Crooks share dramatic draw with Pandas; 2/3 of team feared dead

In what can only be described as ‘a game for the ages’, the Crooks battled their way to a thrilling nil-nil tie this weekend versus Unatletico FC. If you’re reading this, and own a pink jersey, odds are you didn’t see it.

On a ridiculously perfect day for soccer, right down to the dew point, our pink-clad warriors began to assemble at Capitol Hill. As they laced up their boots, one question repeatedly came to mind: Where is everyone? Unatletico FC’ers were streaming into the field from all entrances, one blinding neon yellow jersey after another, while the number of Crooks in attendance held steady at just 5. (Granted they were the 5 most talented, attractive and overall most valuable Crooks, but still…) Cell phones, smoke signals, and various bird calls were all employed as futile attempts to locate those absent. We have no choice, dear readers, than to assume that those that did not show are, in fact, dead. Was it swine flu? Or did they all check the latest district sports standings and simply lose the will to live? It is a mystery.

All was not lost however. The remaining Crooks were blessed that afternoon - by angels in purple jerseys. Several Kung Fu Pandas, upon finishing a win of their own, graciously agreed to join the Crooks in their fight against their reflective opponent. The combination of pink, purple and neon on the field was a sight to behold. The level of play, too, was stunning. Striker Jim Olsen literally grew wings and flew around the field – both stymieing the opposition, and providing a pleasant breeze to his fellow teammates. “He’s like a same-age version of Logan Kendall” one fan remarked. Behind Jim was a pink line of defense that never backed down. With an imposing new goalie loaned in from the Pandas with striking brown eyes, the defenders were clearly out to impress. Lovell leveled at least 8 opponents (an ensuing investigation will likely turn up more), and Horgan tackled a dozen more with moves the Wachowski brothers can only dream of recreating.

Though no goals were tallied, it should be on record that the Crooks, against immeasurable odds, fought bravely and skillfully. Let's hope more Crooks are there next week to watch the show!

UPDATED SCHEDULE RELEASED

ARLINGTON: District Sports released an updated schedule to make up the two matches that were cancelled. The Crooks will play on the 21st and the 28th of June versus Unathletico and arch-rivals the Shrimp Diablos respectively. "We're looking forward to putting some shrimp on the barbie," former wunderkind Mustafa Dimbiloglu said in a press conference Tuesday afternoon. Above the chorus of loud groans and boos which resulted, Dimbiloglu screamed "Screw you. That joke kills in East Lansing." "Then why don't you go back there," a reporter (who looked a lot like Crook defender Amy Aubin) retorted as Dimbiloglu left the podium in tears.

REMAINING CROOK GAMES

Crooks "steal" another win

"The Crooks play best with 75degree weather and partly cloudy, with a 10% chance of rain" said #1 fan and long-time Crook video master Ms. Slingshot Seals. The Crooks knocked in two early goals and sailed through the rest of the game, finishing after 50 minutes with a 3-0 win. The Kung Fu Pandas were battle-hardened pros who were using every strategy to find a hole in the Crooks Defense. However, the Crook D was almost impregnable, even using offsides traps several times to discourage the Panda Strikers. Even when a hole was found, keeper Kevin flew left and right through the air to keep the ball out of the net. Several of his saves can be seen on SportsCenter's Top 10 this morning. With the Crook's confidence increasing steadily over the season, we can expect more greatness from the Defending Champions.
Stats:
Goal 2' : Ben Assist: N/A
Goal 5' : Tony (Goalazzo) Assist: Ben
Bonecrusher 7' : Amber
Goal 45': Ben Assist: Logan

Missing info:
Hangover Caps:
Moose award:

In other Crooks News: International Sensation and former Crook Striker Timo Hoefs (now with Miami Freakthunderstormsat2pmeveryday FC) will be on loan for a one-game stint on May 31 vs.Deceptions. Crook Managers expect him to score at least 17 goals to make this one-game loan payment worthwhile.

Crooks Have Disappointing Start to Season

K Street Leadership Unhappy with Drops in Key Stats

WASHINGTON - The K Street front office did not mince words at this week's press conference. "While we have not lost a contest yet, the mood on the Tenth Block is a mix between abject 'My Daughter Wants to Be a Stripper' disappointment and murderous 'Publisher's Clearinghouse Day' rage," said tri-captain Tim Snyder. "There is absolutely no excuse for the way we have been approaching the pitch the past two weeks and I'm here to tell you it is going to change."

The Crooks outlasted a furious onslaught from FC Kicks to win 2-1 last week. But that victory did not redeem the team from the season opening 4-4 tie. "It scheiße," said other tri-captain Ben Hoefs, "the english equivalent is just not strong enough. The key is in the hard s."

The team rolled out a plan to address what they labled "embarassing holes" in the overall Pink game. One point of emphasis for next week is in hungover caps. "Plain and simple," said former league leader and other tri-captain Joanne Breznay, "playing without the overwhelming fear that the next time you kick the ball might be the time you puke all over the pitch is taking away what gave the Crooks their heart since the team was first formed." The team has only logged three total hangovers in two games, well below last year's average of three per game. It is unclear how much impact Breznay's absence last week has to do with the drop in stats, but said Snyder "I'm pretty sure it's not freaking helping."

The second stat category is in Mooses. "While we have become more efficient in ball handling and overall defense, we have let a former mainstay of our game - massive embarassing whiffs - slip dramatically," said Hoefs. In a closed window meeting via G-Chat, Snyder and former Moose leader defender Amber Lovell devised a new plan. The team will have three whiffle ball bats on the sideline. Prior to substituting in, the sub must stand the bat up on one end, place their forhead on the other end and spin repeatedly for 45 seconds. "This has many benefits," said Lovell via Craigslist ads, "for one, it increases the chances of whiffing. It keeps the other team off balance because we'll be so off-balance they'll start to think it's them who are dizzy. And finally, if we can't legitimately get Crooks to puke from hangovers, the spins are still the spins no matter how you get them." El Campo also learned from unnamed sources that the Crooks are in talks with FC Sparta to bring Moose icon Mustafa Dimbiloglu back to the team to boost their whiff stats. "If that were true," said a team official seeking to remain anonymous, "having the guy for whom the stat was created back in pink will be a huge help in this category."

"This has to work," said Snyder at the end of the press conference, "if not, nothing's safe. We're looking at instituting manditory Saturday night keggers, and potentially using blindfolds to up mooses. A 1-0-1 record is not a bad thing, but 0 whiffs and 3 hangovers is unexcusable. The Crooks need to realize this. Quickly." When asked if the team would consider changing jersey colors to spark a resurgence (as the Mighty Ducks did), Snyder replied "No. [expletive censored] no, Tony. Come on. Get over it. How'd you get a damn press pass anyway? Security!"

The Crooks take on Unatletico DC at 4:00 PM this Sunday.

Crooks Welcome New Roster in 2009

Last season saw a shake up in the Crooks roster. While on loan to the Wellington Phoenix, striker Stefan Georg was caught in an unseemly imbroglio with a buxom native. Since the scandal and subsequent media scrutiny, Georg’s 10-year, multi-million dollar contract was canceled. A member from within the triumvirate, who wished to remain anonymous commented “We wish Stefan the best – and God knows I will miss watching all those butt traps – however, we could not in good conscience continue on with Georg, our young fans deserve better.” El Campo went out to gauge fan reaction to this development. We were put in contact with “Bobby” – the 12 year old leader of a SquashBuddies fan site. When asked if this incident tarnished his love of Georg, Bobby responded “God no, it makes me love him more…he is living the dream – soccer, booze, buxom groupies….when I grow up I want to be just like him.” He said this while adjusting his pink headband and nursing a bottle of Jack, this reporter fears for the future.

Further threatening the K Street dynasty was the departure of the Corcoran brothers, who after some locker room brawls with co-captain Tim Snyder were traded to FC Dallas. When asked about this unfortunate turn of events Mark Corcoran remarked “I hope that up-tight pretentious ass [Snyder] lets through every goal this season….he can take that surplus $65 he always manages to skim from the top and buy himself a personality. You show up hungover for a couple of games [according to Teamsnap, all games] and suddenly you “lack heart” and “need to get your shit together” - I laid that Puritan out and am glad to be rid of him.” When asked to comment Snyder’s representatives would only say “Tim will always value the Corcoran’s time on the team and sincerely wishes them all the best at Betty Ford…I mean FC Dallas.”

With three spots in the roster left unfilled as of February, Crooks triumvirate went on an international scouting mission for K-Street caliber players. While in Germany, Ben Hoefs aggressively scouted Bundesliga talent. In hopes of replacing his erstwhile SquashBuddy, Hoefs offered Stuttgart forward Warren (who boasts an impressive, yet deadly, shot) a multi-year contract with many product endorsement tie ins. After working so tirelessly last season to scout “top talent” in Costa Rica, defender Joanne Breznay scouted local talent this year. Midfielder and drummer Paul Hurt will be joining the Crooks ranks. He brings with him a can-do attitude and a killer beat. James Olsen was snatched away from cross-town rivals Violet Revolution. El Campo recently sat down with Olsen at K-Street haunt Vapiano’s to talk about his defection and plans for the upcoming season. When asked what lured him away for Revolution, the usually sunny Olsen became flustered and fidgety. Luckily for this reporter, Olsen is a feather weight, and two white wine spritzers in he was dancing on tables and spilling tightly guarded Crooks secrets. Apparently, to secure Olsen, the Crooks employed a number of underhanded tactics. According to Olsen “I was interested in joining the team, obviously, I mean who would not want to be part of a championship team…but [winking suggestively] I played hard to get. That strategy always works with the ladies and it turns out that it pays off big time in footy. Whatever I wanted was mine; coffee and a muffin delivered to my door each morning, all-inclusive resort stays, meetings with “Destiny” at the Mayflower – man K-Street knows how to woo a player.” Fearing another scandal for the crooks, we then focused on his goals for the season. The usually humble young man reported “I want to become the star of K-Street: men will want to be me, women will want to sleep with me. The names Pappas and Kendall will be replaced by Olsen in the Crooks hall of fame. My face will be emblazoned upon billboards around DC – I WILL BE A SOCCER GOD!!!!!!!!!!!” This show of hubris does not bode well for the Crooks. If the triumvirate can rein this ego in, the Crooks will have the talent to win yet another championship.

For all those who wish to support the pink warriors, contact craigslist immediately. Ticketmaster sold out of tickets within 10 minutes but scalpers are still offering tickets for up to $1000 a piece. Crooks own Joanne Breznay will be hosting a celebrity tailgate in the Capital Hill parking lot beginning at 9:00AM.

El Campo Retracts TeamSnap Article

You may notice I deleted the TeamSnap article. Turns out more than Crooks read the blog! I got a very nice email from Matt @ TeamSnap HQ who had found the post. He was completely apologetic and offered to rectify the situation.

I am sorry for not clearly stating that the post was a joke. We love TeamSnap (where else lets us keep track of who shows up hungover most often or who whiffs most in a game?) and were sad to leave. It is a great service and they were more than honest about the transition from Beta to Free/Pay plans and gave us plenty of time to consider our options. I highly recommend this versatile and easy-to-use service; it's the best I've found by far.

UPDATE: Crooks to remain pretty in pink

The polls closed overnight on the Crook Uniform Referendum and the Pink prevailed. In a close 7-6 vote, the team voted to request pink jerseys from the league again this year. Aside from quick diversions into melon and red, the Crooks have been pink since their inception. Recently, a growing movement within the team began agitating for a new uniform color, forcing the referendum.

"We're excited by the results. It's important to our identity that we remain pink. Also, it means my tramp stamp is still relevant," said defender Amber Lovell, lifting the back of her shirt to reveal the K Street Crook nestled in a web of tribal linework.

Some Crooks were not as happy. "This is crap," said striker/baker/candlestick maker Logan Kendall. "I wanted a shirt that I could wear out - covered in the blood of my opponents (or teammates) - to entice the ladies. Everyone knows blood doesn't show up well on pink. GAH!" he said, forcefully burying his fist into a pile of dough.

The Crooks roster is nearly final and will appear here exclusively on El Campo.