Shorthanded Crooks Get the Snot Beaten Out of Them

“I was bruised and battered,
I couldn’t tell what I felt,
I was unrecognizable to myself,
Saw my reflection in a window,
Didn’t know my own face,
So brother, are you gonna leave me wastin’ away,
On the streets of P and 17th…..”

The immutable words of The Boss can only capture a glimpse of the scene that occurred this past Sunday in Dupont Circle. Paired with the only undefeated team in the league, the skeleton-crew Crooks were hurting well before the opening whistle. While the Crooks waited in vain for a 6th and 7th player to arrive, the ‘Chupacabras’ laced up their steel toe boots, slid on their brass knuckles and expertly adjusted the steel plates up their sleeves. It was going to get ugly- 7 goals to 0 ugly.
Fortunately, the bloodbath that ensued was only seen by a few – a few that will be scarred for life, for sure. Any fans keeping track of goals, fouls, yellow cards, ejections and blown tempers that afternoon likely needed to make a halftime CVS-run to replenish their notepads and pens.
However, if the Crooks have proven to be anything over these past 4 years, it’s that they are masochistic - err, resilient. Rest assured, those that are back in one piece next weekend will return to Dupont for another shot at victory. Will you be there?

Shady Dealings on K Street

Readers, a curious situation is brewing in Dupont Circle. Witnesses to the K Street Crooks first game of the season all testify to a match ending in a 1-0 loss for the pink warriors. An unfortunate result for sure, but one that happens even to the best of teams from time to time. At the second game of the season, onlookers saw an improved squad that battled its way to a 2-2 draw. Again, a bit of an unfortunate result for the storied club, but not wholly undeserved.
Now here comes the kicker.
As the ink began to dry on the El Campo 2-game wrap-up, a masterful, if a bit morose, column on the Crooks fall to the lower echelons of the standings, a diligent little El Campo intern decided to double-check the stats in the story before it headed out the door. A loss in Game 1 yielded 0 points, and a tie in Game 2 yielded 1 point, for a total of 1 point. The intern compared these figures with the official table on www.districtsports.org, and couldn’t believe his budding young-professional eyes. Clear as day, there on the official table, the K Street Crooks are holding 3 points. A win and a loss are tallied.
Yes, dear readers, it seems the accounting ghosts of Crooks past are with us again. The shady bookkeeping roots of the pink organization are legendary in these parts, and quite frankly, we at El Campo are not surprised at the obvious stat fixing. We’re almost comforted, in fact, by the apparent presence of those long lost Crooks. The Sargent duo, the Hoefs brothers, the elusive Cedarbaum, or the ever-wily former captain Dimbiloglu… whoever is responsible for this latest rec league con surely has the full support of Pink Nation. Onward and upward folks, in any way possible.

Stay tuned to see if the Ghost of Moose returns next week as the Crooks take on FSR Crew at 4pm.

Crooks Steal Silver in Dupont

The final game of the season was a 1-0 stunner, featuring a rare goal by defender/captainess Breznay in the first half. After a classic boot up field, the Crooks looked on as the opposition bobbled the ball in front of their goal and let it roll on into the net. That’s right, an assist on an own-goal. (Folks, you just can’t buy that kind of talent).

So, the final stats are in, and the books are closed. The K Street Crooks have claimed second place in the District Sports Spring 2010 Dupont league with an admirable 6-2 record. First place was claimed by Deportivo Messi who never even had the privilege to play (ahem, lose) against the Crooks.

To wrap up the season, El Campo’s very own in-house statistician ‘Lou’ has come up with a number of interesting facts and figures about the season:
1.Attendance = Wins. It’s no wonder that very few Crooks recall the two losses this season. According to the 2010 data compiled, the Crooks had a 98% chance of winning when more than 4 players showed up.
2.Hair Gel = Goals. Originally considered more of a joke than a legitimate observation, El Campo has in fact concluded that players who used more hair gel than usual – more than 2 globs – scored on average 1.3 more goals than their ungreased teammates.
3.Strangers are Good. For an unprecedented four times this season, the Crooks were forced to beg rival goalkeepers to join their squad. While the idea of having an opponent guarding your own goal isn’t exactly ideal, the move by and large panned out for the Crooks – 3 out of 4 times (Thanks Mom, for telling me not to talk to strangers).
4.The Ref Effect. The attitude of the referee had a significant effect on the outcome of each match. At first it seemed to form a typical direct relationship of how much the ref cared about the game to how well the Crooks performed. This data held fast and true in each match, save the infamous ‘lady-ref-crushing-on-Bill’ match. The Crooks played exceptionally well that afternoon even though the referette could care less about the game behind her. If you recall, handballs and slide tackles fell way beyond her periphery while she focused solely on Bill’s baby-blues and curly locks. Stats from that game completely screwed up our nice, even line graph and therefore El Campo has chosen to remove the data from the system.

Offseason notes: Many of the Crooks will be taking a break this summer to go join in the global search for their long-lost striker Stefan Georg. At last facebook update, nearly 3 months ago, he was getting ready to go out to an underground hippie convention in the Australian bush. There has been no word from him since, and, even more alarmingly, no obscene photos of him have emerged on the internet either. The team is very worried and hopes to find their former teammate sober-ish and in one piece. Pending a successful rescue mission, the team will re-group for the Dupont league again in the Fall.

El Campo, Crooks, Overwhelmed By Hasib Media Blitz

First off, my sincere apologies, dear readers, for the delay in this posting. The media storm surrounding the Crooks match from two weeks ago was so great, that all cable, internet, phone and carrier pigeon lines in and out of El Campo’s offices have been completely tied up until now. This tremendous disruption (in case you’ve been living under a rock), has obviously been due to the extraordinary play of rookie striker Waqar Hasib.
The K Street Crooks were battling Team America that afternoon… a middle-of-the-board team with a bottom-of-the-board goal count. The game started quickly enough, with the Crooks enjoying the bulk of possession over America throughout the first half. Midway through the second half, it became very clear the Crooks were just plain better than America, and it was only a matter of ‘when’ they would strike, not ‘if’. Sure enough, in the 43rd minute, Hasib stepped up. The Crooks’ mighty offense pushed the ball forward, and suddenly popped the ball up in a high cross to midfield. The ball was coming down right into the midst of three giant America defenders, all snapping for the ball at once, when, out of nowhere, our hero of the day sprung up above them all and guided a masterful header like a rocket into the back of the net.
The sold-out crowd went wild. Never before had they seen such power, such brilliant, raw talent displayed on the field. It was breathtaking, magnificent. Hasib was immediately bombarded by the paparazzi, and throngs of Dupont fans threw themselves at him, camera phones in hand.
Post-game interviews with his fellow teammates were equally positive.“Oh he’s going places, for sure,” commented fellow striker Jim “Jimmy” Olsen, “I wouldn’t be surprised if he ditched us for the CPL next year” Olsen added, alluding to the Cardozo Premier League, an elite 7v7 Tuesday night high school gym league, located on the ritzy side of U Street.
Hasib's future was a hot question on many of his stops on the national talk show circuit following the heralded match. No decision has been made yet, but I believe this reporter speaks for many Crooks fans in hoping Hasib remains in the neon pink jersey for many seasons to come.

Stay tuned for a season wrap-up as the Crooks close out their 2010 Dupont campaign.

Rookies Shine in Sunday Scorcher

There may be a lot of pink shirts in Dupont Circle, but none were brighter than those of the K Street Crooks this weekend. As the sun blazed down on their neon threads, the Crooks bravely fought their way to a blistering, sweltering, MF-hot 2-1 win.
The goals this week came from two rookies. The first, a rocket from 20 yards out, came off the foot of Andrew Dawson – a close friend and last-minute substitution to the busted up Jimmy Olsen. “I’m no replacement, I’m an upgrade” quipped Dawson. The second goal, the game-winner, was a masterful header late in the second half by the Argentine phenom, Juan Mascheroni. Mascheroni danced circles around the opponent all afternoon, and only decided to score when he “really felt like it.”
With two games to go, the Crooks still have a very good chance to rebound into the top of the standings. Stay tuned for for further updates!

Rookie Helps Crooks Rise Above Mere Numbers

In a stunning turn of events, the Crooks defeat (0-2) was overturned by a council of District Sports authorities - proving once again that Providence is on the side of pink warriors. The drama unfolded on the Dupont pitch last Saturday. On a beautiful spring day, the field was dotted with shades of pink and purple…spring flowers you ask? No, the pastel delight was provided by an excellent choice in jersey by District Sports manager Alex Bearman. Although the Crooks did not play to their potential (former crook and soon to be bride Alexis Horn can be blamed for that) squandering many chances to score and leaving an injured goalie to face the purple menace alone, it seems that the Crooks have many more untapped skills outside the pitch on which they can rely.


This tale begins in the off-season. During the winter break, Crook sophomore Jimmy Olsen did some in depth, highly researched recruitment. By this we mean he stumbled in a drunken haze down the hall of his apartment and asked his roommate Bill Gingher “hey you wanna play some soccer?” Little did Mr. Olsen know that his enlistment would have far reaching ramifications.


The game on Sunday was littered with missed calls - hand balls in the box and wrongly called throw ins, just to name a few. Many spectators believed this was the result of an apathetic referee, who had better things to do than stand around all day watching mediocre yuppies kick the ball around. They could not have been more wrong, her calls were not the result of incompetence but rather, love. From the first “goalie are you ready” it was amour – as she stared into Gingher’s baby blues, made ever so vibrant by the background of pink, she realized she had found “the one.” The resulting gazes of admiration left many calls unmade. Not even the jeers of numerous crooks fans could re-focus the smitten referee.


Crooks defender, and astute observer of randy glances, Joanne Breznay was first to notice the ref’s fascination. After she informed Bill of his power over the fairer sex, he really turned on the charm, asking the ref to take a stroll with him along the alleyways of Dupont field. Now, this reporter cannot say for certain what happened in those bum-lined, trash-filled haunts but, based on the outcome of the game we can all guess what went on. Upon return, the referee came up with some half-baked story about the other team’s inability to field a team or something like that. As a result, and despite the numbers, the Crooks were able to record the win. Such shameless favoritism speaks volumes of the new recruits “soccer talents.” When asked to comment later about the reversal Mr. Gingher choose to speak through a representative “my client adamantly denies using his sexual prowess to influence the outcome of the game, the Crooks win was indicative of league rules and nothing else…but anytime district sports wants to use a lady-ref is just fine by him.”

While a win is a win, this reporter and the legions of pink army fans out there hope that next week can provide a more traditional win.

Slawinski is Hat-Trick-Tastic in Crooks Win

On an unseasonably hot-as-balls day in our nation’s capital, the K Street Crooks arrived at Stead Park Sunday with the hopes of extending their winning streak to a whopping ‘3’. The odds were well stacked against them- the early morning start time left much of the team in a sleepy haze and hungover stupor. Others fared even worse. Rookie striker Gingher ran out of his favorite hair gel that morning, leaving his curly locks in an absolute tizzy; defender Lovell was painfully reevaluating her decision to eat a chocolate cake for breakfast; and striker Pfeil, the scoring phenom from seasons past, got lost on his way to the field and was reportedly wandering the streets of DC asking passersby if they’d seen any ‘pink ballers’ around.

Shut down for much of the game by one superstar opponent and his cronies, and down 2-0 at the half, the prospects of a third Crooks win were looking rather bleak. The Crooks were going to need some serious heroics to get that big, shiny W.

Thankfully, the Crooks never give up, err, don’t give up easily. In a brilliant display of courage and skill, rookie striker Slawinski stepped up when it mattered most, lifting the fading Crooks onto his shoulders, and delivering three magnificent goals, securing a third win. “Enjoy it while you can El Campo.. I’ve already gotten calls from some of the more elite rec leagues in Virginia. I’m movin’ up,” Slawinski said after the match.

Stay tuned next week as our forever pink warriors take on Covington United at 1pm. Go Pink!

Streaking Crooks

Two games into the Spring 2010 campaign, the K Street Crooks are riding high atop the District Sports tables with a 2-0 record. Sitting pretty with upwards of 264 goals for, and just a measly 1 goal against (a total fluke, by the way), the Crooks, it seems, have returned to their glory days.
The back-to-back victories can be attributed to many things – agile and inventive offense, rock-solid defense, a simply magical guest goalie names Wes. But, without question, the greatest ingredient in this year’s Crook stew is the return of the most sacred Crooks icon. No, we are not referring to Warren Doyle, the masterful striker, or Tony Pappas’s infamous sideline glares (two things we have undoubtedly been missing)- but rather this is something more fundamental. The game changer this season, dear readers, is the mighty pink jersey. Yes, the pink is back. And more vivid and dashing than ever. “You can’t help but feel like a total badass in these jerseys” rookie forward Hasib said. “Chaos has been restored, and all is right in the world again. This is how soccer was meant to be played” a starry-eyed Ferguson added.
So Crooks fans, hide those dreadful orange kits from seasons past in a dark place and break out the pink! This season promises to be one of the best yet.

Crooks Debut on National Stage

This past weekend, the K Street Crooks competed in the 5th annual Cherry Blossom Soccer Tournament (CBST), held on the National Mall. After 5 months away from the pitch, the Crooks battled their way through 3 grueling matches Saturday, pulling every muscle in their bodies, and posting a shocking 0-3-0 record. What could have caused ‘the pride of Petworth’ to fall three times? How could the ‘Capitol Hill league champs’ not land a single W? Could it have been the 5 months off and no stretching? Doubtful. Or maybe the 2-hour beer run between games 2 and 3? Impossible. El Campo were determined to find the explanation.

Now, it is common knowledge that the CBST is set up “World Cup style” – 32 teams starting in round robin group-play, followed by multiple elimination rounds until a winner is crowned. Beyond the play format though, our formerly-pink-but-now-orange tournament rookies were unaware of just how ‘World Cup style’ this tournament really was. Searching merely for reasons to explain the lopsided results, El Campo's investigation uncovered the wicked truth about the other teams: 23 of the other 31 teams were actually premier national teams headed to the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Under the guise of such kitschy team names as “Hello Kitty!!” (Korea DPR), “Ron Burgundy” (France), “Sparkle Motion” (Spain) and “That’s What She Said” (England), it seems the likes of Ronaldo, Kaka and Messi were just having a bit of a tune-up before the big show in South Africa. An anonymous premier player from team “AC D.C.” (Australia) had this to say: “We’ve got a very busy and stressful pre-World Cup schedule, and the [CBST] just gives us a chance to relax and really do what we love to do – beat the snot out of DC area rec league teams."

So, there you have it. All things reconsidered, the Crooks actually fared quite well at this weekend “rec” tournament and they should be very proud of themselves – they fought some of the most gifted footballers on the planet, and lived to tell the tale.

Stay tuned for updates on the upcoming Spring season, where the Crooks try to dominate yet another DC neighborhood – Dupont Circle!

Crooks Season Ends on a High Note

It seems the Crooks have finally warmed up to their construction cone attire. Before they headed out for their Thanksgiving holidays, the Crooks wowed the Capitol Hill crowd with not one, but two smashing victories – a back-to-back feat not seen since the jersey’s were bubble-gum pink. The 2-1 losers on Saturday called themselves CQ Bias FC, while Swampoodle – a longtime K Street rival – lost 2-1 in their final game of the season Sunday.

Though the current standings have K Street in 8th place through 7 games, with a -15 goal differential, captain Breznay assures El Campo that when the final standings are all sorted out, the Crooks will be on top. When asked to elaborate on how this numerically impossible result could be, Breznay simply reminded us of the long line of seedy accountants that have passed through the pink ranks, adding “We’ve got friends in mediocre places, El Campo.”

Stat-fixing aside, the Crooks should be very proud of themselves this season. With such a huge restructuring, from top down, they kept it together and prevailed a few of the times they needed to.

Keep your eyes peeled for news on upcoming spring 2010 schedules and World Cup preparation.

Screw you, Mother Nature

For already the second time this season, Mother Nature has washed out the prospects of a Crooks win. (Or, staved off a loss – however you fine readers of El Campo choose to see it. But this reporter chooses the former) How dare she prevent our orange-clad warriors from wowing the Capital Hill crowds and enthralling them with their incredible football artistry? Where else are these crowds supposed to go? To a Redskins game? Surely they should not be subjected to such cruel punishment. And what about the children? What about the children, I say. Those that look up to the likes of Andrew “Pele” Horgan, Jim “the Flash” Olsen, Ian “Kaboom!” Pfeil… Who are they left to idolize on a Sunday afternoon? Miley? Someone from the Hills? Surely this must not be so.
So Mother Nature, please, cast a ray of sunshine on our beloved Crooks this weekend (just one will do.. the jerseys will act as mirrors and reflect on the whole neighborhood). Do it for the children!

Crooks win!

On a beautiful autumn day in our nation’s capital, the K Street Crooks rebounded to a 3-0 victory over the Glover Park Groupers. [insert bad fish pun here] Goals were aplenty, with rookies Andrea and Ian notching one apiece, and second-season veteran Paul tacking on the third.

The Crooks held possession for the vast majority of the game. The few times the Groupies did manage to get anywhere near the box though, one intimidating figure was waiting for them: Pete the Substitute Goalie. Snagged from the previous game, Pete came through with a stellar goal-keeping performance that clearly showed why he was not on the K Street Crooks squad. We are grateful for his charity, and fearful of our upcoming match-up with his real team.

Next week the team-formerly-clad-in-pink-but-now-in-Hi-Liter-Orange takes on Unatletico DC at noon. Be there!

Game 1 wrap: There’s nowhere to go but up!

First, the bad news. Under a blistering September sun, the team-formerly-clad-in-pink suffered its first loss of the season, falling 3-nil to the aptly named Wanks. To make matters worse, they did so in a most frightful shade of traffic-cone orange (District Sports, it seems, is not without a sense of humor when it comes to the Crooks jerseys). The Wanks, all 496 of them, were supercharged on various yet-to-be-released flavors of Vitamin Water and simply outpaced the Crooks 10 times over.

On the plus side however, loyal El Campo readers will be happy to hear that the richest (or certainly the most successful) tradition of the K Street Crooks has fruitfully carried over to the reworked squad: the gameday hangover. Aided in part by former Crooks Amy and Justin tying the knot the night before, the majority of the Crooks proudly stumbled onto the pitch Sunday, eager to pad their 2009 stats. The newbie Crooks were more reluctant to speak up during the pre-game polling session, but the rum-colored sweat seeping out of their pores at halftime gave them up pretty quickly.

This weekend’s matchup promises to be another thriller as our Orange-clad warriors take on ‘Sunday is the new Tuesday’ at 3pm.

Transfer deadline Looming; Big changes in store for Crooks

As the Fall 2009 season opener draws near, loyal El Campo readers are no doubt at the edge of their seats. Sources in and around the Crooks all speak of a massive overhaul of the heralded team, stemming from a complete breakdown of the of the mighty triumvirate. Several reports claim that captains Hoefs and Snyder have skipped town, fleeing almost immediately after a huge fight with fellow captainess Breznay. Facts are scarce, but one source close to the team had this to share: “Ben and Tim were downright scared of her. I saw tears.”
Rest assured dear readers, El Campo will continue to investigate and keep you up-to-date as information surfaces. In the meantime, go out and buy your official Pink gear and get ready for the September 20th debut of your K Street Crooks!

Crooks share dramatic draw with Pandas; 2/3 of team feared dead

In what can only be described as ‘a game for the ages’, the Crooks battled their way to a thrilling nil-nil tie this weekend versus Unatletico FC. If you’re reading this, and own a pink jersey, odds are you didn’t see it.

On a ridiculously perfect day for soccer, right down to the dew point, our pink-clad warriors began to assemble at Capitol Hill. As they laced up their boots, one question repeatedly came to mind: Where is everyone? Unatletico FC’ers were streaming into the field from all entrances, one blinding neon yellow jersey after another, while the number of Crooks in attendance held steady at just 5. (Granted they were the 5 most talented, attractive and overall most valuable Crooks, but still…) Cell phones, smoke signals, and various bird calls were all employed as futile attempts to locate those absent. We have no choice, dear readers, than to assume that those that did not show are, in fact, dead. Was it swine flu? Or did they all check the latest district sports standings and simply lose the will to live? It is a mystery.

All was not lost however. The remaining Crooks were blessed that afternoon - by angels in purple jerseys. Several Kung Fu Pandas, upon finishing a win of their own, graciously agreed to join the Crooks in their fight against their reflective opponent. The combination of pink, purple and neon on the field was a sight to behold. The level of play, too, was stunning. Striker Jim Olsen literally grew wings and flew around the field – both stymieing the opposition, and providing a pleasant breeze to his fellow teammates. “He’s like a same-age version of Logan Kendall” one fan remarked. Behind Jim was a pink line of defense that never backed down. With an imposing new goalie loaned in from the Pandas with striking brown eyes, the defenders were clearly out to impress. Lovell leveled at least 8 opponents (an ensuing investigation will likely turn up more), and Horgan tackled a dozen more with moves the Wachowski brothers can only dream of recreating.

Though no goals were tallied, it should be on record that the Crooks, against immeasurable odds, fought bravely and skillfully. Let's hope more Crooks are there next week to watch the show!

UPDATED SCHEDULE RELEASED

ARLINGTON: District Sports released an updated schedule to make up the two matches that were cancelled. The Crooks will play on the 21st and the 28th of June versus Unathletico and arch-rivals the Shrimp Diablos respectively. "We're looking forward to putting some shrimp on the barbie," former wunderkind Mustafa Dimbiloglu said in a press conference Tuesday afternoon. Above the chorus of loud groans and boos which resulted, Dimbiloglu screamed "Screw you. That joke kills in East Lansing." "Then why don't you go back there," a reporter (who looked a lot like Crook defender Amy Aubin) retorted as Dimbiloglu left the podium in tears.

REMAINING CROOK GAMES

Crooks "steal" another win

"The Crooks play best with 75degree weather and partly cloudy, with a 10% chance of rain" said #1 fan and long-time Crook video master Ms. Slingshot Seals. The Crooks knocked in two early goals and sailed through the rest of the game, finishing after 50 minutes with a 3-0 win. The Kung Fu Pandas were battle-hardened pros who were using every strategy to find a hole in the Crooks Defense. However, the Crook D was almost impregnable, even using offsides traps several times to discourage the Panda Strikers. Even when a hole was found, keeper Kevin flew left and right through the air to keep the ball out of the net. Several of his saves can be seen on SportsCenter's Top 10 this morning. With the Crook's confidence increasing steadily over the season, we can expect more greatness from the Defending Champions.
Stats:
Goal 2' : Ben Assist: N/A
Goal 5' : Tony (Goalazzo) Assist: Ben
Bonecrusher 7' : Amber
Goal 45': Ben Assist: Logan

Missing info:
Hangover Caps:
Moose award:

In other Crooks News: International Sensation and former Crook Striker Timo Hoefs (now with Miami Freakthunderstormsat2pmeveryday FC) will be on loan for a one-game stint on May 31 vs.Deceptions. Crook Managers expect him to score at least 17 goals to make this one-game loan payment worthwhile.

Crooks Have Disappointing Start to Season

K Street Leadership Unhappy with Drops in Key Stats

WASHINGTON - The K Street front office did not mince words at this week's press conference. "While we have not lost a contest yet, the mood on the Tenth Block is a mix between abject 'My Daughter Wants to Be a Stripper' disappointment and murderous 'Publisher's Clearinghouse Day' rage," said tri-captain Tim Snyder. "There is absolutely no excuse for the way we have been approaching the pitch the past two weeks and I'm here to tell you it is going to change."

The Crooks outlasted a furious onslaught from FC Kicks to win 2-1 last week. But that victory did not redeem the team from the season opening 4-4 tie. "It scheiße," said other tri-captain Ben Hoefs, "the english equivalent is just not strong enough. The key is in the hard s."

The team rolled out a plan to address what they labled "embarassing holes" in the overall Pink game. One point of emphasis for next week is in hungover caps. "Plain and simple," said former league leader and other tri-captain Joanne Breznay, "playing without the overwhelming fear that the next time you kick the ball might be the time you puke all over the pitch is taking away what gave the Crooks their heart since the team was first formed." The team has only logged three total hangovers in two games, well below last year's average of three per game. It is unclear how much impact Breznay's absence last week has to do with the drop in stats, but said Snyder "I'm pretty sure it's not freaking helping."

The second stat category is in Mooses. "While we have become more efficient in ball handling and overall defense, we have let a former mainstay of our game - massive embarassing whiffs - slip dramatically," said Hoefs. In a closed window meeting via G-Chat, Snyder and former Moose leader defender Amber Lovell devised a new plan. The team will have three whiffle ball bats on the sideline. Prior to substituting in, the sub must stand the bat up on one end, place their forhead on the other end and spin repeatedly for 45 seconds. "This has many benefits," said Lovell via Craigslist ads, "for one, it increases the chances of whiffing. It keeps the other team off balance because we'll be so off-balance they'll start to think it's them who are dizzy. And finally, if we can't legitimately get Crooks to puke from hangovers, the spins are still the spins no matter how you get them." El Campo also learned from unnamed sources that the Crooks are in talks with FC Sparta to bring Moose icon Mustafa Dimbiloglu back to the team to boost their whiff stats. "If that were true," said a team official seeking to remain anonymous, "having the guy for whom the stat was created back in pink will be a huge help in this category."

"This has to work," said Snyder at the end of the press conference, "if not, nothing's safe. We're looking at instituting manditory Saturday night keggers, and potentially using blindfolds to up mooses. A 1-0-1 record is not a bad thing, but 0 whiffs and 3 hangovers is unexcusable. The Crooks need to realize this. Quickly." When asked if the team would consider changing jersey colors to spark a resurgence (as the Mighty Ducks did), Snyder replied "No. [expletive censored] no, Tony. Come on. Get over it. How'd you get a damn press pass anyway? Security!"

The Crooks take on Unatletico DC at 4:00 PM this Sunday.

Crooks Welcome New Roster in 2009

Last season saw a shake up in the Crooks roster. While on loan to the Wellington Phoenix, striker Stefan Georg was caught in an unseemly imbroglio with a buxom native. Since the scandal and subsequent media scrutiny, Georg’s 10-year, multi-million dollar contract was canceled. A member from within the triumvirate, who wished to remain anonymous commented “We wish Stefan the best – and God knows I will miss watching all those butt traps – however, we could not in good conscience continue on with Georg, our young fans deserve better.” El Campo went out to gauge fan reaction to this development. We were put in contact with “Bobby” – the 12 year old leader of a SquashBuddies fan site. When asked if this incident tarnished his love of Georg, Bobby responded “God no, it makes me love him more…he is living the dream – soccer, booze, buxom groupies….when I grow up I want to be just like him.” He said this while adjusting his pink headband and nursing a bottle of Jack, this reporter fears for the future.

Further threatening the K Street dynasty was the departure of the Corcoran brothers, who after some locker room brawls with co-captain Tim Snyder were traded to FC Dallas. When asked about this unfortunate turn of events Mark Corcoran remarked “I hope that up-tight pretentious ass [Snyder] lets through every goal this season….he can take that surplus $65 he always manages to skim from the top and buy himself a personality. You show up hungover for a couple of games [according to Teamsnap, all games] and suddenly you “lack heart” and “need to get your shit together” - I laid that Puritan out and am glad to be rid of him.” When asked to comment Snyder’s representatives would only say “Tim will always value the Corcoran’s time on the team and sincerely wishes them all the best at Betty Ford…I mean FC Dallas.”

With three spots in the roster left unfilled as of February, Crooks triumvirate went on an international scouting mission for K-Street caliber players. While in Germany, Ben Hoefs aggressively scouted Bundesliga talent. In hopes of replacing his erstwhile SquashBuddy, Hoefs offered Stuttgart forward Warren (who boasts an impressive, yet deadly, shot) a multi-year contract with many product endorsement tie ins. After working so tirelessly last season to scout “top talent” in Costa Rica, defender Joanne Breznay scouted local talent this year. Midfielder and drummer Paul Hurt will be joining the Crooks ranks. He brings with him a can-do attitude and a killer beat. James Olsen was snatched away from cross-town rivals Violet Revolution. El Campo recently sat down with Olsen at K-Street haunt Vapiano’s to talk about his defection and plans for the upcoming season. When asked what lured him away for Revolution, the usually sunny Olsen became flustered and fidgety. Luckily for this reporter, Olsen is a feather weight, and two white wine spritzers in he was dancing on tables and spilling tightly guarded Crooks secrets. Apparently, to secure Olsen, the Crooks employed a number of underhanded tactics. According to Olsen “I was interested in joining the team, obviously, I mean who would not want to be part of a championship team…but [winking suggestively] I played hard to get. That strategy always works with the ladies and it turns out that it pays off big time in footy. Whatever I wanted was mine; coffee and a muffin delivered to my door each morning, all-inclusive resort stays, meetings with “Destiny” at the Mayflower – man K-Street knows how to woo a player.” Fearing another scandal for the crooks, we then focused on his goals for the season. The usually humble young man reported “I want to become the star of K-Street: men will want to be me, women will want to sleep with me. The names Pappas and Kendall will be replaced by Olsen in the Crooks hall of fame. My face will be emblazoned upon billboards around DC – I WILL BE A SOCCER GOD!!!!!!!!!!!” This show of hubris does not bode well for the Crooks. If the triumvirate can rein this ego in, the Crooks will have the talent to win yet another championship.

For all those who wish to support the pink warriors, contact craigslist immediately. Ticketmaster sold out of tickets within 10 minutes but scalpers are still offering tickets for up to $1000 a piece. Crooks own Joanne Breznay will be hosting a celebrity tailgate in the Capital Hill parking lot beginning at 9:00AM.

El Campo Retracts TeamSnap Article

You may notice I deleted the TeamSnap article. Turns out more than Crooks read the blog! I got a very nice email from Matt @ TeamSnap HQ who had found the post. He was completely apologetic and offered to rectify the situation.

I am sorry for not clearly stating that the post was a joke. We love TeamSnap (where else lets us keep track of who shows up hungover most often or who whiffs most in a game?) and were sad to leave. It is a great service and they were more than honest about the transition from Beta to Free/Pay plans and gave us plenty of time to consider our options. I highly recommend this versatile and easy-to-use service; it's the best I've found by far.