New Years Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 2: Ben Hoefs

Today we pick up where Part 1 left off, with an exclusive interview with co-triumverate captain Ben Hoefs.

El Campo: Good afternoon Be--
Ben Hoefs: (on phone, yelling) ….ich bin der architect deines schmerzen!! Viva Deutschland!! Porsche!!!
EC: Uh… Ben?
BH: (hanging up) Sorry about that… that was just my bookie.
EC: Are you ready to start..? I could come back later…
BH: No, no! Everything’s all taken care of. Lets do this!
EC: Ok. Well, as you know, El Campo is doing a New Years special on the K Street Crooks, and we’re asking each of the players to tell us what their New Years resolutions will be for 2009. So, what goals do you have in mind for the upcoming season?
BH: Well lets see here. Definitely want to score more goals this year – that’s my top priority.
EC: Excellent! That’s great to hear.
BH: But I don’t mean just a couple more goals per game.. (BH becomes very rigid and serious here) I’m talking serious world-record goal-scoring here. I plan on scoring at an absolute minimum……. 150 goals per game.
EC: …wait, wha-? 150-
BH: I mean it. This league needs a super-star. A star that can deliver amazing results, attract the crowds, really put Capital Hill on the map. People are going to come from all over the world – from Hamburg to Brandenburg, to Hesse to Saarland and maybe even as far away as Mechlenburg-Vorpommern – just imagine, they’ll--
EC: --But.. I’m sorry to interrupt, but just doing the math quickly here, that works out to roughly 3 goals per minute of play. How is that even possible?
BH: (deadpanning) Oh believe me baby, its possible. And I’m gonna do it. Just you wait.
EC: Um, alright then, sounds like you sure have your work cut out for you in 2009!
BH: (rolling eyes) Yea, if you call being loved by the entire world work..
EC: Right. Well, thank you for your time Ben, this has been a truly enlightening exper-
BH: (on phone) [multiple German expletives]!!!

Stay tuned for co-triumverate captain Joanne's "plans" for the New Year...