PITCH POINTS for JUNE 22-29, 2008

A Roundup of All Things K Street in Individual 100 Calorie Servings for the Diet-Conscious

• Defender/Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu and Forward Tim Malacarne were inducted into the K Street Block of Honor prior to last Sunday's game. Both, present since incorporation, were given signed soccer balls for their efforts. The pre-game presentation moved both to tears: Dimbiloglu shedding tears of pride; Malacarne tears of fury. Goalkeeper Tim Snyder, who presented the balls to the retiring Crooks, inaccurately said the match was the forward's last. According to team by-laws, the word of a Crook is infallible and binding, making Malacarne ineligible for the season's final two matches. Sources close to Malacarne told el Campo that he was considering "several options" ranging from name change, lawsuit and sex change.

• The worst defeat on Sunday did not come at the hands of the opposing team but rather a neighborhood bully. The unnamed minor, shown right, defeated Dimbiloglu in a staring contest during the first half. The pink leader attempted to soothe the pain of his loss with the final piece of watermelon given to the team by one-time Crook Defender Charlotte Gordon. The young tyrant took exception to this act, and the part where Mustafa stuck his tongue out at the child, and began to headbutt Dimbiloglu. The fearless leader quickly subbed back into the relative safety of the ongoing game, whereupon he immediately got into an altercation with an opposing striker. The Crooks surely will have a tough time filling the void left by this great leader.

• But, they will try. The Crooks announced a change in team governance in a statement released Friday. "Upon Dimbiloglu's departure, control of the team will revert to an unnamed Council of Elders who will guide the team into the future," the press release read. The new cadre, comprised largely of anonymous individuals, said they were "eager to return K Street to its traditional roots." In a response to a request for clarification from el Campo, the Council of Elders quickly corrected that they did not mean the previous tradition of winless seasons and double-digit defeats.

• Surely the first test of this new group's mettle will be its handling of a critical security breach. On Sunday, el Campo was tipped off that a key leader of a neo-Crook terrorist organization was filming the K Street sideline during the match. A team spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the damage from the breach would "likely be devastating" and force the team to return to "Square One." The team has contacted the office of DC Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton to examine the possibility of Congressional hearings on the issue. The team will likely now have to quickly readjust not only its set-pieces but its entire new-look offense. "It's unfortunate," said a confidential team source, "that offense yielded us a whopping zero points since we implemented it two games ago. I don't know how we can possibly improve on that type of productivity."

• Whether or not they can figure it out will be decided in the team's final two matches, announced Monday. The team faces Real Awesome (previously defeated 2-1) on July 13th at 4:00 and the K Street Knock Offs the following Sunday at 3:00. The Crooks will play both matches without the services of Tony Pappas (Turkish VD), Mustafa Dimbiloglu (Turkish Pastries), Alexis Horn (Turkish Celebrities) and Tim Snyder (Turkish Heat Exhaustion).
  

Homecoming, Perfect Season Ruined

Big Jerks to Blame

CAPITOL HILL: The 2008 Homecoming Game for the K Street Crooks took a tragic turn on Sunday. The Crooks suffered their first loss of the campaign, 2-0 in front of a capacity crowd. Among the three people there were one-time Crook sub Charlotte Gordon and Forward Mark Corcoran's only fan, Ari. The team videographer was also in attendance but graciously left her camera at home.

The team, who attempted to equalize the game halfway through the second half with an own-goal, was not available after the game. Forward Tim Malacarne was seen flailing his legs violently into the air, ostensibly kicking at where he thought the Gatorade cooler should have been. Gordon, speaking on behalf of the team, said "yeah it was really tough for the team. To put it in perspective it's like when like Carrie (horse-faced actress on Sex and the City) went to go buy these totally awesome shoes but she like didn't have money cause her credit got declined." Clarifying further for the perplexed press, "Today, their credit was declined. It's sad, but they'll learn something about responsible shopping and will bounce right back."

Near-injury was added to insult at the post-game Homecoming parade, further proving why homecoming parades should not be held after games. Homecoming King Tony Pappas barely escaped serious injury when a float (right) smashed into his overly masculine 300 themed conveyance. The King flew ass-over-teakettle off the float, landing 20 feet away. "Go tell the Spartans, passerby, that here by Spartan law, we lie," he murmured to Forward/Spectator Ben Hoefs who replied, "Um... auf Deutsch, bitte?" Pappas is expected to start Sunday.

The Homecoming Dance on Sunday night wasn't any better. Defender Mike Huling decided to go for the hair-of-the-dog and showed up to the Ball in a toga (left). It is unclear why he was covered in French's but vigorously declared that he was "not yeller about his mustard!" The worst came when Defender Alexis Horn and Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu got into a heated dispute with the DJ. When, under direction from the rest of the team and common sense, the disc jockey refused to play Hanson or Hootie, the two defenders took down the the speakers and PA equipment in a shower of sparks that would make any 70's rocker proud. "MMM BOP THIS!" Horn was heard screaming. Her roommate, goalkeeper Tim Snyder, told el Campo "yeah, she does that sometimes. Just gotta make sure you keep Starburst jelly beans in the house...."

The team hopes to focus all of this divergent energy towards a single goal this Sunday at 4:00 PM when they take on TK's Team at the Capitol Hill Pitch. The Crooks will play without key defender Joanne Breznay who recently was called up to the ranks of MLS. Breznay starts as Defensive Flag-waver for DC United when they take on the San Joesey Earthquakes. Forward Ben Hoefs is questionable with a Hogan's Heroes marathon that needs watching.

Crooks Beat Heat, Sweaty People

Arrival of subs late in first half brings joy, heat stroke

By Tim and Tim, Senior (Only) Writers

The K Street Crooks defeated the Toodle-oo Adu's on Sunday, 2-0, amid heat indexes topping 100 degrees. The team played the first half without subs and with a rented goalie after a scheduling error delayed three defenders and the starting goalkeeper. "We drove as fast as we could," said defender/bus driver Justin Sargent. "The whole time we were thinking about how we could make it up to the Crooks we abandoned. But then when we got out of the car, all we were thinking was "Goddamn, it's hot out here."

The already present Crooks welcomed their teammates arrival by not punching them in the face. Joanne Breznay summed up this token of the team's appreciation, saying "Well, we probably would have, but by then we were too exhausted. It was really hot."

Crook Forward Tony Pappas broke his scoring slump in the first half, poking a loose ball in the penalty area right past the sweaty keeper. "It was great. I saw the ball right in the open there and I just thought to myself 'it's freaking hot out here.'"

Utilityman Jon Carpenter was a force to be reckoned with in the midfield during the second half. "He was everywhere," said netminder Snyder, "There were balls that I didn't think anyone was going to get to in time and I was thinking 'man, I think I'm boiling alive' and then in comes Carpenter to clear it and I just thought 'dear God, is this what hell feels like?' Oh, and for some reason, I really wanted a turkey leg."

Forward Tim Malacarne vaulted to the top of the scoring table in the second half putting a beautiful ball in the lower right through the legs of the sunburned goalie. "I saw that ball go in," said Forward Logan Kendall, "and I was just thinking 'is two goals enough for a mercy rule? Because I don't have any sweat left. Unless my sweat can sweat...." "That goal was a Godsend for all of us," said defender Alexis Horn after the game, "it really iced the win." "WHO SAID ICE?!?" screamed Pappas from the field.

While he managed to pad his personal statistics, Malacarne clearly suffered some ill effects from his efforts Sunday. Feeling poorly later that night, the forward decided he was unable to go to work on time the next morning. El Campo de Petworth has managed to obtain the actual email where he attempts to communicate this fact to his boss:

from tim.malacarne@gmail.com
to ckelly@gmail.com (Ed: not her email address)
date Mon, Jun 9, 2008 at 2:50 AM
subject Sick dau (Ed: not a word)

Dear Cindy,
I seem to have some sort of colror passing day. Talk to you sson,
Tim

Experts are still trying to determine exactly what the hell he was talking about.

Such exhaustion was clearly related to the fact that the team played without the services of three key players. Mike Huling, defender/midfielder, was in Kenya training for a 200 mile run. "Don't blame me," he said haughtily by telephone, "it was freaking hot there too." Forward Ben Hoefs, however, was sitting in an air conditioned apartment watching the Germans play in the Euro 2008. "At least it wasn't squash," he said. "That'd be inexcusable." The team apparently felt otherwise and signaled plans to bench him in favor of his brother. *

Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu spent the weekend in the Dominican Republic nursing a daquiri injury. The National Association of Bitch Drinks reported in a 2005 study that Turks in spandex are "particularly vulnerable" to daquiri injuries. The team was particularly unhappy with Dimbiloglu for flagrantly lying to Malacarne about the availability of the team water jug. The latter, along with Pappas, had offered to go out of their way to ensure that it was available. Dimbiloglu not only provided no assistance, he stalled their efforts until he could flee the country and thus render the container unreachable.

This deception brought long-boiling frustrations with the captain's leadership to a head and a vote of no confidence was called for during pre-game warmups. Captain aspirant Tim Snyder appeared to have finally achieved his long held goal of wresting control of the team from its Turkish leader. Snyder and his hand-picked posse failed to show up before halftime, however, and the six Crooks that were present failed to reach the necessary seven person quorum needed to impeach Dimbiloglu. "We missed a key opportunity by neglecting to recognize the fierce urgency of then," said Snyder's campain spokesman of the failed vote, "but we are the campaign of hope and we will not ignore the fierce urgency of now - or next Sunday."

The Crooks will undoubtedly be wearing their long-sleeved electric melon kits as they face the Crustacean Devils on Sunday at 1:00 PM. The weather is slated to be an icy 85 degrees.


* "OK," one anonymous team member was quoted as saying, "so it's not really a new plan..."

Cactus, Captain's Commitment Rot to Death

El Campo de Petworth's Green Issue


Arlington County Fire and EMS personnel were summoned to the apartment of K Street's Alexis Horn and Tim Snyder on Tuesday night, but their efforts were in vain. Snyder called 911 at 10:35 PM to report that his cactus (shown left), a gift from Team Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu, was unconscious and slumped over its pot. Lieutenant Steve Palmer told the media that all attempts to upright the plant and revive it failed. It was pronounced dead at 10:59 PM.

The autopsy, completed Wednesday morning, confirmed that the cactus's root system (below, right) "was completely rotted due to the extensive rains recently." "It's sad," Snyder said outside of his apartment after hearing the news. "That gift was a thank you from Mustafa for our commitment to the team and a symbol of our [Dimbiloglu, Snyder and Horn] continued dedication to bringing great soccer to K Street."

The death came at a very symbolic time for the team. Dimbiloglu's roots on K Street have rotted as well. After missing three weeks to go on an eating tour of the upper Midwest, Dimbiloglu will miss the team's match again this week to go gallivant around the Dominican Republic with a college buddy. "For the longest time," a team representative who asked to remain anonymous stated, "Mustafa was the round, prickly, staunch anchor of the K Street Crooks. Now, like this cactus, he's completely uprooted himself from our team."

John Stevenson, president of the Council for Leadership Analysis, told El Campo that Dimbiloglu's mental disconnect began well before his current furlough. "Dimbiloglu first missed an indoor game last season because he claimed he forgot about the match and had to go to Michigan for an undisclosed reason. Team members had to rent cars to get to the game, incurring costs well in excess of their annual salary. That started the slide. Since then, he's discontinued supplying his troops with potable water, leaving them to wither in the DC summer heat." The captain even changed his allegiance in the world of internet messaging. No longer is his Google Talk icon the K Street Crook, which he replaced with a mug shot of himself. An anonymous team source, speaking on condition of anonymity, identified that as the turning point for Mustafa and K Street. ""It symbolized how it all became about him, and there's no Mustafa in team," the source reminded El Campo. Dimbiloglu refused to comply with a team ruling requiring him to buy the team ice cream after their win last week. Reports from Glover Park indicate that forward Tim Malacarne is stumbling around with low blood sugar and generally looking emaciated.


Despite the demise of their captain's commitment, the remainder of the team has thrived under the pouring rains of their success. The team, undefeated and firmly entrenched at the top of the table, resembles Snyder's lemon tree (left) more closely. "It's grown three feet since March. We've won five games since March. Coincidence?" Led by stellar defense, often left without Dimbiloglu's help, the team has only let in 2 goals all season. By comparison, two goals were scored in the first minute of each indoor game last season. Offensive production has increased dramatically with the number of shots leaving the field on moon-bound trajectory now down to a minimum. "We haven't yet put one in the public pool [located 30 yards from the end-line, surrounded by 10 feet fencing]," said leading shooter Ben Hoefs.

The team, looking to extend their streaks of five straight wins and three straight shutouts, faces 4th ranked [Goodbye in Foreign Language] Adu on Sunday. Many Crooks will travel to Vienna, VA after the test to seek the counsel and leadership of an aging pot-addled sage. The unnamed confidant told El Campo that he understands "Somewhere, somehow somebody [Dimbiloglu] must have kicked [the Crooks] around some. I hope they tell me why they wanna lay there and revel in their abandon. They don't have to live like refugees, you know."

The Other Tim, El Campo de Petworth's Art Director, contributed to this report.

Press Conference Transcript 0528

On Wednesday, May 28, the K Street Crooks held a press conference to discuss the current state of the team. The team's representative spoke on the condition of anonymity, not wanting to be named while discussing rec-league soccer with more seriousness than it warrants.

Team Rep: Thank you all for coming. Before we begin, a few notes: The K Street Crooks have remained the first place team in the District Sports Capitol Hill league, despite not playing this week. The team wanted to acknowledge the support of those who have stayed with them through their losing seasons. They asked that I take the time to name these supporters individually, but my staff has run into some considerable difficulty trying to identify these fans. We are working on it, I can assure you that, and when we do have that list I will pass it along to you. In other news, Team Captain Mustafa Dimbiloglu rejoins the team this week after a three-week absence as will the defensive tandem of Amy Aubin and Justin Sargent. The team will be playing without forward Tim Malacarne this week, who will be out for non-medical reasons. I think that's about it, let's get to questions. Um... Joe.

Joe Baker (SoccerNetDaily): [Team Rep], you mentioned that Dimbiloglu returns this week. Any idea where he was?

Team Rep: Um, not specifically, Joe. He said that he went to the Rocky Mountains to fight bears.

Baker: Fight bears? What is his status for this week's game, then? Is he ok to go?

Team Rep: He reported to walkthroughs today slightly overweight and that raised some concern, but he should be fine now that he has to pay for his food. We understand that his meals throughout the trip were paid for by an outside entity, a liberty of which he took great advantage.

Let me take a minute to address rumors that Dimbiloglu has had no form of athletic activity since leaving the team. He did mention this in an internal email leaked on Tuesday evening. We can confirm that he did climb a set of stairs on May 22 when the escalator he was on stopped running. We have some pictures that my office will send out to you immediately after this.

Steve?

Steve Jones (Forbes): Can you update us on the latest developments in the scandal with the table?

Team Rep: Sure, Steve. As you know El Campo reported this week that the score for the last test was incorrectly reported and our opponent was awarded an imaginary goal. [Forward] Ben [Hoefs] contacted the league, but we have reason to believe he was just screaming at them in German. As a result, I don't believe he has heard back. We're now looking at other avenues to resolve this, up to and including sending Tony [Pappas, Player/Coach] over there with flaming bags of poo. We believe he has already consumed four cans of Hormel Chili and is working on a fifth for us.

OK, how about Jane.

Jane Wallace (ESPN The Ocho): How about Ben Hoefs? We heard that he was a bit banged up after the last test, something about an ego contusion? Can you comment on this?

Team Rep: Ben's fine. His brother showed him up bad that last game and that takes a lot for a man of his fortitude to overcome. Especially as it is his younger brother. But, I was at the team's scrimmage on Sunday and his brother showed him up again, this time Ben handled it much better. We expect him to be 100% by Sunday, or at least 79% if Timo shows up.

Bob?

Bob Johnson (Radio Free Europe): [Team Rep], we've heard reports that [Goalkeeper Tim] Snyder played out of the net during the last scrimmage, any truth to the rumors that he'll be starting in place of Malacarne this weekend?

Team Rep: Let me be clear. Snyder played well in practice. He beat Malacarne on one play, kicked two or three shots right where we like them - 50 feet over the net - and even managed to cleat the banished Amber Lovell in the shin. That said, no chance in hell. His skills and his conditioning just weren't there and we're not convinced he can grow a faux-hawk in time. He's more valuable to us standing in the way-too-big penalty area spraying goal kicks 90 feet in the air or off [Defender Mike] Huling's head.

Johnson: Quick follow up - Any truth to the rumors that Malacarne is away this week to discuss a possible transfer?

Team Rep: We haven't heard that. He said he had to go home and help his parents clean the refrigerator in case they need to hide in it to survive a nuclear blast. We have no reason not to believe that story. Dan?

Dan Posey (Wilson Quarterly): The team is in first place for the first time not due to basic alphabetizing, how are the Crooks handling all the pressure?

Team Rep: I'll be honest, both good and bad. [Defender/Offender] Joanne [Breznay] has asked for more protection from our internal security to keep the paparazzi at bay, Al- what?

Posey: Your security - that's the crazy Barra Brava dude with the drum right?

Team Rep: You'll have to be more specific, but it's one of them. Um... wait, what?

Posey: Sorry, any truth to the rumors that she is being stalked by a teammate?

Team Rep: Lots of rumors that Joanne may be being stalked by Alexis [Horn, defender] who has been known to dabble in such activities. I think if you dug a little deeper and looked at the Hanson Tour schedule, you'd realize that's mathmatically impossible.

But yeah, back to the point, other than that one instance, life on K Street is much the same as it was when the team was 0-7-1. Last one: Lisa?

Lisa Simpson (Springfield Inquirier): [Team Rep], we heard that Captain Dimbiloglu has been disciplined for an unspecified breach of team rules, can you elaborate?

Team Rep: Sure, Lisa, but briefly - we like to deal with these matters internally. Dimbiloglu passed an edict before the start of the season that all team business should be transacted through the team management website, known as TeamSnap. If you'll recall, Justin Sargent and Mark Corcoran have both been suspended and fined for failing to respond to Dimbiloglu's requests for information through TeamSnap in a timely fashion earlier this season. Yesterday, he emailed the team outside of the system to set up a practice which Hoefs had already called for on TeamSnap. It was an embarrassment for the entire organization. We had to do something, it's important that we enforce the rules the same way whether we're winning or losing. So we handled it.

Simpson: What was his punishment?

Team Rep: The Kangaroo Court ruled that if the team wins despite his transgression Sunday, he has to buy the entire team ice cream. That seemed fairest for us.

OK, thanks guys. That's all for today. We'll meet again next week. Go Crooks.

Scandal at District Sports

On Sunday May 18, the Crooks of K Street steamrolled the Blue Jay opposition in Washington, DC. Through a pot-holed pitch, hurricane-like weather, and half the team coming down with Pneumonia, the relentless Crooks attacked with Chuck Norris-like accuracy to take a 5-0 win. Two goals scored by Tim M, one by John Carpenter, one by Logan, and one by the youngest Hoefs brother. Anybody with a brain larger than a pomegranate apple can add up those goals, with the help of Excel, and come to 5. That's five goals: Fuenf, Cinq, cinqo.

Upon realization of their stunning victory, District Sports (the international governing board of DC soccer) awarded the Blue Jays with one goal. To which the goalie (Tony Pappas' friend from work who played goalie before and this author met him again at the airport one day after the game at the security line but forgot his name) replied: "I touched the ball twice, on passes that happened to come in my direction, unless I blacked out for a short period of time, the round thing did not enter the rectangle."

This drastically alters the league standings as well. Eventhough the Crooks would remain at the top of the table, the Goal Differential would increase by 2 to (goals for: 14, goals against 2). This could mean the difference between the Crooks playing in next year's Champions League or in the UEFA Cup, and we all know the UEFA Cup means nothing.

Some sort of scandelous act must be occurring at District Sports. A nameless Crooks player was quoted saying, "it's our sister team (FC K Street) trying to deny us of precious points in an attempt to win the Championship." Is this true or just a rumor? Time will tell.

Crooks Wunderkind Ben told the press earlier today, "a full investigation is in the works ... we shall leave no paper unturned, no person unquestioned. We shall prevail, we are ... the K Street Crooks."

Legion of Crooks Win Again

The K Street Crooks continued their winning ways Sunday with a 5-0 victory over the Blue Jays. The game was most notable for numerous previously absent team members answering last weeks Campo de Petworth call to action and returning, often with friends, to give the Crooks the advantage of having 61 available substitutes. The Blue Jays were unable to deal with wave after wave of fresh legs, and they soon sunk beneath the sea of red jerseys to defeat.

The Crooks controlled the game from the opening whistle, but struggled to translate their possession into scoring opportunities. Finally, having hit the post moments before, forward Tim Malacarne thrust K Street into the lead, beating the goalie after a run down the right side. Soon after, Malacarne again hit the right post, this time with a header off a Ben Hoefs corner. Eventually, he did manage to double the tally right before halftime, taking advantage of a Blue Jays mistake.

The Crooks went to the break with a lead, but knew that the game was still competitive. Malacarne seemed particularly dissatisfied with the first half result. “It’s freaking rec league, coed soccer,” he was heard bellowing, “who the hell cares SOOOOO much that they have to go out and move the goal six inches to the left!” Malacarne was so flustered that the team was forced to bench him for the majority of the second half.

The second period was characterized by the Crooks winning a war of attrition and skill. Soon after the restart, Timo Hoefs did what his brother was unable to and fired home from range to give the red team a more comfortable lead. Then Jon Carpenter got on the end of a movement involving Malacarne and the less good Hoefs to score a goal that appeared to be a product of an actual soccer team. The excellence on display so delighted unofficial coach Tony Pappas that he rushed onto the field yelling about a funny feeling in his shorts. Crooks scattered, but upon his return to the sideline he was offered a place by the FC K Street management for their next game. He quickly accepted and later scored.

Logan Kendall capped the scoring with a marvelous chip over the onrushing Blue Jays goalie.

While the goal scorers were the recipients of the glory, accolades and fawning postgame “affections” of the legions of hot fangirls who line Capitol Hill Field every Sunday (except Malacarne who quickly rushed home to see his girlfriend), the victory was truly a team effort. While not obvious to the casual observer even Ben Hoefs, while unable to score, contributed by providing an assist and thirteen extra players, a team best. Notable among them was Marko Loukas. Loukas was not only solid in defense, he also provided insurance that, due to a previous vendetta, should Crooks captain-in-exile Mustafa Dimbiloglu unexpectedly show up for the game, he would be beaten to death before he could take the field and imperil the team’s chance at a perfect season.