Scandal at District Sports

On Sunday May 18, the Crooks of K Street steamrolled the Blue Jay opposition in Washington, DC. Through a pot-holed pitch, hurricane-like weather, and half the team coming down with Pneumonia, the relentless Crooks attacked with Chuck Norris-like accuracy to take a 5-0 win. Two goals scored by Tim M, one by John Carpenter, one by Logan, and one by the youngest Hoefs brother. Anybody with a brain larger than a pomegranate apple can add up those goals, with the help of Excel, and come to 5. That's five goals: Fuenf, Cinq, cinqo.

Upon realization of their stunning victory, District Sports (the international governing board of DC soccer) awarded the Blue Jays with one goal. To which the goalie (Tony Pappas' friend from work who played goalie before and this author met him again at the airport one day after the game at the security line but forgot his name) replied: "I touched the ball twice, on passes that happened to come in my direction, unless I blacked out for a short period of time, the round thing did not enter the rectangle."

This drastically alters the league standings as well. Eventhough the Crooks would remain at the top of the table, the Goal Differential would increase by 2 to (goals for: 14, goals against 2). This could mean the difference between the Crooks playing in next year's Champions League or in the UEFA Cup, and we all know the UEFA Cup means nothing.

Some sort of scandelous act must be occurring at District Sports. A nameless Crooks player was quoted saying, "it's our sister team (FC K Street) trying to deny us of precious points in an attempt to win the Championship." Is this true or just a rumor? Time will tell.

Crooks Wunderkind Ben told the press earlier today, "a full investigation is in the works ... we shall leave no paper unturned, no person unquestioned. We shall prevail, we are ... the K Street Crooks."

Legion of Crooks Win Again

The K Street Crooks continued their winning ways Sunday with a 5-0 victory over the Blue Jays. The game was most notable for numerous previously absent team members answering last weeks Campo de Petworth call to action and returning, often with friends, to give the Crooks the advantage of having 61 available substitutes. The Blue Jays were unable to deal with wave after wave of fresh legs, and they soon sunk beneath the sea of red jerseys to defeat.

The Crooks controlled the game from the opening whistle, but struggled to translate their possession into scoring opportunities. Finally, having hit the post moments before, forward Tim Malacarne thrust K Street into the lead, beating the goalie after a run down the right side. Soon after, Malacarne again hit the right post, this time with a header off a Ben Hoefs corner. Eventually, he did manage to double the tally right before halftime, taking advantage of a Blue Jays mistake.

The Crooks went to the break with a lead, but knew that the game was still competitive. Malacarne seemed particularly dissatisfied with the first half result. “It’s freaking rec league, coed soccer,” he was heard bellowing, “who the hell cares SOOOOO much that they have to go out and move the goal six inches to the left!” Malacarne was so flustered that the team was forced to bench him for the majority of the second half.

The second period was characterized by the Crooks winning a war of attrition and skill. Soon after the restart, Timo Hoefs did what his brother was unable to and fired home from range to give the red team a more comfortable lead. Then Jon Carpenter got on the end of a movement involving Malacarne and the less good Hoefs to score a goal that appeared to be a product of an actual soccer team. The excellence on display so delighted unofficial coach Tony Pappas that he rushed onto the field yelling about a funny feeling in his shorts. Crooks scattered, but upon his return to the sideline he was offered a place by the FC K Street management for their next game. He quickly accepted and later scored.

Logan Kendall capped the scoring with a marvelous chip over the onrushing Blue Jays goalie.

While the goal scorers were the recipients of the glory, accolades and fawning postgame “affections” of the legions of hot fangirls who line Capitol Hill Field every Sunday (except Malacarne who quickly rushed home to see his girlfriend), the victory was truly a team effort. While not obvious to the casual observer even Ben Hoefs, while unable to score, contributed by providing an assist and thirteen extra players, a team best. Notable among them was Marko Loukas. Loukas was not only solid in defense, he also provided insurance that, due to a previous vendetta, should Crooks captain-in-exile Mustafa Dimbiloglu unexpectedly show up for the game, he would be beaten to death before he could take the field and imperil the team’s chance at a perfect season.

Seven Against Mutts: Crooks Defend Top of Table

Dark clouds rolled in over Capitol Hill Sunday, seemingly foreshadowing the end of the Crooks’ surprise undefeated season. Abandoned by their captain and the majority of his handpicked minions, the Crooks were only able to field a full team due to the last minute arrivals of Mike Huling and Logan Kendall. As the lone seven stood looking across the field at the countless multitudes of Blue Mutts, they could have been forgiven if they had fallen to the ground and curled up in the fetal position. But wait! They did not! Well, Logan kind of did, but it turned out that he was just trying frantically to tie his shoes before the opening whistle.

The game began no more promisingly for the Crooks the signs portended. The Mutts surged forward with a rabid hunger for goal and pushed our heroes back into their box. Right when the Crooks appeared to be ready to go under, the attack of Mutts broke against immovable rock of the Snyder-Hulling-Breznay-Snyder defense. Soon the Crooks were counterattacking and Kendall with accompanying forwards Tony Pappas and Tim Malacarne were testing the Mutts defense for a change.

Despite a number of clear chances, the Crooks were unable to score in the first half. Each time a player lined up a shot, the ball would inevitably hit a bump in the field and carom wildly in an unexpected direction. This led to a halftime discussion as to whether or not Capitol Hill’s field was actually worse than Petworth’s. Pappas claimed it was, while T. Snyder defended it, citing its distinct lack of broken glass and discarded batteries.

The second half started off much like the first, with Malacarne missing a lunging tap in at the far post. The team soon looked to be in a perilous position, as while they seemed to possess an advantage in skill, the forwards were noticeably tiring from their endless running. With ten minutes to go, however, Pappas recovered possession and slipped a pass to Malacarne at the penalty spot. His shot was deflected by the onrushing Mutts goalie, but in the mad scrum to clear the ball he managed to hook it past a defender and into the goal.

The razor thin lead made for a harrowing last 10 minutes, as the Mutts threw everything they had into the attack in an attempt to level the score. Their best chance came with just moments remaining when a shot flashed toward the far post. Time slowed down as the ball continued its inevitable march toward the net. At the last possible instant, though, it met the fingertips of a diving Tim Snyder who tipped it just past the post.

As the final seconds ticked away, Snyder would continue to exhibit what nearly everyone present would call exemplary sportsmanship as he ran after every Mutts’ shot in order return the ball to play as quickly as possible even though his team had the lead and at least half of it looked ready to collapse. “Tim’s such a good sport,” Pappas was quoted as saying between gasps for air, “that I want to punch him in the face.”

When asked where the team was able to summon such bravery and resolve to triumph over vastly superior numbers, Huling cited the example of the famous 300 Spartans at the Battle of Thermoplyae. “King Leonidas led his men against even greater odds,” he said, “and while technically our King Leonidas didn’t even show up today, we all have really great abs, so, umm, that helped.”

Alexis Horn followed up on this point by remarking, “Mmmmmm those Spartan abs…”

Still, not all was happy in Crooks land. An unidentified team member, speaking to ECdP with the understanding that he would be referred to only as “Tim,” openly questioned the transfer policy of captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. “I just don’t know,” he was quoted as saying from a shadowy corner with his face obscured, “if it was a good idea to cut a bunch of reliable, enthusiastic players when you yourself are only going to come to games where you can just cherrypick in hopes of scoring a goal in front of your mom.”

Joanne Breznay defended her captain. “I know a lot of people are down on Mustafa for apparently totally abandoning the team, but it isn’t as simple as it looks. The original 300 Spartans were wiped out when someone betrayed them. Mustafa may not have come today, thus leaving us huffing and puffing and desperately hanging on, but at least he didn’t show up this week then betray us,” she opined. “He hasn’t done that since he took all the Google ad revenue from the blog to Grande-size his Taco Bell order.”

While controversy lingers as it may, the Crooks remain undefeated, and our seven courageous heroes will return next week to do battle once more. Well, all except Tim and Alexis. The overwhelmingly homoerotic subtext of the Sparta metaphor got to be too much for them and they’ve decided to sit the next one out.

ABANDONED! Crooks captain leaves team ahead of weekend clash

El Campo de Petworth has learned from confidential sources inside the K Street Crooks organization that captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu has informed his teammates that he wants no part in Saturday’s game against Ecofinish. The shocked group vowed to fight on despite the defection.

Indications that Dimbiloglu was dissatisfied with the direction of the Crooks were evident as early as late 2007 when, rather than pledge his future to the club, the captain decided to “apply to business school.” These tensions were believed resolved, though, particularly after Dimbiloglu’s strong performance in last week’s game against the Dickstein Shapiro Penguins. This week, however, he callously announced that the team could play their little games for all he cared, he was going to Michigan. “Screw that,” he is reported to have said, “I got my assist. I’m outta here.”

When informed of their captain’s decision, many Crooks were unable to believe their ears. “Mustafa isn’t coming?” central defender Mike Huling asked incredulously, “Mustafa? Are you sure you don’t mean Dorothy?” Striker Ben Hoefs also tried to make statement, but whatever profound sentiments he wished to express were inaudible over his sobs.

With the men of the team barely able to contain their despair, midfielder Joanne Brezney disproved centuries of stereotypes about her sex’s emotional nature by immediately focusing on the tactical impact of Dimbiloglu’s absence on the Crooks’ chances for victory. Still, her countenance was gloomy. “Mustafa’s out? Fuck! Now who the hell’s going to pick up Tim?”

Alone among team members willing to speak to ECdP, defender Amy Aubin seemed to see Dimbiloglu’s looming absence as a positive. “Thank god,” she was quoted as saying, “that little bitch is finally learning to respect my corner.”

Much Anticipated Indoor Debut

(1850 K Street) - The K Street Crooks made their much anticipated debut to indoor soccer on Saturday, January 5th versus The Fire. Though it was a hard fought battle the Crooks managed to lose with a score of 12 to 1. The sole Crooks goal came from forward Benjamin Hoefs with less than six minutes left in the game. After the match Hoefs spoke with El Campo and stated "I scored the most amazing goal in indoor history. I am a German chick-magnet. Come to me girls!" Later that afternoon after speaking with his long-term girlfriend Dorle, the German superstar rescinded the second and third sentences of his quote. Being that El Campo has a record for being fair and balanced the entirety of the quote has been made available.

The Fire played with a talented yet cocky offensive setup and managed to hit two Crooks in the face. Mike Huling an asset for his fast and agile defensive play was hit hard during the second half. Erdal Gursel a spectator at the game commented "I have never seen anyone get lit up like that with a soccer ball." After a few minutes on the sidelines Huling later returned and played well for the remainder of the game, if not a bit wary of the balls projected target. Later during the second half Tim Snyder made an amazing save by taking the ball directly to the face. This save allowed the opposition to win by an eleven point spread instead of twelve. "Every save counts" stated Alexis Horn long-term Snyder girlfriend and defensive player.

The Crooks goalie Tim Snyder was also asked to comment after the game, but instead screamed obscenities at his defensive line and left the pitch with a "I'm not making a F*CKING comment to you ASSH*LES!" Upon hearing Snyder's tirade defensive stronghold and former Mister West Virginia, Justin Sargent said "hell, I made more saves with my body then Snyder did with his hands, I don't know what he's screaming about." After hearing the comments of both Snyder and Sargent defensive player Amy Aubin commented "Snyder is not the type of person the Crooks need as Captain. His smear campaign of Dimbiloglu during the off-season was the first warning sign and today's incident is just icing on the cake."

Though the season has started off on a rough patch the management of the Crooks hope for a strong remainder of the season. At the postgame news conference team captain Dimbiloglu stated "The Crooks weren't called the Pride of Petworth for nothing!"

Scared Pappas Misses Game

(WASHINGTON, DC) - The K Street Crooks attacking midfielder Tony Pappas announced Thursday that he would be unavailable for the team’s weekend showdown against Arko+6. Team sources indicated that he would have loved to have played, but unfortunately was “really, really scared.”

As late as Wednesday world, Pappas insisted he would be available for the Saturday clash, but soon after changed his mind. By Thursday, he had decided not only to miss the game, but to skip town as well, satisfying himself only when he found a ride to Richmond. It is widely believed that this change of heart was related to a seemingly innocuous October 18th organizational email sent by Crooks forward Tim Malacarne.

Intended only as a light-hearted reminder of the game time, Malacarne’s e-mail noted the Crooks previous session 0-3 loss to Arco+6 and compared the team’s hulking Eastern Europen captain Arko to Rocky IV villain Ivan Drago. The association was more powerful than its author imagined however, and soon after Pappas pulled out of the game. “I was just trying to be funny,” Malacarne said. “I figured that since we lost the first match, we could use a little “Eye of the Tiger” Rocky-like desire to pull an upset this time around. Apparently, I was wrong.”

Contacted by El Campo de Petworth, Pappas stated that he had signed up for the District Sports league to “have some fun and get in shape.” He continued on to say that reasons he had not signed up were to “die, get killed, get pummeled to death then die...” He shared that he felt there would be a real possibility of any or all of those happening if he were to play against Arko (pictured left), who he seemed to believe was the actual Ivan Drago. “Come on,” he whimpered, “that guy killed Apollo Creed. Apollo Motherf*ing Creed! Just think what he’d do to me!”

Katelyn McClure is likely to start in place of Pappas. The 5’5”, 110 pound midfielder said that while she “understood [Pappas]’s concerns,” she thought that it would be better for everyone if he “would quit being such a gigantic pussy.”

Crooks Caught on Tape!

(WASHINGTON, DC) - A video of the Crooks in action has surfaced on the popular internet video site YouTube. Shot on a hand-held camera from the side-line, the video was posted by a mysterious entity calling itself SlingshotVideo.

A portion of the video showing looped footage of team captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu putting on his shirt has been cross-posted on the adult-themed site YouPorn.

Week #5 Pics

K Street Crooks VS. Sarah McElhinney's Fantastic Team

Crooks 3 - Fantastic 0

Crooks Commit Caper

(WASHINGTON, DC) An ad hoc K Street Crooks strategy session ended on a positive note Tuesday, as the Crooks committee was able to avoid paying half of their bill. The meeting, held at Sam and Harry’s Steakhouse in downtown Washington, had previously led to few tactical breakthroughs likely to pay dividends for the team's upcoming clash with Arko +6.

“I don’t know what happened,” Crooks member Tim Malacarne was quoted as saying. “There I was thinking I was about to pay enough to register for another soccer season then the bill showed up and was for an amount we could have spent at TGI Fridays.”

Subsequent examinations original documents revealed that while they had been charged for their meal upgrades, the team members and mascot consultant and WAG-extraordinaire Charlotte Gordon were not actually charged for their meals. Thus, ignoring wine, the group paid approximately 100 dollars for three 16 oz. ribeye steaks, two filet mignons, five salads, potatoes au gratin, asparagus, and five desserts.

“I’d been hearing some people had been questioning our team name credentials,” said Crooks captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. “‘Yeah, you work on K Street, sure, but crooks?’ they’d say, ‘you guys play at a field where there are drug busts and you think you hard’. Well, I guess we showed them.”

Reports from those present at the restaurant indicate that Dimbiloglu did everything suspicious possible so that the restaurant might discover their mistake, including, but not limited to: suddenly shifting all conversations into whispers when the waiter approached, fidgeting wildly, and thanking the server for “doing that.”

Crooks captain drops team, will play alone.

(WASHINGTON, DC) K Street Crooks captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu announced Wednesday via the District Sports website that he will be the illustrious team’s only member during the summer 2007 campaign. In a tersely worded player list (available here), Dimbiloglu excluded every player save himself from the roster.

Speculation had been rife in DC soccer circles that the Crooks would look to make changes after a 0-7-1 spring season, but few were ready for such dramatic action. The team had been reported to be on the verge of several new player signings, but in the end, opted to instead subtract nearly all the old ones. Dimbiloglu’s exact motives for the purge are unclear but it is widely speculated that it is somehow related to emerging philosophical differences him and top Crooks team members, possibly over the relative merits of backgammon.

In informal statements, the captain characterized the shift as a tactical one. He stated that he didn’t believe his talents were able to be fully utilized in a traditional, seven player lineup. “I’m really fast,” he said, “and that helps me when I play on the flanks. But I’m also great on the ball and gifted with superb vision, which makes me a natural central mid. My first touch and eye for goal are unparalleled, so I don’t see any better candidates for striker and don’t even get me started about my defensive tenacity. I just felt the other 6 players on the pitch would make me – and the team – worse.”

When contacted by El Campo de Petworth about the Dimbiloglu’s plan to play alone, former defender Justin Sargent responded, “I'm confused? Are we talking about his lady skills or what?”

Former netminder Tim Snyder took the news harder, declaring that the move is “indicative of [Dimiloglu's] entire philosophy regarding the team. Despite his abilities, it's a decidedly "me-first" attitude the severity of which I haven't seen since the hey-days of fascism." He also termed it “laugh-y.”

When told of his teammates response, the newly minted attacking-midleft flank back appeared incredulous. “What’s wrong with them?” he asked rhetorically, “It’s not like I didn’t arrange for them to buy awesome t-shirts that they can wear when they come to cheer me on.”

Despite his obvious confidence, only time will tell if Dimbiloglu’s gambit will pay off against deeper teams such as perennial powerhouses It Burns When IP (roster) and Fresh Tread (roster).

Captain Oh Captain?

(Capitol Hill - DC) Controversial Turkish international and Crooks captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu was recently spotted partying after the team's crushing defeat in the league finale.

An anonymous source tipped El Campo de Petworth that Dimbiloglu, sometimes known as the Paris Hilton of Petsworth, spent much of the evening drinking and gyrating to pop beats at Grand Central, a Washington DC nightspot. The captain has long been criticized in the media for his party habits but one has to wonder if this time the fans and the locker room may decide he’s gone too far and demand a change.

One Crook, who asked to remain nameless do to concerns about his future place in the starting line up, stated that it was not necessarily the drinking that bothered him - after all drowning sorrows in alcohol is a time honored and manly sporting tradition - but the carefee attitude Dimbiloglu seemed to take. "I mean come on," the player said, "the guy just captained a team that got their ass kicked worse than normal. And for our team, normal is already pretty bad."

A second team member was less harsh in his criticisms, but remarked that if "Mustafa is going to sell out our team for pair of tits and two legs, he could at least find some that weren't twice the size of his.....the legs I mean, not the tits, those are ok, being being bigger than his I mean, I guess, you know what I'm trying to say." Later in the interview the same player made a possibly sincere offer to buy his leader a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt that he'd once seen on the internet.

Asked about the incident Mustafa showed little remorse, simply stating “I love to dance......”

Trouble on K Street perhaps?

Crooks win something!

(ROSSLYN, Va.) - Shaking off three months of disappointment, K Street Crooks members Mustafa Dimbiloglu, Eric Cederbaum and Tim Malacarne got their first taste of unified victory last night in Rosslyn, Virginia. Playing with a non-Crook (a random, semi-competent but fairly tall Asian guy), the team triumphed in a heart-pounding game of playground basketball. The Crooks called upon perseverance and clutch outside shooting to stage a come from behind win in the game to seven.

Cederbaum impressed in his debut, successfully translating the intensity that made him a bocce champion onto the basketball court. Over the course of the evening, he averaged 8.2 rebounds per game to lead all players. "I knew Eric was going to bring a winner's mentality to the Crooks," said team captain Dimbiloglu, "but even I was impressed how fast it happened. That was a veteran team we faced today and to step up like that and get the win was a big step for us." The Crooks will now hope that Cederbaum's aggressive play translates as easily to the soccer pitch as it did to the basketball court.

While much of the threesomes success was attributed to Cederbaum's example and strong play, other commentators traced the Crooks success to the fact they they were not wearing their dignity-sapping pink jerseys.

Capello linked to Crooks move

(MADRID, Spain) - Despite leading the club to its first major title in four years, Real Madrid manager Fabio Capello acknowledged that it was the prerogative of club president to replace him if he so desired. Talking to Spanish sports daily AS, Capello stated that he would have no choice leave the club if the president and board chose to go with Getafe manager Bernd Schuster, but he would expect to be paid every last cent owed him on the remaining two years of his contract.

Seizing on the degree of financial freedom such a buyout would afford, world soccer fans began speculating on possible destinations for the former Juventus, AC Milan and AC Roma head man. A popular choice has been the K Street Crooks. The Crooks, a Washington DC based club currently playing in District Sports' Petworth 7v7 Coed League, would appear an attractive option for the Italian for several reasons. First, their preferred 4-2 alignment fits well with Capello's fundamentally defensive footballing philosophy. With physical defenders Justin Sargent and Amy Aubin at his disposal, Capello could continue to play the "catenaccio" style of football that has served him so well in the top leagues of Europe.

Real Madrid is expected to announce their choice of trainer for the 2007/08 season in the coming week. When they do, Capello's future will become much clearer.

K Street Crooks Celebrate Spring Season, Introduce New Player

(WASHINGTON, DC) - The K Street Crooks celebrated the conclusion of District Sports' Petworth 7v7 Spring Soccer League Sunday with a barbecue at the home of team captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu. While devouring hamburgers, hot dogs, and elusively named chicken skewers, the Crooks relived a season that saw them go 0-7-1.* Popular topics of conversation included how the team was able to give up so many last minute goals and how grateful everyone was for the existence of FC Meridian with occasional references were made to the "Small Penis League" in remembrance of former goalie MarkodLoucas.

Not content to toast the past, the Crooks also looked to the future with the introduction of Eric Cederbaum. Team officials hope that the former bocce champion's winning mentality will help inspire a locker room too often marked by complacency during the previous season. When asked where he thought me might fit into the team, Cederbaum replied "Probably defense," immediately showing a keen grasp of the teams favoured 5-1 formation.

Surprising some observers, no team member left the gathering in a state likely to cause following morning headaches or nausea. An anonymous source was quoted as saying that maybe Dimbiloglu should host such a get together on nights prior to games.


*Team member Dorothy Nederman actually reminisced about a season in which the team went 1-7-0 but was confused.