ARLINGTON, VA: The K Street Crooks held a press conference today from atop the Cap Hill Table to announce a new statistics incentive program for the team. "I noticed a lot of people were yawning during last week's test, despite the excitement of [defender Amber] Lovell's brain injury, so we decided to spice it up," said goalie Tim Snyder. The team will introduce two new statistics categories this week and then one more per week for the remainder of the season.
Retroactive to last week, the Crooks introduced the Moose Award, sponsored by Safeway Cupcake Cakes, given to the player who best personified the team's captain emeritus. Inaugural recipient, Tony Pappas, was recognized for missing the game claiming that he underestimated how far away Mount Vernon was. "This reminded us a lot of the times Moose would miss games to get to audits four days early saying he forgot about soccer," read the team's statement. "It also raises questions as to what a man of his machissimo was doing at a place such as Mt. Vernon." The team will vote after each game on the award. The winner of the most Mooses, at the end of the season, will be presented with a five-gallon drum of green frosting.
New this week, the Pinkos will begin tallying Goalazzos in honor of Tim "Fauxhawk" Malacarne, its former forward. "This is to most certainly include goals scored by headers, but also other goals scored by unconventional means." The leader in this stat at the end of the season will get some hair gel, or a small dog.
"This shows that the team that first brought you the hung-over cap is not going to rest on their creativity," said Jackie Child, professor of recreational sports and law at Southeastern University. "I'll be excited to see what they come up with next." The team plays the 11 AM test this Sunday versus the third ranked Shrimp Diablos.
Retroactive to last week, the Crooks introduced the Moose Award, sponsored by Safeway Cupcake Cakes, given to the player who best personified the team's captain emeritus. Inaugural recipient, Tony Pappas, was recognized for missing the game claiming that he underestimated how far away Mount Vernon was. "This reminded us a lot of the times Moose would miss games to get to audits four days early saying he forgot about soccer," read the team's statement. "It also raises questions as to what a man of his machissimo was doing at a place such as Mt. Vernon." The team will vote after each game on the award. The winner of the most Mooses, at the end of the season, will be presented with a five-gallon drum of green frosting.
New this week, the Pinkos will begin tallying Goalazzos in honor of Tim "Fauxhawk" Malacarne, its former forward. "This is to most certainly include goals scored by headers, but also other goals scored by unconventional means." The leader in this stat at the end of the season will get some hair gel, or a small dog.
"This shows that the team that first brought you the hung-over cap is not going to rest on their creativity," said Jackie Child, professor of recreational sports and law at Southeastern University. "I'll be excited to see what they come up with next." The team plays the 11 AM test this Sunday versus the third ranked Shrimp Diablos.
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