K Street Crooks Go For Gold

In the opening game of the fall season, the K Street Crooks set out to prove that last season’s district dominance was no fluke. In the first game of pool play, the Crooks played the Thunder Pigeons. This team lived up to their name by providing a lot of noise, while posing no actual threat - and more than one player seemed to be a vector of infectious disease. In a score reminiscent of the USA v. Mali Basketball match up, the Crooks scored six unanswered goals.

The District Dream Team consisted of forwards Tim “baby giraffe” Malcarne, Logan “calves” Kendall, Stefan “the boss” Georg, and Matt “Logan’s friend” X. Malcarne leaped his way to three goals, while Kendall and Georg scored one a piece. The sixth goal came as a member of the Thunder Pigeons accidentally forgot which team he played on. The defense proved and impenetrable wall against the Mongol herds. Defenders Joanne “barra” Breznay, Justin “the tank” Sargent, Amy “the enforcer” Aubin, Amber “the wall” Lovell and Mike “ironman” Huling not only shut out the opponent but gave them precious few chances to take a shot on goal thus proving the team mantra – when you mess with the red, you’ll wish you were dead.

Spurred on by overwhelming patriotism, Malcarne journeyed from Connecticut in an attempt to match Michael Phelps gold medal count in goals scored. While he fell short of the eight goal mark, Malcarne scored an impressive three goals in his return to the pitch. Defender and co-captain Joanne Breznay noted the reason for the disparity in numbers between Phelps and Malcarne – “Listen, I am not saying that Tim is out of shape or anything but did you see the abs on Phelps? There is no way Tim could live up to that – I mean the most goals he could score with those abs is about 4…5 max.” When asked to respond to this comment Malcarne was found crouched in the fetal position. While this reporter was reticent to intrude on another person’s anguish, “I eat because I am depressed and am depressed because I eat” was faintly discernible between sobs.

In a stunning lack of sportsmanship, the tattooed thunder pigeons did resort to some dirty tactics in order to gain an advantage. An unnamed player who will be referred to as Ike Turner, mistakenly believed that screaming and physical intimidation could compensate for a lack of talent. Ike went so far as to push Malcarne and Sargent to the ground. The fall of Sargent sent shock waves through the Crooks lines; Lovell went pale as a sheet, noting “if he can take down the tank, I fear for Jo and I – one shot like that and we will be in traction for three months.” However, the professional Crooks could not be deterred by such actions and channeled their rage into goals scored.

After the win, Pigeon named Bruce Springsteen (aka Stefan Georg) sang the national anthem. While this moniker was clearly a pejorative to the winged rats, Springsteen is the only boss this reporter listens to. The opposing team was clearly distracted by the neon green headband and left speechless when Georg almost completed a bicycle kick.

In their triumphant return to the pitch, the Crooks sent their competition the way of the carrier pigeon.