Rookie Helps Crooks Rise Above Mere Numbers

In a stunning turn of events, the Crooks defeat (0-2) was overturned by a council of District Sports authorities - proving once again that Providence is on the side of pink warriors. The drama unfolded on the Dupont pitch last Saturday. On a beautiful spring day, the field was dotted with shades of pink and purple…spring flowers you ask? No, the pastel delight was provided by an excellent choice in jersey by District Sports manager Alex Bearman. Although the Crooks did not play to their potential (former crook and soon to be bride Alexis Horn can be blamed for that) squandering many chances to score and leaving an injured goalie to face the purple menace alone, it seems that the Crooks have many more untapped skills outside the pitch on which they can rely.


This tale begins in the off-season. During the winter break, Crook sophomore Jimmy Olsen did some in depth, highly researched recruitment. By this we mean he stumbled in a drunken haze down the hall of his apartment and asked his roommate Bill Gingher “hey you wanna play some soccer?” Little did Mr. Olsen know that his enlistment would have far reaching ramifications.


The game on Sunday was littered with missed calls - hand balls in the box and wrongly called throw ins, just to name a few. Many spectators believed this was the result of an apathetic referee, who had better things to do than stand around all day watching mediocre yuppies kick the ball around. They could not have been more wrong, her calls were not the result of incompetence but rather, love. From the first “goalie are you ready” it was amour – as she stared into Gingher’s baby blues, made ever so vibrant by the background of pink, she realized she had found “the one.” The resulting gazes of admiration left many calls unmade. Not even the jeers of numerous crooks fans could re-focus the smitten referee.


Crooks defender, and astute observer of randy glances, Joanne Breznay was first to notice the ref’s fascination. After she informed Bill of his power over the fairer sex, he really turned on the charm, asking the ref to take a stroll with him along the alleyways of Dupont field. Now, this reporter cannot say for certain what happened in those bum-lined, trash-filled haunts but, based on the outcome of the game we can all guess what went on. Upon return, the referee came up with some half-baked story about the other team’s inability to field a team or something like that. As a result, and despite the numbers, the Crooks were able to record the win. Such shameless favoritism speaks volumes of the new recruits “soccer talents.” When asked to comment later about the reversal Mr. Gingher choose to speak through a representative “my client adamantly denies using his sexual prowess to influence the outcome of the game, the Crooks win was indicative of league rules and nothing else…but anytime district sports wants to use a lady-ref is just fine by him.”

While a win is a win, this reporter and the legions of pink army fans out there hope that next week can provide a more traditional win.

Slawinski is Hat-Trick-Tastic in Crooks Win

On an unseasonably hot-as-balls day in our nation’s capital, the K Street Crooks arrived at Stead Park Sunday with the hopes of extending their winning streak to a whopping ‘3’. The odds were well stacked against them- the early morning start time left much of the team in a sleepy haze and hungover stupor. Others fared even worse. Rookie striker Gingher ran out of his favorite hair gel that morning, leaving his curly locks in an absolute tizzy; defender Lovell was painfully reevaluating her decision to eat a chocolate cake for breakfast; and striker Pfeil, the scoring phenom from seasons past, got lost on his way to the field and was reportedly wandering the streets of DC asking passersby if they’d seen any ‘pink ballers’ around.

Shut down for much of the game by one superstar opponent and his cronies, and down 2-0 at the half, the prospects of a third Crooks win were looking rather bleak. The Crooks were going to need some serious heroics to get that big, shiny W.

Thankfully, the Crooks never give up, err, don’t give up easily. In a brilliant display of courage and skill, rookie striker Slawinski stepped up when it mattered most, lifting the fading Crooks onto his shoulders, and delivering three magnificent goals, securing a third win. “Enjoy it while you can El Campo.. I’ve already gotten calls from some of the more elite rec leagues in Virginia. I’m movin’ up,” Slawinski said after the match.

Stay tuned next week as our forever pink warriors take on Covington United at 1pm. Go Pink!

Streaking Crooks

Two games into the Spring 2010 campaign, the K Street Crooks are riding high atop the District Sports tables with a 2-0 record. Sitting pretty with upwards of 264 goals for, and just a measly 1 goal against (a total fluke, by the way), the Crooks, it seems, have returned to their glory days.
The back-to-back victories can be attributed to many things – agile and inventive offense, rock-solid defense, a simply magical guest goalie names Wes. But, without question, the greatest ingredient in this year’s Crook stew is the return of the most sacred Crooks icon. No, we are not referring to Warren Doyle, the masterful striker, or Tony Pappas’s infamous sideline glares (two things we have undoubtedly been missing)- but rather this is something more fundamental. The game changer this season, dear readers, is the mighty pink jersey. Yes, the pink is back. And more vivid and dashing than ever. “You can’t help but feel like a total badass in these jerseys” rookie forward Hasib said. “Chaos has been restored, and all is right in the world again. This is how soccer was meant to be played” a starry-eyed Ferguson added.
So Crooks fans, hide those dreadful orange kits from seasons past in a dark place and break out the pink! This season promises to be one of the best yet.

Crooks Debut on National Stage

This past weekend, the K Street Crooks competed in the 5th annual Cherry Blossom Soccer Tournament (CBST), held on the National Mall. After 5 months away from the pitch, the Crooks battled their way through 3 grueling matches Saturday, pulling every muscle in their bodies, and posting a shocking 0-3-0 record. What could have caused ‘the pride of Petworth’ to fall three times? How could the ‘Capitol Hill league champs’ not land a single W? Could it have been the 5 months off and no stretching? Doubtful. Or maybe the 2-hour beer run between games 2 and 3? Impossible. El Campo were determined to find the explanation.

Now, it is common knowledge that the CBST is set up “World Cup style” – 32 teams starting in round robin group-play, followed by multiple elimination rounds until a winner is crowned. Beyond the play format though, our formerly-pink-but-now-orange tournament rookies were unaware of just how ‘World Cup style’ this tournament really was. Searching merely for reasons to explain the lopsided results, El Campo's investigation uncovered the wicked truth about the other teams: 23 of the other 31 teams were actually premier national teams headed to the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Under the guise of such kitschy team names as “Hello Kitty!!” (Korea DPR), “Ron Burgundy” (France), “Sparkle Motion” (Spain) and “That’s What She Said” (England), it seems the likes of Ronaldo, Kaka and Messi were just having a bit of a tune-up before the big show in South Africa. An anonymous premier player from team “AC D.C.” (Australia) had this to say: “We’ve got a very busy and stressful pre-World Cup schedule, and the [CBST] just gives us a chance to relax and really do what we love to do – beat the snot out of DC area rec league teams."

So, there you have it. All things reconsidered, the Crooks actually fared quite well at this weekend “rec” tournament and they should be very proud of themselves – they fought some of the most gifted footballers on the planet, and lived to tell the tale.

Stay tuned for updates on the upcoming Spring season, where the Crooks try to dominate yet another DC neighborhood – Dupont Circle!

Crooks Season Ends on a High Note

It seems the Crooks have finally warmed up to their construction cone attire. Before they headed out for their Thanksgiving holidays, the Crooks wowed the Capitol Hill crowd with not one, but two smashing victories – a back-to-back feat not seen since the jersey’s were bubble-gum pink. The 2-1 losers on Saturday called themselves CQ Bias FC, while Swampoodle – a longtime K Street rival – lost 2-1 in their final game of the season Sunday.

Though the current standings have K Street in 8th place through 7 games, with a -15 goal differential, captain Breznay assures El Campo that when the final standings are all sorted out, the Crooks will be on top. When asked to elaborate on how this numerically impossible result could be, Breznay simply reminded us of the long line of seedy accountants that have passed through the pink ranks, adding “We’ve got friends in mediocre places, El Campo.”

Stat-fixing aside, the Crooks should be very proud of themselves this season. With such a huge restructuring, from top down, they kept it together and prevailed a few of the times they needed to.

Keep your eyes peeled for news on upcoming spring 2010 schedules and World Cup preparation.

Screw you, Mother Nature

For already the second time this season, Mother Nature has washed out the prospects of a Crooks win. (Or, staved off a loss – however you fine readers of El Campo choose to see it. But this reporter chooses the former) How dare she prevent our orange-clad warriors from wowing the Capital Hill crowds and enthralling them with their incredible football artistry? Where else are these crowds supposed to go? To a Redskins game? Surely they should not be subjected to such cruel punishment. And what about the children? What about the children, I say. Those that look up to the likes of Andrew “Pele” Horgan, Jim “the Flash” Olsen, Ian “Kaboom!” Pfeil… Who are they left to idolize on a Sunday afternoon? Miley? Someone from the Hills? Surely this must not be so.
So Mother Nature, please, cast a ray of sunshine on our beloved Crooks this weekend (just one will do.. the jerseys will act as mirrors and reflect on the whole neighborhood). Do it for the children!

Crooks win!

On a beautiful autumn day in our nation’s capital, the K Street Crooks rebounded to a 3-0 victory over the Glover Park Groupers. [insert bad fish pun here] Goals were aplenty, with rookies Andrea and Ian notching one apiece, and second-season veteran Paul tacking on the third.

The Crooks held possession for the vast majority of the game. The few times the Groupies did manage to get anywhere near the box though, one intimidating figure was waiting for them: Pete the Substitute Goalie. Snagged from the previous game, Pete came through with a stellar goal-keeping performance that clearly showed why he was not on the K Street Crooks squad. We are grateful for his charity, and fearful of our upcoming match-up with his real team.

Next week the team-formerly-clad-in-pink-but-now-in-Hi-Liter-Orange takes on Unatletico DC at noon. Be there!