PITCH POINTS for JUNE 22-29, 2008

A Roundup of All Things K Street in Individual 100 Calorie Servings for the Diet-Conscious

• Defender/Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu and Forward Tim Malacarne were inducted into the K Street Block of Honor prior to last Sunday's game. Both, present since incorporation, were given signed soccer balls for their efforts. The pre-game presentation moved both to tears: Dimbiloglu shedding tears of pride; Malacarne tears of fury. Goalkeeper Tim Snyder, who presented the balls to the retiring Crooks, inaccurately said the match was the forward's last. According to team by-laws, the word of a Crook is infallible and binding, making Malacarne ineligible for the season's final two matches. Sources close to Malacarne told el Campo that he was considering "several options" ranging from name change, lawsuit and sex change.

• The worst defeat on Sunday did not come at the hands of the opposing team but rather a neighborhood bully. The unnamed minor, shown right, defeated Dimbiloglu in a staring contest during the first half. The pink leader attempted to soothe the pain of his loss with the final piece of watermelon given to the team by one-time Crook Defender Charlotte Gordon. The young tyrant took exception to this act, and the part where Mustafa stuck his tongue out at the child, and began to headbutt Dimbiloglu. The fearless leader quickly subbed back into the relative safety of the ongoing game, whereupon he immediately got into an altercation with an opposing striker. The Crooks surely will have a tough time filling the void left by this great leader.

• But, they will try. The Crooks announced a change in team governance in a statement released Friday. "Upon Dimbiloglu's departure, control of the team will revert to an unnamed Council of Elders who will guide the team into the future," the press release read. The new cadre, comprised largely of anonymous individuals, said they were "eager to return K Street to its traditional roots." In a response to a request for clarification from el Campo, the Council of Elders quickly corrected that they did not mean the previous tradition of winless seasons and double-digit defeats.

• Surely the first test of this new group's mettle will be its handling of a critical security breach. On Sunday, el Campo was tipped off that a key leader of a neo-Crook terrorist organization was filming the K Street sideline during the match. A team spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the damage from the breach would "likely be devastating" and force the team to return to "Square One." The team has contacted the office of DC Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton to examine the possibility of Congressional hearings on the issue. The team will likely now have to quickly readjust not only its set-pieces but its entire new-look offense. "It's unfortunate," said a confidential team source, "that offense yielded us a whopping zero points since we implemented it two games ago. I don't know how we can possibly improve on that type of productivity."

• Whether or not they can figure it out will be decided in the team's final two matches, announced Monday. The team faces Real Awesome (previously defeated 2-1) on July 13th at 4:00 and the K Street Knock Offs the following Sunday at 3:00. The Crooks will play both matches without the services of Tony Pappas (Turkish VD), Mustafa Dimbiloglu (Turkish Pastries), Alexis Horn (Turkish Celebrities) and Tim Snyder (Turkish Heat Exhaustion).