Sunday, January 25, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: COURTHOUSE PITCH CLOSED AS TWO CROOKS GO MISSING

Quicksand believed to have claimed whatever's left of the lives Lovell and Pappas

ARLINGTON – The K Street Crooks and the Arlington County Police Department closed the Rocky Run Training Facility at 2:15 this afternoon after defender Amber Lovell (right) and forward Tony Pappas (below) disappeared on the pitch before practice. A later investigation determined that the field had turned into quicksand and swallowed the two Crooks whole. They were pronounced dead on the scene.

K Street Keeper/Captain Tim Snyder spoke to the media at team headquarters later this evening to address the situation and the fans.

Snyder: First, the team sends its condolences to the families of Ms. Lovell and Mr. Pappas. This was a terrible tragedy and our pink and melon hearts go out to their kin. They were both great Crooks and their absence will be felt for some time to come.


I am willing to take questions from the media. However, as this happened only a few hours ago, please have patience as many of the details are not yet available. That said, let’s begin…. Jim?


Jim Harwood (Washington Examiner):
Hi Tim, I was wondering if you could lay out the timeline of the events for us?

Snyder:
Sure. Call time for practice was 2:00 PM. The team arrived at 2:04. At 2:07, Lovell and Pappas were the first to enter the pitch, which appeared a bit muddy. At 2:15, the remaining team members present went to enter the pitch but saw no signs of Lovell or Pappas. Then, the team contacted police and evacuated the area. We received word at 2:25 from authorities that Pappas and Lovell had expired and the cause of death appeared to be asphyxiation by quicksand. Don?

Donald Oliver (Washington Post):
Tim, I heard some rumors that practice continued after the field was evacuated, can you confirm or deny this?

Snyder
: Absolutely, Don. After it was determined that Pappas and Lovell had sunk, we decided that the field was no longer playable so we moved practice to another facility.

Oliver
: Who made that decision, you?

Snyder
: No, all three captains were present and we voted. [Defender Katie] Horgan was also there and we gave her a vote as well. It was a secret ballot, but I can say that we had to employ the services of a homeless man to settle the tie.

Oliver
: How is that even legal?

Snyder:
It was mostly a procedural vote so we didn't want to be too strict. He had the shirt on, we didn’t ask for ID. We just assumed we hadn’t seen [Utilityman Mike] Huling in a while, and we didn’t want to offend him. Next, uh… Gloria?

Gloria Holmes (Guns and Ammo)
: Thanks, Tim, and I’m sorry for your loss.

Snyder
: Thank you.

Holmes
: I was wondering why the delay from when the dead people stepped onto the pitch and sunk and when you realized what had happened to them.

Snyder
: Yes, well. I guess there is no point in keeping this secret anymore. Pappas and Lovell, we believe, were romantically linked for some time. The prevailing assumption as the investigation into their disappearance began was that the two had run off into the nearby woods for some, let’s call it, pre-game stretching.

Holmes
: So how did you realize that they had instead perished by way of quicksand?

Snyder
: Well, the cries for help and screaming that we had previously ignored while suiting up, upon reflection appeared to be a bit more frantic than what we have come to expect from that situation based on past experience. Mike?

Michael Eubanks (Guitar Player)
: How did the team handle the events today? Are they ok?

Snyder
: Yes. They’re doing as well as to be expected. Any time you have to deal with this kind of situation it is difficult. Ben [Hoefs, captain] is hurting and [captain Joanne] Breznay and Horgan are a bit shook up. I have some pain in my neck and back. It was tough for us to switch fields from the relatively flat field we are used to, to a field that resembled our old days at Petworth. It was full of potholes, pinecones and moose-sized dogs. I really hope we don’t have to go through that again but we are amateur professionals and this is our reality with which we have to deal, every day. You think you know, but you have no i--

Eubanks: [Interrupting] Tim, I mean how did they deal with the deaths of their teammates?

Snyder
: I think you’re over-dramatizing this Mike. We’re a bit banged up, but I think we’re all going to survive. No one’s died from a twisted ankle. I mean there was that one time, but we all thought Corcoran was faking… and we admitted we were wrong there.

No more questions for today. Thanks, guys.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

So.. anybody looking for a new roommate?

Unknown said...

Thank god too - they both sucked pretty bad and were bringing the team down.