Legion of Crooks Win Again

The K Street Crooks continued their winning ways Sunday with a 5-0 victory over the Blue Jays. The game was most notable for numerous previously absent team members answering last weeks Campo de Petworth call to action and returning, often with friends, to give the Crooks the advantage of having 61 available substitutes. The Blue Jays were unable to deal with wave after wave of fresh legs, and they soon sunk beneath the sea of red jerseys to defeat.

The Crooks controlled the game from the opening whistle, but struggled to translate their possession into scoring opportunities. Finally, having hit the post moments before, forward Tim Malacarne thrust K Street into the lead, beating the goalie after a run down the right side. Soon after, Malacarne again hit the right post, this time with a header off a Ben Hoefs corner. Eventually, he did manage to double the tally right before halftime, taking advantage of a Blue Jays mistake.

The Crooks went to the break with a lead, but knew that the game was still competitive. Malacarne seemed particularly dissatisfied with the first half result. “It’s freaking rec league, coed soccer,” he was heard bellowing, “who the hell cares SOOOOO much that they have to go out and move the goal six inches to the left!” Malacarne was so flustered that the team was forced to bench him for the majority of the second half.

The second period was characterized by the Crooks winning a war of attrition and skill. Soon after the restart, Timo Hoefs did what his brother was unable to and fired home from range to give the red team a more comfortable lead. Then Jon Carpenter got on the end of a movement involving Malacarne and the less good Hoefs to score a goal that appeared to be a product of an actual soccer team. The excellence on display so delighted unofficial coach Tony Pappas that he rushed onto the field yelling about a funny feeling in his shorts. Crooks scattered, but upon his return to the sideline he was offered a place by the FC K Street management for their next game. He quickly accepted and later scored.

Logan Kendall capped the scoring with a marvelous chip over the onrushing Blue Jays goalie.

While the goal scorers were the recipients of the glory, accolades and fawning postgame “affections” of the legions of hot fangirls who line Capitol Hill Field every Sunday (except Malacarne who quickly rushed home to see his girlfriend), the victory was truly a team effort. While not obvious to the casual observer even Ben Hoefs, while unable to score, contributed by providing an assist and thirteen extra players, a team best. Notable among them was Marko Loukas. Loukas was not only solid in defense, he also provided insurance that, due to a previous vendetta, should Crooks captain-in-exile Mustafa Dimbiloglu unexpectedly show up for the game, he would be beaten to death before he could take the field and imperil the team’s chance at a perfect season.

Seven Against Mutts: Crooks Defend Top of Table

Dark clouds rolled in over Capitol Hill Sunday, seemingly foreshadowing the end of the Crooks’ surprise undefeated season. Abandoned by their captain and the majority of his handpicked minions, the Crooks were only able to field a full team due to the last minute arrivals of Mike Huling and Logan Kendall. As the lone seven stood looking across the field at the countless multitudes of Blue Mutts, they could have been forgiven if they had fallen to the ground and curled up in the fetal position. But wait! They did not! Well, Logan kind of did, but it turned out that he was just trying frantically to tie his shoes before the opening whistle.

The game began no more promisingly for the Crooks the signs portended. The Mutts surged forward with a rabid hunger for goal and pushed our heroes back into their box. Right when the Crooks appeared to be ready to go under, the attack of Mutts broke against immovable rock of the Snyder-Hulling-Breznay-Snyder defense. Soon the Crooks were counterattacking and Kendall with accompanying forwards Tony Pappas and Tim Malacarne were testing the Mutts defense for a change.

Despite a number of clear chances, the Crooks were unable to score in the first half. Each time a player lined up a shot, the ball would inevitably hit a bump in the field and carom wildly in an unexpected direction. This led to a halftime discussion as to whether or not Capitol Hill’s field was actually worse than Petworth’s. Pappas claimed it was, while T. Snyder defended it, citing its distinct lack of broken glass and discarded batteries.

The second half started off much like the first, with Malacarne missing a lunging tap in at the far post. The team soon looked to be in a perilous position, as while they seemed to possess an advantage in skill, the forwards were noticeably tiring from their endless running. With ten minutes to go, however, Pappas recovered possession and slipped a pass to Malacarne at the penalty spot. His shot was deflected by the onrushing Mutts goalie, but in the mad scrum to clear the ball he managed to hook it past a defender and into the goal.

The razor thin lead made for a harrowing last 10 minutes, as the Mutts threw everything they had into the attack in an attempt to level the score. Their best chance came with just moments remaining when a shot flashed toward the far post. Time slowed down as the ball continued its inevitable march toward the net. At the last possible instant, though, it met the fingertips of a diving Tim Snyder who tipped it just past the post.

As the final seconds ticked away, Snyder would continue to exhibit what nearly everyone present would call exemplary sportsmanship as he ran after every Mutts’ shot in order return the ball to play as quickly as possible even though his team had the lead and at least half of it looked ready to collapse. “Tim’s such a good sport,” Pappas was quoted as saying between gasps for air, “that I want to punch him in the face.”

When asked where the team was able to summon such bravery and resolve to triumph over vastly superior numbers, Huling cited the example of the famous 300 Spartans at the Battle of Thermoplyae. “King Leonidas led his men against even greater odds,” he said, “and while technically our King Leonidas didn’t even show up today, we all have really great abs, so, umm, that helped.”

Alexis Horn followed up on this point by remarking, “Mmmmmm those Spartan abs…”

Still, not all was happy in Crooks land. An unidentified team member, speaking to ECdP with the understanding that he would be referred to only as “Tim,” openly questioned the transfer policy of captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. “I just don’t know,” he was quoted as saying from a shadowy corner with his face obscured, “if it was a good idea to cut a bunch of reliable, enthusiastic players when you yourself are only going to come to games where you can just cherrypick in hopes of scoring a goal in front of your mom.”

Joanne Breznay defended her captain. “I know a lot of people are down on Mustafa for apparently totally abandoning the team, but it isn’t as simple as it looks. The original 300 Spartans were wiped out when someone betrayed them. Mustafa may not have come today, thus leaving us huffing and puffing and desperately hanging on, but at least he didn’t show up this week then betray us,” she opined. “He hasn’t done that since he took all the Google ad revenue from the blog to Grande-size his Taco Bell order.”

While controversy lingers as it may, the Crooks remain undefeated, and our seven courageous heroes will return next week to do battle once more. Well, all except Tim and Alexis. The overwhelmingly homoerotic subtext of the Sparta metaphor got to be too much for them and they’ve decided to sit the next one out.

ABANDONED! Crooks captain leaves team ahead of weekend clash

El Campo de Petworth has learned from confidential sources inside the K Street Crooks organization that captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu has informed his teammates that he wants no part in Saturday’s game against Ecofinish. The shocked group vowed to fight on despite the defection.

Indications that Dimbiloglu was dissatisfied with the direction of the Crooks were evident as early as late 2007 when, rather than pledge his future to the club, the captain decided to “apply to business school.” These tensions were believed resolved, though, particularly after Dimbiloglu’s strong performance in last week’s game against the Dickstein Shapiro Penguins. This week, however, he callously announced that the team could play their little games for all he cared, he was going to Michigan. “Screw that,” he is reported to have said, “I got my assist. I’m outta here.”

When informed of their captain’s decision, many Crooks were unable to believe their ears. “Mustafa isn’t coming?” central defender Mike Huling asked incredulously, “Mustafa? Are you sure you don’t mean Dorothy?” Striker Ben Hoefs also tried to make statement, but whatever profound sentiments he wished to express were inaudible over his sobs.

With the men of the team barely able to contain their despair, midfielder Joanne Brezney disproved centuries of stereotypes about her sex’s emotional nature by immediately focusing on the tactical impact of Dimbiloglu’s absence on the Crooks’ chances for victory. Still, her countenance was gloomy. “Mustafa’s out? Fuck! Now who the hell’s going to pick up Tim?”

Alone among team members willing to speak to ECdP, defender Amy Aubin seemed to see Dimbiloglu’s looming absence as a positive. “Thank god,” she was quoted as saying, “that little bitch is finally learning to respect my corner.”

Crooks captain drops team, will play alone.

(WASHINGTON, DC) K Street Crooks captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu announced Wednesday via the District Sports website that he will be the illustrious team’s only member during the summer 2007 campaign. In a tersely worded player list (available here), Dimbiloglu excluded every player save himself from the roster.

Speculation had been rife in DC soccer circles that the Crooks would look to make changes after a 0-7-1 spring season, but few were ready for such dramatic action. The team had been reported to be on the verge of several new player signings, but in the end, opted to instead subtract nearly all the old ones. Dimbiloglu’s exact motives for the purge are unclear but it is widely speculated that it is somehow related to emerging philosophical differences him and top Crooks team members, possibly over the relative merits of backgammon.

In informal statements, the captain characterized the shift as a tactical one. He stated that he didn’t believe his talents were able to be fully utilized in a traditional, seven player lineup. “I’m really fast,” he said, “and that helps me when I play on the flanks. But I’m also great on the ball and gifted with superb vision, which makes me a natural central mid. My first touch and eye for goal are unparalleled, so I don’t see any better candidates for striker and don’t even get me started about my defensive tenacity. I just felt the other 6 players on the pitch would make me – and the team – worse.”

When contacted by El Campo de Petworth about the Dimbiloglu’s plan to play alone, former defender Justin Sargent responded, “I'm confused? Are we talking about his lady skills or what?”

Former netminder Tim Snyder took the news harder, declaring that the move is “indicative of [Dimiloglu's] entire philosophy regarding the team. Despite his abilities, it's a decidedly "me-first" attitude the severity of which I haven't seen since the hey-days of fascism." He also termed it “laugh-y.”

When told of his teammates response, the newly minted attacking-midleft flank back appeared incredulous. “What’s wrong with them?” he asked rhetorically, “It’s not like I didn’t arrange for them to buy awesome t-shirts that they can wear when they come to cheer me on.”

Despite his obvious confidence, only time will tell if Dimbiloglu’s gambit will pay off against deeper teams such as perennial powerhouses It Burns When IP (roster) and Fresh Tread (roster).

Captain Oh Captain?

(Capitol Hill - DC) Controversial Turkish international and Crooks captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu was recently spotted partying after the team's crushing defeat in the league finale.

An anonymous source tipped El Campo de Petworth that Dimbiloglu, sometimes known as the Paris Hilton of Petsworth, spent much of the evening drinking and gyrating to pop beats at Grand Central, a Washington DC nightspot. The captain has long been criticized in the media for his party habits but one has to wonder if this time the fans and the locker room may decide he’s gone too far and demand a change.

One Crook, who asked to remain nameless do to concerns about his future place in the starting line up, stated that it was not necessarily the drinking that bothered him - after all drowning sorrows in alcohol is a time honored and manly sporting tradition - but the carefee attitude Dimbiloglu seemed to take. "I mean come on," the player said, "the guy just captained a team that got their ass kicked worse than normal. And for our team, normal is already pretty bad."

A second team member was less harsh in his criticisms, but remarked that if "Mustafa is going to sell out our team for pair of tits and two legs, he could at least find some that weren't twice the size of his.....the legs I mean, not the tits, those are ok, being being bigger than his I mean, I guess, you know what I'm trying to say." Later in the interview the same player made a possibly sincere offer to buy his leader a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt that he'd once seen on the internet.

Asked about the incident Mustafa showed little remorse, simply stating “I love to dance......”

Trouble on K Street perhaps?