On Sunday, Everyone was a Loser (nay, Winner)
Arlington, VA (September 7): The K Street Crooks took on the K Street Crooks Sunday in an epic battle on Sunday at the Courthouse Pitch. The team won, defeating itself 6-5 in a close match. The White Crooks were an equal match for the Non-White Crooks but ultimately lost in the "Next Goal Wins Before We All Throw-Up" scenario. New to FIFA laws this year, the "Next Goal or Puke" replaces previous game deciding methods including the Golden Goal and the Endless String of Shootouts.
"We haven't seen this level of non-white on white violence since probably the Milli Vanillli Riots of 1990," said famed Sociology Professor (to be) Tim Malacarne. Those riots, in which five died and three were injured, crippled most of Western Europe as teenie boppers and male models reacted to the news that star pop duo Milli Vanilli were frauds. "Today," forward Tony Pappas said, "we were defined not by our skills, but by the color of our shirts. I think this is what MLK would have wanted." When asked why the team had to split along color lines, Pappas said "the alternative, proposed by Amber [Lovell, defender] was just too crass." Pappas would not elaborate on what Lovell's alternative was but sources indicate it was some sort of "shirts v. skins" or "clothing optional" type game.
The most shocking tidbit of terror was when Non-White Forward Logan Kendall was impeded by White Defender Katie Horgan a mere 7 yards after he played the ball. "It was all my fault," said Katie Horgan, who has missed the first two Crooks games, "these bruises I'll carry as a reminder to not get within 10 yards of Logan in a manner much more compelling than that silly restraining order my sweetheart [Kendall] gave me for my birthday last year." Perhaps surprisingly to Crook fans, defender Amber Lovell emerged unscathed. "Eventhough [perpetual maimer and Goalie Tim] Snyder and I were on the same side, I swore he was going to kick me in the face at least three times today." Someone that looked a lot like Snyder but speaking off the record said that Lovell was spared "for one week and one week only" so she'd let her guard down.
Kendall and Non-White Stand-in Danny took turns in the net for the Colored Crooks, giving Starting Keeper Tim Snyder a break. "It was nice to play out," said Snyder, who had a goal in the first minute and then spent the rest of the match containing his lunch somewhere in the mid-esophageal region. "I got to pay people back for indoor by not coming back on 4-1 breakaways." Snyder, purple faced and burping markedly, was heard on the pitch muttering, "that'll (gasp) learn ya," after his keeper took a particularly brutal shelling by 4 White Crooks in the 30th Minute.
The White Crooks, led by Ben Hoefs and Tony Pappas put on an offensive clinic for the packed crowd of four, strewn on a nearby picnic table. They kicked countless balls over the net, in true Crook fashion, including successfully rocketing several bending corner kicks into the exoatmosphere. "Spring höher!" yelled German Import and Forward Ben Hoefs at the 5-foot-something Horgan. Horgan told El Campo after the game that had she been able to speak German, she would have of course jumped the 200 feet to head the service into the net. "I was really just waiting for a cue." "She better study up," said Hoefs, "we can't be having this kind of communication breakdown next Sunday."
The team, in the middle of a transition to the German Language, will start speaking the Deutsch in its next matchup to scare the opponents. A source in the league office stated off the record that teams likely would not be scared by the new language skills of the Crooks. "More likely, they'll be intimidated by what their new forward Stefan has done to these poor Shar-peis. I mean who's going to adopt those dogs now? My kids want a dog bad too, but I'd just as soon bring home a rat from behind Baja Fresh for them to nuzzle with. Sehr nauseating."
The team, second in the table, returns to action bravely after a dangerous hurricane rocked the region, taking on the #11 Geezers at 3:00 PM. Tickets are available at the box office or by calling Ticketmaster at (617) 931-2000. SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! BE THERE!
"We haven't seen this level of non-white on white violence since probably the Milli Vanillli Riots of 1990," said famed Sociology Professor (to be) Tim Malacarne. Those riots, in which five died and three were injured, crippled most of Western Europe as teenie boppers and male models reacted to the news that star pop duo Milli Vanilli were frauds. "Today," forward Tony Pappas said, "we were defined not by our skills, but by the color of our shirts. I think this is what MLK would have wanted." When asked why the team had to split along color lines, Pappas said "the alternative, proposed by Amber [Lovell, defender] was just too crass." Pappas would not elaborate on what Lovell's alternative was but sources indicate it was some sort of "shirts v. skins" or "clothing optional" type game.
The most shocking tidbit of terror was when Non-White Forward Logan Kendall was impeded by White Defender Katie Horgan a mere 7 yards after he played the ball. "It was all my fault," said Katie Horgan, who has missed the first two Crooks games, "these bruises I'll carry as a reminder to not get within 10 yards of Logan in a manner much more compelling than that silly restraining order my sweetheart [Kendall] gave me for my birthday last year." Perhaps surprisingly to Crook fans, defender Amber Lovell emerged unscathed. "Eventhough [perpetual maimer and Goalie Tim] Snyder and I were on the same side, I swore he was going to kick me in the face at least three times today." Someone that looked a lot like Snyder but speaking off the record said that Lovell was spared "for one week and one week only" so she'd let her guard down.
Kendall and Non-White Stand-in Danny took turns in the net for the Colored Crooks, giving Starting Keeper Tim Snyder a break. "It was nice to play out," said Snyder, who had a goal in the first minute and then spent the rest of the match containing his lunch somewhere in the mid-esophageal region. "I got to pay people back for indoor by not coming back on 4-1 breakaways." Snyder, purple faced and burping markedly, was heard on the pitch muttering, "that'll (gasp) learn ya," after his keeper took a particularly brutal shelling by 4 White Crooks in the 30th Minute.
The White Crooks, led by Ben Hoefs and Tony Pappas put on an offensive clinic for the packed crowd of four, strewn on a nearby picnic table. They kicked countless balls over the net, in true Crook fashion, including successfully rocketing several bending corner kicks into the exoatmosphere. "Spring höher!" yelled German Import and Forward Ben Hoefs at the 5-foot-something Horgan. Horgan told El Campo after the game that had she been able to speak German, she would have of course jumped the 200 feet to head the service into the net. "I was really just waiting for a cue." "She better study up," said Hoefs, "we can't be having this kind of communication breakdown next Sunday."
The team, in the middle of a transition to the German Language, will start speaking the Deutsch in its next matchup to scare the opponents. A source in the league office stated off the record that teams likely would not be scared by the new language skills of the Crooks. "More likely, they'll be intimidated by what their new forward Stefan has done to these poor Shar-peis. I mean who's going to adopt those dogs now? My kids want a dog bad too, but I'd just as soon bring home a rat from behind Baja Fresh for them to nuzzle with. Sehr nauseating."
The team, second in the table, returns to action bravely after a dangerous hurricane rocked the region, taking on the #11 Geezers at 3:00 PM. Tickets are available at the box office or by calling Ticketmaster at (617) 931-2000. SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! BE THERE!
2 comments:
While T Snyder's reporting is usually beyond reproach, this blog is having a Shattered Glass moment. While the real player who suggested the no-clothing option will remain nameless, sources say the players name rhymes with Mony Tappas.
ps - I am reporting Stefan to animal cruelty authorities
As a lesson to us all never imped Logan, unless you would like a nice trip to the emergency room where the doctors stare in amazement as you explain to them how you got the concussion that have just diagnosed you with
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