Split Squad Weekend Ends with Wins, Losses

(Arlington, VA) The Crooks took on the Crooks in two match-ups on Saturday and Monday this week, winning two and losing two.

In a split-squad soccer scrimmage versus each other and Kairos, the Crooks were victorious over the Crooks 2-1. The game ended with the exchange of a case of beer to the winning team and sparked a goalkeeper controversy on K Street. Eric Cederbaum, a late addition to the squad, stood between the pipes for the winning side, defying the laws of physics and self-preservation to stop a prolific assault throughout the game by K Street. Mustafa Dimbiloglu, captain of the losing side, lead the team in shots on goal and said after the game, "Snyder's suspension the past few games forced me to consider other options. He has been replaced by Cederbaum in the games he missed and was bested by him today. Practice this week sure will be interesting." Snyder was unavailable for comment
after the game, but was seen clutching what appeared to be a bottle in a paper bag on his dejected walk home.

The second battle in what's been termed "The War of the Melons" took place on Monday night at Ireland's Four Courts Pub Quiz Night. The Crooks, again carried by a stellar performance by Cederbaum and nice work from Tim Malacarne, boy genius, handily defeated their opponents. The losing Crooks, with lackluster contributions from Alexis Horn and Tim Snyder, didn't even stay to hear the final scores read or to congratulate their opponents on their third place finish. "Screw them," a normally reserved Horn said afterwards, "I can't believe we sucked as bad as we did in there. The only positive is what cheating Mustafa [Dimbiloglu] did do probably resulted in embarrassingly wrong answers anyway."

Snyder made himself available to El Campo after Monday's defeat. Wearing a melon colored shirt emblazoned with block letters declaring "I'M ERIC'S BITCH", the normally quite pleasant Snyder was peeved. "I lost a ton of ground this weekend, not just in soccer but in life. I hope that the team looks at all of my contributions in the past, and not what I've done while limited by a foot injury." When asked how the right foot he bruised in a mountain biking accident affected his quiz performance or lack there of, Snyder replied, "anyone can think with their mind. I think with my whole body. Unfortunately, right foot is where I store all my This Day in History data, and I just couldn't retrieve it tonight." Here's hoping Snyder, slated to return in two weeks, still has a spot to return to, not just in soccer, but in life.