How They Spent Their Summer Vacation

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Numerous curious readers have written in to El Campo de Petworth recently, asking how their on pitch heroes passed the three weekends of inaction that they themselves found so painful. Given this blog’s steadfast commitment to giving its readers what they need, ECdP decided to find out what went on in the lives of these crack athletes. After a series of extensive interviews, we found that they occupied their time as follows:

Mustafa – Strutted around in Turkish nationalist spandex.

Tim Snyder – Blocked traffic, checkout lanes, crosswalks, hallways, etc.

Alexis - Checked 16 Hanson concert venues, 2 Hanson brothers off of life list.

Logan – Created numerous spreadsheets of impressive length.

Jon – Made mixed martial arts debut. Outpointed by Vitor "Shaolin" Ribeiro.

Ben – Attended Baywatch Fantasy Life Guarding Camp in puzzlingly-landlocked Berlin, Germany. Traded “e” in last name for an apostrophe.

Mark – 26 day bender. Shower.

Dorothy – Thought up excuses for not coming to games during September.

Justin – Cooked, cleaned, waxed floors, gave massages, dusted, washed clothes, moved furniture, talked to friendly mice.

Amy – Fanned herself, asked Justin to find her missing shoe.

Joanne – Sex.

Mike – Unknown, but done with 110% hustle.

Eric – Play with the ol’bocce balls a little bit.

Tim Malacarne – Practiced. Made fun of Mustafa. Practiced making fun of Mustafa.