Seven Against Mutts: Crooks Defend Top of Table

Dark clouds rolled in over Capitol Hill Sunday, seemingly foreshadowing the end of the Crooks’ surprise undefeated season. Abandoned by their captain and the majority of his handpicked minions, the Crooks were only able to field a full team due to the last minute arrivals of Mike Huling and Logan Kendall. As the lone seven stood looking across the field at the countless multitudes of Blue Mutts, they could have been forgiven if they had fallen to the ground and curled up in the fetal position. But wait! They did not! Well, Logan kind of did, but it turned out that he was just trying frantically to tie his shoes before the opening whistle.

The game began no more promisingly for the Crooks the signs portended. The Mutts surged forward with a rabid hunger for goal and pushed our heroes back into their box. Right when the Crooks appeared to be ready to go under, the attack of Mutts broke against immovable rock of the Snyder-Hulling-Breznay-Snyder defense. Soon the Crooks were counterattacking and Kendall with accompanying forwards Tony Pappas and Tim Malacarne were testing the Mutts defense for a change.

Despite a number of clear chances, the Crooks were unable to score in the first half. Each time a player lined up a shot, the ball would inevitably hit a bump in the field and carom wildly in an unexpected direction. This led to a halftime discussion as to whether or not Capitol Hill’s field was actually worse than Petworth’s. Pappas claimed it was, while T. Snyder defended it, citing its distinct lack of broken glass and discarded batteries.

The second half started off much like the first, with Malacarne missing a lunging tap in at the far post. The team soon looked to be in a perilous position, as while they seemed to possess an advantage in skill, the forwards were noticeably tiring from their endless running. With ten minutes to go, however, Pappas recovered possession and slipped a pass to Malacarne at the penalty spot. His shot was deflected by the onrushing Mutts goalie, but in the mad scrum to clear the ball he managed to hook it past a defender and into the goal.

The razor thin lead made for a harrowing last 10 minutes, as the Mutts threw everything they had into the attack in an attempt to level the score. Their best chance came with just moments remaining when a shot flashed toward the far post. Time slowed down as the ball continued its inevitable march toward the net. At the last possible instant, though, it met the fingertips of a diving Tim Snyder who tipped it just past the post.

As the final seconds ticked away, Snyder would continue to exhibit what nearly everyone present would call exemplary sportsmanship as he ran after every Mutts’ shot in order return the ball to play as quickly as possible even though his team had the lead and at least half of it looked ready to collapse. “Tim’s such a good sport,” Pappas was quoted as saying between gasps for air, “that I want to punch him in the face.”

When asked where the team was able to summon such bravery and resolve to triumph over vastly superior numbers, Huling cited the example of the famous 300 Spartans at the Battle of Thermoplyae. “King Leonidas led his men against even greater odds,” he said, “and while technically our King Leonidas didn’t even show up today, we all have really great abs, so, umm, that helped.”

Alexis Horn followed up on this point by remarking, “Mmmmmm those Spartan abs…”

Still, not all was happy in Crooks land. An unidentified team member, speaking to ECdP with the understanding that he would be referred to only as “Tim,” openly questioned the transfer policy of captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. “I just don’t know,” he was quoted as saying from a shadowy corner with his face obscured, “if it was a good idea to cut a bunch of reliable, enthusiastic players when you yourself are only going to come to games where you can just cherrypick in hopes of scoring a goal in front of your mom.”

Joanne Breznay defended her captain. “I know a lot of people are down on Mustafa for apparently totally abandoning the team, but it isn’t as simple as it looks. The original 300 Spartans were wiped out when someone betrayed them. Mustafa may not have come today, thus leaving us huffing and puffing and desperately hanging on, but at least he didn’t show up this week then betray us,” she opined. “He hasn’t done that since he took all the Google ad revenue from the blog to Grande-size his Taco Bell order.”

While controversy lingers as it may, the Crooks remain undefeated, and our seven courageous heroes will return next week to do battle once more. Well, all except Tim and Alexis. The overwhelmingly homoerotic subtext of the Sparta metaphor got to be too much for them and they’ve decided to sit the next one out.