Seven Against Mutts: Crooks Defend Top of Table

Dark clouds rolled in over Capitol Hill Sunday, seemingly foreshadowing the end of the Crooks’ surprise undefeated season. Abandoned by their captain and the majority of his handpicked minions, the Crooks were only able to field a full team due to the last minute arrivals of Mike Huling and Logan Kendall. As the lone seven stood looking across the field at the countless multitudes of Blue Mutts, they could have been forgiven if they had fallen to the ground and curled up in the fetal position. But wait! They did not! Well, Logan kind of did, but it turned out that he was just trying frantically to tie his shoes before the opening whistle.

The game began no more promisingly for the Crooks the signs portended. The Mutts surged forward with a rabid hunger for goal and pushed our heroes back into their box. Right when the Crooks appeared to be ready to go under, the attack of Mutts broke against immovable rock of the Snyder-Hulling-Breznay-Snyder defense. Soon the Crooks were counterattacking and Kendall with accompanying forwards Tony Pappas and Tim Malacarne were testing the Mutts defense for a change.

Despite a number of clear chances, the Crooks were unable to score in the first half. Each time a player lined up a shot, the ball would inevitably hit a bump in the field and carom wildly in an unexpected direction. This led to a halftime discussion as to whether or not Capitol Hill’s field was actually worse than Petworth’s. Pappas claimed it was, while T. Snyder defended it, citing its distinct lack of broken glass and discarded batteries.

The second half started off much like the first, with Malacarne missing a lunging tap in at the far post. The team soon looked to be in a perilous position, as while they seemed to possess an advantage in skill, the forwards were noticeably tiring from their endless running. With ten minutes to go, however, Pappas recovered possession and slipped a pass to Malacarne at the penalty spot. His shot was deflected by the onrushing Mutts goalie, but in the mad scrum to clear the ball he managed to hook it past a defender and into the goal.

The razor thin lead made for a harrowing last 10 minutes, as the Mutts threw everything they had into the attack in an attempt to level the score. Their best chance came with just moments remaining when a shot flashed toward the far post. Time slowed down as the ball continued its inevitable march toward the net. At the last possible instant, though, it met the fingertips of a diving Tim Snyder who tipped it just past the post.

As the final seconds ticked away, Snyder would continue to exhibit what nearly everyone present would call exemplary sportsmanship as he ran after every Mutts’ shot in order return the ball to play as quickly as possible even though his team had the lead and at least half of it looked ready to collapse. “Tim’s such a good sport,” Pappas was quoted as saying between gasps for air, “that I want to punch him in the face.”

When asked where the team was able to summon such bravery and resolve to triumph over vastly superior numbers, Huling cited the example of the famous 300 Spartans at the Battle of Thermoplyae. “King Leonidas led his men against even greater odds,” he said, “and while technically our King Leonidas didn’t even show up today, we all have really great abs, so, umm, that helped.”

Alexis Horn followed up on this point by remarking, “Mmmmmm those Spartan abs…”

Still, not all was happy in Crooks land. An unidentified team member, speaking to ECdP with the understanding that he would be referred to only as “Tim,” openly questioned the transfer policy of captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. “I just don’t know,” he was quoted as saying from a shadowy corner with his face obscured, “if it was a good idea to cut a bunch of reliable, enthusiastic players when you yourself are only going to come to games where you can just cherrypick in hopes of scoring a goal in front of your mom.”

Joanne Breznay defended her captain. “I know a lot of people are down on Mustafa for apparently totally abandoning the team, but it isn’t as simple as it looks. The original 300 Spartans were wiped out when someone betrayed them. Mustafa may not have come today, thus leaving us huffing and puffing and desperately hanging on, but at least he didn’t show up this week then betray us,” she opined. “He hasn’t done that since he took all the Google ad revenue from the blog to Grande-size his Taco Bell order.”

While controversy lingers as it may, the Crooks remain undefeated, and our seven courageous heroes will return next week to do battle once more. Well, all except Tim and Alexis. The overwhelmingly homoerotic subtext of the Sparta metaphor got to be too much for them and they’ve decided to sit the next one out.

Play Fantasy Soccer with El Campo de Petworth

Check out the statistics posted on TeamSnap. Bear witness to the sheer numerical prowess that giant calves can get you.

We're having trouble keeping track of legitimate stats such as fouls and (last week) assists. So I'm looking for suggestions for less relevant but easier to keep track of stats. Propose some good ones on the Message Board.

K STREET WINS MIGHTILY OVER SENIORS

Crooks Roll On in Front of Families, Turks

The K Street Crooks defeated a much older series of opponents this week, something like 6-1. Jumping to a quick 3-0 lead, the Crooks pushed perennial defenders Alexis Horn and Mustafa Dimbiloglu forward. "Their parents were there this game and we really wanted to let them score one to make their mommas proud," said former forward Mark Corcoran. "That and I was terribly terribly hungover. Damn Cinco de Mayo/Kentucky Derby parties...OOOH, a helicopter!" The two promotees failed to score despite a number of chance, although Dimbiloglu did tally an assist. "I pride myself on being a team player but that wasn't a pass," the captain said of his assist, "that fu$%er [forward Tim Malacarne] took the goal from me. I'll cut him, I swear to God." Dimbiloglu then announced that he will be sitting out of the next two matches in protest.

The Crooks played in front of a standing-room-only crowd at the Capitol Hill Pitch. A contingent from the Turkish Embassy was in attendence, apparently scouting for talent. "We didn't see any must-sign's here today. Ekrem let us down," said the Turkish scout said through a translator, "and he let Ataturk down too." Dimbiloglu was seen after the game forfeiting his passport to the Turkish officials. Among the fans was also defender Alexis Horn's mom, the aptly named Mrs. Horn. She was a ball of nerves that exploded into a guttural "OH YEAAAAAH" when Alexis took out a defender in the 20th minute. "BRING ON THE PAAAAIN," she was heard screaming.

Joining the team for the first (and decidedly the last) time was Charlotte Gordon. Playing stellar defense in a tough match, Gordon blocked two shots, one of which left an enduring mark of triumph on her inner right thigh. "I couldn't be more pleased," said boyfriend/forward Tim Malacarne, "it's like you've combined two of my favorite things in one place!" Malacarne's smile dimmed the next day, as he was informed the comment yielded him a $500 fine from the league for indecency and a 15 hour shopping spree/cuddle-a-thon/chick flick sentence from Gordon. "People ask, 'was it worth it?' And I say, was it worth it for Leo to throw that red headed chick into the iceberg to save the ship? I think so...."

The team looks to remain undefeated this weekend versus some team at some time on a schedule that I don't have open right now.

Breznay Sets Tone, Crooks Heed Call

Crooks win first match of season in anti-Crook fashion, 2-1

Defender Joanne Breznay refused to listen to forward Mark Corcoran's calls for restraint in the fifth minute of Sunday's game. Instead of lightly touching the ball forward to him, she kicked the stuffing out of it, clearing it out of the playing area and, if it weren't for the fence, possibly the zipcode. The ace backliner's boot let all of K Street know that it was time to kick some ass and team Real Awesome was put on notice. "I heard Mark telling me to relax but I also heard the drums of the Barra Brava in my head, and the Bouncing Black Mass won out," Breznay explained post-game, "It was cold and drizzling and someone needed to light a fire under our butts." Her booming kick lit a fire hot enough to grill spiedies on the Moon.

The team got out to a 1-0 lead on a goal by Logan "They're real, and they're spectacular" Kendall. The opposition then knotted it up on a well-placed shot just past a diving Tim Snyder. "I really thought that the neon pink jersey would blind them, putting the far post out of sight, but I guess not," said Snyder in the post-game press conference. For the rest of the game, the defense pulled taut, refusing to break, even when Snyder began to spray goal kicks anywhere but where he was aiming. "That one that went straight up in the air? That one scared us," said defender Justin Sargent, "He's demonstrating capability that he can still skull us in the back of the head but also bombard us from above as well using a ballistic trajectory. It's scary times to be on defense back here."

In the second to last minute, All-Calves Kendall scored again and half of the Heroes of the Tenth Block rejoiced. The other half, the ones who haven't forgotten history, feared they may be damned to repeat it. But, the Crooks did not give away the game in the last 90 seconds for perhaps the first time in their history. "This was a big deal for us," said forward Ben Hoefs, "Any other Crooks squad would have gave away a win there, or at least a tie." "Makes you look at what's changed since then," mused forward Tim Malacarne, "and then you remember that [defenders] Mustafa Dimbiloglu and Alexis Horn were absent. Really makes you think...."

Both Horn and Dimbiloglu return to the pitch this Sunday at noon versus Swampoodle. No word yet from K Street on whether they will be subbed out to protect the lead at the end of a game.

PITCH NOTES: The team also won despite the presence of what many believed to be a spy in their midst. About five minutes before game time, a player showed up looking for FC K Street. The team kindly informed him that "Those Deemed Unworthy" had played 3 hours earlier. Keith, or at least that's what he said his name was, seemed confused. "Emphasis on seemed," said defender Amy Aubin. "It became pretty clear to us that he was a spy sent by FC K Street because Amber and Katie were too lazy and whiny to sit out in the rain and scout themselves. It'll be tough for them to top us with out the same commitment from their leadership which we enjoy," referring to mildly-obsessive team captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. "But he [the spy] played well, so I think we're going to sign him up," Aubin continued, "that'll learn them. They underestimated our skill and charisma." "We're really quite charming," added Mike Huling quickly before leaving the press conference to do a marathon.

Blood Feuds Scheduled

Potomac to run red three times this season

The 2008 Capital Sports Capitol Hill Sunday Soccer Schedule was released this week and it reads like the aftermath of a failed relationship with a coworker whom you have to face on a regular basis. The Heroes of the Tenth Block face "those deemed unworthy" three times this season, in what will promise to be contentious match-ups and the highlights of this year's season. 

The Crooks face Katie Horgan's Team this weekend in a pre-season exhibition game which defender and team captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu called an "intelligence gathering and target selection" opportunity. "Katie and the others have done a good job hiding their assets from us. On Sunday, we'll be able to find out who [fellow defender Justin] Sargent needs to pull aboard the Pain Train and who I need to flail my legs at in a fury of kicks and trips." The Pink Plan is to then clear the better players out either late in the scrimmage or early in the first test to ensure victory. 

Casualty estimates are in the fives and forward Tim Malacarne said "by the third game, we expect they'll have no one left but [former Crook defender Eric] Cederbaum and some National Guardsmen they've stop-lossed." The Pink People have no qualms about the lengths they will go to for a victory. "A lot of people tell me this is just rec league soccer, sometimes even my own teammates," said Captain Dimbiloglu, "but for me, this is life and death." Muffled cries from what sounded to this reporter like Dimbiloglu's brother/roommate emerging from a closet "don't lose.... he beats me when you lose..." were quickly cut off by the Captain's screams. "You better shut up, there's nowhere in this 400 square foot hellhole to hide!" 

0-7-1 ... again

The Crooks have yet again taken an 0-7-1 season-end result. Thus, with all certainty, the next indoor season will result in a .500 win/loss ratio.

Not much left to say until the spring season. Well, except for our goal differential: 15 : 59.

Crooks Bleed for Failure

Your Heroes of the Tenth Block lost by only one goal last Sunday, 5-4 to the Spinoffs. The Pink People bravely fought despite injuries, setbacks and poor pitch conditions to remain competitive throughout.

The team had to overcome injuries to its frontline stars: Tim Malacarne (fractured faux-hawk) and Ben Hoefs (sprained priorties), and three key defenders: Alexis Horn (bruised knee), Mike Huling (blunt force trauma to head [fifth straight game]), and Mustafa Dimbiloglu (slightly bruised pinky toe).

Hoefs did not make the trip to Fairfax with the team, but Malacarne scored two goals while bleeding profusely from the head. When asked about his priorities before the game, Malacarne was clear: "I don't go to Michigan; I don't play squash; and I don't let little things like the fact that I was lying semi-conscious in a rapidly expanding pool of my own blood just an hour or two ago get in the way of what matters to me: Crooks soccer." Defenders Katie Horgan and Amber Lovell swooned, "Myyyyy heeeeero," and there were reports that defender Alexis Horn briefly lost consciousness. "Don't worry about her, it's the same thing every time Hanson comes on."

Malacarne tested the absorbent strength of his gauze wrap and borrowed paper towel contraption on multiple headers striking fear in the Spinoffs. "I have no idea who that guy was at forward, Chief Wahoo Something, but man, he was insane," said a Spinoffs defender after the game. "I think he got some blood on me, but I don't think I'm going to wash this shirt," said another, "At least not until I tell the grandkids this story some day."

Goals were also scored by Joanne Breznay and Mike Huling, marking the first time this season that someone put the biscuit in the basket besides Hoefs or Malacarne. Huling subbed out immediately after scoring screaming, "Put some direct pressure on me, I'm oozing talent like a Malacarne head wound."

The team faces its final regular season test versus ICF, who had one win going into last Sunday. Then the team will sacrifice itself to the first or second seeded team in the league the next week in the first round of the playoffs. "I don't know what kind of league puts the last place team into the playoffs like cannon fodder," said defender Justin Sargent. "I know," said an unnamed former Crook, "a small penis league."