BREAKING NEWS: Team Raid Gains Control of Rogue Elements

Operation CONSTANTINOPLE Yields Assets, Women

Fairfax, VA - In a stunning turn of events, team leadership wrested control of El Campo de Petworth and other team assets, including the team yacht The Dimbilgoalu Tuesday, bringing a largely peaceful end to the month-long siege first reported here.

Elements of the new team, led by former German commando Ben Hoefs (left), stormed the chateaus of both former captain Mustafa Ekrem Dimbiloglu and former striker/co-conspirator Tim Malacarne at 6:45AM. "We heard that Ekrem was en route to his new hideout in East Lansing today and that Malacarne was returning to town tonight from trusted sources," a team spokesman said today in a press conference. "We didn't have much time. We decided to act on that intelligence and I'm proud to report that Operation CONSTANTINOPLE was a resounding success."

The operation, run under the cover of darkness, was executed simultaneously across two time zones, the team reported. But it wasn't perfect: CONSTANTINOPLE was almost aborted due to navigation failures. "We weren't aware that [Dimbiloglu's] hideout in Michigan does not appear on any maps," said a source close to the operation. "It was like the Unabomber out there."

"We're very proud of Ben's team. We're working now to get everything back up and running. There were some uh... displaced women on the boat that needed to be escorted off. They were turned over to local authorities," said the spokesman. The identities of the women, a few of whom were wearing melon K Street jerseys, or their purpose on the boat, were not available at press time. "That [inaudible] owes me money," one screamed while being escorted into a waiting paddywagon.

El Campo announced this afternoon that they will be accepting applications for new reporters beginning today. Applications can be sent to Tim Snyder or left here in the comments section.