our beloved Crooks. With heat expected to top eleventy billion degrees for most matches, forward Tim Malacarne is going to have some competition. "I always go out there knowing I am the hottest thing on the pitch. But when the pitch is hotter than I am... that's mindblowing. Demoralizing and mindblowing.... " he said, trailing off as a tear streamed down his cheek. Rumors on K Street are that Malacarne is looking into a large water bucket, but not for team hydration. "We believe he is trying to retain supremacy of hotness over the field by flooding it," said a District Sports official, who stated the league won't stop him. "Who the hell knows, maybe he'll grow a blade of grass with all that water. We could use some of those here." Here's hoping the Crooks can take the water of teamwork and the soil of tenacity to grow sow the grass of victory this season at Petworth.