Crooks Ready for Fall, Competition - Not So Much

K Street makes final preparations for defense of their title

WASHINGTON - The defending Capitol Hill League Champion K Street Crooks announced their final roster this afternoon. The 13-man Pink Army begins the 2008 Fall campaign in two weeks and are looking fitter than ever.

The Crooks have added some old faces and some new faces in an attempt to patch the holes in their offense (left by Tim Malacarne), their defense (left by Alexis Horn) and their hearts (left by Mustafa Dimbiloglu). "It's like a plane crash, " said Ben Hoefs at a press conference Wednesday, "Will the team ever be the same? No. But can we pull it together, get some new faces - perhaps Matthew McConaughey - and make something out of our loss. Absoultely. We are K Street."

The team resigned former defenders Katie Horgan and Amber Lovell in a surprise move last month. The two were cut last season and formed a splinter team called F.C. K Street, best known for its missing vowel. Lovell then formed a vitriolic blog where she posted terrible things including exposing Ben Hoefs and Tim Malacarne as cross-dressers. "Certainly we were not happy with the lack of professionalism from her end after the split," said goalkeeper and tri-captain Tim Snyder, "but we need someone on the backline who can take a beating. We weren't sure if it was her, but after kicking her and knocking her down in practice for three weeks straight, I'm convinced."

The team also signed two new forwards, Stefan Georg and Andrew (brother of Mark) Corcoran. Both were instrumental in the team's final two victories last season. "My brother has always wanted to be like me," said forward Mark Corcoran, "and when I saw he had made his own K Street jersey out of what appeared to be parts of several traffic cones, I knew we had to sign him up. You can't teach heart like that."

The Crooks will start in an awkward position though, with two starters suspended for at least two weeks. Snyder was suspended on Monday for dissent by former captain Dimbiloglu after a scathing post about his white-knuckle grip on power. "I really thought he didn't have the power. But then, the Zabita (Turkish black market police) showed up at my door and said I didn't have a license to write all that and they served me with a two-game suspension," explained Snyder, "it was all I could do not to curse Ataturk."

Katie Horgan will also miss at least two games after being imprisoned indefinitely for her role in the Republican filibuster antics last week. "Energy is a really important issue for me, especially given how much oil the Granite State produces every year. And when the Democrats shut the lights off on us, well hoowee. I was madder than John Ashcroft at a Las Vegas showgirl convention." Horgan was arrested after exorcising her anger on a nearby Capitol Hill Police Officer.

The Crooks schedule should be released next week and will be posted right here for everyone to see. K Street will scrimmage this Sunday at 10:30 at the Courthouse Pitch. All are welcome.