Friday, January 9, 2009

New Year's Resolutions, Crook Style - Part 6: Amy Aubin

Next up in the interview series is rock solid defender, Amy Aubin. Unfortunately we were unable to lock Amy down for a face-to-face interview in DC and therefore had to settle for a phone conversation as she carried out an audit in Festus, Missouri.

El Campo: Good afternoon, Amy. How are things in Festus?
Amy Aubin: Pretty good, all things considered. (fumbling the phone) Sorry, I’m driving.
EC: No problem. Rough day of audits?
AA: No. I’m in Festus. And these goddamn people don’t know how to drive their tractors. Why are they driving tractors on the road anyway?? (loud horn-blowing) GOOOOOOOOOOO!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!! SERIOUSLY, YOU’RE GOING 7 MILES PER HOUR!!! 7!!!!!
EC: Is everything ok? We can reschedule the interview…
AA: No, no, I’m sorry, everything’s fine.. this guy is just going- oh my god, he’s now slowed to 6 MILES PER HOUR!!!! (shouting expletives) Sorry about that. He’s not speeding up. It looks like I have ‘plenty’ of time to do an interview, that’s all.
EC: That sounds awful. Well, anyway, we’ll continue then. So, as you know, El Campo is interviewing each of the Crooks to find out their 2009 Resolutions. Do you have any?
AA: Yea, I have a couple resolutions. Right now my goal is to get out this godforsaken hellhole and back to civilization BEFORE MY 80TH BIRTHDAY!
EC: ha ha… that would be nice.. But actually I was looking more for resolutions pertaining to the team.
AA: Right. You know, I hadn’t really thought about it. I suppose I could try to make it to a practice once in a while before my teammates start calling me ‘Dorothy’. But, nah, let’s be a little more practical… let’s see… I guess my goal for the year could be to take the title of ‘most hangover caps’. Yea – that sounds like it could work… is that what you were looking for?
EC: Well, not exactly—
AA: Cuz I could do it. Easy. I may have some competition from Tim when Alexis leaves... and from Ben around Oktoberfest season, but I really think I can take it this year. I can even- WHY ARE YOU STOPPING!!! NOO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! THERE’S NO STOP SIGN HERE, THERE’S NO TRAFFIC! WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF F***ING NOWHERE!!! WHY ARE YOU STOPPING!?!?!?!
EC: (switching phone to other ear) Amy? Everything alright?
AA: Sorry, I’m gonna have to let you go. I gotta go have a word with Farmer Bob here- YEA I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SH- (*click* phone is disconnected)

EC: (hanging up) I swear we have that exact same conversation every time we talk.


Check back soon for some fightin’ words from Mike Huling!

3 comments:

Bennji said...

you think that's bad? you should hear her at work ;o

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

hahaha... LOVE IT! The crazy thing is I've actually drove down 55 through Festus, MO.