(WASHINGTON, DC) - Despite unparalleled success on the pitch last session (culminating in a staggering 4-4 record) District Sports’ soccer super team the K Street Crooks made its members less available than ever to the media. Worried that loyal Crooks fans were being cut off from their beloved team, ECdP launched a full-scale investigation.
ECdP staff first investigated rumors that captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu had perished in a tragic plane crash in rural Nevada while investigating possible locations for a new pitch. Thankfully, these rumors turned out to be entirely unfounded, apparently having confused Dimbiloglu with 63 year old American aviator, sailor, and adventurer Steve Fossett.
When tracked down, Dimbiloglu instead characterized his absence as a cons
equence of the team’s success. “It was easy to keep the stories flowing when we were losing,” he said. “I mean, come on, it wasn’t like I was going to go out and celebrate much.” Now, he said, things are much different, “It’s almost annoying. Every time I step out of my apartment I’m mobbed by swarms of beautiful women wanting me to sign autographs, give them a kiss, father their children. I enjoy blogging, but I’m a nice guy. You can’t do anything for yourself until everyone else is satisfied.”
Goalie Tim Snyder reported similar problems: “Yeah I can see that. Every time I went out I had to stop and sign at least three chicks’ cleavage. Every time I turned on my computer my email inbox was full of propositions and naked pictures. I’d love to blog again, but with all that attention, [girlfriend and Crooks defender] Alexis won’’t let me out of our bathroom. You’re actually the first person I’ve spoken to in almost two weeks. I’m so lonely. And I’m starting to lose all pigmentat... Quick get out of here! She’ll be back soon! It’s almost time for cooking class.”
Some members of the team provided different reasons for the media blackout. “Well,” said forward Tim Malacarne, “even since Mustafa died in that plane crash, it’s been hard. I just can’t muster that same joy I used to have.” When informed that he, too, was confusing Dimbiloglu with Steve Fossett, Malacarne expressed surprise and relief. He then asked if the captain was in fact still alive, why the heck did the team go to all the trouble to find a replacement Turk and call him by the same name? ECdP was unable to answer this question and Malacarne brusquely ended the interview.
While none of Crooks could provide concrete promises that they would be more available to the press, it is believed that their Fall Session opening 1-3 loss to former bottom-dweller Sarah McElhinney's Fantastic Team will provide them with more time to pursue journalistic pursuits.
ECdP staff first investigated rumors that captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu had perished in a tragic plane crash in rural Nevada while investigating possible locations for a new pitch. Thankfully, these rumors turned out to be entirely unfounded, apparently having confused Dimbiloglu with 63 year old American aviator, sailor, and adventurer Steve Fossett.
When tracked down, Dimbiloglu instead characterized his absence as a cons
equence of the team’s success. “It was easy to keep the stories flowing when we were losing,” he said. “I mean, come on, it wasn’t like I was going to go out and celebrate much.” Now, he said, things are much different, “It’s almost annoying. Every time I step out of my apartment I’m mobbed by swarms of beautiful women wanting me to sign autographs, give them a kiss, father their children. I enjoy blogging, but I’m a nice guy. You can’t do anything for yourself until everyone else is satisfied.”Goalie Tim Snyder reported similar problems: “Yeah I can see that. Every time I went out I had to stop and sign at least three chicks’ cleavage. Every time I turned on my computer my email inbox was full of propositions and naked pictures. I’d love to blog again, but with all that attention, [girlfriend and Crooks defender] Alexis won’’t let me out of our bathroom. You’re actually the first person I’ve spoken to in almost two weeks. I’m so lonely. And I’m starting to lose all pigmentat... Quick get out of here! She’ll be back soon! It’s almost time for cooking class.”
Some members of the team provided different reasons for the media blackout. “Well,” said forward Tim Malacarne, “even since Mustafa died in that plane crash, it’s been hard. I just can’t muster that same joy I used to have.” When informed that he, too, was confusing Dimbiloglu with Steve Fossett, Malacarne expressed surprise and relief. He then asked if the captain was in fact still alive, why the heck did the team go to all the trouble to find a replacement Turk and call him by the same name? ECdP was unable to answer this question and Malacarne brusquely ended the interview.
While none of Crooks could provide concrete promises that they would be more available to the press, it is believed that their Fall Session opening 1-3 loss to former bottom-dweller Sarah McElhinney's Fantastic Team will provide them with more time to pursue journalistic pursuits.
1 comment:
To clarify, the real cleavage that prevented me from writing a blog entry was Mustafa's on that YouTube video. I still can't see.
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