Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Crooks Beat Heat, Sweaty People

Arrival of subs late in first half brings joy, heat stroke

By Tim and Tim, Senior (Only) Writers

The K Street Crooks defeated the Toodle-oo Adu's on Sunday, 2-0, amid heat indexes topping 100 degrees. The team played the first half without subs and with a rented goalie after a scheduling error delayed three defenders and the starting goalkeeper. "We drove as fast as we could," said defender/bus driver Justin Sargent. "The whole time we were thinking about how we could make it up to the Crooks we abandoned. But then when we got out of the car, all we were thinking was "Goddamn, it's hot out here."

The already present Crooks welcomed their teammates arrival by not punching them in the face. Joanne Breznay summed up this token of the team's appreciation, saying "Well, we probably would have, but by then we were too exhausted. It was really hot."

Crook Forward Tony Pappas broke his scoring slump in the first half, poking a loose ball in the penalty area right past the sweaty keeper. "It was great. I saw the ball right in the open there and I just thought to myself 'it's freaking hot out here.'"

Utilityman Jon Carpenter was a force to be reckoned with in the midfield during the second half. "He was everywhere," said netminder Snyder, "There were balls that I didn't think anyone was going to get to in time and I was thinking 'man, I think I'm boiling alive' and then in comes Carpenter to clear it and I just thought 'dear God, is this what hell feels like?' Oh, and for some reason, I really wanted a turkey leg."

Forward Tim Malacarne vaulted to the top of the scoring table in the second half putting a beautiful ball in the lower right through the legs of the sunburned goalie. "I saw that ball go in," said Forward Logan Kendall, "and I was just thinking 'is two goals enough for a mercy rule? Because I don't have any sweat left. Unless my sweat can sweat...." "That goal was a Godsend for all of us," said defender Alexis Horn after the game, "it really iced the win." "WHO SAID ICE?!?" screamed Pappas from the field.

While he managed to pad his personal statistics, Malacarne clearly suffered some ill effects from his efforts Sunday. Feeling poorly later that night, the forward decided he was unable to go to work on time the next morning. El Campo de Petworth has managed to obtain the actual email where he attempts to communicate this fact to his boss:

from tim.malacarne@gmail.com
to ckelly@gmail.com (Ed: not her email address)
date Mon, Jun 9, 2008 at 2:50 AM
subject Sick dau (Ed: not a word)

Dear Cindy,
I seem to have some sort of colror passing day. Talk to you sson,
Tim

Experts are still trying to determine exactly what the hell he was talking about.

Such exhaustion was clearly related to the fact that the team played without the services of three key players. Mike Huling, defender/midfielder, was in Kenya training for a 200 mile run. "Don't blame me," he said haughtily by telephone, "it was freaking hot there too." Forward Ben Hoefs, however, was sitting in an air conditioned apartment watching the Germans play in the Euro 2008. "At least it wasn't squash," he said. "That'd be inexcusable." The team apparently felt otherwise and signaled plans to bench him in favor of his brother. *

Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu spent the weekend in the Dominican Republic nursing a daquiri injury. The National Association of Bitch Drinks reported in a 2005 study that Turks in spandex are "particularly vulnerable" to daquiri injuries. The team was particularly unhappy with Dimbiloglu for flagrantly lying to Malacarne about the availability of the team water jug. The latter, along with Pappas, had offered to go out of their way to ensure that it was available. Dimbiloglu not only provided no assistance, he stalled their efforts until he could flee the country and thus render the container unreachable.

This deception brought long-boiling frustrations with the captain's leadership to a head and a vote of no confidence was called for during pre-game warmups. Captain aspirant Tim Snyder appeared to have finally achieved his long held goal of wresting control of the team from its Turkish leader. Snyder and his hand-picked posse failed to show up before halftime, however, and the six Crooks that were present failed to reach the necessary seven person quorum needed to impeach Dimbiloglu. "We missed a key opportunity by neglecting to recognize the fierce urgency of then," said Snyder's campain spokesman of the failed vote, "but we are the campaign of hope and we will not ignore the fierce urgency of now - or next Sunday."

The Crooks will undoubtedly be wearing their long-sleeved electric melon kits as they face the Crustacean Devils on Sunday at 1:00 PM. The weather is slated to be an icy 85 degrees.


* "OK," one anonymous team member was quoted as saying, "so it's not really a new plan..."

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Snyder talks a big game, but I think that the last game really shows the level of his dedication to the team. If we are going to get a new captain, we need to find one that is really dedicated. Like Joanne Breznay. Or Tony Pappas. Or that random guy the Crooks got to be goalie on Sunday. There's some dedication.

snydertm said...

Way to show some testicular fortitude there, anonymous.

Bennji said...

Sorry I missed the game, the German National Team flew me to sub for their first game vs. Poland. I wasn't needed, but I will be available for the Crooks this Sunday ... strutting new shoes; they're light, stronger, faster.

Wemby said...

Sorry to say it, Ben, but after Germany's showing against Poland, I have a feeling that if you can't break into that line-up I don't know if you're going to get the call for the undefeated Crooks. I mean, come on, Mark Corcoran is way better than Mark Gomez.