K STREET WINS MIGHTILY OVER SENIORS

Crooks Roll On in Front of Families, Turks

The K Street Crooks defeated a much older series of opponents this week, something like 6-1. Jumping to a quick 3-0 lead, the Crooks pushed perennial defenders Alexis Horn and Mustafa Dimbiloglu forward. "Their parents were there this game and we really wanted to let them score one to make their mommas proud," said former forward Mark Corcoran. "That and I was terribly terribly hungover. Damn Cinco de Mayo/Kentucky Derby parties...OOOH, a helicopter!" The two promotees failed to score despite a number of chance, although Dimbiloglu did tally an assist. "I pride myself on being a team player but that wasn't a pass," the captain said of his assist, "that fu$%er [forward Tim Malacarne] took the goal from me. I'll cut him, I swear to God." Dimbiloglu then announced that he will be sitting out of the next two matches in protest.

The Crooks played in front of a standing-room-only crowd at the Capitol Hill Pitch. A contingent from the Turkish Embassy was in attendence, apparently scouting for talent. "We didn't see any must-sign's here today. Ekrem let us down," said the Turkish scout said through a translator, "and he let Ataturk down too." Dimbiloglu was seen after the game forfeiting his passport to the Turkish officials. Among the fans was also defender Alexis Horn's mom, the aptly named Mrs. Horn. She was a ball of nerves that exploded into a guttural "OH YEAAAAAH" when Alexis took out a defender in the 20th minute. "BRING ON THE PAAAAIN," she was heard screaming.

Joining the team for the first (and decidedly the last) time was Charlotte Gordon. Playing stellar defense in a tough match, Gordon blocked two shots, one of which left an enduring mark of triumph on her inner right thigh. "I couldn't be more pleased," said boyfriend/forward Tim Malacarne, "it's like you've combined two of my favorite things in one place!" Malacarne's smile dimmed the next day, as he was informed the comment yielded him a $500 fine from the league for indecency and a 15 hour shopping spree/cuddle-a-thon/chick flick sentence from Gordon. "People ask, 'was it worth it?' And I say, was it worth it for Leo to throw that red headed chick into the iceberg to save the ship? I think so...."

The team looks to remain undefeated this weekend versus some team at some time on a schedule that I don't have open right now.