WASHINGTON - The reigning District Sports Champions announced this week that they will not defend their two titles this season on the hardcourt of Cardozo High School. "We hope this doesn't disappoint our fans too severely," a team spokesman said, "but we believe that our absence from the league this season will help breed stronger competition for our return."
The team, who all but dominated the competition for the past two seasons on Capitol Hill, decided that their time could be better spent elsewhere from December to March. "We plan on recalling Stefan [Georg, on loan to New Zealand's Kiwi Killers] and instituting a new conditioning policy in the off season," said captain Ben Hoefs. "I have done some research and found that the 1970 East German Squash Team had the most complete program and I think that Stefan and I [shown left] can implement the same program on K Street with great results." Attempts by El Campo to contact former conditioning coordinator Mustafa Dimbiloglu, founder of the Cupcake to Champion program used by the team in its early years were unsuccessful.Co-captain and head scout Joanne Breznay will spend the off-season in the Carribean and Mediterranean regions. "It's important that we take this time to upgrade our talent. These areas have a proven track record of producing great players." As a key defender, Breznay spends most of the game staring at the backsides of offensive and midfield players. "Once Stefan and Tim [Malacarne] left, Jo[anne] was searching, nay starving, for some new eye candy. She says these places have the best talent, but it's really for their phenomenal posteriors. Who can blame her? I need something to stare at back there too," said a source who lives inside Breznay's apartment.
Don't expect the Crooks to miss soccer too much this winter. -- Defenders and cohabitors Justin Sargent and Amy Aubin will fill the void in their lives with "cats and large televisions." -- Keeper Tim Snyder, who broke two fingers and lost many brain cells in an attempt to maintain his 43.22 first half goals against average last season, has cancelled his health insurance and will use the money for coffee. -- Forward Tony Pappas will attend Guitar Hero Rock Band Fantasy Camp in Oswego, NY in January and will attempt to be the first sober player in the history of the game to successfully set the guitar on fire after a particularly brilliant rendition of "Wayward Son." -- Forward Logan Kendall try to be the first runner to complete the NYC Marathon while baking bread... from scratch. "Getting wheels that are sturdy enough on the brick oven is the key challenge right now."
1 comment:
HAHAHA, nice job Tim!
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